CHAPTER 2

I'm going to the place where love and feeling good don't ever cost a thing.

And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain...

'Deadliest Catch' star Phil Harris, captain of Cornelia Marie, suffers stroke while unloading boat.' Christina read the headline three times. "Oh my God," she whispered. "Josh must be devastated." She reached for her cell phone and flipped it open. Her finger stopped in mid stroke. Would he even want her to call?

They had remained 'just friends,' but each time she saw him hurt a little bit more, not less. He had others to comfort him. She decided not to contact him. Besides – he'd call her if and when he needed her – and she would be there.

Josh finished his cigarette, clicked off the television, and checked his watch – one am. Jake was still out; Josh wished he could have been with him, but one of them had to be responsible. He grabbed his cell phone from the bedside table to speed dial his brother; his finger stopped before it hit the number two. Jake would be pissed at him for playing 'mom' again. Instead, Josh scrolled through his list of contacts: A's, B's, C's, D's, E's… and stopped. Christina Edberg – he stared at the name. He held his finger over the send button, but never pushed it.

They had broken their engagement almost three years ago when he had decided to work on the Cornelia Marie. It had hurt him to the core to do it, but he knew it wasn't fair to carry on a relationship with her if he couldn't be there. He had been honest. He had told her that he needed to prove to his father that he could do the job, but more than that, he had wanted his father to see the man he had become. That didn't mean he loved her any less.

Josh looked towards the door as the knob turned and Jake stumbled into the room. "Where the fuck have you been?" Josh asked him.

"Don't give me any shit, Josh," Jake replied. "I needed a break. I spent every minute with Dad before you came here."

"You think I wanted to stay behind?" Josh asked his voice rising. He sat up and added, "That wasn't easy for me, Jake!"

"Do you think being here was easy for me?" Jake shouted.

Always wanting to get in the last word, Josh opened his mouth to retort, but then shut it. He could sense Jake's pain because he felt it, too. Instead, he quietly replied, "No, I know it wasn't." Josh put his cell phone back on the table and lay back onto his pillow. "Seeing him lying there… was the worst thing…" He sighed. "Let's get some sleep. We have to be at the hospital early tomorrow."

Jake flopped on the bed, glad Josh dropped the third degree, but dreading what they would have to face tomorrow. He wished he could sleep forever.

The news was grim. The type of stroke Phil suffered would have killed most people. The doctors expected him to need at least nine months of rehabilitation. Blood clots could be lurking in any of his constricted blood vessels ready to strike again. Still, Phil had been awake for two days, was talking, moving, and generally giving the staff a run for their money. He was defying the odds, and Josh allowed himself to feel some hope.

Jake, on the other hand, was totally lost. He chose to numb his brain to the fear that he could lose his dad. This was not coping. His addiction had taken charge months ago, but he did the best he could to stay sober enough to share time with his father. He and Josh took turns spending time alone with Phil, and it was those times that were the most painful. Tonight Jake decided he needed some time for himself and left before his brother arrived.

Since Josh was running late to relieve Jake, he called his brother as he drove. When Jake answered his cell, Josh could tell that he was somewhere other than his father's hospital room.

"Eh, where ya' at?" Josh asked.

"I'm tryin'… I'm trying to figure something out," Jake told him.

Josh knew exactly what Jake was doing, and it hurt him to see his brother unable to cope. "Jake! Dad's dyin' in the hospital and you're sittin' there gettin' high," he told him as his voice broke.

"I don't know why you're being difficult right now."

"I just fuckin' told you why!"

"If you were acting like a real brother, you'd be helpin' me with this stuff, not screaming at me!"

If Jake had been standing there, he would have decked him. He realized that, for Jake, it was all about himself when it should have been about their father. "I don't have time for this shit! Do it your fucking self!" Josh screamed into the phone and hung up.

"Fuck!" Josh exclaimed. He was a hair away from his breaking point. He pulled into the hospital parking lot and grabbed his cell phone to call Jake again, but his finger went to Christina's number instead. He didn't stop to think about what he was doing when he pressed the send button. He was losing it fast.

Fourteen hundred miles to the southeast in Seattle, Christina picked up her cell and checked the number. She took a deep breath and then answered, "Hello, Josh."

"Hey," he replied. Now that he had her, he wasn't sure what to say.

"I heard your dad had a stroke. Is he going to be all right?" Christina asked.

The awkwardness dissipated. That quickly, they slipped back into their old relationship. It was as if their break had never happened.

"Well, it's going to be a long rehabilitation for him, but he's making progress," Josh replied.

"I'm glad to hear that. Since you called, I thought that maybe…"

"Well, things could change at any time, but he's doing good... really... doing good."

"I've always loved your dad, Josh. I thought of calling you, but I wasn't sure you-"

"I love hearing from you, Chris."

She sighed. "It's hard for me, Josh."

"Yeah, I know… for me, too."

She wasn't sure she believed him. He seemed to bounce back too easily. "So… how are you and Jake holding up?" she asked.

He hadn't called to burden her with his family problems, so all he said was, "I'm gonna strangle Jake, Christina. I am literally going to kill him."

She laughed. "I see nothing has changed between the two of you."

He smiled. Her laughter could bring him to the brink of euphoria – without alcohol. "No, I guess not. Well, um, I gotta go see my dad."

"Give him my love?"

"Sure. And, um, thanks, Chris."

"For what?"

"For laughing. That was exactly what I needed."

"And here I thought you were going to thank me for always being there for you."

"Well, that, too…"

She was tempted to tell him about the East Coast job, but now was not the time. He had enough on his mind. "Call me anytime you need a laugh, Josh."

He chuckled. "Yeah, thanks. Love ya'."

Christina wiped a tear from her eye as she hung up. If he had asked her to come to Anchorage, she would have been on the next plane north, but he hadn't. He was coping without her – and that hurt.

Josh shoved his phone back into his pocket. Neither he nor Christina had moved onto another serious relationship since they had split. Part of him was glad that she hadn't because in his heart she was still his, but then again, he wanted her to be happy, and he knew she wasn't. She deserved someone who could be there for her, and he was not in a position to be that person right now.

He shook his head and opened the car door. If he thought about her any longer, he'd get that ache in his heart – and other parts of his body as well. He pulled the handle of the truck and was out the door. It wasn't going to be about him, or Jake, or Christina for the next few weeks. Maybe it was harsh to think that way – fuck, it hurt to think that way – but it was what he had to do to survive.

tbc