Spider-Man slowly regained consciousness. His mind buzzed. The world was fuzzy around him. Everything was murky.
He groaned and felt his head. It ached.
He mumbled gibberish, his voice stifled in his ear.
Spidey slowly opened his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck.
Light was like needles to his eyes.
The superhuman looked around in curiosity. He was in a small room with a bunch of pictures on the walls of a petite clown girl and a gorgeous red-head.
He crossed his eyebrows and scrutinized the images closely.
A bunch of plants sprouting from all directions grew from the floor. They covered the pictures.
They were visibly growing before his eyes.
"Ugh... Where am I?" Peter mumbled and scratched the back of his neck. His memory gradually repaired itself. "Oh, yeah... Okay. Crazy lady with plant- voodoo. Noted. And little- jester girl..." He casually leaped to safety as a sharp vine swung underneath him. "Well. Someone's gotta green thumb... Ugh. That was horrible, Spidey!" He shoved two vines out of the way as he looked for an exit. "Sometimes the puns just sneak up on you, don't they, buddy ol' pal?... Oy. I'm talking to myself. Why am I talking to myself? I'm still doing it!"
In the distance, a faint voice was heard.
So, curious, the mutant walked up to a wall and put his ear against it.
Familiar feminine voices chimed in the background.
"Now, Red, don't worry your little green head off. I've got i' all unda control."
There was a muffled sigh somewhere.
"Alright, Harley girl... You better not let me down. Take this seriously. And don't let him escape. Ok?"
"I know, I know. Just continue with ya shoppin' spree."
"Alright. Just don't disappoint me."
"I won't! I won't! Tah-RUST me! It'll be a piece a' cake! Tah-tah, Red!"
"Kisses."
-Click-
She sang to herself with the most innocent tone of voice. "La la la la la. Harley's gonna do an interrogation. Just before she takes over da whole darned nation."
"Well, if it isn't Lil Miss Jester." Spider-Man mumbled.
He heard her footsteps coming down to the room he was in. And her little sing-song voice was too hard to ignore.
"Time for Spidey to go hidey!" The superhero whispered to himself and quickly hopped in a tree branch above the ground.
The door opened and in came a delicate girl wearing a night gown with a red and black harlequin pattern on it and little matching slippers. She hummed and grinned, bubbly.
Spider-Man almost didn't recognize her without her clown makeup and cap. Her blonde hair was up in twin tails.
He thought. Huh. What do you know? She's actually kind of cute. Wait, wait, wait- she kind of just helped kidnap you... Foooocus, Spidey.
Her bright blue eyes twinkled with both mischief and innocence.
"Okaaay, pal. Wakey wakey blow-up cakey." She said, still smiling. The blondie stuck her bottom lip out in a pout. "Huh. I wonder where he went. Oh, priiiisoner!" She began to call musically, as if he was a dog. "Priiisoner! Come here prisoner!" She whistled and searched for Spider-Man among the exotic plants.
The superhero watched, intrigued, as the jester casually traveled through the maze of deadly flora. She lovingly stroked a killer fly trap that hissed and revealed drool-covered fangs.
"Aw. Cooome 'ere. I'm not gonna hurtcha! I'm not that evil. Frankly, all I eva really do that's bad is steal stuff. Come out, come out, whereva you are." The clown girl said, childishly.
He thought. Is this girl really that naive? ... It's kind of... Cute... But a little... creepy. Oh, well. No Spidey sense. What could possibly go wrong?
So, he showed himself and slowly reeled himself down with a white line of webbing. He lowered himself, upside down, until he was near the girl.
She sighed and sat on a large mushroom.
"Ivy's gonna kill me... I've already died a coupla times." She panicked and pulled on her light hair.
"Hey, blondie!" Spider-Man exclaimed.
The girl jumped a bit and gasped. But she beamed and giggled.
"Oh! Theya you ah! I was wor-ied. I couldn't findja. Whew. Good riddance, buddy." She said and held her hands behind her back.
He said suspiciously. "Uh, huh. Okay."
"Awright. Well... Hm. What were ya gonna say, Harl?... Oh, yeah. Where 're my mannehs! I'm Harley Quinn! Pleased t' meetcha!" She said and held her hand out for her captive to shake.
Peter glared at it cautiously.
He retorted, snarky. "Well, you know, typically I don't shake hands with strangers. ESPECIALLY not ones who kidnap me... So I'm not going to!"
Harley Quinn blinked, her hand still out. She faltered a bit, disappointed. But, she shrugged it off.
"Suit ya self, prisoner! So. Let's get down wit business." She said and pulled something from out behind her back. She waved it in front of Spider-Man's face. "Is this yooou by any chance?"
Her eyes were large and expectant.
Spidey snatched the piece of paper out of her hands and inspected it.
It was a picture of him.
"... Yeah... Why? Are you a fangirl at heart? You follow me on Marvelbook? Look at all my updates about pirating copies of Napoleon Dynamite and conspiring with E.T.?" He quipped.
Harley chuckled a bit at his joke.
"Nahooo, silly! It's just that Red and I need to make sure you won't trow us in jail! Capeesh?" She said and folded her arms, rocking back and forth on her heels.
Spider-Man blinked, slowly processing.
"Uuuhh... Sure?" He squeaked, lost.
"I'm glad ya undastand! Okay. So aren't ya called, uh..." Harley pursed her lips in deep thought and tapped her chin. She snapped her fingers. "Oh- Schneider Man?"
"..." He made a sound effect that said she was wrong.
"Oh. Um..."
"It's Spider-Man. AKA Spidey."
"Oh. Spidey-Man. Cool." She said. "So... Recap." The doll paced back and forth curiously. "K. You saved us from that weird black thing, Red fought you, she knocked ya out, then yours truly brought ya in here, and now I am gonna interrogate you... Ok. So..." She pulled out two boxes from behind her. "Do ya think I should dye m' hair completely blue or just add black and red streaks?"
Spider-Man glared at her.
She was oblivious to his notions. Harley just stood there with that goofy smile on her face.
"... No. No, no, no, no. Harley." Spidey said and got off his webline. "No. You don't just almost get killed, let me get knocked out by your buddy, drag me in here, keep me prisoner, and ask me for some- weird and cute- freaky clown beauty tips! ...No."
She looked at him, dazed.
"...But I jus' did." She said, confused.
Spider-Man gave himself a face-palm.
"... So, mistah Spidey-Man... What exactly were you doin, rescuing Red and I, eva-so-heroically? Hm?" The jester asked. She reclined on a tree stump, stroking it's rings, and blinked flirtatiously. Her blue eyes sparkled almost innocently.
His answer came out slow. "... Um... I was doing exactly what you just said I was. Rescuing you and Red... Eva-so-heroically." He said, trying to copy her accent.
"Oh." Harley said and buffed her black and red nails. "Well, thanks, hon. I believe ya. It's jus' tha'- I'll tell ya a secret." She covered her mouth on one side, despite them being alone. "Red can be kinda paranoid. But I know liars when I see 'em and you don't fit da bill. Trust me. So, hallo, new friend!"
The human mutate blinked at her. He wasn't entirely sure if she was tricking him... Or if she was just plain dumb. But... For the heck of it (and lack of Spidey sense) he played a long.
"Uh- ookay." He said and cautiously hopped beside her on the tree stump, gradually dropping his guard. He criss-crossed his legs and eyed the clown girl. She smiled at him sweetly.
"Well..." She sighed dreamily. "Don'tcha like these plants?"
"Um... Yeah. Whatever you say, Harley."
"Oh, I know. Ain't they gorgeous... Red loves flowers." She said. The blonde looked upwards, as if searching her own brain for a second. But she eyed her rescuer. "But let's talk about you. How'd you getcha powers, my knight in shining spandex?"
"Uh- it's a funny story really." He stuttered nervously. Ugh. Great move, Pete.
Harley clapped and gasped.
"Oh, really? I love funny stories! Go on! Tell me." She said and leaned towards him with large eyes.
Uncomfortable, Peter scooted back a couple inches and anxiously laughed.
"Ah, well- hey, what's such a nice girl like you doing as a criminal? How old are you..." He looked her fragile form up and down. "...Sixteen?" He squeaked helplessly.
She giggled and blushed, patting him on the shoulder.
"Oh, NO, you silly guy. But thanks for da compliment." She flipped a light twin tail back. "I'm twenty four."
"Eh heh. Ooookay... Well, what's your friend, uh... Red doing, Harley?" Spider-Man asked.
"Oh, Red? She's goin' on a shopping spree."
"A shopping spree?"
Harl looked at him in disbelief.
She said. "Yeah... Oh, don't tell me you don't know what dat is, Spidey!"
He narrowed his eyes. "Eh heh. I do. But does Red?"
"Oh, believe me, cutie. She does. Don' worry. She'll get plenty o' fun stuff fo' all of us. You're our captive, after all! That wouldn't be polite."
"Pshaw. That would be against... criminal etiquette and stuff." He awkwardly quipped.
Harley playfully hit him on the harm. It actually hurt though.
"Ha! Now ya gettin it! Ta-rust, me, Spidey. I'll teach ya how to have LOTS o' fun." She said and winked.
Peter's mind was swarming with confusion.
"Greeeeeat..." Spider-Man commented.
"So..." The jester said and tapped her chin. "Ah!" She pulled out a deck of black and red cards. She eyed the hero expectantly. "...How 'bout a round a go fish?"
Poison Ivy's heist was going pretty well. The guards hung by vines on the ceiling, incapacitated by some of the eco-terrorist's sedated toxins. As she was leaving the luxurious store, she hefted the bags of jewelry and clothes in both hands, before hearing the sound of a web thwiping.
The red-head groaned, turning a pale green in frustration.
Typically, she believed Harley would be able to handle the Spider.
She let the heavy bags fall from her grasp and cracked her delicate knuckles.
"Alright, Spider, you're asking for it!" She turned around, expecting the face of the vigilante. But instead, she was met with the toothy face of an incredibly muscular black figure. It had the same facial features as Carnage. A large toothy grin and enormous dead eyes.
Ivy looked at him questionably and swallowed.
She said. "Didn't we already kill you?" Her shadowy green eyes looked him up and down. "... And why aren't you red?"
"I'm guessing you must've come across Carnage. And you better be sure he's dead. I heard you say something about the web-crawler...Where is he?!"
Ivy scoffed. She asked. "What do you want with him? He's an annoying little insect but he saved our lives."
Venom neared the Queen of Crime. His presence was intimidating.
He said. "Look lady, I don't want any trouble. Hand over the Spider, I'll kill him, and you never have to see from me again."
Poison Ivy blinked at him for a second. But she realized that she was going to get him the same way she got Spider-Man...
Classic female powers of persuasion.
The red-head stroked his arm seductively.
She smiled alluringly, her black lips shimmering, and commented flirtatiously. "You know, that black costume really shows of those huge muscles..."
Venom laughed sinisterly.
He responded darkly. "Amusing...Maybe those tricks worked on Parker, but you'll have to try harder with me..."
Venom grabbed her hand. But the plant woman used her vines to flip over him. Extending her hand playfully, she motioned for Venom to come to her. She smiled mischievously.
The symbiote returned the smile.
The two charged at each other. Venom flipping over Ivy and swung her towards a glass window. As she flew towards it, he shot a web at it to catch her. She yed him cautiously.
Venom walked over to her, tapping his foot.
He said "... I thought you would be a better fighter than that."
Ivy laughed and retorted. "I was just going easy on you..."
She lifted herself and used vines from below her, sending several of them shooting towards Venom.
He jumped high in the air dodging and swatting some of the monsters away.
"Look, I don't want to hurt you, ma'am. Don't waste you're health over the Spider!" Venom shouted, trying to calm her down.
She stared at him thoughtfully.
Finally, the black figure got to Ivy and knocked her into the air. She flew back down and launched a fierce kick.
When she landed, she threw a fistful of dust in Venom's direction. He coughed hard and slowly fell to the ground.
Venom slowly shifted to human form. He was a muscular brunette with chiseled features.
Ivy put her heel on Eddie Brock's chest, scratching her chin inquisitively.
"I think I'll bring this one back..." She said and looked over the unconscious form. "...He and the Spider have a lot of explaining to do."
Harley Quinn squinted her eyes as if it would help her concentrate.
"Hmmm..." She said in deep thought.
So far, Spidey was winning. It was most likely his Spider-sense.
He had warmed up to her a bit, seeing that she really was innocent at the core. She didn't do bad stuff to hurt anyone. She saw it as good fun. While it could be a twisted idea of fun, she wasn't a cold-blooded killer.
He made himself comfortable on a large mushroom across from the clown girl.
"Do you have anyyy..." Harley started to say. She looked at her very few matches and then looked at her opponent's plethora of them. She tried to lean over, looking as casual as possible, to peak at his cards.
He dodged her look and shook a finger.
"Uh, uh, uh. Nooo cheating, Clown Princess." Spider-Man quipped playfully.
"No fair!" She whined.
They had already argued about this quite a few times. This was their seventh round of go fish.
He grinned. "All's fair in love and war... Except for cheating. I know a sneaky move when I see one. Besides, your wits are no match to my superior spidey sense."
Harley stuck her bottom lip out in a pout.
"Aw. Why do we always have ta play by da rules, Spidey-Man?" She asked.
"...Since when do I follow rules? Um... Are you gonna go are not?"
"Agh, I'm goin'! I'm goin'! Got any... UFOs?" She asked, looking at him with big eyes.
He gasped.
She perked up.
He smirked. "...Go fishies!"
"Ugh." Harleen Quinzel fell over in devastation. "Why did it have to be fish anyway? Why couldn't it be puppies or sometin?" She asked.
"I don't know... Do you has any... Unicorns?" He asked.
Harley Quinn sighed sadly and checked. She snatched a card and frowned, surrendering it to the human mutate.
"Here. Take my noble stead. Just let me keep what's left of my dignity." She said.
He took it and maliciously snickered.
He watched her as she dramatically lay on her back on the large plant.
Seeing her less-hyper state, he decided to take advantage of it and hop beside her.
Harley blinked at him curiously.
"So... How'd you and Red met?" Spider-Man asked, changing phasers to serious.
She smiled and tapped her chin, remembering the moment.
"Oh. Let's see... Well, I was in some store, getting a piece of jewelry wheneva an alarm went off. I ran so I wouldn't get caught and she bumped into me. We helped each other escape. And we've been best friends eva since. She's like a big sista to me." She said with happy nostalgia. "Look a' how much my life has changed for the good because of her." Harley Quinn said and gestured with both hands to the room, swarming with bizarre plants. She sighed dreamily.
Spider-Man looked around at the beastly flora.
"Uh... Huh." He said. "Well... Hm. I think you should dye your hair black and red."
"Oh! Good idea. Thanks for da suggestion." She said.
"Just your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man." He joked.
She giggled.
Just like that, the door burst open upstairs.
"Oh, Harley girl! I'm home!" Poison Ivy called upstairs musically.
Harley gasped and jumped from the plant she was reclining on.
"Oh! Dat's Red! She's home! Yay!" She said and stood up.
"Ooooh, goody..." Spider-Man said, worried, and jumped back to his seat on the mushroom.
The door of the basement open and a woman with dark crimson hair, light green skin, and a dark leafy leotard came walking down the stairs, her heels clicking.
"Oh, Harley. How's our captive?" She asked, her voice as soft as moss.
"Oh, he's doin' great! He's clean." Harley responded with a bubbly tone. "Turns out he's really a sweet guy afta all, Red."
"Uh huh." The plant woman said skeptically. She walked towards Harley Quinn and Spider-Man. She stared at them curiously and at the mess of cards all over the ground. She could see that there hadn't been any battles. But she had to make sure... Poison Ivy put on her soothing face. She smiled gently.
"Hello, Spider-Man." She said.
"Hey, uh... Red." He said, feeling a little dumb.
Her red eyebrows knit together a bit.
"Uh oh... Maybe that wasn't the best move?" Spidey asked and cringed a bit.
Harley frowned, waiting to see what would happen.
Poison Ivy noticed her friend's tension so she relaxed a bit.
"The name is Poison Ivy. Only Harley calls me Red..." She said.
"Oh... Suits you." Spider-Man said.
Her hypnotic emerald eyes darkened.
She said. "Yes...And if you're really so sweet, why don't you tell me a little about your friend Venom?"