Anna rambles are the best rambles. What else need be said?
Elsanna/Icest/Arencest WARNING: Thiswill deal head-on with issues of incest. If that is not your reading pleasure, please hit the back button and have a nice day.
Entry 2
I spent a good ten minutes staring at Elsa's door that first morning. Logically, I knew Elsa would answer and that the door probably wasn't even locked, but gods standing in front of her door again after everything was so hard. Like I told you before Journal, I barely slept, so waking up early was no big deal, but the prospect of actually going into Elsa's room was terrifying. I wish I could say my fear just had to do with the separation, but while I was standing there (I'm really glad no servants came by because I probably looked stupid just standing there staring at the door) I started thinking about how Elsa's room was one of the only parts of the castle I'd never seen and something about that felt suddenly really intimate and then I started thinking, like reflecting, that thinking about Elsa and just the word "intimate" in the same thought seemed risqué and then I started blushing (really glad no one saw me) and I felt that heat in my belly again and it was so early and I was so tired and I made myself knock on the door because if I kept standing there thinking about being in intimate situations with Elsa I was going to die of embarrassment and shame.
Wow. That was a really long sentence. Sorry Journal. I'll try not to ramble, I promise.
So I knocked on the door and it wasn't locked and Elsa was still in bed and her hair was loose and, well, that didn't help. Seeing her in just a nightgown and with her hair unbraided and why did this have to happen to me? Why me? Seriously! Couldn't somebody else in Arendelle have totally unfair and impossible feelings for her sister? Or his sister, or his brother – or her brother, whatever. Why me?
I immediately looked for a distraction and boy did I find one. I thought Icicle was cute at first, even if he didn't seem to like me very much (maybe he has super sensitive ears, even for a cat, because he really does jump at, like, any noise). It was so nice, so easy, just being there with Elsa and Icicle and joking around and I leaned against her like it was no big deal – and it wasn't – until I felt how damn warm she is. My sister is the Snow Queen for gods' sakes, but other than her hands she's as warm as anybody else. Warmer, even. Like, if I'm ever cold she could just hug me and it feels like summer. And, okay, maybe that's partly because I'm attracted to her, but she's really warm. It's weird but it's true.
I didn't think Icicle would become such a part of our lives, but he's always around now and I hate him. I mean, I don't, obviously, not really, but you know what I mean. At first I tried to like him, and suggested names for him and then in a spectacular display of stupidity I suggested Elsa make him a collar and I even called him important so I guess that much is my own fault, but whatever. He's still cute, and we've settled into this tolerable dislike of each other, like we put up with each other because of Elsa, but he gets to be around her all day if he wants to, and he gets to stay in Elsa's room, and he probably gets to see if she's undressing because he's just a stupid cat, and he gets to curl up with her when she sleeps every night. Every. Night. Can you believe that Journal? I wish I was a cat so I could be Elsa's pet and be around her all the time. Well, what I really wish is that I could be Elsa's consort and everything that goes along with that.
I mean, obviously what I really, really wish it that I didn't feel this way about her. Elsa's my big sister and I do love her like that, but I also find her really attractive and I dream about being with her (maybe I'll write one of my dreams down another time, but I might blush myself to death if I try) and I wake myself up with those dreams and I'm always really, you know, aware of my body when I wake up and then I can't get back to sleep and that's why I still think that sleep deprivation is the root cause of my feelings and –
Sorry Journal, I was doing it again. Rambling, I mean, except you knew that because you're my Journal. Okay. Moving on. The dreams wake me up and I can't get back to sleep. You get the point. Elsa is beautiful, but I'm way past objective appreciation or familial fondness or anything resembling propriety where my thoughts of Elsa are concerned. The dreams didn't start right away, and when they did it wasn't full blown incestuous fantasies from the get go. Oh no, they started out innocent enough – I'd dream of Elsa surprising me with a hug or a kiss on the cheek when a smile probably would have been enough, or of us just spending time together, like reading together or ice skating or something. Regular stuff.
Then there was a week where the nobles' court was giving Elsa a lot of grief and she'd been really super busy and she came looking for me one night and she just looked so worn out and she came to my room – and this was right after Elsa finished the magically constructed tag for Icicle's collar – and we just talked for a while and Elsa started yawning and she fell asleep in my room, in my bed, with me, without meaning to and we cuddled all night and I kind of slept for a while, and that night, obviously, with Elsa right there I had my first, um, sex dream. About Elsa. While she was asleep next to me – with her arms around me and everything! I'm sure you can imagine, Journal, just how awkward I felt when I woke up in the middle of the night from that dream.
And you're going to have to imagine for now, because Kristoff is here to pick me up. We're going to go talk (way overdue, I know). I still haven't decided if I'm going to tell him why specifically, but I definitely need to make it clear that I can't be more than a friend to him, at least right now. Maybe once I get over my infatuation with Elsa and figure out a way to be normal we can date again. I hope so, because he's really great, but I'm not so sure I deserve a second chance. Time will tell, I guess.
Got to run, Journal – wish me luck!