Zeus's Weight Loss
Early morning breakfast
Zeus: Hera, pass the sugar.
Hera: (rolls her eyes and passes him the sugar)
Zeus: (dumps a crapload of sugar on his pancakes)
Hera: That much sugar? You've been gaining a lot of weight lately.
Zeus: My weight is none of your concern.
Zeus: It's true! She's been nagging me about eating healthy since 1865. It's like she's criticizing me of my body. I feel like Jennifer Lawrence.
Hera: I know that I shouldn't tell him how bad he looks, but he's letting himself go, like really go. He used to have all these muscles all over his body, and he could lift up mountains and 10,000 boulders. And ever since the American Civil War ended, all he's been doing is dumping sugar on his pancakes.
Artemis: Hey, you can't talk like that to our father!
Athena: Yeah! How would you like it if he insulted you every day?
Hera: Um, excuse me, but are you married to an inconsiderate asshole who forced you into marriage by rape, then strays from your marriage bed every night to father practically half the population of Ancient Greece and returns only for sex and a pita pizza, then decides to give up his entire lifestyle of staying at least decent enough to be looked at for a couple of cups of sugar every day? ARE YOU?! I DON'T THINK SO!
Artemis and Athena: (defeated growl)
Athena: Hera has absolutely no right to belittle our father like that. After all he's done for her! Like, he's—he's…uh, ah! He did the laundry for all the gods this one time! Well, that was when she was taken by Porphyrion…
Artemis: Who does she think she is? She is wrong in every single way! Our father is definitely in shape. I mean, he's the king of the gods; he's not a disgusting slob of fat.
Zeus: (drops a plate) Ugh. (Tries to bend over in his seat)
Hera: (sighs)
Zeus: (stands up and tries to bend over to pick it up) Ugh, ugh, why is this so gods damn hard?!
Everyone: (staring in shock)
Hera: (shakes her head)
Poseidon: I think it was a shocker that Zeus couldn't bend down and pick up a simple object from the floor. I mean, back in the day he picked up Mount Etna and threw it on top of Typhon.
Aphrodite: Oh my gods! Zeus can't bend down and touch his toes! I'm soooo texting this to everyone. (Texts Persephone about Zeus's public humiliation)
Zeus: (finally picks it up after five minutes) What? What? Why is everyone staring at me?
Hera: (still shaking her head) You used to have abs.
Hera: I know for a fact that Athena and Artemis think I'm a jackass for telling Zeus every day about his diet, but after what happened, it's pretty agreeable that he needs some exercise.
Zeus: How dare she say that! Of course I have abs! Look at this hot baby, rock hard six-pack right there! (Lifts up shirt to show his non-muscled abdomen) See? It's there right?
Cameraman aka Percy: (shakes his head)
Zeus: Are you sure? I see it…kind of.
Athena: Well, according to Asclepius's data, he's been measuring your weight and height every four months for the past two years. Your weight is increasing by adding on average 75 pounds every four months, which is an arithmetic sequence, and the rate is…let me just think for a sec…(does advanced math) by year 3000, you will weigh about 1,564 pounds.
Hera: What?! (stares at Zeus in shock)
Zeus: Well, I'm a god. Of course I'll weigh a lot.
Athena: In mortal pounds, that is about…594 pounds.
Zeus: that's…That's not that bad. Is it? I-it's not…
Everyone: (jaws dropping to the ground)
Hermes: I think Hera's problem is not with fat people, but the fact that her husband literally does not care about anything anymore. Or maybe it's because all the extra fat will slow him down, which will ruin the sex. That's probably it.
Apollo: I took a video of Zeus struggling to pick up the plate, and you can literally see Hera fuming with anger. I've already sent it to about 1000 non-Olympian gods and goddesses, Titans—the nice ones of course, nymphs, satyrs, and monsters.
In the Underworld…
Cyclops: (receives a text) WHAT IS THIS?! (watches video) What a loser… (sound of Zeus wheezing with exhaustiveness)
Persephone: (phone chimes from Aphrodite) Oh, for Chaos's sake.
Hades (next to her in bed): Persephone, how many times do I have to tell you? I'd really appreciate it if you didn't text on your phone while we're having sex.
Persephone: Zeus can't bend down and pick up a plate! See. (Shows Hades the video)
Hades: Ha! The almighty brother finally faces humiliation in front of the entire world.
Nico (tech guy standing behind the cameraman aka Percy): (receives a message from Hades) Father, I'm right here. Remember? We're filming you for our TV show.
Persephone: (screams) I'm naked, you stupid children!
Cameraman/Percy: Dude, let's go before she destroys us!
Tech guy/Nico: Wait, I'm still sending the video to everyone.
Nico: The video's on Youtube now. Of course, it's only shared to certain people. But it already as a couple hundred-thousand views now.
Back at Olympus couple of minutes later...
Zeus's phone: (plays "My Humps" by Blacked Eyed Peas)
Zeus: (picks up) hello?
Rhea: Zeus, there's a video of you on Youtube trying to bend down and pick up a plate. Please tell me this isn't truth.
Zeus: Yeah, it sort of is... I don't know how it got onto Youtube though
Rhea: Themis and Tethys have been laughing in my face since they first saw it. Oh Chaos, Mnemosyne's never going to forget this. Or she'll never mention it out of embarrassment because she slept with you nine times
Zeus: Mother, I promise everything's going to be fine.
Rhea: I hope so. Don't mess this up (hangs up)
Poseidon: this is different. Definitely different. When a person that eats McDonald's every day drops something, that's just ordinary life for them. But when it comes to the king of the gods, that's totally different. Zeus has saved the world so many times, and now he can't even bend down and touch his toes. What if we need someone to throw a mountain onto a monster? Zeus won't be there to save us.
Hera: That's it! The entire world thinks that Olympus is full of a bunch of fat idiots! (storms out)
Zeus: Babe, wait! (follows suit)
Apollo: (makes sure they're out of earshot) I feel a haiku coming.
Everyone: (groans)
Apollo: (clears throat) Zeus is a loser, he bends and stomach flabs form, Artemis sucks.
Artemis: First of all, I do not suck. And that's only four syllables.
Apollo: But it's still true.
Artemis: No, it's not.
Apollo: Jeesh! Fine! We all know what happened last time. Anyways, I'll change it to I love 5SOS.
Artemis: "I love 5SOS" is still four syllables
Apollo: Whatever! Artemis sucks!
Athena: I hate Apollo's stupid haikus, almost as much as Ares. But Ares is so unintelligent it's impossible to hate anything more than Ares.
Later at Zeus and Hera's chamber
Hera: Okay, I've arranged for Ares and Heracles to come train you back into shape.
Zeus: Really. You talked to Heracles.
Hera: Well, I sent Iris. That's not the point. You will be under a strict diet and a daily training session with Ares and Heracles. Ares will train you in boxing and weightlifting, and Heracles will train you in some sports and gymnastics.
Zeus: so, no more sugar on pancakes?
Hera: No more sugar on pancakes.
Zeus: That's completely unfair! When you were pregnant with our children, you gained like twenty pounds!
Hera: Excuse me?!
Zeus: Oh no, don't worry. It all went down to your butt.
Hera: What?!
Zeus: I don't understand women at all. Apparently to women, having a fat ass isn't a good thing. I don't see why though. But I still learned something new today.
Hera: (storms out again)
Zeus: (sighs) women.
Hera: (returns with a lemon meringue pie and takes a deep breath) Okay, Zeus. Here's the deal. This is about you, not me. Why? Because the entire Greek Mythological world is laughing at you, not me. So, let's start with a simple exercise. Here's a pie. You eat one of these every other day.
Zeus: (staring at awe at the pie) It's so perfect...The hills of sugary foam, so creamy like mountains of freshly-fallen snow...and the crunch of its crust, the saliva moistening it to balance out the sensation-but most of all, the excitement of the lemon center, waiting for its tangy flavor and its suave texture to melt on your tongue...
Hera: (rolls her eyes)
Zeus: I think I'm in love...
Hera: (takes out a bat and smashes the pie on the center) Die, die you stupid pie! (continues annihilating the pie)
Zeus: (stares in shock as his pie is destroyed into pieces)
Hera: (finally stops after eight minutes) Whoo, that pie was a tough one.
Zeus: What did you do to her?! Why are you doing this?!
Hera: Oh, it's a metaphor. You see, the destruction of your favorite foods is a symbol for you beating your unhealthy lifestyle and starting on a new path to be King of the Gods 2.0.
Zeus: Woman, where do you have so much anger?
Hera: Oh, I just pretend that's your face I'm destroying.
Zeus: 0_0
Zeus: It's scary that your wife dreams of shattering your face with a bat, but you know, wives are supposed to be scary.
Later with Heracles and Ares at the Olympus gym
Hera: Okay, let's review the instructions. On Monday, you bench press with Ares, Tuesdays are mile runs and Wednesday-
Zeus: Alright, alright, you've told me the schedule ten times already. I think I've got it now.
Hera: (eyes him carefully) Fine. But if you mess up, you're sleeping on the couch (leaves the gym)
Heracles: Okay, since I'm the favorite son, I'll start with my synchronized swimming. Strip down and get in your trunks, Dad.
Ares: Whoa, whoa, whoa. First of all, you're not the favorite. And my mother told us that Mondays, Zeus does bench presses with me, which is today. And synchronized swimming is on Fridays. It's also for babies.
Heracles: Does it look like I give a crap about what your mother says? She's just a shrew that won't shut her trap.
Ares: Hey, that's my mother you're talking about!
Heracles: Ooh, I'm so scared. Mommy's little boy is going to attack me!
Ares: You shut up!
Heracles: Seriously now. Dad, I hope you brought your swim stuff.
Ares: I said it once and I'll say it again. Today is MONDAY, and on MONDAYS we bench press.
Heracles: I don't care! You're just a crybaby with no game!
Ares: That's it! You're going down.
Ares and Heracles: (wrestle each other on the ground. Of course, Ares ends up on the ground crying for Mommy)
Meanwhile...
Zeus: (creeping into the kitchen sneaking some crackers)
Artemis: (enters) Dad? Is that you?
Zeus: (turns around with a mouth full of food) uhh...
Artemis: Dad, you know you're not supposed to be eating that. You're supposed to be working out with those two idiots Hera arranged for you.
Zeus: Come on, Artemis. Honey, I'm your father! Just do me a favor and don't tell your stepmother.
Artemis: Dad, all of my hunters are laughing behind my back! They think that you're one of the most despicable men on Earth! Of course, they already hate men, but they think you're over the top!
Zeus: Well, at least they're not doing it in front of you.
Artemis: Ugh!
Artemis: My gods! The fact that he's still eating that stupid junk! Why do we even have mortal food anyways? Back in the day, all we had was nectar and ambrosia. With the occasional sacrifice of some swine. In the past, everyone was in shape. I mean, everyone! Even Dionysus.
Ares: (squashed underneath Heracles) Okay fine! We'll do your synchronized swimming. Just get off me!
Heracles: (chuckles) I knew you would give up easily. You're wimpy little Ares.
Ares: I am not wimpy! I just have some personal things that I have to take care of.
Heracles: Whatever...where's Zeus?
Later during the evening...
Hera: (sitting in their chamber on the bed reading Fifty Shades of Gray in her pajamas)
Zeus: (enters with gym shorts on and a tank top all sweaty) hey babe (kisses Hera's cheek)
Hera: Wow, you've done a lot today. Are you tired?
Zeus: Yeah, my muscles are aching. I feel like dying like a mortal.
Hera: Oh, then let's get you some rest. I won't disturb you; I'll sleep in the guest room.
Zeus: Uh-wait! I'm not tired enough to still do...you-know-what (winks)
Hera: (rolls her eyes and scoffs) That's all you men ever think about (gets in the bed anyways)
Dionysus: It's not what you think. After being caught in the kitchen by Artemis, we drank and ate cupcakes for the rest of the day. When it started to get dark, he changed into some gym clothes and poured some water on himself. Seems like Hera bought it. Since, you know, they're spending the night together (winks)
Two weeks later...
Athena: Okay, Zeus, let's see how much you weigh now
Zeus: (gets onto the fitness scale)
Athena: Oh dear, Hera's going to lose her top.
Zeus: Why? What happened?
Athena: Since your last two weeks of workout with Heracles and Ares, you've gained twelve pounds.
Zeus: Yeah, I don't think she'll be too happy about that.
Demeter: These entire two weeks, all Zeus has been doing is sneaking out of the gym while Ares and Heracles have their little argument. Then, he hangs around with the boys drinking beer, eating chips, and watching football games or half-naked girls on the TV. Then when it gets late, he changes into some shorts and T-shirt with a puddle of water down the middle.
Zeus: Oh, please, Athena! Don't show Hera the records! She'll kill me!
Athena: I'm sorry, Father, but this is my job! I can't betray your health! I have to show her the details. She'll find out anyways.
Zeus: I'm so screwed! What am I going to do?!
Athena: I truly feel sorry for him. I've seen Hera's wrath before.
Zeus: Look at this flab! She'll never look at me naked ever again!
Athena: Good for her.
Zeus: Are you sure you're right? Maybe you calculated the numbers wrong-
Athena: Excuse me, are you accusing me of doing math wrong?! Math is my specialty!
Zeus: Right, forgot.
Apollo: Zeus is soooo dead. I can't even tell how bad his ass is gonna get whooped today.
Later...
Dionysus: Hey, Zeus, I heard you've got yourself into a little trouble. I heard through the grapevine-do you get it, grapevine?-anyways, what's here is that I've got a solution to your twelve-pound problem.
Zeus: Wait, how do you know how much I've gained?
Dionysus: Athena posted the results on her blog.
Zeus: The little brainiac has a blog?
Dionysus: Yeah, usually the posts are about how annoyed she is with all the other stupid gods around her. Anyways, everyone knows your problem.
Zeus: Even...Hera?
Dionysus: Actually I'm not sure. Usually she just reads her books instead of surfing the Internet like the other gods here.
Zeus: Oh thank Chaos! So you said you had a solution.
Dionysus: Yes, it's a thing called the "suck and tuck".
Zeus: ...Liposuction?
Dionysus: Yep. I suggest you get one from someone you trust so they won't spill.
Zeus: So where's your little lab?
Dionysus: Oh, I only get you drunk and passed out so you won't feel anything when you're getting an operation. But I don't do the surgery myself. You have to find someone else to do it.
Zeus: hmmmm...
In the Olympus library...
Hera: (reading her current book Dear John)
Aphrodite: Hera! It's been forever!
Hera: You saw me this morning.
Aphrodite: Well, did you hear? Your hubby isn't actually improving much as your little plan goes.
Hera: Excuse me?
Aphrodite: Well, I heard that he gained instead of lost.
Hera: What?! That's impossible. He returned to me every single night sweaty and tired-actually, come to think of it, he's lied to me plenty of times.
Aphrodite: I'd be upset with him if I were you (smirks then looks around) Ew, books. (leaves)
Hera: (begins to fume)
Hephaestus's Workshop...
Hephaestus: (looks up) Oh, Lord Zeus. How may I help you?
Zeus: Yes, I was wondering if you perform liposuction surgeries?
Hephaestus: Umm, what makes you think I do that kind of stuff? And aren't you supposed to be working out now? You shouldn't be worried about liposuction if you're losing.
Zeus: Yeah, well, I'm gaining.
Hephaestus: Well that's a whole different story now.
Zeus: Please, I know you have tools and stuff, so you know how to do the ol' cut-and-slice.
Hephaestus: Oh gods...
Zeus: Please! Just do it for me!
Hephaestus: I'm sorry, but you're not my father. And Hera's my mother. So, no.
Zeus: Do it or I'll smash to pieces with my lightning bolt!
Hephaestus: Zeus, you're in my workshop and I can equally destroy you with my fire-flaming hammer. So please, I have some work to do.
Zeus: (walks away grumbling)
At the Olympus gym...
Hera: (enters) Ares! Bastard Child!
Ares: Ow! Get off of me you brute!
Heracles: Ha! Still wimpy I see...
Hera: What's going on here!?
Ares and Heracles: (looks up) uh-oh
Hera: this is what you've been doing this entire time? Fighting?!
Ares: (starts crying) Mommy, am I in trouble?
Hera: Where is Zeus?! HE'S NOT EVEN HERE!
Heracles: uh...
Hera: To even THINK I tried that new trick in bed yesterday night for him! Grr! (storms out)
At the living room...
Apollo: (singing along to his harp)
Zeus: Apollo! Apollo! Thank Chaos you're here!
Apollo: Um, yes Zeus?
Zeus: I need a huge favor. I know you're the god of medicine and healing, so maybe you can help me a bit with this problem.
Apollo: Ah, the I've-gained-twelve-pounds problem.
Zeus: Okay, can everyone stop mentioning that to me my face?
Apollo: What do you need?
Zeus: Liposuction
Apollo: -_-
Zeus: Please! You've seen your stepmother explode before.
Apollo: Zeus, I don't specialize in cosmetic surgery. I'm just a little god that likes haikus and 5SOS. Tell you what, listen to me sing a 5SOS song and I'll operate a little bit.
Zeus: (already leaving)
Already getting dark...
Zeus: This is hopeless! I'll never find someone who's willing to give me some liposuction!
Hermes: Liposuction, did someone say?
Zeus: Hermes! You probably can't do liposuction though...
Hermes: Now, who said that? We all know I love rebelling against the law.
Zeus: Oh Hermes, please help me! Anything!
Hermes: Well, follow me
...
Zeus: You've got a secret operation table here?
Hermes: Yep, I perform various operations on this very table. It's been going on since the Cold War-whoops (flicks off a peculiar looking body part) Don't worry, just a toenail.
Zeus: ...
Hermes: so, climb on up.
Zeus: Are you sure? There was a toenail on the table.
Hermes: Oh don't worry. Everything's perfectly fine.
Zeus: (lies down) Um, don't I get some anesthetic?
Hermes: Ah yes, Dionysus's special alcohol anesthetic combo. Here, have a glass. (Hands Zeus the glass)
Zeus: (gulps it down) whoo! That's strong. What's in it?
Hermes: Um, some Polish Vodka, some Whiskey, old-fashioned rum...
Zeus: (already snoring and hiccuping at the same time)
Hermes: Well that was fast.
Finally at night in Hera and Zeus's chamber...
Hera: That bastard! I can't believe I fell for his stupid tricks! I can't wait till I rip off his nads!
Zeus: (enters) Hey babe
Hera: Don't "hey babe" me, you- (stares at him)
Zeus: (shirtless with a perfectly flat stomach and tight arms and no double chin) How do I look?
Hera: E-e-everyone said y-you gained...but you didn't! Oh my gods! I knew you were telling the truth! (jumps into his arms and kisses him) (whispers in his ear) do you remember what I did yesterday night in bed...
Zeus: (rushes to the mattress)
Poseidon: Yeah, this one's a happy ending. Even though Hera never finds out the truth, Zeus still got away with it...again.
Demeter: Zeus didn't really deserve that night of love if you ask me. I think everyone, especially Athena, was waiting for Hera to destroy him. Of course, everyone was surprised to see both of them smiling wide ear-to-ear the next morning.
Hermes: My special skills always come in handy.
Aphrodite: Yay! Everyone's happy!
Zeus: Ahhh...that was my entree. Can't wait for dessert.