It was less than a week later that James saw his sister for the second time in his modern life. This time he went by himself, taking the train up to Westchester. When he arrived, an orderly was paged down to meet him and they rode the elevator back up to the fourth floor in silence.
Becky was sitting by the window reading a book when the orderly knocked on her door. "Miss Becca? James Barnes is here to see you again."
Her face instantly broke out into a smile when she saw him. He gave a shy wave and she motioned for him to join her. "Come on in, Jimmy."
"So you do remember this handsome young man?" the orderly said with a smile.
"I could never forget my big brother," Becky replied.
She patted the space next to her on the couch, but James pulled out a chair from the table and sat across from her. He leaned close and asked quietly what they had to do to be alone.
"Um, nurse can you give us a moment?" She asked.
The orderly gave a friendly, though surprised, smile. "Of course. I'll be in to check on you a little later then," she said.
Becky turned to James, offered him a cup of tea, which he declined. "I didn't expect to see you so soon," Becky said. "Has it been long?"
He shook his head. "No. No, I was just here on Tuesday, remember?"
She nodded. "I do."
He sighed. "Beck… there's something I have to tell you."
"A story?"
"It's… a long story," he said. "And not a very happy one."
She raised a cautious eyebrow. "Go on."
He took a deep breath, found he was unable to meet her gentle gaze, but started anyway. He told her about his accident at the end of the war, about waking up in Soviet Russia. He told her everything he could about his Winter Soldier years, about the crimes he'd committed, about coming back to the States and Steve restoring his memories. He talked for a long time, and all the while she held onto his hand.
There were times during the story where he cried and he'd look up to see that she was crying as well. There were times where he'd clench his fist in anger, but still she never let go of his hand.
She gave a low whistle when he was done speaking.
"I'm so sorry, Becky," he whispered.
She placed a frail hand under his chin, forced him to look up at her. "It wasn't your fault, Bucky," she said.
He nodded. "That's what Steve says. That's what they all say. And yet the blood is still on my hands." He squeezed his eyes shut. "It wasn't supposed to be this way."
She shook her head. "No, it wasn't. So what are you doing to change it?"
He opened his eyes, perplexed. "I can't change it. It's already done. All of it."
She pursed her lips. "Then I guess you're completely helpless."
"What? No.."
"That's right. Where's the Jimmy I know? You were always such a good boy, Jimmy.."
He blinked. "I think you're totally missing the point of the story."
"No, I understood it just fine. It's you who doesn't understand." She leaned in closer. "Take it from me. They can take your mind, but they can't take your soul."
He sniffed. "This is a little different, Becky."
"Not really. Sometimes things happen. Things we can't control. I know, I'm old." She squeezed his hand. "The things that happen to us don't change who we are though. Like… I wasn't supposed to wind up fifty years older than my big brother," she said thoughtfully.
He managed a dry smile. "I think I see."
"Good. The next step is you forgiving yourself."
He shook his head. "I don't see that happening anytime soon. It's just too hard… "
"The Jimmy I know wouldn't give up so easily. You've got to fight it. Fight like the soldier you were always meant to be."
"I'll try."
"That's a start," she said with a smile. "Now come on over here and give your old sister a hug."
"Gladly," he grinned as he embraced her fiercely. "Thanks, sis."
"You really are a good boy, James Buchanan Barnes," she said softly. "And I do love you very much."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
He fell asleep on the train ride home that night, and it was the most consecutive sleep he'd gotten since his memories had been restored. When the train stopped in Brooklyn, he was surprised to see that Steve was waiting for him at the station.
"How did you know?" He asked groggily. "Never mind, you always know."
Steve nodded. "Come on, pal. Let's get you home." He placed a firm hand on James's shoulder.
"I told her everything," James said quietly.
"I figured," Steve said. "How did it go?"
He shrugged. "As well as it could have, I guess. It's just been a really long day."
Natasha was waiting for them in the car. "James.. how are you?"
"Tired," he said, yawning as he shuffled into the back seat.
She nodded to Steve. "You drive. I'll sit with him," she said.
He slid into the driver's seat as she climbed into the back seat beside James. She placed an arm around him and he sleepily rested his head on her shoulder. The last thing he recalled was the soothing motion of her fingers moving across his temple.
XXXXXXXXXXX
He was awakened the next morning by a soft knock. He clumsily made his way over to the door.
"James.. good morning," Natasha said.
"'Morning," he replied with a yawn.
"I thought maybe you could use a friend," she said.
He nodded, stepping aside to let her in his room.
She closed the door behind her. "Steve said you had a rough night."
"I told her… everything."
She nodded. "I know that couldn't have been easy for you."
He threw his arms around her, burying his face in her shoulder.
She tightened her embrace on him, gently stroking his hair. "It's okay. You're okay, James," she whispered softly.
"I… she…."
"I know," she murmured. "Do you want to talk about it?"
He shook his head, pulled back slightly, looking into her eyes.
She raised her hands to his face, gently stroking his cheek with her thumb.
He mirrored her actions, carefully positioning his hands on either side of her face. She hissed slightly at the sudden cold touch of his left hand.
"Oh.. sorry.." he murmured.
She smiled. "It's fine," she said.
"Good." He leaned his face closer, closing the distance between them and pressing his lips roughly against hers.
"James…" she placed a hand firmly on his muscular chest.
"What? A pretend boyfriend can't get a real kiss?" He pouted playfully.
"Are you thinking clearly?" She whispered.
"No.. but I know I've wanted to kiss you since last week…"
She grinned. "Then kiss me," she said.
He kissed her again, this time more gently, and she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him closer as she kissed him back.
"I think maybe you wanted to kiss me too?" he asked.
She nodded. "I think maybe you're right…" She thought for a moment. "Will you go to see her again?"
He sighed. "Yeah. It's funny, isn't it? I've been closer with my sister in the past week than our entire lives…" He looked down at his feet. "She accepts me. For who I am."
She looked up at him questioningly. "Do you accept you for you?"
He smiled dryly. "I'm still trying to figure that out."
"Do you want to go to see her again today?"
He nodded.
"Do you want me to come with you?"
"Yes, please."
"Then let's go."