The Builder and the Bridge - chapter summary : A week after chapter 1, Asami pays a visit to Air Temple Island to reflect. What she learns about Korra, however, will take her somewhere she was not expecting.
The smell of burning incense wafted through the wood halls of the main building on Air Temple Island. Outside, a misty rain befell the bay. When Korra looked out the window of her room, the thin film of falling water blended with the rays of light from the spirit portal, and she thought of the way ink would bleed onto the page when she pressed a brush down too firmly. On her floor, she sat cross-legged, before putting her fists together and closing her eyes to meditate.
On the other side of the bay, in a dimly lit office room of a tall estate building, Asami practiced her own meditation. Cold tea sat in a porcelain cup next to a tall stack of poorly sorted pages, each inked with plans, revisions of plans, ideas for new plans, and so forth. She relished in planning. Others, including Korra, saw the meticulous attention to detail required in enginnering large systems as an impossible obstacle, but for Asami, it was release. To focus on the problem at hand, envision each component individually working on some small task, and then finally combine these components into a working system, was a process of craft and ingenuity Asami could appreciate.
Still, tonight's challenge stumped her. She had tried different angles, different methods, even different pens, and still nothing yielded a satisfactory result. To a passing observer, the pages might have looked like the scrawlings of a madman in a prison cell. Numbers and lines fell about the pages as if dropped carelessly from a height, their remains left splattered and drizzled about the place. Asami closed her eyes and sighed. She had been working on this problem for several hours now. Her stomach grumbled, her eyes ached. Maybe it was time to stretch, stand up, and walk around restlessly as the remaining tinkering bits rattled around in her head.
She found herself in the kitchen a few minutes later. With the lights off, the glimmer of the moon and the flickering of raindrops outside left a reflection on the table. She pulled up a chair in the darkness and sat down, noticing the small picnic basket she had left behind on the table. She had prepared something for the previous weekend, a surprise she wanted to spring on Korra when she had a break, but then work caught up to her and she had to put off the plan. "I guess I forgot to put this stuff away," she thought. Reaching inside, she found a plum, still ripe and soft to the touch. She took a bite while thinking about Korra. She was easy to think about; she found herself spending lots of free time with her in her mind, sometimes a backdrop to some other problem she was working on, sometimes at the forefront of her thoughts, but always a benevolent presence. She remembered how they had cuddled a week ago on the bench on the island, and she remembered the next morning, waking up sleepily to a beautiful sunrise. She would have stayed the night tonight, but work called and she had shackled herself to the desk for much longer than she initially anticipated.
"You should come here more often," Korra had said to her that morning, on the porch.
"What are you talking about? I'm here all the time! I have my own boat to ferry myself personally to the island," she had responded.
"No, not that. I mean here. On this bench. Isn't it nice right now?"
Asami recalled snuggling up to her, cooing in agreement.
"Sometimes, when I'm meditating, I'll have this image of you on this bench. I'm not there but I can feel you sitting there, and it helps me calm myself when I need to wind down."
Asami didn't say anything.
"Don't you ever just feel restless when you work? Like, you've been trying to convince a mountain to move itself out of the way and of course, it never moves, and after shouting and screaming and pleading, you're so worked up and you have nothing to show for it. I feel that way a lot when I deal with Raiko or the council at these meetings. But recently I've started coming out to this bench when I come home feeling like that, and it helps me. I feel like I'm breathing easier out here. Maybe it's the view, or the smell of incense or the feeling you get when you look out and see something as vast and as delicate as a city, but it helps me."
Korra had said those words that morning. Now, Asami would listen to them. The door swung closed and the rumbling of an engine broke the stillness of the rain.
Korra noticed, too, when her meditation was broken by the sound, first a faint buzzing, then finally a tumbling coughing below the island. She knew the sound all too well, and soon she heard footsteps pacing up the walkway, then into the building, then down the hall, and finally outside of her door. She airbent the door open to find Asami, standing there, one hand holding a picnic basket, the other raised ready to knock.
"Want to come out to the bench with me? I think I need some air," Asami said.
Muscle memory dictated the next few motions. Heat the water, pour the leaves, pour the water, carry the cups, walk to the patio, sit on the bench, share the tea, feel the warmth. Korra took a minute to waterbend the falling rain, now more solid in its texture and definition, more confident as it splattered off the roofing above the two women drinking from steaming cups of humble drink. She played with it, bending shapes and shimmers, pushing and pulling weightlessly.
"Waterbending, at its fundamental core, is simply a push and pull," she said.
Asami sipped her tea. "Like the tides of the ocean being pulled by the moon."
"Exactly. Once you can get a feel for that, the rest follows. It...flows, I guess. Like a river."
Asami continued to drink, the familiar taste of green Jasmine leaves paired with an aftertone of ginger. She smiled with satisfaction. "Is this a new tea?"
"Kind of. Pema made it herself actually. It's Jasmine tea with a little ginger root. I helped dry out the ginger. It goes a lot faster with firebending. I thought we'd try something new."
Asami hummed in agreement.
"So, what brings you out here tonight? And what's with the basket?"
"I took your advice from last week," Asami said. "I hit a wall on the latest contract. I couldn't get any center of mass calculations to work correctly with the constraints the city gave me for...well basically, I couldn't set up my math problems right, and I thought about what you said. About moving mountains and feeling stuck, and coming out here as a way to wind down. So I thought I'd try it."
Korra, drinking her tea, pointed to the basket.
"Oh! Right. I wanted to surprise you on Sunday but work got in the way. And I saw it in my kitchen and thought, might as well do it now," she picked up the basket and opened it up. She pulled out two plums, a small loaf of semi-stale bread, and a rather large cookie, gift wrapped in clear plastic, with Korra's face cartoonishly frosted in. "It's not much. I just thought it would be nice to have a little snack with you. I wanted to catch you when you were working on building all of that new housing last weekend."
Korra beamed at the gesture, small as it was. "Did you-"
"No, I went to a baker for the cookie. I can't make stuff like this."
"Ah," Korra said with understanding. She took the baked treat and broke it in half, handing one to Asami. She obliged, and the two ate their shares. Korra took large, chunky bites, while Asami broke off smaller pieces with one hand and ate them slowly.
Over plums, Asami sighed contentedly. "You were right about this place. I'm glad I came here."
"Does that mean you're going to stay the night, then?"
Asami shook her head. "I do need to finish that design, or at least break through this last wall. I think I can do it, I just needed some time to clear my head."
Korra appeared disappointed, but remained understanding. The two simply ate the rest of the food in the basket, sharing a quiet moment. It was a much needed moment of respite, until Asami brought up something she noticed upon arriving at the island.
"I saw there are a lot of packs prepped outside in the quad. Are people leaving soon?" she said.
"Actually, I guess that's something I should tell you, since you're here," Korra said. "Tenzin told me that Jinora is going to lead the airbenders on a pilgrimage to the air temples."
"Wow, that's great! I guess now's a pretty good time, now that things have settled down a bit in the city."
"Yeah, I'm actually really impressed Tenzin is letting Jinora take care of it on her own."
Asami laughed softly, imagining a nervous Tenzin pacing awkwardly as Jinora and Kai ventured off unsupervised to distant lands. "That must have been a tough decision for him," she said. "Did he ask for you to go?"
"Yeah, he did ask," Korra said.
"That's so great! No one ever asks me to fly off to air temples. When are you going to head out?" Asami looked over, and saw the hesitation in Korra's expression. "Why do I get the feeling you turned him down," she said.
Korra took a deep breath. "I don't know. They're actually leaving in a couple of days. I don't think it's a good time for me. I mean, I still have all of these responsibilities and meetings..." her voice trailed off.
"Okay, none of those are so urgent that you can't be around for a little bit, right? The city will be standing when you get back," Asami said. She moved closer to Korra, as she got the feeling there was more to her thoughts than she was letting on.
"Well, maybe you're right about that," Korra said.
"So what's the problem then? You should go, I'm sure it will be a good experience."
"Maybe another time, I think," Korra said. Her eyes shifted to her feet.
"Come on, Korra. How many chances are you going to have to do this with all of the Airbenders. You're being invited, you should be leaping at the chance. What's going on? I know exactly how much you enjoy these council meetings."
"I know, it's true, I guess I just...don't feel like it's a good idea, is all. I mean, I've been away so much already,"
"That's not a good excuse, Korra. You made up for all of that by stopping, what did Varrick call it, a giant smashing machine? Besides, no one is really going to criticize you, you're the Avatar! You know, flying around and doing stuff all over the world is kind of number one on the job description."
Korra didn't respond. Asami tried to process what could be holding Korra up from this chance. While it could be possible to go again, there was no doubt in her mind that Tenzin and the Air Nation must have had a unique opportunity now for a trip out, and it would be foolish to reject it. Truth be told, she felt a twinge of jealousy when Korra told her about the invitation. After venturing into the spirit portal for the first time, something non-benders didn't get to do very often, she realized that some things would forever be harder for her to access. Then she realized something.
"Wait, you said they're leaving in a couple of days? There's no way they only just invited you. Tenzin and Jinora have probably been planning for weeks. How long have you actually known?"
Korra paused. "...they actually invited me a couple of weeks ago."
Asami looked sternly at Korra. "You should have told me sooner, and you should be going on that trip. What's really going on here?" Asami kept thinking on any possible reasons Korra might feel so hesitant.
"I don't see what the big deal is, really."
"No offense Korra, but that's a terrible lie. Clearly something is going on here." Korra looked back down to her feet, heaving a big sigh.
"Korra, is this because we went on our vacation?" Asami said after a long silence, trying to sound comforting and not interrogative.
"No, it's not that...I don't know, it's Avatar stuff, I don't know if you'd understand-"
Asami doubled down, putting her arm around a struggling Korra, "Hey, come on, everything you do is Avatar stuff to me and that's never stopped me from caring. You can talk to me about this. I'm here for you and I'll do my best to help you." Asami squeezed with her arm, drawing Korra closer.
"I-it's just that...ugh, it feels so stupid when I say it out loud," Korra said.
Asami said nothing, giving Korra room to let her thoughts trickle out. She simply turned and looked straight into her eyes. Korra couldn't resist any longer, knowing there was no way out. She had put off telling Asami about this for as long as possible for this exact reason. Deep down, she did want Asami's guidance, but was scared to admit it, not because she didn't trust her, but because saying what was troubling her, expressing out loud why she had, in the days leading up to the departure for the trip, spent a lot more time meditating at night, was an admittance of the reality of the problem.
"You know this, Asami, but I can't connect to my past lives anymore," Korra finally said.
Asami said nothing. Instead she held onto Korra, anchoring her down, giving her a place to stand while she pulled out the difficult words she had been holding in.
"In the Southern Air Temple, there's this room. And inside the room are all of these statues. They spiral around and around, go up the walls even. All of those are me. My past lives. The ones I will never speak to again."
"I guess I just don't want to face those statues. I feel like if I see them, I'll lose myself. I'll believe that I'm a failure, again. If I see all of those connections that I've severed, all of these inspirational and strong people that future Avatars might need to talk to, and think about how I stupidly lost all of that..."
"And I know it's not even rational! I mean, I'm a more humble, more knowledgable person than I was back then, but I did a good thing! I can admit that, right? I made some tough decisions and I've worked all of these years to guide the world to a better place, and I've seen so much bad stuff and I've literally almost died, and I'm getting all worked up about a bunch of statues!" she said, throwing her arms in the air with exasperation.
"But I can't escape it. I just get this feeling, this fear of myself, that if I see what I've lost, really see what I'll never have again, it'll be too real. It won't be something I can just rationalize away, or hide behind whatever work I have here and now. It's like I had the only copy of a series of ancient books, and then I threw out all but the last page, where I scribbled my name down. That's all that's left. And it kills me to think that someone someday is going to need someone for help and all they'll have, instead, is me. Just me."
Now that she started, she found she couldn't stop, like water flowing from a spout.
"And what if I'm not enough, you know? You've read the stories. Avatar Kyoshi made an entire island to spite a tyrant. A whole island! Maps that people drew of the land before that were made incorrect because of one person! There's probably a whole world of knowledge and experience that she had, that could be exactly what some future Avatar needs, but instead, they're just going to get me. They're just going to have an Avatar who was manipulated by others, who was too headstrong to see her own mistakes until it was almost too late, who didn't and still doesn't know how to really talk to the press or deal with world leaders, who's struggling, even now, to-"
Korra finally collapsed from the pressure, the weight of all of her doubts crushing what little composure she had remaining, and she buried her face into the crook of Asami's arm, which still tenderly held her together as she splintered herself into pieces. She quietly wept, her shaking tears the murmurs of the darkness that, once again, was poisoning her.
Asami stroked Korra's head, letting her cry out the tension and the sadness that had been welling up unbeknownst to her. Finally, she pulled Korra up.
"I want to say something," she said, once again Looking at Korra's eyes.
Korra nodded silently, waiting for the help she knew, with certainty now, she needed.
"First, I want to say that no one, no one in the whole city or the whole world, thinks of you so lowly. You aren't 'just Korra' to anyone. You're a savior of the city, of the Earth Kingdom, of the entire Air Bender nation. You're also headstrong, and brash, and a little impulsive sometimes. And future Avatars will be lucky to be able to ask you about whatever it is that troubles the world when they live, because you've seen it all. You're the Avatar for a new age, of machines and metal benders and political upheaval. You've had to deal with the true face of the Spirit world, which most people waved off as unimportant or ineffectual before Harmonic Convergence. And you faced all of that as a flawed person, growing and learning on the way. You know about Kyoshi, but you also know about Kuruk. Not all Avatars meet their destiny so strongly."
"Secondly, people die." Asami squeezed Korra when she said this. "What I mean by this is, for most of us, when we lose someone, that's all there is to it. You can find the photos and the letters and the memories, but at the end of the day, that's all you really have, and you have to learn to accept that and find ways to continue. If you're strong, you can even find ways to bring that person back to life, in a way, with what you do. I don't want to trivialize what you're going through, Korra, but in a sense, you're just a little bit more like a normal person now. A normal person who has to lose people, and watch them phase out of your life, and still love them and wish for them all the same. I guess in some sense, it's really fortunate to be the Avatar because your spirit lives on as guidance for those that come after you, but now, I guess you've lost those people, and that's okay. It may not feel like it, but it is, because it has to be. The world keeps turning, the sun still rises, people still need your help."
Asami stopped for a moment to collect herself. Memories of her parents and their deaths came back like a rising tide, but she was ready to pull herself through the pull of their currents if it meant helping Korra heal and understand.
"Korra, when my mom died, I eventually came to a realization. At first, I was just angry and hurt, because it didn't seem fair. It wasn't fair, how she went. But something I learned because I lost her is that dying isn't a separate experience. You don't live and then die. Death is something everyone is carrying inside of themselves their entire life, and when the time comes, it reveals itself and takes the place of the living part that was once there. It's in everyone, at all times, this thing, and it's as much a part of who we are, as living beings on this land, as the way we breath or the way we cry or the way we love."
"The only exception, I guess, is the Avatar. You are blessed with this power to cheat death, in a way, to cycle back into the world because the world needs you, will always need a shepherd to lead it towards peace and balance. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that losing your past lives is a lot like losing a parent, or a friend, or anyone else, really. This hurt and worry and doubt you're feeling is something you have to feel when you lose anyone. It makes you less like an Avatar and more like an average person, like me, and...well, that's not so bad, right? So don't be scared of this feeling. Run towards your grief and your loss because it's a part of you. Once you learn to accept its reality, you can work on building yourself back up, a stronger and wiser person, where you can accept this part of your life."
"Finally, I think, now even more so, you need to see this room. You need to see these statues, to make peace with yourself and with your feelings and with your past lives. I think it will help you understand yourself, your role as the Avatar, and your history if you do."
Korra hugged Asami close. She shivered. The rain had subsided in the time of their conversation, and the silence was peppered with a dripping of the last of the water from the roof.
"Asami," Korra said weakly. "If I go on this trip, will you come with me?"
Asami smiled. "Of course. I'll always be there when you need me, Korra."
"Will you stay over tonight?"
Asami sighed with a smile. "I suppose I can-"
She was cut off by Korra, who pulled in for a kiss. Both felt release and comfort in the act, and when it finally ended, the two pulled away, glowing and renewed with their love for the other. Before them, the water of the bay stretched out and the glisten of fresh rain and starlight brought light to their hearts. For Asami, she felt the brightness of helping a friend in need, of nurturing and acting on the feelings she so strongly had for this Avatar before her. For Korra, she felt the tendrils of doubt and hurt give way to something more whole and uplifting. She wasn't done wrestling with these feelings, but she knew now she had a foothold, a place for her to root herself and draw strength. Maybe it was the water, or the twinkle of starlight, or, perhaps, the feeling one has when looking into the eyes of another person and seeing something as vast and as delicate as love, but, whatever it was, it helped her.