A look in to the emotions that bind Kikyo, Inuyasha and Kagome to each other and the desires, fears, insecurities and hopes that dwell in each of them.

Inuyasha isn't mine. If he were I'd rub those furry ears of his all day.

"Thus has it been with passion's fires-

As many a boy and girl remembers-

While every hope of love expires,

Extinguish'd with the dying embers.

In one who felt as once he felt,

This might, perhaps have fann'd the flame

But now his heart no more will melt,

Because that heart is no more the same."

 ~Lord Byron

One Jewel, Two Souls, Three Hearts

Inuyasha's Story: For Love and Honour

            I learned at a young age that I could ill afford the luxury of feeling. As the son of an Inu Taiyoukai and a human hime, humans regarded me as a monster.  I was viewed as the unfortunate result of a forced coupling between their lovely hime-sama and an evil youkai lord who had forced himself on her. When they discovered love had existed between my mother and father, they shunned us both. Youkai despised me; I was a weak half-breed with tainted blood, unworthy of the heritage my father had given me, weakened by my humanity.

            I don't really recall when I realised that emotions were not a privilege a hanyou could enjoy. Perhaps it was the first time Sesshomaru sneered at me, with my inferior human blood and my human stench. Or perhaps it was the first time humans taunted me and I saw my mother's face streaked with tears when I asked her what hanyou meant. In any case, a short time later I was alone in the world with no kin to speak of, or at least none that would ever claim me as one of their own. Not that I gave a fuck anyway. I was doing fine on my own. Even as a hanyou I was much stronger than most youkai. I didn't need anyone, I didn't give a damn about anyone and I sure as hell didn't need anyone to give a damn about me.  I was however, determined to prove my strength to the youkai who despised me and those puny humans who taunted my mother and I. Maybe deep down I thought that if I were a strong youkai Sesshomaru would stop seeing me as the bastard hanyou brother, an unfortunate accident, a lapse of judgement on our father's part when he took a human mate. Maybe if I were strong, I would no longer be a stain on the clan's honour. So our clan were the Inu youkai of the Western Lands, yet even with my human blood my bloodlines were every bit as noble as any youkai. My mother had been a hime, not even that arrogant half-brother of mine could claim that about his parentage.

It was during that time I came to learn of the Shikon no Tama. How or precisely when, I no longer recall. With the events that took place later on, that has gradually faded in to my memory. Looking back, I'm not sure why I did things the way I did. Perhaps it was karma, or destiny or perhaps maybe my own luck good or bad. Or maybe, just maybe, everything including my existence was one big joke of the kami.

But when I heard rumours of the Jewel that could grant any wish, I thought I'd finally become a full and proper taiyoukai. For weeks I tracked the Shikon no Tama, the priestess who guarded it never seemed to stay in one place for long. When I finally met her for the first time, I was struck, struck by the gentle, yet determined expression in her grey eyes, by the kindness and the passion that burned inside her. And her miko arrows also struck me. Damn, that woman was good with a bow and arrow. She could hit any still or moving target within two hundred paces, hanyou or youkai. That may have been the reason I couldn't put her from my mind. She pinned me to a tree by the sleeves of my robes after one of my attempts to steal the Shikon no Tama and yet she didn't kill me. I was humiliated, enraged and intrigued. Again and again I would seek out the priestess who was guardian of the Shikon jewel that I coveted. Again and again, she would have me at her mercy, pinned by her arrows. Each time, I'd leave without the jewel or any injuries save my pride.

It became a bit of a game for us. As time passed I no longer knew whether I sought the jewel or her. Finally I asked her why she didn't just kill me and be done with it. Her answer and the look in her eyes as she answered me shook me to my soul: "I can't kill you, we're too much alike." Initially I reacted in anger, my customary response. How could a revered miko have anything in common with a hanyou such as I? I began to watch her from a distance and realised she was right. As high and mighty as she was, she was kept at arms length by all those around her. She was as lonely as I was. Although not physically alone, her gifts and duties set her apart. She must have sensed my presence following her because one day she stopped in a clearing in the forest and asked me to come out. She proceeded to unpack some of the food she'd brought and invited me to eat with her. Wary at first, I grudgingly began to eat when she did. Maybe that was our first date.

Kagome thinks I don't know what a date is. I let her think that, it's easier than explaining to someone who always jumps to conclusions, and the wrong ones at that. In any case, I can't change the past or what I did with Kikyo, and I'm not sure I'd want to either. I have my reasons, and they're not perverted bouzu reasons either. It was on the way back to Kikyo's village that I kissed her for the first time. At first I wasn't sure if she'd let me, but it soon became obvious she wanted it as much as I. For me, it was a very real and tangible sigh that I wasn't dreaming. There was actually someone in this world other than my mother who didn't find me repulsive, that someone cared. Of course part of it was pure unadulterated lust. On my part as well as Kikyo's.

It was a mere few months later, coming back from some village or other where Kikyo had been warding off youkai. I had waited for her on the outskirts of the village, as was my custom. We grew in to a comfortable ritual of me travelling with her but never entering any village. For the space between human settlements we were simply a male and his beloved. And on one journey we became a male and his mate. In retrospect I realised now that the physical act intended to cement our bond had the effect of driving a wedge between Kikyo and I. For me, she became my mate but for her, I think it pushed her to acknowledge something that she had always known; we had no future. A miko bonded to a hanyou was ridiculous. I think it was during time she hatched the idea of having me with on the Shikon no Tama to become human and set us both free. Of course, she didn't mention any of this until much later. Not that I hesitated in agreeing anyway.  

It's been fifty years since Kikyo pinned me to the Goshinboku, by an arrow through my heart. I wonder what would have happened had Naraku had never come to be; would I be human now, an old man with grandchildren at my knees. Or perhaps Kikyo and I were never meant to be. Despite our feelings for each other, our physical relationship, I didn't trust her. Not the way I trust Kagome.

Kagome, that simple, insecure, generous, loving, loyal wench that has promised to stay by my side even after I sent her away. Somewhere along the way, she has managed to worm herself inside the walls I've erected around my heart. I remember when I first met her and wanted to kill her. I was so confused, this girl who looked just like the woman who had pinned me with her arrows. The one I loved and had killed me. I was also turned on as hell, obviously because of her resemblance to Kikyo. Shortly thereafter the wench relieved me of my misconceptions. The girl couldn't even shoot straight.

But now, now I trust her more than anyone I've ever trusted since okaa-san died. But even my mother didn't know everything about me. I never let her see my hurt when humans would curse and throw rocks at me. Kagome knows all of that. I know her feelings for me, I'm not as oblivious as others think not to mention she's terrible at masking her emotions. Those eyes of hers give everything away.

Kikyo was always clam and serene, appearance wise anyway. The only times she let that mask drop was during our love-making, but even that was temporary. That and when she pinned me to the Goshinboku. So even though I know how Kagome feels I'm not free to speak up. I've promised my life to another, provided I come out alive with this thing with Naraku.

And Kagome, she belongs to another time, another place. Each time she goes home, I'm acutely aware that her place is elsewhere. While the gadgets she brings back from her time make life much easier, they serve as reminders that she is not here to stay. What is there that I can say or offer that could change this reality? Still it riles me and makes my blood boil when I see her bring all friendly with that wimpy wolf. And even thought I know she doesn't care for him in that way, and that I hurt her each time I leave to see Kikyo, I can say nothing. Offering reassurances and making promises would only make our inevitable parting more painful.

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Perhaps this may not seem typical Inuyasha, but I believe inside he's intelligent, sensitive and more than capable of loving. His past experiences have made him wary and the way he acts are defense mechanisms to protect himself. Don't forget he's also very young, teenage boys aren't known for their maturity. I have the feeling though, that to be beloved of Inuyasha must be a wonderful thing. If nothing else, his inability to forget Kikyo shows he's loyal and true. Kikyo is his first love, don't we all tend to have a soft spot for that person, whether they deserve it or not? A tendency to view relationships that might have been or could have been with rose coloured glasses is no more than human nature.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter!

~silver bubbls