One More Hour-Chapter 2
So I've been writing fanfiction for just over a month and decided to return to this story. I didn't mean for it to be a one-shot originally (I didn't know how to post chapters at the time) and I always wanted to elaborate on one of the ideas I brought up in the story but I wasn't sure if I was cramming too much into one idea. After some time and some reviews and suggestions I decided I'd come back to this and add this chapter. (See, I listen to my reviews, so tell me what you think!) So tell me what you think of both parts, I'm really excited to see how I've progressed. I still don't own anything.
"Morning, Clark." Ed smiled as he looked up from his newspaper. Clark had just walked into the kitchen and was surprised to see his father sitting at the table in a t-shirt and jeans.
"Morning, Dad." He smiled slightly as he walked over to the refrigerator and got out a carton of orange juice. "You have a night shift or something today?" He asked as he poured himself a glass and grabbed a muffin from the counter. Ed folded his paper and placed it aside as he looked towards his son.
"Nope." He paused as he motioned for Clark to sit down. "I took the rest of the week off." He smiled at Clark's look of surprise. "I'll be on call Friday night but I figured we could spend a little time together this week." Clark looked skeptical, not sure what to make of the motion.
"You never take time off." He said as he ripped a piece of muffin off and put it in his mouth. "I'm pretty sure Greg had to force you to take time when you broke your leg last year." Clark said with a small smile. Though he was functioning much better than he had been Monday night, just after the incident in the school, and he was talking much more than he had been yesterday, Ed was acutely aware of the bags under his eyes and the slight shake of his hands. The principal of the school had called and told Clark to take the week off, more if he wanted and though Clark was hesitant at first, Ed and Sophie convinced him to accept.
"Well, I wanted to be around." Ed said with a more serious look. "How'd you sleep last night?" He asked as he saw Clark freeze briefly before shrugging his shoulders.
"Alright." He responded as he picked at a blueberry in his muffin. He had actually been waking up many times during the night drenched in a cold sweat, his heart racing. He didn't remember the nightmares he assumed he was having and he didn't want to delve into them, he just wanted to forget and sleep through the night for once. Ed was nodding slightly as he tried to find Clark's eyes.
"Just alright?" He asked in a casual tone, leaning back in the chair a bit. Clark nodded.
"Alright." He said again as he briefly met his father's gaze before taking a sip of juice. The orange juice rocked in the glass as Clark's hand shook. Pain flashed across Ed's face for a minute as he saw his son try and calm his muscles.
"You okay, buddy?" He asked as he composed himself.
"I'm fine." Clark said as he put the glass down and folded his hands. Ed closed his eyes and took a breath, hearing himself in Clark's nonchalant tone. He looked up again and tried to find Clark's gaze.
"It's okay to say that you're not okay yet, Clark." He said before leaning in and putting his hands on the table. "It was a really big thing that you went through and it's okay to need a little time." He tried to get across the sympathy, the empathy he felt but the words seemed to fall short of expressing the intense pain he felt for his son. Clark lowered his gaze and looked at his hands.
"I'm fine." He insisted in a hard voice. Ed seemed crestfallen as he took a sip of his coffee. His heart was pounding in his chest as he knew that he needed to ask Clark the question he'd been holding off on since the moment they'd gotten to the scene. He took a few breaths to calm himself as he looked at Clark pick at his muffin, his appetite lost.
"Clark, there's something I've been wanting to talk to you about." He looked up at his father and seemed to take some deep breaths. "I wanted to give you a little time to process things before I brought it up." He looked over his son and tried to figure out the best way to start the conversation; he'd rehearsed it in his head all morning but it didn't feel right now. He shook his head subtly as he got himself back on focus. "It's about something you said when you were talking to Sean," Ed saw Clark's muscles tense and relax and decided that it was safe to continue. "Wordy and I were there a little before you saw us, we didn't want to scare Sean so we stayed hidden and I heard you..." He licked his lips and took another breath for a moment. "I heard you tell Sean that sometimes you think about suicide." Ed had never felt his heart beat like this. On calls Ed was in control, when Clark was in danger at school he knew what to do to help, but now...now his son was in deep emotional pain and he had no grasp on the reason or the solution; he felt helpless and he despised it. Clark had frozen at the words and he seemed to be shaking a bit more as he stared at his hands. He knew that he should wait for Clark to respond or say something but he was anxious. "You okay, buddy?" Ed asked, breaking him out of his trance.
"You weren't supposed to hear that." Clark said quietly as he seemed transfixed by his juice. Ed wasn't exactly sure what to say in response but he nodded.
"I know." He said carefully. Clark still hadn't looked up. Ed rested his forearms on the table and leaned in a bit more. "I just want to know that you're okay, Clark." Ed was trying to keep himself calm but he was having trouble keeping the worry from his voice.
"I'm fine." Clark said with a hard edge in his voice. He was obviously uncomfortable but the phrase irked him as he thought of all the times he'd said the same two words to Greg.
"Clark, you don't have to be fine," Frustration was creeping into his tone as he tried to keep his expression sympathetic. "and you don't have to pretend to be fine." Ed said more softly. "I know that it's tough and I know that I haven't set the greatest example with stuff but it'll help to talk about it." Ed put a gentle hand on Clark's forearm as he looked up.
"I'm not in trouble?" Clark asked innocence and worry saturated his voice as he looked at Ed.
"No. No, Clark." Ed said quickly and forcefully. "You're not in trouble at all. I'll never punish you for your thoughts or for your feelings," Ed saw a bit of anxiety leave Clark's face as he continued. "I just..." Ed tried to think of the right way to formulate what he wanted to say but he was at a loss. "...suicide...it's a big...it's not...I just..." He was floundering and Clark saw it.
"I'm not suicidal Dad." Clark said simply as he looked at Ed with a genuine expression. Ed looked obviously relieved but he didn't let his guard down yet.
"Good, I'm really glad to hear that buddy..." he paused and thought for a minute before adding. "but if you were, you'd tell me...?" Ed sat tensely as Clark gave him a hesitant nod. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Ed not sure what to say and Clark itching to get away from the table. Ed cleared his throat.
"Listen buddy," Ed waited for Clark to look at him. "I get it if you don't want to talk to me but maybe it's a good idea for you to talk to someone, just for a little bit." Ed saw the grimace forming on Clark's face.
"I'm not crazy, I don't need a shrink." Resentment was heavy in his voice as Ed sat up a bit and backed off.
"Okay buddy." Ed said softly. "I know you're not crazy, I just...I'm worried about you." He said sincerely. "I bet there's a lot of stuff going on in your head right now with everything that happened on Monday and if there was stuff bothering you to begin with...serious stuff, it might feel overwhelming right now..." Ed saw Clark getting frustrated with the conversation and he couldn't blame him, they were going in circles but Ed wasn't sure what to say without anything to go off of.
"Serious stuff..." Clark quoted Ed as he thought back over the statement. "What, as opposed to the fluffy wonderland that my life usually is?" He said sarcastically as Ed looked at him with a bit of confusion. Clark looked away and shook his head. "But how should you know? I might see you every two or three days if I'm lucky..." Clark said bitterly. Ed shut his eyes for a moment but took the emotional hit.
If Clark needed to vent and let out his anger on Ed, at least he wasn't keeping it bottled up. "I'm taking the course load of a junior, I was pushed ahead because of my test scores, and I love the content but no junior wants to be friends with the know-it-all sophomore so at lunch I sit with the only three people who will talk to me...well who did talk to me." Clark paused as Ed's face turned into a question. "Almost a month ago I reported the one girl to administration, her boyfriend was beating her. She hasn't talked to me since but the others are starting to again." Ed was about to say something but Clark shook his head that he wasn't done. "I comfort Mom as well as I can but every time you're late and no one calls it kills her and I put on a happy face and tell her everything's okay. If you guys are in the same room together you're either fighting, not talking to each other, or pretending it's all okay for me but you know what, I'm not buying it anymore." He paused as he made perfect eye contact with his father. "I might be fifteen but I am not a kid anymore." His features were firm as Ed nodded to him.
"I...I didn't know." Ed mumbled softly. It seemed like a funny thing to say to his son, to tell him that he didn't know he wasn't a kid anymore, but it was more overarching than that. It was almost a statement of surrender as Ed realized how disconnected he was from his own child and his own family.
"I know you didn't." Clark said coldly. "Just like you didn't know I was," He stressed the word and waited for Ed to nod in understanding of the tense before continuing. "was suicidal." Ed seemed to hold his breath as he waited for Clark to continue but it didn't seem he would.
"When?" Ed choked out, still not fully breathing. Clark hesitated a moment but his anger and adrenaline made him continue.
"Twice." He said before softening his voice and looking away. "In the beginning of the year when they placed me in the junior classes I wanted to switch out and move back to my grade but they wouldn't let me. I was having trouble with the workload, no one would talk to me, I didn't want to sound like I was complaining so I didn't tell you or Mom how I was feeling...it crossed my mind...but things evened out when I found some friends and I got the hang of the classes." He chanced a glance at his father before looking at his hands again and continuing in a meeker tone. "The other time was just after I reported Olivia, my friend, to administration." He shifted in his seat slightly. "I know I did the right thing but...I don't know, I just couldn't get the idea out of my head and when no one would talk to me...I don't know." Ed nodded, still a bit paralyzed by what he was hearing.
"I'm sorry you felt so alone, Clark." Ed wasn't sure what he was feeling. He was pained by what Clark was telling him, he felt like he'd failed his son and he felt tears coming to his eyes. He was vaguely glad that he'd waited to be alone with Clark when he had this conversation, Sophie would be losing it right now. Clark gave a curt nod as a bitter smile came to his face.
"I'm coming to the realization that I am alone." Though his voice was strong there was a layer of sadness hidden behind it. Ed shook his head as he put his hands on Clark's shoulders.
"You are not alone." He said strongly. Clark didn't seem fazed by the statement.
"Yeah? Because you're always around to talk about my day right?" The tone bit Ed to the core as he took a breath and tried not to feel angry.
"I might not always be here" He began in a deliberately even tone. "but you're not the only one that feels overwhelmed, and scared, and angry, and...hopeless at times." Clark's face grew softer as he tried to take in what his father was implying. "I know I don't show emotions, it's how I protect myself from the job, but it eats me up and I don't want that to be your life too." Clark looked confused as Ed spoke.
"Are you serious or are you negotiating me right now?" Clark asked with skeptical eyes. "Because I don't know if I can believe that you're ever scared or overwhelmed." He raised an eyebrow as Ed nodded.
"Everyone gets scared at times and everyone feels overwhelmed, I'm no exception." Clark's expression didn't change so he continued. "When Jules was shot I was...I was devastated," Ed's eyes glazed over as he remembered yelling over the radio for them to fallback, hearing Sam's desperate cries for backup...he shook his head to clear the thoughts and focus on the situation now. "I felt guilty and responsible and I thought she was going to die because of me." Ed blinked a tear from his eye. "And when Lou...he was on scene while Sam and Wordy and I went through the subject's house. We were so far away, so disconnected. Then when we got there we were so...we were so helpless. I wanted to do something, I wanted to get out there and help him but there was nothing for us to do." Ed felt tears rising up again as Clark sat across from him, shock evident on his face.
"And then on Monday," He took a shaky breath as he tried to keep composed. "When you called me and all I could do was hope that you would be okay and that you could talk yourself out of it, when I couldn't protect you, when I heard that gunshot go off...I was more scared than I've ever been in my life. I couldn't even process anything, I couldn't think of anything other than finding you and making sure you were safe." A tear rolled down Ed's cheek as Clark starred at him, surprised by the display of emotion. "I love you so much Clark and I hate to see you hurting. I hate to see that I can't protect you and it kills me to the core that you've felt so hopeless and I couldn't help you." He finished as he used his sleeve to wipe the tears from his face. Clark looked like he was also crying as he wrung his hands.
"I haven't been sleeping well," He started as he looked up at his father with innocent eyes. "I...I keep waking up sweating and my heart is racing and I'm breathing fast but I don't remember any nightmares." He bit his lip as he lowered his gaze. "Is that normal?" Ed had to rewind and figure out what was happening. It took him a moment before he realized that Clark was ready to be honest and was starting from the beginning of the conversation.
"It's only Wednesday," He started with as calm a voice as he could manage. "I know it feels like it's been an eternity but not too much time has passed." He said sympathetically. "Sometimes the memories do seep through though and they kill sleeping patterns, I know." Ed said with a nod. "Later on today maybe we can go play basketball or something. It'll help to burn some energy off, the more tired you are the less chance you'll wake up." He shrugged as Clark nodded.
"Yeah, I'd like that." He said as he looked back at his hands. "I'm sorry I lost my temper before, it kind of just happened, I...I didn't mean to say all that stuff."
"It's okay, buddy. You've had a long couple of days, longer few weeks it seems. I'm sorry I wasn't there then to help you out." Ed said as Clark nodded. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Clark spoke.
"Teenagers are supposed to be moody," He rolled his eyes a bit at the stereotype. "And I get that you worry about me but what I said to Sean on Monday, about why I never tried to hurt myself, that was true, Dad. I'd never do that to you and Mom." He bit his lip again hoping that he was saying the right things. Ed nodded.
"I'm glad you're thinking about that buddy, I really am, but I want you to be happy."
"I think I will be, I just...I just need some time to find out what that means for me." Clark paused, not sure if he was making sense. "I mean, I know what happiness is but...what'll make me happy?" He asked rhetorically. "I guess I'm just looking for something and I'm not sure if I've found it quite yet." Ed thought for a moment and nodded in understanding.
"I think I get it." He assured. "But promise me something," Clark looked at him questioningly.
"Until you find that something that makes you happy, you're going to tell someone if you ever feel so hopeless that you think about killing yourself." Clark looked like he was going to say something but Ed continued before he could. "It doesn't have to be me or Mom, just tell someone that can talk to you." He thought for a moment before continuing. "I know you're close to Sam, and you and Spike do your little science experiments, and I know sometimes you talk to Greg; tell one of them what you're thinking or you're feeling and it doesn't have to come back to me. Deal?" He asked hopefully. Clark hesitated for a minute before nodding.
"Deal." He said as Ed let out a breath that he had been holding. They sat in silence for a minute before Ed spoke.
"Anything else you want to talk about, Clark? Anything?" He asked as he stressed the word. Clark seemed to think for a moment before smiling.
"No. Thanks though, Dad." He said as he plucked a blueberry off his muffin.
"You sure?" He asked with a serious face. "Because we can keep talking if you want about anything, or we can take a break and talk later or, whatever you want..." Ed finished as Clark dug another berry out with his fingernails.
"Dad, thank you, but seriously, I'm good. You'll be the first person to know if I want to talk." He said with a slight smile. Ed nodded as he saw Clark going for another berry.
"You should eat more of that muffin if you want to have the energy to beat me one-on-one." He joked as he ripped off a portion for himself.
"You know last week I calculated my accuracy, I've got a 90% perfect shot from the arc." Clark said with a proud smile. Ed raised his eyebrow.
"I like those odds." They laughed as they stood from the table and walked into the hall.
"I'll go change." Clark said as he headed for the stairs as Ed walked over to the sink to start the dishes.
"Clark," Ed called as he walked closer. Ed pulled Clark into a tight hug and held him there for a minute. "I love you."
"Love you too, Dad." Clark said as he returned the hug. "I'm not going to have mercy on you when we get to the court though." He smiled up at his father as he felt some of the weight lifted from his shoulders.
I liked the beginning of this but I think I kind of lost it. This was really really tough to write actually. It took me a long time to kind of get the responses somewhat acceptable in my mind but I feel like some of the angsty Clark that I wrote last night for my other story "Truth" transferred into this one and I'm not sure how much I like that change. When I wrote the first part of this story I was imagining a much more sensitive Clark but I've been making him progressively angrier so I hope it's not too much of a jump. I think this is done (as long as no one else has any amazing suggestions {Thank you HorseKrazy}) but I'm not totally sure. There was a part of me thinking about another part but I don't know...I've got a lot of other stuff in my head so maybe I'll write that and return. Tell me what you think.