Soliloquy
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
A/N: I've been writing this in Hoshi's POV. But when I read it to edit it…it felt like BLEH. So I switched back to third person.
Chapter Two: An Abundance of Apples
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Hoshi had problems. Lots of problems. They were round, they were red, and they were nutritious. Hoshi had apples. I'm talking telephone numbers here—like dozens of bushels. Why? Because Hoshi didn't just have apples—he had an orchard. How did a con artist afford an orchard? Well, he didn't. This simple fact brings us to the root of Hoshi's real problem, which began roughly twenty one years ago.
In the quiet ninja village of Iwagakure, twenty one years, five months, four days, and four hours ago, a baby girl was born. Three years later, a baby boy was born. And as soon as he was old enough, he dearly regretted it. For you see, this boy was Hoshi. Hoshi was born a conniving little bastard. And the girl that was born before him, as you can probably guess, was his onee-chan. Ao Kaya was a righteous young woman, defender of good and defeater of evil doers.
As far as she was concerned, conning was evil-doing. So she had bought her little brother an orchard, asking him to tend it and raise the fruits to…um, fruition, hoping that it would inspire him to be an honest, hard working something-or-the-other.
So he had. So he did. And now what did he have? An entire orchard's worth of fruit sitting in his living room, merrily rotting away as he wondered what to do with them. Crates upon crates of apples in his home, just waiting to spoil and stink up the place and—
And be sold.
Hoshi slapped a hand to his forehead in awe of his own stupidity. Had he really been about to settle down on the straight track just because his sister had gotten him apples?
Hoshi had apples. Konohagakure had problems.
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"Step right up, step right up, get 'em here folks! The secret to glowing skin and eternal health! The fruit of Eden! The rubies of Iwagakure! All the way from my hometown, the amaaaaaaaaazing Apple Circus Show!!"
"What the hell are you yelling about now, Hoshi?" Kakashi asked irately, jumping down from a tree. The teen had a voice like a randy bullfrog, it carried places. A few others approached too, curious.
"And I thought your hometown was Sunagakure," Ino frowned.
The turquoise eyed male sighed as though a math teacher who's been informed by a two year old that two times two is in fact seven. "I came here from Sunagakure. My hometown is Iwagakure. Got it?"
"How'd that happen? How can you be of two ninja countries, surely it is forbidden for ninjas to change their nationalities," Shikamaru mused.
"Yeah, it is," Hoshi said meaningfully, "For ninjas. Now, about these apples—"
"You mean your parents weren't ninjas?" Kakashi asked, "How'd they die?"
The swindler made an irritated sort of noise. "They're not dead."
"Your parents are alive?"
"Why is that so shocking?"
"What do they do?" Ino fretted, "How do you live as a civilian, and raise a ninja?"
Hoshi made a jerky motion with his hands that suggested he would like to strangle his questioners right about now, but said with deceptive calmness, "I'm not a ninja either."
"No way!" Shikamaru gasped.
Kakashi whistled low. "You know, I'd wondered why you never went on missions."
"So what do your parents do?"
"What's it like being a civilian?"
"Do they still eat with chopsticks?"
Hoshi blinked. "Of course they eat with chopsticks, what's the matter with you? And how did this become an interview on my family history!?"
"Just answer the question!"
"My kaa-chan's a party planner, my oyaji is a baker. Satisfied, you harpies?"
"Any siblings?" Kakashi asked.
"One. Onee-chan."
"What's she doing, then?"
"She's married."
"That's not a profession," Ino scoffed.
"Trust me," Hoshi said darkly, "It is to her."
"Elaborate, fucker."
The con artist groaned inwardly. Telling them he wasn't a ninja had definitely taken down his respect levels a few notches. "She's been married four times so far. Every man she married has died under mysterious circumstances and left her a fortune. She's rolling in dough, so she has the time to be a philanthropist."
It was clear from the way he spat the last word out that he thought it was a sin on the level of murder and coveting another's wife.
"She killed them?"
"My sister, kill?" Hoshi laughed, "Yeah right. Nah, it's more like a curse. Or really smelly luck. I personally think they all rolled over one morning and caught sight of her face without make-up and just kicked the bucket."
There was a contemplative silence as everyone present contemplated the information that had just been divulged unto them. They contemplated and they contemplated until no one was even sure what they were contemplating, and then they contemplated that.
Ibiki strolled over curiously. "What's going on here?"
"Uh," Kakashi said, "I'm not sure. Shikamaru?"
"I don't remember," the Nara admitted.
"I think we were gossiping," Ino said vaguely.
Ibiki twitched. "Gossip? Gossip? Gossip? Real ninjas don't gossip!"
"You can keep saying that, but it won't stop being true," Hoshi remarked, "Anyway. About the apples—ta da!" he made a grand sort of flourish and gestured towards his apple crates, which were stacked to resemble a Turkish palace (y'know, with the onion domes and everything). The gathered members stared at the spectacle, and a single apple rolled away from its place, fell down a few yards and rolled to a stop at Ibiki's feet. The scarred interrogator picked it up and brushed off some dust specks from it.
"The amaaaaaaaaazing Apple Circus Show!" Hoshi declared, "Don't be too awed, folks!"
Kakashi rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Hoshi, those are apples."
"Exactly," the teen said with the air of someone presenting an undisputable argument.
"But…apples…?"
"These aren't just apples. These are magic apples. Like I said, they're from Iwagakure. Every crate is from one tree. You insert your signature chakra into one crate and voila! Your very own apple circus."
"Why would I want an apple circus?" Shikamaru frowned.
"Why wouldn't you want an apple circus?" Ino shot him a look that suggested he was worthy of the title 'King of Idiots'. "They're awesome, Hoshi! How much?"
"For the fair lady, only two hundred rhou. For the rest of you, three hundred."
"Hold on a second," Ibiki growled, "How do we know this shit actually works?"
Hoshi could have kicked his heels together and squealed. If you know, he was the type to do that. He wasn't, but he was still pretty gleeful. He made a big show out of picking out a random crate, on he'd coaxed Sai to paint for him to do his bidding.
"This jutsu only works every full moon, see," he explained, "I injected some of my chakra last fortnight. So tonight, when the moon rises, just insert some chakra, and then every time you touch an apple, the show comes to life!" he brushed a finger against one the fruit, and they all quivered and bounced out of the crate, piling onto each other to resemble a certain breasty Hokage.
The apple-Tsunade took a deep breath, and burst into song: "Oh, I am really special cause there's only one of me! Look at my smile, I'm so damn happy other people are jealous of me! When I'm sad and lonely I like to sing this song it cheers me up and shows me that I won't be sad for long (hey, hey, hey) I'm so happy, I can barely breath! Puppy dogs and sugar frogs and kittens' baby teeth—"
His audience, even the stony Ibiki fell about laughing, and more citizens wandered over to know what all the fuss was about. Hoshi grinned and began business.
And from the shadows, a pair of white eyes watched him carefully.
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"YOSH, youthfulness!" Lee enthused as he walked away with the last crate. Hoshi waved to him. "Nice doing business with ya, Lee!" he called, "You stupid sucker," he added.
He'd done well. Each and every crate was gone, and he had enough money to run away for at least a month. Hopefully, by that time Konohagakure would have forgotten this little…ah, mishap. If not…
There were always other ninja villages. Hoshi sighed happily, and began to walk back home.
"Excuse me—"
"Wauuuuugh!! MOMMY!! The Gila monster's back!!"
Hyuuga Hanabi blinked. "Civilian, please. I am not a Gila monster, whatever that may be. Do quiet down."
Hoshi surveyed the tiny little girl with the ivory eyes. "Hey," he said finally, "You look familiar. Have I conned you before? I don't give money back. What I do is not illegal! It's just frowned upon. You can't put me in jail, you know!"
Hanabi rolled her eyes. "Civilian, please. I'm not here to have you taken into custody, nor am I looking for a refund. I am here to propose to you an idea of stunning daring and great danger—"
"Not interested."
Hanabi frowned. "But it's a proposition you cannot turn down!"
"I heard danger, little girl. I'm not interested. And you know what? I don't like you."
Hanabi barred his way, glaring ferociously. "Fine then…Ao Hoshi, listen to me! I am to be the heir of the Hyuuga clan. My sister is thought useless by father, and my cousin is a Branch House member! I am next in line to sit on the Hyuuga throne—"
"Hyuuga has a throne?" the teen perked up, "Really? Is it gold—no! Hoshi! You promised the Zohan that you would not steal!"
The Hyuuga heiress gnashed her teeth. Which was quite a sight to see, really, because she really didn't look like a teeth-gnashing type. "Listen to me, and stop interrupting! I do not want this position. But I cannot abdicate; I would have no method by which to support myself—but the way you fooled the people of this village today thrilled me. It seems so easy! Surely, if I too could do this, I could abandon my clan! Take me as your apprentice, and I will make you a rich man."
Hoshi stuck a finger in his ear and twisted it around. "I don't see the profit in it for me."
"I just said I'd make you a rich man!"
"Oh. Well, in that case—" he waved his cash box at her, "It's already been taken care of. Thank you, but no thank you. Have a nice night, and die in hell."
"What happens when that money runs out?"
"I'll find some more."
"What happens when you get too old to swindle?"
Hoshi glared at the girl. "You're never too old to swindle."
"Suppose something should happen to you—who would carry on your noble work? Do you have a protégée? A child? Anyone?" Hanabi said.
"Ah-ah-ah," Hoshi waggled a finger at her, "Don't try that on me. I'm the master at this. You're not talking me into anything. I have no need to take on some punk of a kid. What am I, a baby-sitter? No! I'm a scallywag, a bloody bamboozler of the innocent!"
"I could alert the ANBU right now," she smirked, "And they'd have you in jail, crime or no crime. I'll tell them you were kidnapping me."
"And they'll believe you?"
"Will they take the word of a well known young member of the respected Hyuuga clan, or will they listen to a con artist tell them a little girl is lying?"
"You bitch," Hoshi said blankly.
"You're running away right now, aren't you? Take me with you. Give me a try. I learn fast."
With a sigh, the puce haired male relented. "Better get some money though. Like hell I'll be expected to support you."
"Hai, sensei," she smiled, and walked into the shadows to retrieve a duffel bag, "Where to, master?"
Sensei. Master.
Hoshi could get used to this sort of treatment.
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I find the idea of poker-faced little Hanabi conning people too appealing to turn down. Besides, making it all about Hoshi wasn't really my style. BTW, don't own the Happy Song (what apple-Tsunade sang) or 'You Don't Mess with the Zohan' (which is the new Adam Sandler movie. Disgusting, but funny)Yatta!