FANFICTION

LORD OF THE RING : THE DESIRE SERIES, FIRST BOOK, THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING

CHAPTER II : Growing Shadow

I was sitting on a chair, staring by the window and wearing a beautiful pale green dress. The voices got slightly louder in what sounded like an argument, and I glanced at Lord Elrond and the old man who had arrived today, two days after my waking. He had long grey hair and a beard, leaning against a staff. Something told me that he wasn't solely an old man. He breathed power.

The two men glanced at me, looking slightly worried.

My memory has remained lost for the last two days since I had woken up. I was an elf, like Lord Elrond and the people of Imladris. I could speak their language, as well as the Common Tongue of Men, though I often made mistakes while talking, probably from lack of practice. This man, introduced to me as Mithrandir, or Gandalf, wasn't an elf – he looked too old, too used by life for that. I could speak the languages of Middle Earth, but I knew nothing of this world. I had no idea what Imladris was until Lord Elrond explained it to me. For the last two days, if it wasn't him, it was Idhreneth, the elleth who had been at my side when I had woken up, who would talk to me about Middle Earth in the hope that it might trigger a memory. But nothing had happened; my mind was as blank as the first light of the day.

I was told that I had been found in a meadow by an elf. I had not talked to this elf, unfortunately, as he had left not long after bringing me here. I had talked only with Lord Elrond and Idhreneth.

"My Lady,'' Mithrandir said with a smile, speaking in the Common Tongue.

He had approached as I was thinking and I quickly got up, keeping my hands joined in front of me.

''Lord Elrond has shared with me your situation. You really do not remember anything? A name, a face, or perhaps what had happened to you?'' He asked gently.

''Nothing at all, My Lord. All I remember is what happened since I woke up.''

''You can call me Mithrandir, or Gandalf, whichever you prefer,'' he said with twinkling blue eyes, "Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to help with your loss of memory after Lord Elrond's healing; I doubt anything could work any better. All we can hope is that you will recall something one day…''

I lowered my head. I wasn't sure how to feel, not remembering anything was…it was hard not knowing who I was, or where I came from…but mostly, I had no idea what I was supposed to do now. Without an identity, or memories, how was I supposed to live?

''I-I am grateful to you and Lord Elrond…'' I answered.

''Do not despair,'' Mithrandir said with a smile, "Just because you have no memory of who you were before waking, that does not mean you cannot have a life.''

Did he just read my mind…? I stared at him in awe – and fear. But he continued with his soft smile.

"For the time being, you will remain under Lord Elrond's protection. You will remain in Imladris to learn about the world you forgot, until memories come back to you.''

"What if my memories never come back?'' I asked, with a trembling voice.

Mithrandir and Lord Elrond glanced at each other with an expression I couldn't read. It was the elf who answered with a smile:

"As Mithrandir said, do not despair. Even without memories, you can build a life here, at Imladris. Perhaps with time, and once you have recovered, you will remember something.''

I nodded absentmindedly before Mithrandir smiled, looking a little mischievous about whatever idea had appeared in his mind.

"Until you can recall your name, we should find you one. What about…''

His fingers brushed my golden hair, and he smiled with a little nod.

"Malrin, the Lady Crowned with Gold…'' He whispered.

"It is a fitting name for such a particular shade of hair and eyes,'' Lord Elrond agreed.

My heart beat faster and I smiled. Even without memories, without a past… I could have an identity – I was Malrin. And I would work my hardest to build myself a life, even if it was but a shimmering dream. I would have a life, someday.

Mithrandir left a few days later, and for several weeks I read and learned about many things – the History of Middle Earth, of elves, and the geography and peoples who lived here. Nothing triggered any memory, but I didn't mind much any more. I wouldn't dwell on my lack of memories. If I didn't have any, I just had to create some.

I remained for a long time with Idhreneth and met Arwen, the daughter of Lord Elrond. She was of great beauty and so nice – she made sure I would have everything I might need, considering the probably long amount of time I might remain in Imladris. I was moved into another room in shades and blue and purple, considering the green room I had woken up into was part of the healing wing. I found out that we were in the two-thousand nine hundred and forty second year of the Third Age – a few months after the quest for the dwarf kingdom of Erebor, or so I was told.

"Malrin!''

I turned around and saw Lord Elrond walking towards me, followed by two young smirking elves who looked so much like him I had no doubt about their identities – I had heard rumors of the twin sons of Lord Elrond.

"Malrin, let me introduce you my sons, Elladan and Elrohir, they are back for a short time in Imladris.''

I bowed to the three of them while one approached very close to me, taking my hair between his fingers.

"I had heard about the golden-haired lady my father had taken in, but I would have never imagined it would look so close to actual gold!'' Elladan (I think?) said with a grin.

"It is a peculiar eye color…'' Murmured the second, getting close as well, "I had never seen an elf with golden eyes!''

I stepped away, uneasy at their closeness.

"They will see if you are capable of wielding a weapon,'' Lord Elrond said. "Perhaps you already know how, and it might trigger your memories?''

I nodded, it would cost me nothing to try.

The twins led me to the training grounds where I had never been yet, telling me about their battles with the Dúnedain. They introduced me to Glorfindel, but they quickly gave me a bow and arrow. I looked at the target and drew the arrow, under the vigilant eye of the twin elves. I let go of the arrow and it hit the target, though it was outside the circle.

"It's not that bad,'' Elrohir said.

"It's as if you knew how to use a bow but had not practiced in a long time,'' his brother said with a nod.

"Let's see how you do with a sword!''

Before I knew it, Elrohir was attacking me with a sword, though he was being nice and wasn't using his full strength or speed. I somehow managed to stop his sword, but I was clumsy. It was hard to move, and even more to fight.

"I'm sure that with practice, you could fight well,'' Elladan said with a confident nod.

It wasn't a memory, but it was a clue about my past. Maybe I did learn how to fight before.

"Will you teach me?'' I asked curiously.

"We are to return with the Dúnedain soon, but I'm sure Glorfindel would help you,'' Elladan said with an encouraging smile.

A few days later I was going to meet with Idhreneth, who was a healer apprentice, but she was busy taking care of an elf, injured after a particularly rough training.

"Is there any way I can help?'' I asked in Sindarin.

"Ah, Malrin! Could you bring me this bowl?'' She asked, pointing at a wooden bowl on a table.

I took it and glanced at the liquid in it. I recognized the smell of a medicine destined to accelerate healing. I let my finger brushed the liquid, making it shimmer in circles, a golden light sparkling against the clear liquid.

"Tanka harwar…'' I whispered, before giving it to Idhreneth who gave it to the injured man.

"What did you just say…?''

We all turned around to see Lord Elrond standing at the doorstep and staring at me with wide eyes.

"My Lord?'' Idhreneth asked curiously, tilting her head on a side.

"You just used magic, healing magic. How do you know of this spell?'' Lord Elrond asked, approaching me quickly.

"I-I don't know, I just did. I didn't know it was forbidden…'' I replied nervously as Idhreneth stared at me with wide eyes.

"It isn't forbidden, but it is very hard to master.''

He stared at me with a curiosity renewed before giving me a sharp signal of his hand.

"Follow me,'' he ordered.

I glanced at Idhreneth, who was too stunned to talk, then hurried after the dark-haired elf. We went into another room with a huge library, and after looking for a book, he turned towards me and gave it to me.

"Does this trigger any of your memories?'' He asked.

I opened it and saw many plants, drawn and painted with their names and characteristics. I turned a few pages, taking in the familiar sight – though I had no idea how it could be familiar.

"These are medicinal plants,'' I answered, not quite knowing how I knew that.

"Malrin, I think you could become a great healer…'' He said, finally.

I looked up at him curiously and he continued:

"I do not have many apprentices. With your memory loss, you don't have much to do but read books with the hope that it might trigger something. But you've used a healing spell, rarely used, even for elves who have learned the art of medicine for centuries.''

"What are you trying to say, My Lord?'' I asked, suspiciously.

"If you are to stay in Imladris, you could become a healer. Your life would have a meaning then…''

My lips opened in shock. I pondered the question. For the last months, I tried to remember something by reading all about Middle Earth, but how many times did I ask myself whether what I was doing had any meaning? I thought so many times that I wanted to be of some use here in Imladris; and not just being the golden-haired, memory-less lady Lord Elrond had taken under his protection.

When my name was chosen by Mithrandir, I thought I would build myself a life. But the last few months had been nothing. I only held on to the past I could not remember… If I was to become a healer… I would have something to learn, to do. Something meaningful. Something more.

"Lord Elrond, please teach me.'' I said, with a voice so confident it didn't sound like mine.

I spent the next few years learning the basics of medicine. Just like weaponry and fighting, it was far from a memory, but something I had once learned and forgotten. I quickly became too advanced to remain with the other healing apprentices, and among them, Idhreneth. Lord Elrond took me as apprentice and taught me many things; most of them things I had never learned and were new to me. I also learned how to use weapons, preferring bow and daggers to any other weapon, though I had no choice but to learn of swordsmanship.

Ten years after I had woken up in Imladris, Mithrandir came back, his visit leading to festivities. It was then that I understood why I had been protected by Lord Elrond.

I was on my way to my room when I heard hushed whispers, recognizing the voices of Mithrandir and Lord Elrond, I couldn't help but stop, hiding the flame of my candle and eavesdropping. They were talking quickly, in the Common Tongue (probably to avoid being understood, considering many elves did not speak this language), sounding worried and nervous.

"The shadow we had feared is stronger now,'' Mithrandir said, ''You know that, you saw it.''

"I did, but I did not expect it so soon.''

"None of us did, but we cannot ignore it anymore. We must prepare ourselves for it. For war…''

"You said the Ring of Power was protected – you are sure of it?''

''Yes, yes…as long as it remains in the Shire, it should be safe.''

The Shire? The land of Hobbits? What is this ring? I wondered to myself, leaning a little closer to hear better.

"What about the girl? Does she have any memory that came back?'' Mithrandir asked.

My heart missed a beat. There weren't many people without memory – they were talking about me.

"None that she mentioned,'' Elrond answered darkly, "She can wield a bow and daggers, though. And she showed many skills in healing and medicine – as well as spells. She doesn't know it, but she has a gift in spells.''

"Spells? What sort of spells?''

What sort of gift? I wondered to myself.

"Not much for now, only little innocent spells. But I fear for the future if she develops her ability. Rumours had spread among the elves of her peculiar appearance, and many are coming solely to have a glimpse at her. The fascination about her is frightening, it reminds me of the way the Ring attracts…''

"It is no coincidence that she was found not long after the Ring reappeared. And now, Sauron is back in Mordor…'' Mithrandir said with a low, dark voice.

What is this Ring? Who is Sauron…?

Suddenly, my head was hit by a wave of pain so intense that I gasped, dropping the candle and falling against the wall. For a short moment, the only thing I saw was a wall of flames, just like the first thing I remembered – this wall of flames so intense it had turned away the darkness.

Someone touched my shoulder and I startled, the vision gone as I looked around in confusion, but there wasn't any fire. I looked up at Elrond and Mithrandir, both staring down at me in worry and… fear…

"What happened?'' Mithrandir asked, his voice tense.

"Did you hear us?'' Lord Elrond asked as well.

I stared at them and realized that, whatever this Sauron and Ring were, they thought I had something to do with it. I pulled away from the elf lord whose face turned sour and surprised, almost disappointed I'd pull away. But how could I let him touch me when he had lied to me for ten years?

"Who am I?'' I asked, coldly, getting up and stepping away from them.

They didn't answer right away, only stared at me in mistrust. I noticed Mithrandir gripping his staff more firmly…

"You should be the one telling us that, Malrin,'' Elrond said, frowning.

"How am I supposed to know? I have NO memory! But here, I hear you talking about a Ring, and Sauron, and Mordor! What are all of that? What does that have to do with me?!''

At the mention of the word 'Sauron', a cold breeze went past us, way too cold for the weather. I felt as if there was suddenly something, or someone, among us… Someone dark, frightening and powerful…

"Malrin,'' Mithrandir said, and strongly and as fast as it had come, this feeling disappeared.

I looked around but there wasn't anything at all, the night as quiet as it usually was.

My fear must have shown because the two men relaxed slightly, though I could not understand why they had been so scared of me a moment before.

"What is it you are not telling me…?'' I asked in a whisper, my voice trembling in fear.

"It's a long story, filled with darkness and pain.'' Mithrandir said darkly, staring right into my eyes.

"I'm involved now, I've always been apparently. What do you know of me, Mithrandir?'' I asked.

He sighed before he told me: how the Dark Lord Sauron had never been truly defeated, a shadow growing in the east whose existence was bound to the One Ring of Power. The very Ring that had disappeared for many years, until, ten years ago, Mithrandir thought it might have been found again.

"You were found ten years ago, not long after the reappearance of the Ring – or what I think might be the Ring. I can only hope it is not… The longer it remains lost, the better it is for us all…''

"But I have nothing to do with all of this, right?'' I questioned, hands wriggling in worry, my fingers brushing my long scars as I always did when I was scared or nervous.

They glanced at each other, something I couldn't understand passing on their faces.

"I hope not,'' Mithrandir said, with a tight voice. ''Malrin, you must understand that if anything ever happened to you, even a dream of some sort, something that might be nothing for you….you have to tell us. It is the fate of all of Middle Earth that is at stake.''

He looked straight into my eyes, as if seeking the truth within my soul.

"I will…'' I whispered, staring back at him with defiance – and suspicion.

"It is best that you remain in Imladris, under the protection of Lord Elrond and–''

"I am a prisoner,'' I said suddenly.

"No, Malrin–'' Elrond started but I cut him off.

"No, I am a prisoner! It may be a golden prison, but it is one! You didn't take me under your protection simply out of generosity! You are scared of who I might be, of what I can do! You've been keeping an eye on me all these years without telling me the truth! That's also why you made me become your apprentice, so that you could know what I can do with spells!'' I exclaimed, getting up suddenly from the seat I was sitting on.

"I may have – but I know that you aren't evil!'' Lord Elrond said. ''It is true that you were put under my protection so that I could survey who you were, but I do not believe you are our enemy.''

''Do not make us your enemy simply out of anger, Malrin…'' Mithrandir said with a sad light in his eyes.

I turned my head away, clenching my fists. I wasn't angry, I was furious. They had lied to me from the beginning, pretending to care, to help, when they were feeding their own needs! Keeping an eye on me as if I was some sort of hidden enemy, a spy for Sauron! I had no idea any of it existed until today, and they knew much more about me than what I thought…

"Believe us when we say that you are being kept in Imladris for your own good, to protect you.''

"Protect me? Is this what you're calling it?'' I hissed, bitterly.

"Yes, it is protection,'' Lord Elrond said. "We don't know whether or not you are linked in any way to the Ring and Sauron. But if you are…you are in danger, from Sauron and his orcs, from yourself even. We…don't know a thing about you, you don't know a thing about you either, and that's what makes you so dangerous.''

I glanced up at him, not quite believing I could be dangerous, to anything or anyone. I was just a healer apprentice, I couldn't put up much of a fight either. I had no memory of my past – how could it be dangerous?

"You can remain here, in Imladris, and continue to live as you have had these past ten years, under the protection of Lord Elrond, learning to become a healer who could save many lives in the future. Or you can become a danger for us all, torn away by anger and bitterness and be locked away. It is your choice, Malrin, whether to live fully, protected and fulfilling something, or to be a shadow of who you could become.'' Mithrandir said with a hard gaze.

I tried to glare back…but I was unable to and lowered my eyes, my fists letting go of the fury, but the anger remained there.

"I want to become a healer, I want to save people, I want my life to mean something. And no matter what your true intentions were…you were good to me…'' I murmured, glancing hesitantly at Lord Elrond, "I will remain your apprentice, if you still agree to teach me. And I will obey you, for I am most grateful for the… home and life you offered me ten years ago…''

He gave a little nod, and a few minutes later I was approaching my room, entering it with a sigh and leaning against the door. Their explanations had taken most of the night, and the sun would rise soon. The night sky had turned purple and the stars had faded, not dark enough for them to shine.

I approached the window and saw the sun rising, my heart warming upon seeing the short moment when the sky was pale gold. I closed my eyes, taking in the warmth of the sunrise, my heart beating steadily and reassuringly under this pale, pure light. I would have a life, I would work for it, even if it'll take me centuries to build. I didn't want any more darkness or lie, I would make a life of my own.