Later that day. Brian is in the backyard. He digs up Meg's windbreaker. It is all chewed up.
"I just can't ... help myself," he hears a noise and turns around, "Peter! What are you doing there"
Peter is lying in a hammock drinking a lemonade.
"Hiding from Lois. She wants me to teach Stewie to read and I don't want to do it"
"I'm surprised I didn't hear you coming. Especially since there's so much of you"
"That's me. Silent, but deadly. Like a ninja of the night," says Peter.
"A big fat ninja," comments Brian.
"Hey, I resent that. There were fat ninjas"
"Name one"
"Chris Farley, in that movie. What's it called? The one with David Spade"
"They're all with David Spade," replies Brian.
"Not Dirty Work," rebukes Peter.
Brian tosses the windbreaker back into the hole and starts burying it.
"Now if only you had such vast useful knowledge," Brian comments.
"So what'cah doing over there?" asks Peter.
"Oh me? Nothing. Just, burying an old bone"
"Burying an old bone huh"
"For the love of god Peter, no wiener jokes."
"Q-R-S, T-U-V, W-X-Y and Z. Now I know my A, B, Cs woman! You shall all bow down on your knees"
"Very good Stewie. See how fun that was?" says Lois.
"Oh yes, making sounds with my mouth was a real dashing riot. Now let's see you jammer at my behest!" he demands.
"That's enough for today sweetie. You sit here and play while I make you lunch," she walks into the kitchen.
Stewie picks up the book.
Meg enters the kitchen.
"Mom, have you seen my blue windbreaker? I don't know where it is"
"I remember washing it the other day. I hung it on the cloths line to dry ... you sure you didn't just misplace it in your room"
"I already checked there three times. Thanks anyway," replies Meg.
"You're welcome honey"
Peter walks in through the back door.
"Hey Lois"
"Peter honey, what'cha doing?" she asks.
He puts a hotdog in the microwave and presses start.
"Nuking me a wiener"
"No silly, I meant outside"
"Oh, just hanging back and relaxing"
"Honey, have you seen Meg's windbreaker"
"What? The blue one with the yellow letters? No," he replies coyly.
"Blast it!" they hear Stewie call from the living room.
"Oh Peter, could you go help Stewie? I got my hands full"
"Oh geez ... sure thing sweetheart," he covers his hot-dog in ketchup and mustard and grabs his lemonade on the way out after having plopped a few ice cubes in it.
Stewie tosses the book away.
"Confound you! You paper ridden abomination!" Stewie shouts out.
Peter picks it up.
"I say, you! Fat man, I demand you pick that thing up and read it to me"
"Ah, Stewie don't give up. The Griffins aren't quitters. You'll get it. It'll just take some time," he sits on the couch.
Stewie eyes him wickedly, "Well! I don't have all day. Soon I'll be forced to take a nap"
"Agh ... you want me to read this, don't you"
"No, actually, I was hoping you could cut it open, stuff and bake it. Of course I want you to read it"
Peter sets his glass aside and examines the book.
"What is this? The Itsy Bitsy Spider. Well, here we go ... The Itsy Bitsy Spider," he turns the page, "all rights reserved. No part of this book ... wait - silly me. Now, here we go ... The Itsy Bitsy Spider crawled up the waterspout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Geez, how long is this going to take? The ice cues are already starting to melt"
"Crawled up the water spout? Clever chap. The rain is a metaphor I believe, for the harsh realities of life. Hmmm ... I shall require more time to ponder this. Be gone I say"
"Thank goodness. You have fun," and Peter goes back outside.
"Now how exactly did this Itsy Bitsy Spider make his way up a long dark and dank wet tube? Seems there is more to be learned from this character. This shall require further reading," he opens the book and starts sounding the letters out.
Brian walks in and sits on the couch. He turns the television on with the remote.
"Just what the hell do you think you are doing? Can't you see I'm trying to study here!" Stewie blasts Brian.
"Relax there Pinky. Gosh you're wound up awfully tight for a one year old. You could use a drink"
"I am trying to read mangy mongrel"
Brian listens to Stewie sound out the letters.
"You might want to heavily emphasize 'try"
"Oh, aren't you so posh for a family member who takes a dump in the sand"
"At least I can spell sand," retorts Brian.
"That was an ipsedixit remark, I can too! Let me see ... C"
Brian makes a buzzer noise with his mouth followed by, "wrong"
"Now hold on. That was just a warm up. Sand ... I suppose that's an "S". Sound it out ... S ... E, S"
"Nope"
"Blast!"
Peter lays down on the hammock and drinks his lemonade. He puts the hot-dog, which is on a paper plate, on his stomach.
A bee starts buzzing around his head.
"Oh, darnit. shoo!" it still buzzes, "No! Go away. Stop it! Stop it!" he uses his right hand to swipe at the bee quickly and without realizing it, tosses the hot-dog through the air. Suddenly his lemonade spills.
"Drat. Look at me, I'm all wet! They'll think I've wet my pants again," he gets up. The bee is gone. "Well, that takes care of that. Guess I showed him who's the boss"
He looks straight ahead in horror. The ketchup and mustard covered hot-dog had smacked into and smeared another one of Meg's sweaters.
"Uh oh ... just calm down Peter," he tucks the sweater down his pants.
Brian refills his martini glass. He caps the bottle and puts it away. Just as he is about to leave the kitchen, Peter walks in. He had put the shirt over his crotch and now has a big bulge.
"Peter! Oh my..." Lois stops the dish washing.
"Sweet lord!" says Brian. Peter walks out with a smile. "I have got to cut back on these"
Peter goes to the bathroom and closes and locks the door. He takes out the sweater and starts washing it in the sink. Finally after several minutes he gives up.
"It's no good. Boy, I really wish I had some of that Oxi-Clean. That Orange Glow is not too bad either. And the Kaboom is fantastic on grease! Wait - what was I doing?" he looks down at the shirt in his hands, "Oh right"
He sprays the bathroom with air freshener. He leaves the bathroom and shoves the sweater under the couch.
"Hey dad," says Chris.
"What! I wasn't doing anything! I swear! You can't prove I did anything! That's hearsay and conjecture. Your Honor, I object! Oh, Chris, ah, what do you want"
"You'll never guess what I found! I was walking down the street and noticed that other houses had mailboxes like ours! Look at all the mail I found!" he holds it up with both hands, "but they all have the wrong names on them"
"Son, other people get mail too. You don't think the Mail Man stops at just our house do you"
"Well, I guess not ... you want me to put it all back"
"You have to, it's a federal offense. You can go to federal prison and get sexually assaulted by guys named "Tiny" and "Skull"
"But I don't want to be sexually assaulted!" says Chris.
"Then go put the mail back. Wait ... you didn't happen to find any of them free Viagra samples did you"
"Just two, but I did find a Playboy. It was all wrapped in black plastic and had a Basketball page put over the front for some reason"
"Just, ah, give me the Viagra and you can keep the Playboy. But don't tell your mother"
"But dad, you'll go to prison and Tiny will have sex with you"
"I'll chance it," Peter replies as he walks off with the Viagra.