Chapter 2:No More Tears (Anita Baker)

So even though, I had just lost my wife, she tried her hardest to still fill the role as my best friend.

Frankly, I wasn't sure I wanted that...wanted her.

Normally when a person experiences a break up, they take time to themselves and try to cope with the pain of it all. I was in rehab…I was forced to process my feelings in therapy.

Frankly, I wished that I had realized that it would be so helpful.

It would have saved me millions of tears over the years.

It hurt inside and I was still crying myself to sleep but the tears slowly dried up.

Two weeks went by before I was allowed outside contact again, partially at my request.

Brittany hadn't stayed very long that day and so the moment that she left, I had walked straight to my room and threw myself across my bed. I cried for almost two hours without being interrupted but then my roommate told my therapist and I was hauled into his office.

I was angry and hurt that day because I couldn't just wallow in my own self-pity but after it was over and I was back in my room, I felt a million times better.

Dr. Clover told me that I had made a very brave decision in cutting my marriage loose. I had been working through all the emotional issues that dated back to Marco and Noah when I was just a kid.

Those meetings made me see something that shocked the hell out of me.

My marriage to Brittany had done more psychological damage to me than my marriage to Marco because I was actually in love with her.

Now and probably forever.

"So tell me how you are feeling today Santana?"

"Well...it's my birthday. So I'm trying to stay upbeat."

"Happy Birthday. You're twenty today, correct?"

"Yes. Hard to believe right?"

"I've seen a lot in my thirty years in this job and I have to say you are definitely on the list of things that shock me."

"Gee...thanks?"

"It takes a lot to shock me so you should take that as a compliment!"

"Thanks."

"So...it's been two weeks since you saw Brittany."

"Twelve days."

"And you have been out of contact with everyone...did you want to call anyone today?"

"No. Honestly, I'd like to spend today just reflecting on my life. I'm officially not a teenager anymore and in nine days...I will be leaving here as an adult. I can't burden my network." I said as I picked with the gunk under my fingernail.

"Burden?"

"With me and Britt. I think that I have burdened them enough...I mean I was in a coma for months because of Brittany and my family was constantly forced to be by my side. I'm ready to take control of my life, my sober life."

"How do you plan to do that? How serious are you about moving back to Ohio?"

"Going back to Lima plays a big part in my recovery. I'm just stagnant in New York. I came here to go to school and I'm not doing that. I'm just here. I just want to go back to the start and try and live my life the way I want to. I'm realizing that Columbia was my parents dream and being a lawyer was just to get my mom's attention. I know that I have that now, if I need it. I want to give Isaac and Daniela a more peaceful environment. Even if it's just for a little while. That's why I'm just going for the summer and then I will decide from there where I go."

"You've thought this through, I see."

"Well...I have definitely learned to process my feelings like a civilized human being. I'm proud of that because now I can teach that to my kids. They are my purpose in life."

"Do you think that you can handle that?"

"I have to try. I'm going to attend N.A. and stay clean. I am going to be staying with my old high school cheer coach...so trust me...I will have no choice but to handle things."

"Is she strict?"

"She makes you look like Elmo."

He let out a huge, hearty laugh and slapped his hands down on this desktop.

"That's...that's funny!"

"Sue Sylvester is nothing to play around with...plus Ian has a little sister and Sue adopted her...so my kids will get to form a relationship with their aunt...so it's going to be good all the way around."

"That sounds promising."

"I hope so."

"So...I know that being in rehab on your birthday probably really sucks...but we will be having cake and ice cream at lunch. So what are your favorites?"

"You don't have to do that." I was surprised that he was allowing this. I hadn't had sweets in months.

"It's another year that God has blessed you with and you are bringing it in sober...that's a great reason to celebrate!"

"Okay...fine."

"Good! So tell me."

"I love chocolate cake and cherry vanilla ice cream." I said with a huge smile on my face.

"Then that is what we shall have!"

"Wanky." I winked. "I'm going to head to mass...and I guess I'll see you at lunch?" I asked.

"Definitely!"

Day 111

June 18th, 2013

Hey Henry!

I'm 20 today and up until therapy this morning...I was kind of bummed about it but now I think I'm feeling settled. I haven't spoken to anyone since Britt and I broke up. I know that I need to sometime this week because I need to figure out how I'm getting home...I just don't want to do it today.

Today is about embracing my adulthood, clearheaded and with goals in mind.

I am free of Marco.

I am free of drugs.

I am free of policing Britt.

About Britt...I'm hoping that someday we can work things out and find some common ground. I think we both need this opportunity to walk away while we are still friends. We both need to grow up and we can't do that if we are in the other's way. I love her with all of my heart and I know that she is the woman that I am going to grow old with but sometimes that means stepping back and hoping beyond all hope that we can find each other again.

The lunch alarm is going off...I'll see you soon.

Love you!

Santana

It was just after noon when I walked down the hall towards the cafeteria.

I had been born at exactly noon so now it was completely official. My heart felt full and I felt peaceful.

I had a good feeling about where I was headed and I had a secret hope that things would all work out.

Our day will come, right?

I pushed open the door to the cafeteria and froze.

"Mami!"

I dropped to my knees when my son came toddling over to me.

This was the best surprise in the world!

The whole world disappeared as I held my arms open for my little boy who was already 14 months old.

He began running and my heart started racing because I didn't want him to fall but he seemed pretty confident so I waited with a huge smile on my face.

The moment that I held Isaac to my chest, I squeezed him so tight.

"Hi, Papa." I whispered as I kissed his face.

"More Besos, Mami." he smiled as he gave me his cheek.

I stood to my feet and spun him around while kissing his face a dozen more times.

"Wee!" he screamed.

I heard a baby laugh and I stopped in my tracks as I looked over Isaac's shoulder.

There stood my mother holding Daniela.

She was five months old now.

Mami had pulled her even blonder hair into a little ponytail on top of her head.

She was gorgeous.

I walked over to my mother and dropped a kiss on her face.

"Bendicion, Mami! Thank you so much for this." I said as I stepped back and looked at her.

"I had to see my baby on her birthday and you had to see your babies on your birthday...so here we are." she smiled and then nodded her head towards the door behind me.

I spun around and there were my sisters, Ari, Puck and Quinn.

Brittany was noticeably missing from the entourage but I quickly brushed that off my shoulder once I was enveloped in hugs and kisses.

This was the best birthday ever!

"So San, are you excited to be coming home soon?" I spoon fed Isaac ice cream and was wrapped up in his expressions of delight and how he cocked his eyebrow at me when I looked away from him for too long.

"Kind of." I said honestly as I looked at Quinn, who had thankfully gone back to blonde.

We were sitting in the now empty cafeteria, just me and my network.

"What do you mean, TT?" Puck said as he nudged my shoulder.

"I know that things will be different and it scares me a bit. I want to leave New York as soon as possible." I admitted.

"How can we help?" That was Sandra but from what I could see, they were all eager to make this transition easier for me.

"Well...if I'm honest...I don't...I don't want to go back to that house."

"No problem. I'll pack your stuff for you and when we pick you up next week, we will just take you to Sandra's since you have to stay in the state for another week." Celia said.

"Are you sure...is that okay, Sandra?" I asked. Isaac grunted and I looked back down at him and choked back a laugh when I saw his glare. "Sorry, Papa." I said as I gave him the last spoon of ice cream.

"The kids are already at my house anyway, it will just be easier on you and the kids...it will be a lot to move them back to the city only to put them on a plane and move to Lima."

"You're right...okay. Thanks then."

We talked a bit more about what time I would need to be picked up and what stuff I wanted to take with me back to Lima and then my mom tried to convince me to come stay with her but I won the argument when I told her that I already committed to staying with Sue and that it would be too hard seeing my godfather walking around my father's house.

I was exhausted by the time that everyone geared up to leave. I kissed my sisters and my mother goodbye but was surprised that Quinn, Puck and the kids weren't moving.

"Your doctor said we could stay until the end of the day. Is that okay...we can still leave if you want." Nono said as he stood to his feet with Isaac in his arms.

"No it's fine...I just, I'm surprised."

Once everyone else had left, we walked down to the riverbank and sat at a picnic table. Daniela began to do that tired/hungry cry that hadn't changed and Quinn immediately handed her to me.

"She's still drinking your breast milk...do you want to...you know?"

I looked over at her in shock...but nodded hurriedly as I took my baby into my arms.

She looked up at me with wet eyes and I melted. Her eyes were so stormy that the blue was almost black.

I unbuttoned my top and helped her to latch on.

That moment when I was able to feed her was honestly one of the top highlights of my birthday.

It was magick.

It was quiet a little while after that as Isaac and Noah walked down by the edge of the water and left me alone with Quinn.

She was zoning out at the water, wrapped in her own thoughts.

"Talk to me, Q."

"I'm not sure what to say, actually."

"Are you and my sister back together?" I asked as I looked down at my baby. Her eyes were drifting closed but then she would open them back up and try and watch me.

"No. We tried but we agreed that this was it for us. She's already moved on...and so have I." I looked over at her in shock.

"You have?"

"Yea. I'm back with Rachel...she got out of rehab a few months back and she's back to being the determined pain in the ass she was back in school. We are going strong and she is working on getting back into NYADA...in the mean time...she's working as a singing waitress downtown."

"You're kidding?" I smirked as I thought of how annoyed she must make her customers.

"Yea...she loves it and they love her."

"Wow...well...congratulations."

"Yea...we are taking it slow. I'm living in my dorm at Columbia and she's living with this annoying little twat...Dionne."

"As in-" I looked at her in disbelief.

"She told you about Dionne?" This was the first time anyone had made mention of Brittany.

"Yea."

"So you know about Grady then?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"What do you mean?"

"That I already knew about it."

"How? I mean, they just happened."

"Actually...they have been dating for months. She told me when she visited two weeks ago."

"Shit." Quinn muttered. "That's so...wrong."

"Stop, Q. Just leave it. I broke up with her."

"You did? I thought...I thought it was mutual?"

"No...it was me. I decided we needed to end things while we were still friends."

"Wow."

"Yea...I'm over it. I just want to focus on the kids." I said as I shifted Daniela to my other boob.

"Well, I'm glad. They need you. Especially with Britt being so distant from them."

"What do you mean?"

"Celia was telling me that Britt hasn't seen the kids since she came back from seeing you. She hasn't talked to anyone in the family. The only reason we know at all is because Grady told Ari. Britt hasn't spoken to me since the day you started rehab so, of course I was the last to know. We invited her today though...but she already had plans to go sailing with Grady."

"Oh...well good for her, I guess...she won't have that rough a time when I take the kids to Lima."

"Yea, I guess not."

"So what are you doing now that school is out?"

"Going home. I'm staying with the Berry's since Judy sold off her house and moved to LA with my sister. I don't really have a reason to stick around New York."

"So I guess we can do our spa day back at home then?"

"Definitely."

"When are you leaving?"

"We are driving...heading out tonight and we are just going to drive all night until we get there."

"Wow!"

"Yea...cheaper than a plane ticket."

"Oh...well I guess you're right."

"I was wondering...do you think that I could take Izzy with me? Puck and Beth are coming too so he would be good company for her."

"Um...I don't know...that's a long time...I mean I won't be there for another two weeks."

"I know...it's crazy...never mind then."

"Have you talked to Sandra about it?"

"She said that it's up to you."

"Will you be okay with him for two weeks?"

"Of course...I'll be just fine! Besides this way...you will only have to worry about one baby on the plane."

"Okay...just...stay in contact with Sandra...please? And take care of him."

"I will. I'll protect him with my life."

"Okay. Take plenty of pictures and...have fun for me."

Day 120

June 27th, 2013

This is it Henry!

In just one hour, I'm being picked up by Sandra and driven straight to the court house to have my ankle monitor retuned. Then I'm off to Westchester to live out my one week probation period. I have decided to take you along for my journey and when you are full...I will just add more pages!

I'm really excited to get on that plane to Lima in a week! As you know...I still haven't heard from Britt and even though I have stopped crying myself to sleep over it...it still hurts.

But I'm stronger than this. I'm going to use this opportunity to see what's out there for me.

I still have my family and that's what's really important.

Isaac is already waiting for me in Lima, Daniela is safely with Sandra and Johnny and Mami is on her way down the aisle in one month's time.

See...I have plenty of things to keep me distracted from Britt...the 600+ miles will definitely help as well.

The next time you see me...it will be as a free...well semi-free woman!

See you in Westchester!

Santana

"So how does it feel, Ana?" Johnny asked from the front seat as I fed the baby.

"Amazing. I actually missed the city."

"Have you heard from her?" Sandra asked cutting through the bullshit. I have to hand it to her though, she waited through the drive to the courthouse, the hour we spent there, until we were about to get on the highway to her house.

"No. Not a peep. Have you?"

"Yea...I did...a few days ago. She swore to me that she would check in on you. I can't believe that she lied to me."

"It's okay, Sandra. It's no problem. Just let her do her thing. I don't want to interfere. I was always okay with being a single mom...she begged me to be their second parent. If she feels like she doesn't want that anymore...it's fine. They're not hers anyway." I whispered as I ran my fingers through Daniela's curls.

"Bullshit." Sandra spat. "She is their mother. You don't just decide one day that you don't want your kids. She hasn't seen Daniela...she was shocked when I told her that Izzy was in Lima. She didn't even seem to care."

"Can we...just not talk about her? I can make it on my own. I'm plenty capable. End of story."

The conversation should have died right there but Sandra had other plans and Johnny was too fucking scared of her to step in.

She pulled the car over into a parking lot. At first I didn't realize where I was but then I recognized the warehouse.

"You need to talk to her, Ana. That ankle bracelet doesn't activate for another hour. You can't go off to Lima without at least trying to talk to her."

"Are you serious, why? She moved on. I want to move on!"

"You have children, Santana. Biological or not...you need to hold her accountable."

She had a point, I couldn't argue with that.

"Fine...but you need to stay here...Johnny don't you dare let her come in that building...she is just going to make shit worse."

Moments like this, I am so glad that Sandra knew my fashion sense because despite my fucked up nails, I looked pretty damned good.

I had on some strappy sandals and nice jeans and a strappy shirt. My hair was out and looking shiny. I knew that Britt would take one look at me and want me. She couldn't resist me when I wore little to no makeup.

I strapped the carrier onto my torso and then put Daniela into it. She was asleep since I just finished feeding her so I put a light blanket over her.

I didn't look back towards the car as I made my way across the gravel with my baby.

For a moment I had thought that I should just leave the baby in the car...but I needed Britt to have that visual of me and our baby.

I had to play the only cards that I had.

Here goes nothing!

When I opened the door to the theater, a Jeremih song was blasting through the speakers, they were mid rehearsal so I slid into one of the back seats and watched as Britt and Tony sat at the middle table while Ari and my replacement danced across the stage.

It wasn't until I actually saw his face that I felt the burning jealousy in the pit of my stomach.

They say a baby can sense your tension and I totally think that they are right.

Daniela began to whine and so I fished in my pocket for her pacifier.

I had left it in the car.

Her cries were getting louder.

Fuck.

"You are so not helping right now, little girl." I muttered as I stood to my feet and tried bouncing her but she was just getting started apparently because now she was wailing.

"Santana!" I turned around to see Brittany storming my way with an angry expression. She looked super pissed. I tried not to care but I hated seeing her so upset.

By the time that Britt had gotten to me, I had Daniela out of the carrier and was soothing her in my arms.

"I'm sorry, Britt Britt. She was sleeping and-"

Britt wrapped a hand around my arm and brought her face really close to mine.

"Why are you here?" she growled.

"Let go of my arm, Brittany...we are not going back to that kind of relationship."

"Relationship? What relationship? We have no relationship!" she was yelling in my face now.

I tried to step back but she gripped my arm tighter.

"Let go of her Brittany!" That was Ari.

"Baby, let her go." That was what's his name...calling my wife...my Brittany his baby.

Brittany didn't let go.

"You need to leave."

"I just wanted to talk to you B." I said evenly.

"Not here. I'm working."

"Then when?"

"Frankly, I don't give a shit. Just...take her and go."

"Her? She's your daughter, Brittany! You can deny me but you won't deny the kids. You wanted them."

"I had no choice!" She screamed in my face.

"You don't mean that!" I felt the tears behind my eyes but I wouldn't cry in front of her. She had lost that privilege.

"Grady...you may want to get your girlfriend." Ari spat out in anger. "I don't give a fuck if she saved my life."

"Britt let her go...come on...lets go cool off." He wrapped his arms around her waist and lifter her clear off the ground and carried her in the opposite direction.

Daniela had stopped crying and was looking around with tears in her eyes.

"Are you ok, Anita?" Ari said as she tried to pry the baby from my arms.

"No...I just...I didn't...she just denied her own kids." I whispered as I handed the baby off to Ari.

"I don't think she meant it, Anita. She's just having a bad day. Don't look at me like that! She's been a fucking Nazi all freaking day. She has pictures of the kids all over her office. She talks about them all the time. She just doesn't feel comfortable surrounded by your family...not anymore. Do you blame her?"

"I get it...but to deny them...that..." I slid into one of the seats and rested my head in my palms. "I just wanted her to be able to see the baby before I left for Lima."

"I totally get it. Maybe coming here like this, was just a bad idea."

"Tell that to Sandra...it was her idea...not mine."

"Is she outside?"

"Yea."

"Let me walk you out...okay?"

"Yea."

Dealing with that kind of blow was something that I didn't think I would have been able to handle before rehab.

The week that followed was filled with me, in constant contact with my network, even Sue. I buried myself in books and spent all day with my baby. After the first night of crying myself to sleep, I asked Celia to sleep in the bed. With her there I quickly stopped crying about it. She served as an amazing distraction by telling me all about her new girlfriend Maggie.

She seemed so happy now, almost carefree and less angry.

Apparently her and Quinn were still talking everyday but it was as friends and they liked it that way.

We never talked about Brittany and I was happy about it because the new bruise on my arm was enough of a reminder of how much pain I was in.

Things were going to be different from here on out.

I was going to be okay.

I had faith that we would fix this rift between us even if we didn't end up together.

Nobody understood Brittany like I did, she would come back to me.

Our friendship was solid...even if it was buried under a mountain of shit at the moment.

We loved each other, so I wouldn't cry over her.

Over this.

For now, I needed to stay focused and sober, nothing would distract me from my purpose.

Not even Brittany.

A/N: There will be a happy ending! I super-duper promise! I'm just a sadist! ;)

Review and tell me what you like...love you guys...and an amazing special shout out to my beta!

You know who you are! :)