Well off the back of some very positive, encouraging and some threatening (!) reviews, I've decided to try and give this story another chapter.
LieToMeAddict, the line you're asking about is from a song called 'Being Alive' from a musical called 'Company'. It's fantastic and I recommend googling it!
Someone mentioned that they thought I stayed very in character in chapter one – I fear I may not be as successful in this chapter but let's see what you guys think.
Here we go….
OXOXOXO
Cal had never driven so slowly in his life. He must have stayed at least 10 km under every speed limit from his house to Gillian's. Maybe it was his subconscious, acting out his nervousness. At least ten times he thought about pulling over, reversing and just driving home again. He'd contemplated doing that and telling Emily that she wasn't home or she'd turned him down but he knew she'd know that was a lie.
No, he had made his decision now. He'd made it the minute Emily had said those fateful words: If you don't tell her, someone else will. She was right of course. He'd missed two chances already. And Cal hated to lose. He swallowed hard and put his foot on the accelerator, coming up to the crossroads adjacent to her house. He turned the corner and pulled into a space by the steps to her apartment.
Once again he took a deep breath, looking up to see the living room light still on. He stepped from the car and pushed the door shut, walking slowly up the steps to her front door. He knocked quickly and stepped back to give her some breathing space. When there was no answer he knocked again, a little louder. He wondered if maybe she was out and had just left a light on for when she arrived home. He frowned. He didn't think she'd have been anywhere tonight, especially not with Claire's funeral tomorrow. He was about to knock again when the door opened and a sleepy looking Gillian peered out at him. He smiled at the sight.
"Hey love, did I wake you?" She shook her head and then stopped, thought and nodded.
"I fell asleep on the couch. I'm so tired but I can't really sleep…" She stepped back so he could slip past her into the warmth of the house. She closed the door over as he shrugged off his jacket.
"I hear you love," he said sympathetically. He'd come across his fair share of people he couldn't save and it never got easier. Especially if, like Gillian, you were usually removed from such horror. She put a hand on the back of his shoulder and guided him through to the living room. He slouched down on the sofa, pulling a blanket out from under him that she had obviously used to pull over herself. He looked up at her, a smile raising his eyebrows momentarily.
"Come here love." He outstretched his arm across the back of the couch, inviting her to take a seat under his arm where she had sat only earlier that day. She smiled back at him and sat down. He let his hand fall onto her shoulder and pulled her tight to him as she laid her head just under his shoulder on his chest. He took a deep breath and wondered if she could hear his heart beating at 100mph in his chest. He sat silently for a long time until finally, without looking up, Gillian spoke.
"Are you ok Cal?"
"Course I am, why do you ask?" he looked down at her, the scent of her freshly washed hair creeping into his nostrils. He swallowed again.
"So, did you really just come over here to let me fall asleep on your shoulder?" she teased gently and he smirked.
"If that's what you want love," he murmured in her hair. He closed his eyes, she had given him a clear avenue in, a very definable access point, a moment where he could have said, 'actually yeah, I want to tell you something'. He thought about what Emily had said to him. But he couldn't proves it. Gillian pulled away from him, sitting up on the couch, turning to face him.
"What's wrong? I know there's something," she said leaning against the back of the sofa, her arm situated just under his where it lay outstretched. He shook his head. She was pushing him now, pressurising him, he suddenly felt like this was a bad idea. He swallowed hard. Bollocks, he thought, it's now or never. He looked at her, his eyes searching hers for some recognition. All he saw was worry, compassion, every other adjective he could associate with Gillian Foster. He dropped his hand onto her arm below his and trailed it down to her hand.
"Emily broke up with Liam," he said quickly. He needed to buy himself some time. He could feel a lump in his throat and his stomach was turning somersaults. He was pretty sure he hadn't been this terrified ever before. Gillian smirked and he could tell that she knew what he was up to.
"Why?" she asked and he rejoiced that she was obviously playing along. He smirked as he remembered Emily's reason for dumping him.
"No sex before marriage," he said simply and Gillian's eyes widened.
"You're kidding!" Cal's face broke into a grin and he shook his head.
"I'm deadly serious." Gillian's eyebrows raised and she shook her head.
"Just goes to show, you never know…" she said looking away from him, wondering when he was going to get to what he had come over here for. Cal smiled.
"That's exactly what I said." They were silent for a few moments. Cal let his thumb stroke along the back of her hand. He was feeling that 'fight or flight' reaction and wondered if there really was any reasonable way of escaping now. He was about to speak when Gillian cut him off.
"Cal…spit it out. What's really bothering you?" He smirked to himself and allowed her to see his face, defences down.
"I love you," he said simply, watching her face. Surprise, but no shock. Maybe she was surprised that he'd finally said it. He watched as she looked down at their intertwined hands.
"Wow," she stammered and he smiled briefly. He couldn't see her face anymore and that worried him. She was hiding. He felt a slight shiver going through his bones and realised that either way he had to make some clarifications here.
"Emily," he began. "She made me realise some things tonight Gill. She made me realise that I'm bloody sick of being alone. She said, I had lots of reasons for not being with someone, but not one good reason for being alone…" he trailed off when he heard her stifle a laugh. He raised an eyebrow and she looked up at him.
"That's a line from a musical…" she said and laughed when she saw his face contort into one of horror.
"I bloody knew she wasn't being that insightful on her own!" He chuckled and Gillian joined him, shaking her head. He took a deep breath and looked at her, his stare boring into her until she looked up, her eyes meeting his. She smiled warmly.
"I've got to say Cal, I never thought you'd get here." He frowned, shifting in his seat slightly.
"Eh? Get where?"
"To a place where you'd finally tell me how you feel." She smiled, slipping her hand from his up onto his arm. He glanced down for a moment.
"You always knew….even if I let myself get lost this last year…" he said pointedly. She nodded in agreement.
"Yeah I did. That's why I always went looking when you did get lost." He looked at her and wondered what he had done to deserve such an angel. Nothing, he reasoned because he didn't deserve her. And he wondered if, had he treated her better, would he have had her before now. He didn't dwell on it. Instead, he raised his hand to her face, his thumb stroking her cheek. Then, without hesitation he leaned in and brushed his lips against hers. He heard her hum in satisfaction as their lips met and he parted his lips slightly. She followed suit and pulled him closer.
It was a kiss quite unlike any Cal had ever experienced before. Sure, he'd kissed someone with that frantic urgency that made both parties feel as if they were about to spontaneously combust with the passion. But it was nothing compared to this. It was a relatively chaste kiss, their tongues softly exploring each others, his thumb still stroking her cheek, her hand on his thigh. But it was still the best kiss Cal had ever had.
When they broke apart, Cal let his forehead fall against hers as he took a deep breath.
"Gill…" he began but she stopped him with a finger to his lips. He pursed his lips against it.
"Cal, I love you too." He grinned and kissed her again. Tomorrow he was buying her a present. A bullet. With his name on it.
OXOXOXOXO
Really unsure about that last line! Sounds a bit extreme but it just popped into my head!
Thanks to all for reading and reviewing! Big hugs to all!