~Her Sanctuary~

Chapter 2

This is an A/U fic that was inspired from the pic Tony posted of him in a Doctors outfit.

Trigger warning: anxiety/panic attack

When Sharon finally made it home Rusty wasn't back from class yet. Though she knew he could help her through this, she was relieved that he wasn't here. She didn't want him to see her like this, especially when she hadn't told him she was going out. Now after her complete disaster of a doctor's appointment, she just wanted to be alone. Completely unlike her, Sharon dropped everything, purse, keys, and she toed out of her shoes as she walked. Her sweater slid off her shoulders and down her arms, not caring where it landed, she immediately escaped to her bedroom. As she opened her door with a shaky hand, her eyes had to adjust to the darkness when she stepped into her room. To give herself a minute, she leaned back on the closed door and tried to take another calming breath.

Though her anxiety had lessened, she was still working on getting her heart rate and breathing under control, this, in turn, made her panic more. It was a vicious cycle, where one symptom would lead to the other. She didn't like this feeling of being out of control of her own body. It did help that her room was cool and dark, which to most would seem the opposite of what she would want. As per usual of late, she liked to keep her room dim. Taking a more determined step towards her bed, she slipped her skirt off and let it fall to the floor, and then Sharon crawled under her covers and let out a long sigh. She was already feeling a bit at ease. This was her safe place. She liked to think of it as her sanctuary if you will. There was nowhere safe, her memories could still get her here but at least in her room, she could go through it by herself. Sharon didn't like to break down in front of other people, she would much rather go through all of this alone.

Sharon lay in bed with the covers up over her head, eyes closed tight, she took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. She repeated the calming exercise over and over. Yes, it was working, but all of this just made her angry and disappointed in herself for not being able to handle what was happening to her. In her mind, she knew it wasn't rational to blame herself. Sharon also knew it wasn't her fault, none of this was, but that was easier to say than to feel. Though maybe today was her fault, but she had to try. She had to know if she could do it on her own, she was fine until her doctor rejected her and she did make a mistake that dreadful day months ago, but that mistake shouldn't have cost her this much. Within her anxiety was anger and most of her anger was at the idiots that put her in the situation that caused all this. Her therapist had said her feelings were normal. In her dark sanctuary, Sharon rolled her eyes, as she said quietly, "normal what is normal anyway?" He went on to tell her that she needed to go through all the emotions, to feel them and express them, but she seemed to be really stuck on anger lately.

Instantly Rusty knew something was up as soon as he opened the condo door and his eyes dropped down to notice Sharon's purse lying on the floor just inside the doorway. He closed the door and took in the rest of the surroundings. His mom's keys were not in their usual spot and her shoes looked like she kicked them off haphazardly as she made her way in their condo. Leaving things like this was nothing like Sharon unless she was going through one of her episodes and was in a big hurry to get to her room. What had him more worried was the items on the floor were evidence that Sharon went somewhere. She told him she would be home all day so he wasn't too worried about her today. He should have known better, Rusty thought as he picked up her discarded items and went towards her closed bedroom door.

Bending down to pick up the last item, he noticed it was her favorite sweater. He held them all in his hands as he at listened at the door to see if he should go in and check on her now or give her space. The room seemed silent to him so he decided to give her some time to herself. He made his way to the kitchen to make them both a light dinner, putting away his mom's dropped items as he went. Rusty knew if she was going through an attack right now or recovering from one she wouldn't want to eat. Sharon would stop taking care of herself and just want to hide in her room, but he knew she would eat a little for him and that was what was important. This way Rusty figured she would at least come out of her room and join him. Knowing Sharon couldn't tell him no especially when she was like this, needing help that she would not admit to needing, Rusty had no problem using that to his advantage.

She didn't know how long she had been laying in her room when she heard a knock on her door. Sharon peeked her head out from under her duvet and offered a quiet, "come in." The open door sent unwanted light into her dark domain. Her eyes followed her son as he came in and sat next to her on the bed.

Even with the hallway light, the room was still set in a low glow. Just enough light filtered in for him to see her eyes were a dull green with a touch of weariness in them. Rusty wouldn't bring anything up or ask her any questions, yet. He wanted to give her time to open up to him when she was ready. Acting like nothing happened, he casually said, "Hey there, I have dinner ready for us and it's your..." He placed his hand on an exposed part of Sharon's arm that was holding the covers just below her neck then removed it quickly when he felt her flinch. "So yeah, Sharon, it's your turn to pick the movie. See you out there in a few minutes." Not giving her a chance to respond even if she was going to, he stood up, she stayed silent as he left the room, closing the door behind him. Rusty was happy as long as he could get her out of that room, it's become like a cave or a hideaway for her. He didn't think she hardly ever turned the lights on in there anymore. He thought she was doing better the last few months and hoped his mom wasn't regressing.

Watching the door close, she let out a loud sigh and she flipped the covers back over her head once again. Sharon couldn't stay hiding in her sanctuary much longer. She knew Rusty well enough to know he was telling her in his roundabout way to get her butt out of bed even if it was just to come sit on the couch and watch a movie with him. They learned from experience it was better for her and Rusty to be together after she went through one of these episodes. He wasn't easily fooled and knew that something had happened to her today for her to have to hide once again.

They ate dinner in silence. Sharon got down as many bites as she could, mostly for Rusty's sake so he wouldn't worry about her too much. He took their plates into the kitchen. Knowing there was no way her son was going let her help, she went and sat down on the couch. As she got settled she picked up a throw pillow next to her, wrapping her arms around it and holding it tightly to her chest. Sharon watched quietly as Rusty set down a cup of tea on the table in front of the couch for her. She narrowed her eyes as he kept walking past her and down the hallway out of her view. Her wondering where he was going ended when she felt him wrap a throw blanket from her room around her shoulders. Rusty did know what helped her feel better that was for sure. She didn't like being this much trouble for him. She was the mother and she supposed to be taking care of him not vise-versa. Sharon gripped the pillow tighter with one hand and pulled the blanket fully around herself with the other.

Rusty sat next to her, clicking on the TV, he turned it to Netflix's and held out the controller to Sharon. She took out one hand from under her blanket and she waved it away, shaking her head no. Rusty looked at her concerned, he was well aware she hadn't said more than two words to him since he had been home. Whatever happened today must have been bad to put her in this kind state, he thought. "But Sharon it's your turn to pick the movie. I'll even watch a weepy chick flick," Rusty joked to her as he tried to get her to take the remote again.

"Hmm," Sharon looked up at him and in a weak voice said, "thank you, Rusty. Thank you for dinner and thank you for doing this for me. You pick the movie, I won't make it through the first half hour anyway so pick something you like."

He looked at her as she curled up almost into a ball at the other end of the couch. Sharon was lying on her left side; Rusty knew it was her less uncomfortable side. Though she told him over and over she didn't hurt too much anymore, but the way she moved told him something different. He knew her injuries still hurt her; he could see she still had a hard time moving. Her feet were tucked under her and her knees were bent up to her chest. She was almost completely covered with the blanket he brought to her. Rusty knew if he wasn't here Sharon would have her head covered too like she did in her room. Deciding he had given her enough time, he jumped in with both feet by asking her flat out, "so are you going to tell me what triggered it today? You know the doctor..." Rusty stopped when he saw her flinch at the word doctor so he used a different word, "You know your therapist oh and Dr. Joe said it was best if you identified what it is setting off the anxiety."

Sharon knew that Rusty had been talking to Dr. Joe about what happened and she was grateful he had someone he could to talk to. She felt like too much of a mess to help Rusty through his feelings about all this when she couldn't deal with her own yet. With a sigh, she finally asked, "Do you think we could talk about this tomorrow, Rusty? I promise I'll explain it all then. I'm just too exhausted to go into it now." Sharon was hoping she didn't sound as weak as she felt. Lifting her head up from the arm of the couch to look her son in the eye so he could see that she meant what she was about to say next. "I'm fine. Well, I'm better now. It's nice and comforting to just sit here with you. Again, thank you for all you have done for me and Rusty, I love you."

Rusty stopped scrolling through the comedy movie menu and looked over at his mom as she was talking to him. He couldn't see much of her but he could hear the strained tiredness of her voice. She then turned and their eyes met, her tone was more serious as she continued. He felt his eyes tear up when she had said in an almost frail voice, "I love you" to him. It had taken him a long time to get that Sharon really did love and care for him, that they weren't just empty words. Now, he was just trying to give back a little of what she had done for him. He watched as she laid her head back down on the edge of the couch. He heard her let out a quiet but long sigh, he could tell she was exhausted so he wouldn't push her. Rusty blinked back the moisture in his eyes then said with a nod of his head, "Ok, Sharon you can tell me whenever you're ready but will you stop thanking me, it's not necessary. I owe you more then I can ever repay you." When he heard her hum, he continued before she could interrupt him. "Yes, I know you've said over a hundred times I don't owe you anything, but let me do this for you. Sharon, I love you, too. More than I ever tell you."

Tightening the blanket around herself, Sharon closed her mist-filled eyes when she saw Rusty was once again scrolling through the menu looking for a movie to watch. She knew Rusty carried the weight of guilt on his shoulders, which in turn weighed her down.

When Andy saw Sharon's name on the appointments for that day he knew something was up. She was healing well. Actually, her recovery was much faster than anyone he'd seen. Sharon Raydor did amaze him. In the physical capacity, she was healing fast. He learned quickly she was a determined, independent woman that didn't like to accept help or advice from anyone, even her doctor. So he wasn't surprised that this woman over-worked herself to get released from the hospital. What did surprise him was she seemed to keep coming back to his regular office for checkups that he didn't think she needed. After the first month, he explained there wasn't much more that he could do for her. She was progressing faster than any of his other patients. That she should keep up with her physical therapy and to keep seeing her LAPD appointed therapist. It wasn't as if Andy really minded seeing Sharon more than he needed to. It was just that he was getting worried that her seeing him this much was holding back her emotional healing. He knew it was going to take a lot of courage from her to go on living her life the best she could after what she had been through.

He was well aware that his feelings for her were becoming very strong and it was actually hard for him to keep his hands off of her while doing his follow up exams. Andy knew it wasn't ethical to have feelings like that for one of his patients. The problem was there wasn't really much he could do about it when he was already falling for her, except to let her go. He knew he was in over his head and the exact moment when it happened. It was when they were trying to save her life in the ER.

Andy had been called at home to come in for an emergency surgery. By the time he arrived at the hospital, the nurses and the ER resident doctor said that the patient had coded twice since being brought in, but she was now stable enough for the OR. As they were taking her back to prep her for surgery, the woman had opened her eyes for a brief moment and their gazes collided. Andy could tell her eyes were once a bright brilliant green, but right then all he saw was hurt, pain and the life draining from them. It made him gasp as they wheeled her by him and he saw a plea in her eyes to help her. Right then and there he vowed to take away that pain and do everything in his power to keep this woman here with them, with him.

When they were in his office and Andy had sent her away that was harder than the long hours he, a team of surgeons and many nurses spent trying to keep her in this world. He had just met her and he didn't want to lose her now. In all actuality, he didn't really know Sharon, but there was something about her that drew him to her. It was as if he had known her a long time though he knew he had never met her before. Andy was sure he would never forget a beautiful woman like Captain Sharon Raydor. The ringing of his phone brought his mind back from the memories.

When he was done talking to his assistant about his next appointment, he took a breath, adjusted his glasses and looked out the window again. He was relieved to see Sharon wasn't in the parking lot anymore. It broke his heart to watch the woman he was head-over-heels in love with struggle to get to her car. He hoped it was from anger at him and not pain that made it so hard for her to move. Her anger at him was probably what was giving her the strength to make it to her car. Andy could tell instantly from her cold tone, though she didn't even need to speak, he could tell from her glare and from her posture as she took the business card he offered. Why Sharon was mad he didn't really know. She showed no signs of interest in him. In fact, it seemed she was trying to push him away. It did seem that she was comfortable with being friends, but when Andy joked around once about when she wasn't his patient anymore, they could stop meeting in the office on these non-dates and go out on a real date. He could see her shut down, so he never mentioned it again.

Even the times in the hospital when he checked in on her, she never held eye contact very long with him. When they talked, she used as little words as possible and quick responses. To him, it seemed Sharon was only interested in having him sign her release papers so she could go home, but then she kept coming back to his office so she could convince him she was ready for active duty. Finally, he cleared her for desk duty only because she wasn't ready for fieldwork especially if that involved holding a gun. Her right shoulder and arm told them both she couldn't hold it high enough or steady enough on its own, let alone to shoot a gun. Andy knew that news did not make her happy and that was why he thought she kept coming back to see him, to keep trying to get her doctor's orders lifted. Spinning back around in his chair to his desk, he slipped off his glasses and with his other hand he rubbed the back of his neck. Not seeing her on a regular basis was going to be much harder than he thought.

~TBC~

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