Star Warz
Episode [Peace]:
Installation
One and a half years have passed since the last trilogy. The family of Squishy and Sylvia Jaa-Ruuk have lived quietly and without hassle since their last encounter with the diabolical Contractor. Their three children have been accepted by the whole galaxy well enough, allowing them to be raised with the love and care every child deserves. Two of them take on the likeness of their mother, but have five-fingered claws and yellower eyes, as well as a slimmer, more upright build. These are Stan and Sally. The third one is an interesting case, in that he was born wearing the garb of any traditional Jawa, but with reptilian appendages. No one has seen him without his cloak, but it's assumed that he looks just like his siblings underneath. There have been rumors of some troubling disfigurement the parents are too ashamed to reveal, but these are held by a vast minority. This child was named Richter, or Rick for short.
Much quiet has befallen the galaxy over the year and a half. Jawa Home has continued to run smoothly with no trouble at all. The children, due to their unique genetics, have grown and developed at an astonishing rate, so that they think and behave similar to five year old humans. We join this happy family and their Jedi friends on Jawa Home preparing for an international celebration for all races. It is an event many are already considering to be an unforgettable one. Though something seems a bit off...
(Turn to Jawa Home, where the space around it is abuzz with various ships. Some of these ships are hanging decorations on the outside of the massive station. Inside, the corridors are filled with banners and balloons and chatty guests of all species and races. In one secluded but cluttered corner, we find Squishy with a clipboard and tapping his head with a pen)
Squishy: Oh dear oh dear oh dear! Busy busy busy! I know I'm forgetting something, but what?
?: Yo! Squishy!
(He turns to see Jo and the other Jedi come in)
Squishy: Jo! Guys! What're you doing here?
Sara: Have you forgotten? We're part of the event committee. We volunteered.
Squishy: Yeah, but in such a big group? What about your jobs, the party set-up things?
Will: We finished them.
Jo: We're Jedi, you know. Five tons of confetti are nothing to Force Levitation.
Cope :Though I don't agree with me running the Kid's Room.
Anna: Now Alex, don't whine about it. It was either that, or be the recurring clown character.
Cope: Grrrrrr…
Squishy: Say, speaking of kids, have you seen Sylvia around?
?x2: Daddy!
(Show two 1½ foot lizards running toward Squishy and hugging his sides)
Squishy: Kids, hey! Where's mommy?
Sylvia: Over here. (She walks in) They've been all hyped up by all the excitement. They're quite a handful.
Squishy: Yeah, I can see. But where's little Richter?
Sylvia: He's around here somewhere.
?: Up here, Dad!
(Above, a robed pipsqueak zips down a banner string and leaps off. It lands and stands to reveal a small robed being with bright yellow eyes only visible in the hood's darkness, as well as reptilian limbs)
Sara: There he is.
Rick: Did ya see that Mom? Did ya did ya?
Sylvia: Yes, yes I did dear. Hmm… He sure does take after his father, doesn't he?
Squishy: Now don't cut yourself out so soon, honey. You can be quite the scrambler with the right stimulation.
Sylvia: Squishy!
(The Jedi laugh while the kids look confused)
Jo: So Squishy, what're you doing on such a bustling occasion?
Squishy: Well, frankly, I'm quite wound up. It's minutes before opening ceremony, and I'm extremely nervous about something going wrong. Plus I keep thinking I'm forgetting something.
Sylvia: Oh, I'm sure it wasn't anything important.
Anna: And you have nothing to worry about. We saw to it that this bash will be explosive. (Sees worried look) In a metaphorical sense, not literal.
Jo: Yeah, and I spiked the punch with enough death stick powder so that this night may be the last thing anyone will remember for a while.
(Cope is drinking some punch but chokes and spits it out at this statement)
Cope: You did what!?
Jo: I'm kidding, I'm kidding!
(He chuckles and gets punched in the shoulder)
Sara: Hey, look! Steezy's about to go on.
(Turn to the grand staging area, where we see Steezy walk up a ramp onto a large stage with a podium)
Kids: Uncle Steezy Uncle Steezy!
Sylvia: Hush now, dears. We've got to show manners for your uncle.
(Things go quiet and Steezy reaches the podium. His image is greatly enlarged on TV screens hanging around the place)
Steezy: Hello everyone! This is your party ship's technical officer and pilot, Steezy Ssi-Ruuk. Welcome to this very hippin' happenin' occasion, and let me say how great it is to see so many folks of cultural variety! It makes me so stoked to see all you different races and species chatting it up together in one room instead of killing each other, physically or verbally. Oh, and for you stiffs out there in the audience, I assure you that all weapons of outrageously mass destruction have been removed from this vessel some years back. That being said, you now know that if you can't find your planet after leaving this party, it won't be because I blew it up. (There are some uneasy chuckles) But seriously, folks. Tonight is a very important and special night for all of us here at Jawa Home. On this night, a new age of peace and camaraderie will be born, and Jawa Home will be the very birthplace of it. Because starting tonight, this fabulous establishment shall officially become the galaxy's greatest destination for festivities and partying, as we shall all become residents of Celebration Nation!
(Confetti explodes and screens flash, announcing this new event. People get lively at this)
Steezy: Yes, my friends! This night shall be the high point of equal partying rights for years to come. So it won't matter if you're a man or woman, Quarren or Calamarian, Jawa or Tusken, homo or hetero, bisexual or asexual, or whatever the preference, this night is ours to spend in jubilation! And what better way to kick off such a tubular event then with a raffle! (Cheers abound) All right, seems that everyone of you agrees! Now while tickets are being passed out, please grab some punch and get acquainted with everyone, because once the dancing starts, don't expect to go to your room anytime soon!
(Some employees go about passing out tickets. Back at the quiet nook)
Sylvia: I'd say he did pretty good.
Squishy: Eh, I thought he was a bit serious for the middle part. But this is an important event, nonetheless. Just think: the first resort to officially abolish any and all specie-centric restrictions for event hosting.
Will: But it's already been like that here, right?
Squishy: Yeah, but now it's fully sanctioned by every planetary government in the galaxy. Only a few set protocols that doesn't discriminate any demographic. Only a matter of time before everywhere will be like this.
Anna: That kinda sounds impossible.
Sylvia: No doubt it'll take some time to fully catch on. But with how fast things have gotten on, it shouldn't be long.
Squishy: Yep. So more cause for celebration!
(Some guy wearing a cap and holding a pink box tied with a red ribbon walks over)
Guy: Squishy and Sylvia Jaa-Ruuk?
Sylvia: Yes?
Guy: Package for you. (Shoves it into Squishy's arms)
Squishy: Package? I don't recall expecting a- (The guy has vanished) Huh?
Stan: Ooooh, a present!
Sally: Is it for me is it for me?
Sylvia: Now hold on a sec, kids, we're still trying to figure out who sent it.
Anna: Is it your birthday or something?
Squishy: No, but there's a little tag here. Maybe that would explain the reason.
(Holds up the tag, only to find the words "Forgot Something?" written there)
Squishy: That's weird...
Will: Well just don't stand there thinking. Open it already.
Squishy: Fine, fine, sheesh!
(Pulls off top to find two metal cylinders laying inside)
Rick: What is it Daddy? Toys?
Jo: Lightsabers? WTF?
Anna: Jo!
Sylvia: Hey! These are our old lightsabers from over a year ago.
Sara: Your old sabers? You mean the ones you gave to Contractor?
Squishy: Yeah. We sorta forgot about these, so we had to make new ones.
Cope: Wait. If you gave them to the Contractor, then how come that guy just gave it to you and disappeared?
Will: Uh-oh. I don't like where this is going.
Steezy: Alright, ladies and gents! The first drawing is about to begin, so quiet please! (Everyone quiets) Okay, our first winning number for tonight is: 0, 4, 7, 2, 1, and 9!
Lady in Crowd: (Waving arms) I won I won!
Steezy: We have a winner, folks! You, lucky lady, have just won a fabulous-
Demonic Voice: Trip to a world of indescribable pain, sorrow and torture from which the sweet embrace of death cannot save you!
(The lights and screens get all fuzzy)
Normal Voice: That is, if you indulge in defying my will.
Steezy: What the heck?
(The screens continue fuzzing, but then start to readjust and then switch to a dark room with the back of a throne showing. The throne swivels around to show someone in royal battle attire, wearing glasses and sitting smartly)
Dude: Hello, peons. It is I, your great lord and creator, here to spread my gospel before yon ignorant masses.
Jedi: Contractor!
Sally: Hey, you're that bad man momma and daddy told us about.
Stan: Gee, his forehead's big.
Cont: Yes… Or, as your precious Jedi put it, I use the title of Contractor or, what the little she-freak referred to me as, a "bad man." You see, such senseless bashing to my name has left me doubtful on the chances for all of you reaching nirvana once I bring Judgment Day down upon all of you.
(Gasps abound)
Jo: Don't listen to him! He's just some mean b****rd who's only good at typing and being a total nutjob!
Cont: Yes, that sums me up pretty well. However, if you're still not convinced on me being God, then let me demonstrate my power.
(Snaps fingers. Everyone on the station then breaks into a uniform chicken dance of jiggling about to silly music. Seconds later, Contractor snaps his fingers again, and everyone returns to normal, though looking thoroughly bewildered)
Cont: Yes, as you can see, your free wills are all neatly wound around my fingertips, so don't think anything I wouldn't agree with. (All goes quiet) Now that I have your undivided attentions, I can go on to my announcement. I have come before you all to tell you all of my new venture in the mortal realm. You see, exerting my intentions as an omnipotent being hasn't been working out so well for a while now, so I thought I would have better luck being a regular Joe-Schmoe. Which is why I plan on establishing a new empire that will compete with your precious Republic. I haven't formed a name for it yet, but it shouldn't matter because in no time, I will crush your military and government so that I will have the freedom to adopt the name "Republic" for my glorious empire. Of course, I will change that name at a later time to better fit my tastes, but you all get the gist of what I'm saying, right? (Everyone nods) Good! Then we're squared with things. Now, to further strengthen my message of conquest, I have enlisted the aid of such individuals as Wario, Waluigi, Dr. Timoki, and any other Silly Anti-Heroes of the gaming world, just because I can. With so much silly hair, I doubt any of you can stop me. So now I bid you-
Squishy: Wait!
(Runs out to staging area)
Cont: Ahhh... If if isn't the humble host of this shindig. Did you get my package alright?
Squishy: What is your deal!? Why are you coming here now to mess with us some more, and why did you send us back our lightsabers?
Cont: Well, the sabers were a thank you for having that onion bot sicced on me. Boy, that was a "fun" way to build leg muscles in a year. And I'm doing all this because I can and I feel like it. I'm God, after all, so you can't tell me what to do you meddling heretics.
Sylvia: But this is ridiculous! You're only trying to get at us for stuff that we didn't even do, or that we had done in self-defense.
Jo: Yeah! Everything done to you by us was well-deserved!
Anna: So get over it already!
Cont.: NO! I WILL NEVER GET OVER IT! I AM YOUR MAKER AND IT SHOULD BE YOU WHO SHOULD BE MADE THE FOOL AND NOT ME! IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT! And on that note... (Snaps fingers) There, now every monkey in the Coruscant Planetary Zoo has been set loose. Furthermore, they have been given the mental capabilities of hyper six year-olds, and have been scattered throughout the galaxy as an added bonus. That way, as I perfect my dictatorial stance, you will be too busy catching little chimps like silly fools. "But Contractor, why should little chimps be something of galactic concern?" Here's why. (Poofs up a palm pilot) Well, seems a cruiser over Ralltiir has crashed into the financial district due to unforeseen simian interference, meaning stocks there will greatly plummet. Check for yourself.
Stockbroker: (Holding a laptop) My God he's right!
Cont: Of course. Now imagine stuff like that happening in all locales on all planets, but on a more devastating scale, manned by monkeys. I will trust that you'll make the right decisions. See ya's!
Squishy: But Contractor-!
Cont: Nope. Sorry. Gotta go. Buh-bye. Ciao. Adios. Later. Auf Wiedersehen. Aloha. Nanu nanu.
Cope: Stop saying that stuff already!
Cont: (Fingers in ears) La la la la la la! La la la la la la blah blah blah can't hear you yadda yadda yadda you all suck yawn yawn yawn yawn good bye.
(Screens and lights flicker back to their original settings. Everyone is completely dumbfounded)
Steezy: (Into mic) Uhhhhh, ummmm… Well… Seems that this party has been, uhh, cut short. So if you can all calmly return to your rooms and hangers in a quiet, chill manner, then we can get through this a little quicker, 'kay?
(Everyone files out. Later on, when the last ship leaves and clean-up is being done, we see the Jedi in the middle of the empty, confetti-strewn plaza)
Squishy: D**n that Contractor! He just had to come and ruin things when it barely started.
Sylvia: Squishy! Calm down. The kids might be around.
Steezy: No they're not. (Steezy walks over) I just put them to bed.
Will: Well this is a fine pickle if I do say so myself. The Contractor's back and crazier than ever.
Sara: He's endangering the lives of both sentient beings and monkeys alike.
Cope: An immediate course of action has to take place real soon.
Jo: It will, it will. I just know it.
(An Ithorian walks over)
Ithorian: General Chris and Admiral Ackbar have just arrived, fair Jedi.
Squishy: Good. Have them sent to the meeting room.
Ithorian: Yes sir. (Walks away)
Jo: See? What did I tell you?
Will: About time, anyway. Now we can see how much crap the Contractor has flung at us.
Anna: Oh, thanks for the image, Will!
(Later in a meeting/staging room, the fishy admiral and the hairy general are standing around as the Jedi are sitting)
Chris: Well, let me begin by saying how good it is to see you all again. Though I regret we had to come when the party was long over.
Ackbar: And that it had to happen under these conditions.
Chris: Huh? Oh, that too.
Jo: So what's the situation, Admiral?
Ackbar: Upon receiving your message, I had patrols across the galaxy check on various planets, and unfortunately, it seems that the Contractor wasn't blowing smoke.
Chris: Agents who arrived on Rodia found some of the missing monkeys playing Sabaac in one of the casinos. When they got too rambunctious and security tried to remove them, they went out of control and started tearing up the place and flinging feces everywhere. Our agents were able to detain the apes, but their uniforms and a one sixth of Rodia will never smell the same again.
Ackbar: Not too long afterwards, soldiers on Tatooine found two monkeys dressed as C-3PO and R2-D2 crawling across the hot desert, and one monkey dressed as Boba Fett fighting a Sarlaac with a banana gun. Needless to say, that one we couldn't save.
Cope: So what does this all mean?
Chris: This means that these "monkeys" are either extremely hyper or extremely retarded or, very likely, both. Either way, their antics are to be listed under "5th Grade Humor".
Ackbar: Nevertheless, they still pose a threat to any population once they're in a crowded area, or whenever they're around machinery of any type.
Anna: So basically they are a galactic concern in unquestionable need of attention?
Ackbar: That is correct.
Will: But there's the Contractor. He wants to overthrow the Republic and go all Mussolini on us. Can't we just worry about him and let our army handle the monkeys?
Ackbar: I don't know who this "Mussolini" is, but no we can't worry about the Contractor. For one, we don't know where the Contractor is. And for another, our army can't handle these monkeys. Their size allows them to hide just about anywhere, and we'd just end up destroying more property to catch them than would be worth it. We can't wait for them to make a strike, and our foot soldiers aren't adequate for such a task.
Squishy: So the bottom line is, that you need Jedi who are fast and agile and consist of 3 guys, 2 girls, a Jawa, and a lizard.
Chris: PREEE-cisely!
(Everyone groans and sighs)
Jo: Man! We're freakin' monkey chasers now…
Cope: The Contractor was right: this is gonna make us look stupid.
Anna: Awww, it can't be that bad.
Sylvia: Who's going to take care of the kids? We can't just have Steezy babysit every time we're gone.
Squishy: We'll take turns. That way, while we're zipping across the galaxy, we can swap places now and then.
Sara: Who knows: this could be fun.
Chris: Yeeeah, it'll be fun, alright. Heh heh heh heh.
Jo: What's that supposed to mean?
Ackbar: Report to Corellia for further instructions on what to do.
Chris: And to procure your "special equipment".
Anna: "Special, equipment"?
Cope: Why do I have the feeling things have gotten gayer now?
Will: Man, this is gonna be one loooong week.
And long it was. Our heroes embarked on the fruity quest of recapturing misplaced monkeys as a result of the Contractor's bid for annoyance. Using equipment created by the renowned Professor Whats-His-Face of Corellia, they go about snagging monkeys in a "Relocation Net" that would send them back to the Coruscant Planetary Zoo, which is either a reference or horrible rip-off of the Ape Escape franchise (very likely both). All the while, our fair Jedi had to endure many kooky monkey antics, much embarrassment, lost dignity, bad jumps resultant of a crappy camera, and a lot of hard-to-remove feces. As they plow on and on through the tedious task, they're all fueled by one burning thought: the Contractor shall die the horrible, b***h-a** death he deserves. We now rejoin our heroes giving off a bad smell and having caught their last monkey…
(Show them panting, looking miserable and stinky)
Jo: Can't, take, this, crap, any, longer…
Anna: Never be clean never be clean never be clean never be clean-
Cope: Well praise any-God-that's-not-Contractor that was the last one.
Will: Yeah, so what? Is lack of dignity and sanity our big reward?
(A beeping comes from Squishy. He pulls out a commlink)
Squishy: Hello?
Ackbar: Squishy, Jedi, how goes your progress?
Jo: (Grabs comm) We've just finished the last one, and the showers on the pick-up cruiser better have an extra-scalding function.
Ackbar: Well it better be a quick shower. We've just found the Contractor's base. It's floating around Yavin 6, and it's best if you hurry.
Jo: Right-o. On our way. (Turns off comm)
Sara: Hooray! Payback time for our turmoil!
Will: The Contractor's gonna get it now.
Anna: I call the groin. No one go near it!
Squishy: But first we got to get to the cruiser.
Jo: Of course. Now, let's see…
(Pull back to show them on a rock that's atop a skinny precipice surrounded by many rocky peaks)
Will: Ohhhhh… Why must the last monkey always be in the most inconvenient places?
So fueled by revenge, our heroes make haste toward Contractor's HQ, picking Sylvia up along the way. A beat down of massive proportions is sure to happen real soon…
(Yavin orbit. By the 6th moon there is a large, rectangular black space station floating in space. Coming towards it is a small Mon Cal cruiser. On the bridge)
Ackbar: Alright, everyone. This is the station we picked up some hours ago. It has no affiliation with any planet or organization, so it has to be where the Contractor is. No weapons have been detected on the exterior, so there should be no resistance out here. Jedi, you are to go into the station via small shuttle and locate the Contractor. Since you have faced him before, you would be better suited for whatever he may throw at you.
Jo: Darn skippy.
Anna: Finally, a chance to whoop some biblical booty! Ha ha!
Sylvia: It was nice for you to come along, Steezy, but did you have to bring the kids?
Steezy: Why not? It's not often they get to see their parents act like heroes, plus they can behave themselves. Right guys? (Kids come over)
Kids: Yes uncle Steezy!
Squishy: Now kids, you be good to the admiral and everyone while we go teach a big bully a lesson.
Kids: Okay!
Sally: Be careful, Mom and Dad.
Sylvia: We will, honey.
Ackbar: If you are quite finished tending to your children, you must leave immediately. That station should have sensors picking us up right now, and we don't want the Contractor to escape. Go through that station and detain the Contractor as fast as possible, for the Republic.
Will: You can count on us, sir!
Sara: We'll bag him good!
Cope: With extreme prejudice.
Chris: (Pops up) And when you get back, we'll celebrate with shooters. Ariba! (Goes about the place chugging tequila and wearing a sombrero)
Squishy: Riiight… And we're off.
(Some time later, a shuttle is seen heading for the station. Inside, the Jedi step through a sliding door and stop at the start of a long hallway)
Jo: Okay, though we got in easy, it's gonna be hard the rest of the way. We've got to keep our guards up.
(There's a clang and the Jedi draw their sabers. Down the hall, many metal doors close in a line towards them before stopping a foot from them, sealing off the entire hall. An elevator opens to their left)
Anna: WTF?
Squishy: That seems… Oddly convenient.
Sara: I'm not sure about it.
Cope: I don't trust it.
(Goes over to sealed hall. He sticks his saber into the metal, and when he pulls it out, metal immediately refills it)
Cope: Well this may take a while…
Sylvia: The elevator may be the only option, Alex.
Will: Yeah, let's go with that.
Jo: Come on Alex.
Cope: ...Fine.
(They step into the elevator)
Cope: See? There aren't any buttons here.
(The doors close and there's a humming. The Jedi are a bit startled, but ease a bit)
Anna: So what now?
Squishy: I'd say we just enjoy the ride.
Sara: Fine by me.
(Silence. Soon the elevator stops and the doors open. They step into a room that is entirely pitch black, except for the Jedi. Upon stepping out of the elevators, the doors close)
Welcome, My Creations!
(A spotlight shines down on the middle of the room, and in the light is the Contractor on his throne)
Cont: Welcome to my abode. Pretty fitting for my ambitions, wouldn't you say?
Cope: Contractor, we and you have some business to finish!
Cont: Really? I thought this was an informal visit.
Jo: Cut the bull crap, five-head! We've had enough of it!
Will: You had us go around the galaxy cleaning up your mess!
Sara: You put people and monkeys in immediate danger.
Sylvia: You kept us from our kids even more!
Anna: I will never be wholly cleansed or fresh because of you!
Cope: So now we're gonna finish things right here and now!
Cont: Ho ho ho ho! Really? You sound serious. But alas, things are far from over.
Squishy: What do ya mean?
Cont: Well, for one, thanks for complimenting my voluptuous forehead. (rubs forehead sensually) And two, that was no mere mess you dealt with. Oh no, it was a cleverly-devised diversion to keep you guys off my back. I needed all that alone time to ready my empire, you know, ready the troops, build the fortress, harvest resources, etc., etc.
Jo: So that's all it was, a diversion?
Cont: No, not really. Being god, I can just make all that tedious assembly stuff happen with a thought. But I had a hoot watching you guys make utter fools of yourselves. And I did have a good time randomly possessing a monkey to hypnotize you into dancing like idiots.
Cope: You were the one that made me do the Macarena!? You b****rd son of a B***h!
(Runs at him and swings with the saber, but only hits number data and slices the throne. Numbers pop up nearby and form a standing Contractor)
Cont: My apologies. This is only a data projection of myself. My real self is busy living it up at our base on Mon Calamari.
All: Mon Calamari!?
Cont: Yeeah. I'm smooth like that. I have the whole planet to myself. In fact, in a few seconds, reports will be pouring in about how all Mon Cals and Quarrens have been evicted from their own planet. Yep, such an freshly-abandoned planet will be the perfect staging area for my galactic conquest.
Squishy: Mon Calamari? You monster! You won't get away with this!
Will: That's right! Once we get off this station and tell Ackbar and Chris, you'll have the Republic fleet so far up your a** your wang will be pulling double shifts in waste management!
Sara: Will!
Cont: Whoa-ho-ho! Such strong, vengeful words. You must really want me dead.
Sylvia: D**n straight!
Cont: Well, unfortunately, I can't let you do that just yet. I still have some more initiatives to take. Observe.
(Sticks out arm and a wall lifts to become a huge view window. They can see the stars, moons and the cruiser)
Cont: Now witness the power of this fully righteous kick-a** battle station!
(Opens hand. Outside, a huge section of the station raises out like a garage door. Light gathers within the void inside. On the cruiser bridge)
Steezy: Hey, what's that?
Ackbar: (Stunned) Oh sweet Force…
Kids: Pretty light pretty light!
(The light grows and grows into an immense ball. Then a huge white beam fires and hits the cruiser, turning it into one big fireball of scrap. The Jedi run over to the window)
Jedi: ADMIRAL!
Couple: KIIIIIIIDS!
(All the while, the projection laughs maniacally. Then)
Cont: YES! Sweet, sweet demonstration, perfectly executed. MAN I'm just so on top of it right now!
(Laughs. Sylvia turns around, trembling with rage)
Squishy: You murderous a**-hole mother-f***er! DIE!
(Runs over and starts slashing repeatedly through the projection in a fury with her saber)
Cont: Yes, my lovely! Give in to some of that hatred! Embrace the Dark Side for once; feel that raw satisfaction. Things have been a little boring around here without any Sith, am I right?
Squishy: Sylvia, don't!
(She continues the slashing)
Cont: Now then, while your precious galaxy mourns the loss of its dear admiral and mutant family, I'll have conquered half the galaxy before they've reached their second box of tissues. Yes, all ripe for the picking, a mourning can be.
Sara: (Shaking) What... are you? W-what kind of monster… are you...? You just killed their children and just laugh at it. You have no regard for life and you obliterate it for sick enjoyment… Is this whole thing some kind of game to you!?
Cont: No, Miss, this is war! And in a war you need to take initiative, get ahead of the enemy by smashing their emotions! Leave them shuddering and weak, by any means necessary!
(Squishy has managed to calm Sylvia and pull her away)
Cont: It isn't a time to play fair, oh no, ma'am. You heretics and rebels have run this galaxy for far too long, and now I'm taking back! And I'm doing it the way your governments would have it done: through unprecedented force! (Grows somber and faces Jedi) Nothing is ever sacred in a war, Miss Sara and Jedi. What you consider safe and protected is just as open to destruction as anything on the battlefield. People should learn to never become attached to many things, or else they're left open for immense emotional and psychological exposure and backlash. And opportunities like that are rarely ever passed up by an enemy. And speaking of opportunities...
(Snaps fingers, and various figures pop up around the group)
Will: What the?
Squishy: Nightmare Zero? Lladnar Twem? Bizarro Superman? Anti-Flash? Shadow Link? Heeeeey… These are serious evil clones and doppelgangers. How the-
Cont: Yeah, I lied about allying myself with video game morons. So while you're busy fighting these guys, I'm off to harvest a Knowledge Bank. Ciao!
(Laughs and disappears. The Jedi huddle together and draw sabers before the closing crowd)
Jo: Well, looks like we've got to fight our way out.
Sara: I don't know if I can go on.
Will: You've got to, Sara! We have to warn everybody, and that means staying alive!
Sylvia: I might succumb to the Dark Side if I fight. That rage scared me. I-I don't know-
Squishy: You must fight, Sylvia! Things may be bad, but we still must… must… oh god, who am I kidding? I don't know what's what anymore.
Anna: This is just great! Being surrounded by bad guys right as you guys have to put up with tragedy and self-doubt.
Cope: Guess we've got to do this ourselves. Let's go, Will!
Will: Just look after those two or fight with us, Sara.
(They stand off for a bit. When they star to move, there's a loud thud and rumbling in the room. They look around to find the front half of a shuttle lodged through a section of wall. The top lifts up to show Ackbar, Chris, Steezy and the kids are all buckled up)
Jedi: Admiral! Steezy! Kids!
Kids: Let's go again let's go again!
Steezy: Hey yall! Sorry if we scared ya. That laser came real fast and we were all in a rush. Good thing we installed shuttles into the bridge.
Chris: Ugh… Keep it down. I have a hangover here. Sheesh!
Ackbar: Quick, hop in! We've got to get to Coruscant!
(The Jedi run over and leap into the crowded cockpit. The lid closes and the shuttle pulls out, creating a vacuum that jettisons the motley villain into the dead of space. The shuttle speeds away)
Sylvia: Oh, my babies! (Kissing noises) You're safe and alright! Oh thank God!
Rick: Mommy! Your hugs are too tight!
Steezy: Settle down, kids. Stay in your seats.
Cope: Ow! Your elbow's in my rib, Jo!
Jo: Well your foot's in my butt, Alex!
Anna: Quit it, you two! Be glad we're outta there!
Sara: Alright we're out! I could really use a cappuccino. You have a maker installed?
Ackbar: Quiet! You're messing with the controls.
(The shuttle rocks a bit about with more incessant rabble)
Chris: SHUT UP WITH ALL OF YOU! I'M TRYING TO TAKE A FREAKIN' NAP HERE!
(Things go quiet and the shuttle stabilizes)
Sara: (Whispers) Sorry…
Ackbar: Thank you. Now, what has happened in there?
Cope: The Contractor has taken over Mon Calamari. That's where his real base is.
Steezy: We know. We got a transmission about it before the cruiser got blown. It's all on this disk.
Ackbar: So then, we must return to Coruscant and round up the fleet to retake the planet.
Squishy: No! Not yet.
Jo: How come?
Squishy: Did you guys already forget? That battle station blew up a Mon Cal cruiser! It's a threat to the galaxy!
Will: Yeah, but, it's out in the middle of nowhere.
Squishy: We don't know if it has a hyperdrive installed! Listen Admiral, we can't let that thing do to the galaxy what it nearly did to us. You don't want another Alderaan, do you?
Ackbar: ...Alright. Upon reaching Coruscant, we'll get a small attack force to take it out.
Sylvia: I'm coming with it.
Squishy: Sylvia?
Anna: Count me in.
Sara: Me too!
Jo: We're here for you buddy.
Squishy: Wow… Thanks everyone. But Steezy, you've got to stay at Jawa Home with the kids for this one.
Steezy: Gotcha. No need to tell me twice.
Ackbar: Then it's settled. We'll go to Coruscant and strategize our attack there.
Anna: Good good, but how bout less stating and more hyperspacing already!
Chris: Chaser… Need Chasers…. Nooow….
(The shuttle leaps into hyperspace. Some time later, we see the station of doom just floating outside the moon. Then we pull back to see a marvelous sight. To preparation music, groups of A-wings, Y-wings, X-wings and B-wings fly forward followed by several Mon Cal cruisers and frigates and blockade runners. On the bridge of the Home One)
Tech. Off.: We are nearing the station, Admiral.
Ackbar: All squadrons, maintain position until we give the signal. General Chris, are you capable of sounding off the units?
Chris: Yeah yeah. Let's get this show on the road. Okay, uhh…. Ebon Hawk, are you ready?
Alex: Yes, already! Let's go!
Anna: Calm down. The bloodshed will start eventually.
Chris: Millennium Falcon, are you set?
Jo: Yep. Ready to rock and roll!
Chris: Good. Now SD-001-754 God that's a long-a** name! Are you there?
Will: Loud and clear, el capitáine!
Sara: Along with his co-pilot, too!
Chris: Nice. Now Century Sparrow II, are you ready to roll?
Squishy: H**ls yes we are!
Sylvia: For the sake of Steezy and the kids!
Chris: Right one, you two. Geek Squadron, are you up for this?
Ted: Yessir. It's about time we saw some action, right guys?
John: Yep.
Bill: Oh yeah!
Hugo: We're all going to die!
Chris: That's the spirit, Hugo! Admiral, all units are tuned in and ready to blow, sir!
Ackbar: Excellent. Now to all other ships, keep steady and strike fast unless I say different. This thing is deadly, and it must be taken out quickly. So good luck, and may the Force be with you.
All: Hoo-Rah!
(The ships speed forward. As they near the station, holes open up around it)
Jo: Careful, guys. It's doing something.
(Once the holes open, many shining glass slabs fly out and begin circling the station. They then spread out and hook up)
Cope: What the heck is it doing?
Will: Might be a defense measure of some kind.
(The slabs continue hooking up and forming a mesh. Then)
Cope: What the!?
Squishy: No way!
Will: You've got to be kidding me!
Sara: It's a, a, a, a,
Chris: Disco Ball!?
(Show a ginormous, glittering disco ball where the station used to be. The ships close in and stop before it with question marks over them. Then atop the ball, a platform rises out carrying a small boom box. Then it starts playing the "Star Wars Disco Mix" as the ball gives off that funky light. The fighters at front then start bobbing about, grooving to the bumping beat. Then when the song reaches its climax, several beams shoot out and blow away the dancing crafts)
All: HOLY C****T!
(Then to Star Fox 64 Boss B music, large hands come out the sides and a cylindrical head rises out the top. The thing looks at its hands before slamming the knuckles together and makes a threatening pose)
Chris: (Throwing out arm) Squash that cockamaroach!
(The battle begins! Ships fly all around the thing with lasers firing. The Disco Doom swings its huge fists around, destroying several fighters while firing off more of its beams. Every laser from the fleet that hits it bounces back)
Bill: Sir! Lasers aren't working on it!
Will: That thing clipped me a bit. I'm slowly losing power.
Squishy: I don't think a Cutesy Cannon will work for this one.
Hugo: I've got it! Die mutha-f**ker!
Ted: No! You're flying straight at the moon!
Hugo: I'm going to be a heroooooo!
Ackbar: (Slams down fist) Curses! What do we do now!?
Tech. Off: Well, sir… There's still one thing left to try.
Ackbar: And that is?
Tech. Off.: That thing Squishy cooked up some time ago to be used in extreme circumstances such as this.
Chris: You're crazy! That thing has never been used in combat before, and I haven't had time to practice my announcer's voice for it.
Tech. Off: But it just may be our only hope. What do you say, Admiral?
Ackbar: (After a pause) Fine… Give them the go ahead, General.
Chris: Alright. (Into comm) Squishy. Guys. It's time to bring out the big guns. Code 1337 Ah Yeh Son.
Squishy: Sweet!
Sylvia: What's that?
Squishy: Listen, everyone! It's time for our Sentai reference of the week!
Cope: Our what!?
Squishy: FORM UP!
(Pushes a button. Then to crazy anime music, the ships of all the Jedi fly to a certain spot. Then they start turning about with electricity crawling over them)
Chris: (With a microphone & bow tie and speaking really fast) Ah yes, it finally seems they are actually doing it. When the wacky zany genius of Squishy is unleashed, the great Jedi shall combine their talents and power into one big ginormous being of ever so massive desfluction, desbluc-, distruc-, (Moves about lips, coughs and sips some water) A really big robot thingy!
(Turn back to ships which are now taking the shape of a very large mecha)
Cope: Hey! Why am I the crotch?
Ted: Okay, guys: It's showtime!
(Show the nerd ships flying toward the mecha)
Chris: And when the Geek Squadron bring their loyalty to the mix, they form up to become the ultra-spectacular über great mega deathdealing- (Breathes deeply) coolrific staff of Justice! God I need a lozenge!
(Outside, to the Power Rangers theme, the four nerd ships line up and fuse into a long staff that's grabbed by the mecha. On board)
All: (In a Power Rangers diorama thing) Yeah!
(All goes quiet as the mecha floats before the Disco Doom. The Doom scratches its rotund head in confusion. On the mecha)
Squishy: Okay, sound off! Right arm!
Jo: Ready!
Squishy: Left arm!
Anna: Here!
Squishy: Right & left legs!
Will & Sara: Right here!
Squishy: Groin!
Cope: Yeah… But why do we need a-
Squishy: Chest! (Alex: Grrr!)
Sylvia: Ready to roll, honey!
Squishy: Good! MegaZord Knock-Off 01, AWAY!
(The theme plays again and the mecha starts swinging the staff about itself. Then it poses and leaps at the ball. Then to Godzilla music, the two go into cheapo Japanese fighting with slow movements and cheap clanging noises whenever they hit. At one point, the ball hits the groin of the mecha. Inside)
Cope: (Screaming and clutching crotch) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! What The H**l!?
Squishy: Oh, I forgot to mention something: Your assigned limb is connected to your own limb, so if your part gets hit, you'll feel it there.
Cope: What!? What kind of-
Squishy: Continue the attack!
(The fighting goes on. Another crotch hit)
Cope: YAAAAHHH! (Another hit) OOOOOOOH! (Another) SON OF A B***H!
(When the ball swings for the head, the mecha side flips over so the crotch is hit again)
Cope: GEEEEEEEEEE! Why did you do that!?
Squishy: The head is the most important part. Besides, the crotch is the most well-protected spot on this mecha.
Cope: Well-Protected!? MY A**! (Hit again) YEEEOOOOOOOWW!
(This sort of thing goes on for a while until both bots standoff. Inside, Cope is curled up on the floor in agony)
Cope: Y-y-you b****rd….. I'm going to f***ing kill you for this… F***ing kill you!
Squishy: You're doing fine, Alex. The Pain-O-Meter is now full.
Cope: Pain-O-Meter!?
Squishy: Yeah. It's what's needed to unleash this thing's powerful attacks. You were an excellent reservoir for it.
Cope: WHAAAAT!? You had me set up from the very start! You deranged pile of-!
Squishy: POWER UP!
(Pushes a button. The mecha pulls back and glows and hums with an immense light. It then does some more staff twirlings and points at the ball. A sweat drop appears on the Doom's head. Then to DBZ music, the mecha flies at the ball and starts beating the living s**t out of it. At times it unleashes special attacks such as)
Sylvia: FRONTAL EXPOSURE!
(Where the ball gets slammed by a powered chest, or)
Jo: OMEGA PINKIE OF DOOOOOOM!
(In which the ball gets smacked in the head by a glowing pinkie. Soon the ball is dazed, then the mecha raises its staff over its head and collects energy)
All: ALL-PIERCING STAFF OF LIGHT!
(The staff is rammed into the ball and there's a blinding flash. When all can be seen, we see some of the mirror slabs gone and the station core is visible)
Sylvia: Hooray! The core is open!
Anna: Now let's blow this thing and go home! Huh?
(Suddenly more mirror slabs cover the hole and the Doom regains itself. It makes chortling noises)
Jo: WTF!? How can it be!?
Sara: Ah no, son! All that effort!
Sylvia: All that yelling…
Cope: My ability to reproduce, you a**-hole!
Will: What do we do now!?
Squishy: Calm down, guys! I know things look bad, but there is a solution. Obviously we've been doing this the wrong way. Staves don't decimate disco balls: hammers do.
Anna: What're you talking about?
Squishy: I believe it's time for us to don the PANTS OF DESTINY!
Cope: The what!?
(Outside, the mecha raises its arms and summons a large pair of pants over it. Then the pants descend and fuse with the mecha in a bright light)
Chris: What's this? Oh, man… (Puts back on bow tie and gets microphone) When our great heroes of fabulosity don the Pants of Destiny, they transform into the mightiest galactic being of devastation that any generation will instantly recognize!
(The ball starts charging up a large laser and fires at the mecha. Then a huge black hand rises up and absorbs the laser in itspalm)
?: Oh-no-you-just-did-n't!
(Pull back to reveal the massive pimpness that is the great M.C. Hammer!)
Hammer: No one shoots at: The Hammer!
(Expletives rise up from all over the galaxy at such a summoning)
Ackbar: What sort of preposterous f***-up nonsense is going on out there!?
Tech. Off: See? Told ya it was to be used in extreme circumstances.
(On the M.C.)
Jo: Squishy, what the f**k did you do to us!?
Anna: Yeah! Why the f**k are we MC Hammer!?
Squishy: Because only the Hammer can handle this situation, since a disco ball's greatest fear is of a black man in parachute pants.
Will: That's the dumbest s**t I ever heard!
Sara: Will!
Sylvia: Sorry, Squishy. My sense of reason and logic won't have me vouch for you on this. Plus, I think you're f**king nuts.
Squishy: No matter. MC HAMMER! SHAKE THAT FUNKY!
Hammer: Ahhhhhhh Yeah!
(Using his parachute pants, the Hammer shoots forward and comes face to face with the ball. The ball tries to punch, but they're all deflected by quick slaps from the mix master. Then he gets jiggy with it to duck and leap around lasers. The Hammer ends up next to the ball, where he pulls a cord out of his head and rams it into the Doom's head. In the Hammer)
Squishy: It all ends here, sucka!
(Pulls out a golden disk)
Anna: What, pray tell, is that?
Squishy: Just the groove needed to get this train a-chuggin' along.
Cope: Dumb-a**...
Squishy: Now then... (inserts disk) Show us your moves, MC!
Hammer: Without delay, little man!
("Can't Touch This" plays and the Hammer starts grooving. The ball also grooves and mimics the Hammer's moves and gestures. As the song goes on, the quick movements and body friction is causing mirror slabs to fall off the ball. Soon there is a neat hole showing the station)
Chris: Guys! Your gay-a** outdated dancing is actually working! There's an opening to the core!
Squishy: Then we don't have much time. Everyone, ready for Double Penetration Delta.
Cope: The what!?
(The Hammer swings to the front of the ball and holds it tight. Then the grabs the nerd staff and brings it down to his waist)
Cope: What's going on!?
Squishy: Hold on tight! Hit it, Hammer!
Hammer: (Girly) Heeee HEEEEEEEE! (Hammer rams forward)
Cope: (Raising up hands) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(The icon rams hard into the shocked ball with a mighty pelvic thrust, and replays two more times. Then everything goes still as there is an immense, blinding light. When vision has returned, we see mirror particles and space scrap where the two fighters were. Amidst the junk are the ships that made the mecha and staff, now separated and floating around lazily. On board the Century Sparrow II, Squishy and Sylvia get up off the floor)
Sylvia: Ugh… My chest…
Squishy: Hey, the ball is gone. The disco ball is gone! Whoopee! (Into a comm) Guys! Are you alright? We just killed that mother humper! Do you copy?
Jo: Yeah, I'm here. About bloody time, I say.
Sara: We're fine here. Right, Will?
Will: I still say all that stuff was really gay…
Anna: Buck up, chum. At least we're alive over here.
Cope: I'm still alive? Of course, I still need to kill you for what you did to me!
Ted: Man, what a bumpy ride that was.
Bill: My head…
John: Me arms….
Hugo: You know, I just saw God back there.
Ted: Naw, I think you just saw the Hammer's d-
Chris: Great job, guys! The disco ball of death is gone and you're all in one piece!
Cope: Somewhat, anyways…
Chris: Now hurry back to Home One. I managed to save enough tequila from the last cruiser to get everyone s**t-faced!
Fleet: YAAAY!
Ackbar: Not just yet, General.
Chris: Huh? Why not? It's party time!
Ackbar: No it's not. This isn't over.
Tech. Off.: What do you me-… Oh, right! Mon Calamari!
John: Dude! All this action made me forget! Dude!
Ackbar: We have to return to Coruscant and resupply. Then we've got to debrief, rest and move out the entire Republic fleet as fast as possible. A statement must be made first, of course. Now everyone, return to Home One and your respected stations immediately.
Squishy: Right, sir. We're on our way.
Will: No more wasting time. There's still a nutjob to take down.
Jo: That's for sure.
Cope: And once we get on the cruiser, I'll kill you, Squishy.
Ackbar: Prep the memory wipe chamber for Mr. Copeland's arrival.
Cope: What? No! Don't deprive me of my one true happiness! NOOOO!
(All goes dark. Then show a dark stage, where Ackbar walks up to a podium and gives an announcement. As he's talking, we see clips of preparations for war, in the barracks and the shipyards, aboard Jawa Home and other capital ships, soldiers suiting up and getting armed. All this is set to Gears of War 2's "Armored Prayer")
My dear Republic. It pains me to have to remind you of the dire events of past. At 4:51 p.m. two days ago, the entire population of Mon Calamari was spontaneously removed from the planet and into the recesses of space. Shortly afterwards, an attempt to assassinate me and our decorated General Chris was made. Though I, the general and several others survived this attack, many innocent lives were lost in this attempt. And even more lives were lost in destroying the facility that wished to bring further harm to this galaxy. We know who the enemy is, and that the assassin and the one responsible for Mon Calamari are one and the same. And that enemy... is God himself. Yes, it may be hard to believe, but our very lord and creator has declared war against all galactic life, and will do anything to destroy and smother it. Analysis has proven him to be unstable and incapable of being reasoned with for a peaceful compromise. Which is why I have called the entire Republic fleet to arms in taking back Mon Calamari and sending this being back to the external cosmos, and we are asking for volunteers to aid our cause. Whether or not you accept this situation or refuse to fight based on religious beliefs, let me say this: he is not a caring God.
Not since the days of the Empire has the galaxy seen destruction so great and so discriminatory against all lifeforms. This "God" of ours is looking to match or expand the crimes and oppression of that Empire. Obviously he is a god who has fallen from grace and is looking to take out everything with him. But we can't allow this conquest to go on any longer. This Republic was founded on the beliefs of liberty and freedom for all life in the name of God. And if god wishes to take all that away from us, then he is not the god we have prayed to for our survival. This is but a God of War who wants to bring harm and impose his dictatorial ideals on us all. So we must stand strong and fight this threat to our freedoms! We must stand together and show this "creator" the full force of life's will! For by fighting back in full force can we show this cretin how great our free wills really are! So rush out with all your mights against this heinous foe with everything you got, and remember this:
Though the battle shall be long and strenuous, and that it may be your time to die, the Republic shall live on with the hopes and dreams of free living, as well as memories of your bravery and heroism! For this, citizens of the Republic, our esteemed soldiers and heralds of democracy, shall be…
Our Finest Hour!
(Show the blue sphere that is Mon Calamari. Then to military music the entire Republic fleet goes towards it, steadily clouding the screen. All goes black)
So the war has begun….
Bring it, Mortals.
To be continued...