0200 Zulu 12.06.2185
Garrus laid in bed facing the wall, unable to sleep. His mind raced with thoughts and doubts. The day of reckoning was at hand. He'd be there to face his many counts of treason and war crimes alone. His former co-conspirators had taken plea agreements except Liliandaz, he'd been given pardon for turning the galactic version of state's witness and was granted immunity.
The cell was cold and the flat mat he slept on drew away what little body heat he had away from him. He shook violently, trying to warm himself. The guards had messed with his environmental controls one too many times since he'd been incarcerated. He could hear from the outside the sound of boots on metal come close and stop in front of his cell door. He looked over his shoulder, waiting for whoever was at the door to walk passed.
"Unlock cell 325." One of the guards had shouted.
Garrus sat up edging his way to the edge of the bed. He dared not stand up because the guards would consider him a threat and attack. They had done it several times before to mark the point that they were in charge. His door screeched open and in walked Kaidan. Garrus sat for a moment dumbfounded by the fact that his enemy was standing there.
Kaidan turned to the guard and spoke in a serious tone, "That'll be all. I can handle him myself."
Garrus snorted his disapproval as the guard shut the door behind him.
"Well isn't this just peachy." Garrus grumbled under his breath.
"Nice to see you too, Garrus." Kaidan snapped back. "I thought that I would give you a heads up about the trial."
"What about it? Four counts of treason and other overly problematic charges? What could you possibly help me with? I don't have a lawyer and I don't need one." Garrus quipped standing up and walking to the farthest corner of the room.
"I'm not your lawyer. I thought I would give you some friendly advice." Kaidan chirped.
"First off, we're not friends. There isn't a snowball's chance in hell of that. Two, whatever advice you have, you can take it and shove it."
"Oh, please, we'd never be friends. You're too much of a stubborn, stuck up jackass. I don't know why Shepard picked you. Of all people, alien or otherwise, why you?" Kaidan asked, balling his hands into fists.
"Ah, are we jealous? Look I don't know why me. Why don't you go ask her. Oh, that's right, she's dead because of you and what you let Nihlus do." Garrus yelled.
Kaidan raised an eyebrow and stood there. The thin line across his face drew up into an evil smile. Garrus cocked his head, curious as to why Kaidan would be so devious about his late friend.
"If only you knew, Garrus, if only you knew." Kaidan smirked. He knocked on the door and called to the guard. As the door slid open Kaidan turned back to him and said. "Plead guilty."
Garrus glared at Kaidan for a long moment before spurting, "I had planned on it, anyways."
"Good to hear it." Kaidan responded as the door closed between them.
Garrus bolted for the door wanting to grab the weaselly bastard by the scruff and toss him around for desecrating Nevara's good memory. His good memories, indelibly linked to his subconscious. Kaidan had no idea what Nevara had done for everyone she'd come into contact with. Some survived, some died, Nevara played God when in the field. She had no time for bullshit. If you slowed her, she'd stop you permanently. Gaeto proved that when she executed him.
He sat back on the bed, irate and agitated about court. There was no news from his government or the military. The Resistance had black balled him and he was now the fall guy for all the fuck ups on all sides.
He shut his eyes tightly, trying to calm the violence building up. He knew what court was and how to deal with it. He'd done it so many times before when working for C-Sec. He just never was on the defendant's side of the room before. Plus, this was very large scale, so much so, that the council was acting as judges to preside over the whole case. His fate was in their hands, but knowing how the Turian government had all the evidence against him along with the Systems Alliance with their own stack of charges, it was going to be an impossible fight. One which he wasn't going to fight.
"Damn it,Vakarian, quit being a pussy and face your problems head on. So what if things look bad, it could be worse." A voice spoke out from the door.
"Really? How much worse could it possibly be?" Garrus muttered.
"Look at me, Garrus." The voice spoke in a near whisper.
"You're not real." Garrus growled, as he opened his eyes.
"I'm as real as you need me to be." The soft voice said, closer to him than before.
"No. This isn't right. My mind is fucking with me again." Garrus stated, looking in the direction of the voice now.
There he met those very soft hazel eyes staring back at him. They were cold and empty. Dead. He was so fixated on them. Those eyes, still beautiful and yet so horrific to him. He scanned the sallow face. Her lips blue with dried blood streaking down the corners of her mouth.
"You're mind isn't fucking with you, Garrus. Let's just call it, a manifestation of you're true self." Nevara said.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Garrus mumbled.
"Have you really dealt with anything?"
"Like what? You're dead. So? You're not the first person that I've met who's died."
"I'm not just talking about that. You're guilty. You have guilt. About a lot of things."
"No, I don't." Garrus spat.
"Throw on top of all that the denial your going through."
"I'm not."
"You are."
"You watched her die in your arms. There wasn't anything you could do about it. The amount of helplessness that you felt is understandable."
"Bullshit."
"It's not bullshit. Who did she have to mourn her? No one. You can't even admit to yourself that you lo-"
"I didn't."
"You did. Why can't you just admit it? It's not that hard. You lo-"
"I fucking didn't!" Garrus yelped.
"Fine, fine. Lie to yourself all you want. You know she wouldn't accept this from you."
"Alright. I get it."
"I don't think that you do."
"What else is there? It's my fault that I got her involved in all of this. If I hadn't met her and asked her to join me, then probably she wouldn't be dead."
"Do you really believe that?"
"Isn't that what you want to hear?"
"Why do you continue to lie to yourself? How many times did you tell her that you wouldn't change anything? That things happened for a reason."
"I know I said that. But I never meant for her to be shot dead. I was happy with what we had. She made me happy. I do mourn her every fucking waking moment I have."
"Then why do you beat yourself up over it?"
"I don't know. Does it really matter? I'd rather not deal with it."
"Because that's not what she'd want you to do. You of all people should know that. She wouldn't want you to go down as a martyr."
"I'm not. What else is there left for me to do? I'm alone on this front and I'm being attacked on all sides."
"Seems familiar, doesn't it?"
"It does."
"Sure, you've been fighting yourself and everyone else for so long and then one person comes along and shatters all your defenses in one fell swoop."
"So its her fault?"
"No. She didn't die alone. She knew what she was getting into long before joining up with you. Death is part of the job and she was living on borrowed time."
"I don't get it."
"You had been reading her reports since Helyme. You saw all the missions she did. They were practically suicide missions. At any moment she could have died. Yet, she took the missions gladly. Why is that?"
"I don't know."
"She didn't think she'd ever see you again."
"So?"
"You made her feel something and then you were gone. She was already dead in her mind, her body just needed time to catch up."
"So it's my fault?"
"Not in the way that you think. Everything happens for a reason. She wasn't alone and she took the mission fully knowing that it could be her last."
"How is it my fault then?"
"It's not."
"But you just said-"
"No, you just said it. It wasn't her fault. It wasn't your fault. It just happened. There wasn't anything that you could do about it."
Garrus stopped and stood for a moment looking down at the small woman looking up at him. Still as dead as the last time he'd seen her. He paced, never taking his eyes off of her. He couldn't. The logic didn't make sense. He'd been spinning himself in circles and couldn't find the end to it.
"What am I supposed to do then?" Garrus asked.
Nevara stood up, still dripping blood from her gunshot wound. She brushed his mandible and smiled. She wasn't really there, but she felt so real. Her touch ice cold. Her scent strong and heavy.
"You know what to do and you know what she would want you to do."
"Go down fighting."
"And forgive yourself if its any consolation."
"It's really not."
"Just remember this-" Nevara paused making her point more dire.
"Remember what?" Garrus asked. He wanted the answer so bad he yelled his question.
"She already kn-" Nevara started.
"Hey! Keep it down in there, Vakarian! Or you'll get some more of that preferential treatment again." The guard yelled back as he banged on the door.
Garrus looked at the door startled. When he looked back towards Nevara, she was gone. There was nothing. No feeling, no smell, nothing. She was gone, again. Left him alone in twisted and perverted prison of a mind. It was torture unendurable.
"A manifestation of my true self? Yeah, right. It was just a trip off the deep end." Garrus grumbled to himself, ashamed of the argument that he'd had.
He sat on the bed, frustrated, tired. He knew she- he was right. There was no kind way to go through what he was going through. He'd just have to suck it up and face it, alone. There was nothing to forgive; he'd tortured himself over and over again.
"Guard! I want to talk to Kaidan Alenko." He called.
The guard slid the slot open and stared at Garrus for a moment. "Why?"
"I just do. Could you get him for me? Consider it the last wish of a dead man."
The guard smiled and nodded. "That's a relatively easy last request."
The guard slid the slot shut and walked away. A new found determination filled Garrus. He had to talk to someone, and Kaidan was the only one who reached out to him.
Kaidan came to the door and stepped in. He looked at Garrus perplexed as to why he was being beckoned. Garrus looked at him a strange smirk grew across his face, flashing his sharp, pointed teeth.
"I'm glad you came, Kaidan." Garrus hissed.
"What did you want, Garrus?" Kaidan asked, stretching what little sleep he'd had in his muscles away.
"Isn't it funny that I knew you were still here?" Garrus smirked.
"The thought crossed my mind, yes. But that does beg the question of what the hell do you want." Kaidan snapped.
"You're hiding something from me. What is it?" Garrus inquired.
"Nothing."
"You're lying."
Kaidan gasped at the implication and took a step back. "How do you know?"
"Look at you, Kaidan. I've never asked to talk to you, and the night before the trial, you come to see me? What's going on in that little human mind of yours? There's something there that you haven't told anyone. What is it?"
"Why are you questioning me?" Kaidan barked.
"Why the hell not? What have I got to lose?" Garrus smirked realizing that he'd hit a nerve. "Obviously, there's something on your mind that you haven't told anyone."
Kaidan sighed and pulled from his jacket pocket a datapad. Garrus eyed the unit with glee. He'd struck gold.
"I never gave this to Internal Affairs or the turian military. I couldn't." Kaidan choked out.
"Why? What is it?" Garrus asked, never taking his eyes off the datapad.
"It's a message for you. She wrote it the last night before she took the mission to Aeia. I found it in her desk. There wasn't much else there."
"What's it say?" Garrus chirped, excited by the new find.
"I haven't read it. I don't want to know what's on it."
"Can I see it?" Garrus asked, extending his hand.
Kaidan hesitated and slowly handed it to Garrus, who snatched it quickly and pushed the button.
Commander Vakarian:
I don't know if this message will ever get to you, but I haven't stopped thinking about you and us and everything in between. I hope we can see eachother again soon. I really don't know what to put in this damn thing. There's so much to say and not so many ways to put it. I really don't want this falling into the wrong hands, but if for some reason, I can't give this to you in person just know that I cared and want you to take care of yourself. I found a quote that reminded me of you while I was reading. "The noir hero is a knight in blood caked armor. He's dirty and he does his best to deny the fact that he's a hero the whole time."
I better be off though, I have a mission briefing to get to. All hush-hush and top secret.
Lt. Commander Nevara A. Shepard.
"She never stopped thinking of you. She changed a lot in the last year. She stopped letting people get close and I had wondered why, but now I know. She'd held out hope for you." Kaidan sulked.
"Why didn't you turn it in?" Garrus asked.
"And desecrate the woman she was more now than ever. No. She's going to be muckraked enough once the trial starts."
"Thank you, Kaidan." Garrus purred.
"This doesn't mean that we're friends." Kaidan spat.
"Of course not. But thank you anyway."
Kaidan turned to walk out of the cell and hesitated. He turned back and held out his hand.
"I need that back."
Garrus stopped and looked at Kaidan with so much contempt that he was angry. "But."
"No but. You know the rules."
"Fuck your rules." Garrus growled.
"Garrus-" Kaidan took an offensive stance.
"Just let me have this." Garrus pleaded.
"No. You've had more than enough of her."
"You hurt her more than I ever could." Garrus grew cold and rigid.
"I know. I was out of line."
"You damn right you were. You owe me and her."
"I don't owe you anything. Don't make me call the guards in here."
Garrus hesitated and looked at the datapad for a long time. It hurt so much to have to let it go. He handed it to Kaidan, his shoulders slumping forward. Kaidan took the pad and snapped it over his knee. Garrus shocked, his eyes large jumped at Kaidan.
"Don't." Kaidan ordered as he backed his way towards the door.