Puzzled, Marcus turned his head to fully face her. She did not look wicked at all, maybe he had misheard her previous words; he was beginning to question his senses. Abby looked just like she did normally, half of her hair up in an attempt to tame her mane, wearing a kind, yet stern facial expression, but most evident of all was the look of concern she bore in her eyes. Shifting slightly, Marcus sat up completely, and did not turn away from her.
"What business?", he asked, frowning slightly, involuntarily.
"You are here for a reason?", she retorted softly.
To Marcus, it felt like Abby's tone of voice contributed to the unreal feeling of the entire situation. It sounded just as soft and blurry as his vision was and Marcus felt strangely light-headed, like he was floating, just like he usually felt when he was asleep. Nevertheless, he could not recall ever having been in a state like this before and neither did he know how to exit, if doing that was at all possible.
"I have a fever", Marcus remembered, and promptly clapped his hand to his forehead in recognition.
"Truly", Abby said, smiling slightly, "A fever dream. How are you feeling?"
"Light headed, mainly. What do you suggest me to do, how do I get out of here?", Marcus felt a spark of hope at the thought that Abby might help him even in his hallucination, as she seemed to have recognised his circumstances.
Instead of answering straight away, Abby smiled silently to herself and looked down at her lap, where he was lying no longer. Raising her face again to take in his, she took her time once more.
"I'm afraid neither of us can do anything. It comes from the outside", Abby finally spoke, "Your salvation comes from the outside. Not from within this time, Marcus"
Marcus felt like his head was buzzing, Abby was talking in strange ways to him, ways too twisted for him to comprehend or untangle and recognise which path to take. He wondered whether this was in any connection to his struggles at camp, his struggles on the Ark a while ago; it was always assumed that all it took to free a mind from its burdens was to achieve forgiveness coming from the mind itself for its deeds and wrongs. This time, however, salvation seemed to mean something else entirely, it appeared to Marcus that he could not save himself this time like he had attempted to do many times before. This time, he needed not his own forgiveness, but that of somebody else.
Hours later, Abby woke up with a start. Blinking rapidly, she recognised her surroundings again and sighed when she remembered what she was there for. Looking up from her arms which she had slept on, she saw Marcus' body still lying motionless on the cot in the medical bay. He had not moved in the slightest and Abby let out a frustrated huff.
Still a little drowsy from the nap she had not intended to take, Abby positioned her right hand on his cheek and caressed his features with her thumb, tenderly, as if afraid he might be harmed if even the slightest amount of pressure was added. She was aware of Marcus being a grown man and an adult, but she could not help feeling for him when she thought about his past deeds and all that must plague his resting hours even now, perhaps even his waking hours were influenced, too, but that she did not know as he never let on about it. She also knew that everybody around had committed things that would better not be dwelled on too much, but it appeared to her that everybody around had somebody to run to, too, and not just themselves like Marcus.
Abby had internally promised herself to take better care of him once all the chaos around them had settled down, but sadly, such a time seemed nowhere near, her promise had gotten lost along the way. Of course he would take care of himself and mend on his own, but Abby was not sure of how capable of forgiving Marcus could be when it came to himself. She remembered the few times she had seen his defences crumble and shuddered. How ruined he really was she would never know. He would not tell her and he would not let anybody see, either, making it hard for outsiders to understand or let alone forgive him.
Shaking her head, Abby tore herself out of her thoughts and got up, pacing the room and pondering her options. She could wait for the remaining hours out of the twenty-four she had given him to come back to his senses, or she could get it over with now.
Thinking about the electricity she would send through his system, Abby felt shivers rock her being; she had been shock lashed before herself, ironically by him, and knew how excruciating the procedure was for the one subjected to it. Only reluctantly would she inflict any more harm upon Marcus than he was already in, than he already put himself through on his own accord.
She decided to wait, hoping Marcus would wake without any interference; anxiety rushed through her body like a foreign sensation and she racked her brain fervently, trying to find other methods to get him back from his hallucinations, but she found none.
Pacing the room some more, Abby tried not to think about Marcus dying, not to picture the consequences, the state it would leave her in. She could not lift the heavy weight of the responsibility for the entire Camp on her own and once again, for the umpteenth time lately, Abby felt helpless, like her hands were tied, and that on her back to make sure she really had not a single chance to help.
"I don't know what to do with this information", Marcus said honestly.
"Neither do I", Abby replied and the attempt at a delicate smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. "But I'm sure you can make sense of it yourself"
Shaking his head and even more so internally, Marcus pursed his lips and looked downwards. Whose forgiveness was it that he needed to seek? That of all of the Sky People? That was impossible, many of them had lost relatives in the Culling, which had been his pushing. The forgiveness of the kids? Again, he was not certain if he would be granted such a favour. He had simply done too many terrible things in his past to know how many people he could possibly ask to let him atone for his mishaps.
That was when it dawned on Marcus and rays of knowing made their way to his mind. He needed Abby. He had assumed this for a while, but Marcus had never wondered about what it was he needed Abby for. Many things, most things, he realised, mostly everything and anything. He could not manage by himself, that was the one great thing he had detected in all his time on the Ground and this insight had already begun to form in his head while they had still been on the Ark; he was not made to be alone, all loneliness led to with him was self-destruction and hatred.
He needed Abby and once he accepted it, his thoughts were blown aside like clouds on an initially sunny day and his mind was clear and clean. He needed her to make it through life safely, and he needed her to forgive him. Marcus defied the idea of needing something, let alone somebody, but it was different with Abby it seemed. She was the only person whose opinions and thoughts he cared about and who he wanted to care for, if there was one thing in the world he would guard with his life, it was be her.
"I know", he blurted out then, "I need you- you to forgive me"
Abby hesitated to answer yet again.
"I have forgiven you a long time ago", she said, "To be exact, I removed the thought of you being hateful and in turn worthy of hate when you came for the others, and for me, after the Exodus disaster. That was when I knew you had changed and you were worthy of being given a chance. I would have given you more than one chance after realising you were getting better, but that proved to be unnecessary, because you saw to not ruining it again. You have been forgiven a long time ago, Marcus"
Anything heavy fell from his being in that instant, it seemed he could breathe properly again. Marcus did not want to think about the strangeness of the entire dream, because it would only make him wonder about how he could possibly know about Abby's thoughts about him.
"Why am I not out of here again yet, then?", Marcus asked, slowly growing desperate.
She felt tears cloud her vision and immediately lifted her hands to rub them away before they could even make an appearance on her face. With a small sigh, Abby sat back down beside a motionless Marcus on the cot, and began to gently brush her fingers through his hair.
When Clarke came by at around noon to check on her mother, Abby brushed her off, not even turning to face her daughter. When Clarke refused to budge and asked if Abby was okay, the latter simply nodded and uttered a brave "I am, don't worry" to at least try to make it seem like the situation did not have as much of an impact on her as it did.
Abby knew that her daughter would not buy her answer, but she was also sure Clarke wouldn't push any further. Sure enough, she heard light steps distancing themselves from the medical tent shortly after.
"Marcus don't do this", Abby whispered, her voice on the edge of shattering, "This is the least adequate moment to take your leave, we need you"
When there was still no sign of life, she breathed, "I need you", hoping he would hear, even though Abby knew that this was a childish thing to hope for and that he could not perceive anything real in his state.
In spite of her best attempts not to cry, tears slid past her lashes and formed their paths down Abby's cheek, dropping on the cot and when she shifted slightly, onto Marcus' hand, too.
Looking around vigorously, Marcus could feel his mind cloud up again. Why was he not awake again? If this had not worked, would anything? Would he ever return again, given his failed attempt?
In a last plea for help, he eventually turned towards Abby again, only to see her outlines were blurring and she was stirring strangely, like the surface of water that was shaken by a stone thrown into its depths.
"What is going on?", Marcus panted frantically, throwing himself further into Abby's direction, grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her gently.
A distraught expression began to carve itself into Marcus' features and he sought her eyes in a last attempt to make her stay with him. When she looked aside, he noticed the rest of the world was shaking, too, including himself. Looking up, he saw the ceiling of the tent slowly dissipate and the sky that became visible was fading, too, resulting in nothing, and Marcus clung on to Abby more forcefully.
The last thing Marcus could perceive before slipping out of consciousness was Abby opening her mouth and beginning to hum the strange yet familiar melody again.
Abby had her back turned to Marcus when she heard him stir. At first, she refused to believe her senses and brushed it off as just another sign of her intensifying fatigue and a side effect of stress, but when the quiet noises would not stop, she turned around again slowly, hesitantly.
Her eyes grew wide and her lips parted a little when she saw Marcus' head turning towards her and his eyes looking into hers. Unable to move, Abby remained in her position for minutes until Marcus reached out his hand to try and touch hers.
When she came back to her senses and recovered from her shock, she instinctively moved her left hand up to his and let their entangled limbs rest on the cot, on the left side of Marcus' body. Shy at first, Abby lifted her gaze to Marcus' face after having stared at their hands for a suspicious amount of time. Her breathing came out in rapid gasps and she had to fight to control her heart rate and tried her best not to let the sudden rush of warmth spread to her cheeks. A relieved and for the first time in months effortless smile conquered Abby's face and spread to her eyes instantaneously.
As if feeling his gaze was too intense for Abby to stand without blushing, Marcus shifted his head and glimpsed towards their entangled fingers and began to gently caress hers. He heard her breathe in sharply and moved to look at her again.
"Am I back again?", he asked jokingly, chuckling lightly.
"You scared me to death", Abby breathed heavily and added in a more matter-of-fact tone, "Don't you ever dare to do that again"
"Do that to whom?", Marcus asked, knowing she was including herself but also being aware that she would not admit it, "I doubt the Camp would have grieved much had I died"
Abby looked at him incredulously.
"Don't say that again, Marcus", Abby uttered exasperatedly, "Of course there would have been an uproar, of course people would have grieved. You matter to them" Matter to me, she added in her mind.
"Whatever, I'm apparently here again", Marcus stated more soberly, sitting up and attempting to swing his legs over the edge of the cot to get up.
Abby, however, moved to stop his actions quickly and pushed him back down onto the cot.
"You still need to rest, like it or not", she said, trying to sound stern even though she could not withhold a hint of relief and another, more profound feeling.
"Abby", Marcus started, giving in to her ministrations and lying down, "I dreamed something while I was gone"
"That's quite common with fevers", Abby replied, brushing dust off her trousers and sitting back down beside Marcus again, "It happens to a lot of people"
"I dreamt about you", he stated, for the first time not afraid to look into her eyes when uttering a sentence thick with feeling.
She looked up immediately, startled by his confession, and searched his face for any signs of betrayal and joke, ending up with empty hands as she found none. A warm feeling settled in her gut and this time she could not stop herself from blushing.
"What was it about?", she asked, trying not to put too much of the rush of feelings currently flooding her body into her voice.
"I could only come back if I was forgiven and received salvation", Marcus hesitated, "You told me you forgave me. After the Exodus disaster, I mean. Why?"
"Marcus, I-", Abby breathed quickly and looked aside to collect herself, "That's true, I have forgiven you a long time ago. I couldn't not do it when it was so obvious you were struggling and regretting your choices and you wanted to get better. Sentiment does not equal weakness, you know? I was, am, certain you deserve forgiveness, and you do. But Marcus, what I mean is that it's time for you to forgive yourself, too. Inner forgiveness is needed, too, not just that of others. I can't stand to see you hate yourself any longer, I don't want to see you punish yourself a hundred times for the same mistake and call that justice, I can't bear to see you sacrifice yourself and volunteer for every suicide mission, because someday you won't come back and I don't know if and how I could handle all of this", she gestured around wildly, completely losing herself in emotion, "On my own"
A long silence unfolded between the two of them at that and Abby tried her best to calm down and hold back the tears that were once again taking shape in her eyes and threatened to leak.
"Abby, look at me", Marcus demanded softly, quietly.
She did as she was told and faced Marcus to see him look at her, wearing an expression on his face that was beyond just tenderness and care.
"I won't do it again, okay?", he whispered, "Any of it. No more volunteering, no more sacrificing, if that's what you want, if that makes you sleep better at night. But I can't just let go of all the lives eliminated because of, and by me"
"I know", she said in a low voice, "I know"
Her facial expression feel from frenzy to exhaustion and her gaze turned hollow and empty as she took in a short breath and tightened her grip on his hand.
"All I'm asking", Abby tried again, "Is that you're not so hard on yourself anymore, not for me, but for you"
"Okay", Marcus responded simply.
When she looked into his face again, Abby saw her own exhaustion mirrored in his features and decided it was best for him to rest before he could leave medical the next morning. Bestowing a tender kiss on his forehead, she got up again, let go of his hand and smiled at him one last time.
"I will be back in the morning," she explained, "You need to get some rest"
Feeling the coldness return to the palm of her left hand, Abby turned her back on Marcus swiftly before she could make up her mind and lie down next to him.