She said she would only stay for the summer. It wasn't a lie. That was her intention at first, but things change. Maybe had she changed. She has always loved New York but she had fallen in love with the little town of Bluebell and the people who lived there had swept her away. One, in particular, had swept her off her feet and made her forget how it ever felt to touch the ground again. Wade Kinsella. The only man that she could not escape from in her mind despite how she tried to do so after he drove across the state just to tell her that he loved her. That he loves her. But for some reason, that was not enough. No matter how much she wanted him back, no matter how much she wanted to turn back time, she couldn't. Part of her wished she was still in that bed, encircled in his arms again, like the night before she left for New York but a bigger part of her knew it was a mistake. She knew his betrayal would be something that would haunt her as long as she was with him. She thought she was different from all of the other girls he had been with, that she meant the world to him, but in the end, she was just like everyone else.
Despite all of that, she had begun to move on. It was hard at first, but she met someone incredible in New York, someone she knew wanted her more than anyone else and she was not ready to give that up. Sure, he was a bit of a dork but that is what she liked about him. With him, she knew how much she meant to him, that she never had to worry about him when he was around other girls. With him, she felt secure. Safe. To him, she was the only girl he saw in a room full of people and everyone else might as well cease to exist. What Zoey really wanted was to stay until she knew how their relationship would turn out and she was hoping that this time, it would be better than the last.
Besides, its not like they really needed her in Bluebell. They had Brick. The cranky old physician that had become like a father figure to her in many ways. Although they spent most of their time fighting over who is the better doctor and who gets the practice, at the end of the day, if she needed someone, she knew he was always someone she could go to. But of course, that is only for certain things.
When it came to things that had to deal more with her private life, she would always go to Lavon. Lavon had become her best friend since she first stepped foot in Bluebell. He was the greatest person she had ever met—not to mention, a pretty good cook. She missed waking up every morning to go to Lavon's kitchen to eat what he had made for breakfast. It felt like she lived at a bed and breakfast but better. Lavon was someone she trusted and could always go to no matter what. They still keep in touch from time to time but it wasn't the same. She felt bad for Lavon. Since her break-up with Wade, Lavon had to choose between two of his closest friends. Lavon tried his best to stay neutral, even though it was obvious that he knew what Wade did was a big mistake. One that ruined things between them forever.
Bluebell was a beautiful place, but it brought back terrible memories. Memories, she was not sure she wanted to re-live again. She had left many things unresolved; things that she was still not ready to deal with nor was she able to think of any solutions to her problems. But wouldn't staying in New York be like running away from her problems? Of course it wouldn't. A few months have passed, which made her certain that everything would have resolved itself by now. She is sure Rosie would find someone else she can talk to about all of her problems. George must have made things up with Tansy. But most importantly, Wade must have found someone else by now. There was no way that he waited for her, right? He didn't wait to get home the night he was playing with his band, why would he wait the whole summer for her now?
It was official. She was going to stay in New York. She can still keep in touch with Lavon and if Rosie ever needs her there are plenty of ways to contact her. Lavon could pack up the rest of her things and have it shipped to New York. Brick can have her half of the practice and finally have everything he wanted. Everyone will be better off with Zoey staying in New York and so will she. The only problem left was, how will she tell everyone? Going there herself was too impractical and sending letters would take too long to reach the people of Bluebell. Email, she decided, was probably the best way to contact them. Zoey had gotten most of their emails before she left to keep in contact with them and the ones she didn't, well, she could probably ask Dash or Brick for them. Knowing Dash, he would probably tell most of them for her.
Zoey opened up her email on her phone and typed in the first address. She thought of what to say to them but no words came to mind. "Keep it short and simple," she encouraged herself. Thirty minutes later, she finally sent the e-mail.
"Great," she sighed, "one down, hundreds more to go." Zoey opened a new email and after struggling for another twenty minutes, decided that the easiest route would be to simply do at least a little bit of cut and pasting. Nobody would notice anyways, she comforted herself.
It did not take her long afterwards to have almost all of the emails sent. She had saved the hardest one for last. "Dear Wade," was all she could manage to write. Zoey took a long hard look at the almost blank screen in front of her. All those familiar feelings of hurt and betrayal began to slowly seep through her reserve. Deciding it was best for her to no longer delay the inevitable, she began letting the words she's been wanting to say to him flow out.
"Part of me loves you but," she typed out the first five words but erased it knowing it was the part of her that she wanted to hide forever. She did not want him to know that part of her still existed underneath that thick layer of hurt and betrayal. Nor did she want him to think that he still might have a chance with him. That thought was a dangerous one. One that had made him drive all the way out of Bluebell to talk to her outside of that diner. She vaguely remembered the time she asked Wade what he would do if she moved back to New York, then. At the time, they were still together and even though they had not said it in words, they were falling for each other then. Hard. She remembered her saying that he would look for a place and become a bartender in New York. With her. It was one of the sweetest things she knew he could tell her back then, especially with Wade knowing how much she loved New York. The thought of him coming to New York and becoming a bartender because there may be a chance that the two of them would work things out frightened her.
"I hate you. So much right now. It's been a couple of months since I last spoke to you and saw you outside of Bluebell. Two months and thirteen days to be exact," she continued to write, then pressed the backspace key a few times to erase the last sentence. Had it really been that long since they last saw each other? Even though she knew how much time had passed without even checking the calender to confirm, it felt as if it had been longer. A lot longer. Not that she was keeping track of the time, of course and he didn't need to know even if she did. "I was so happy when I saw you and you told me that you love me but I just can't. I know that my feelings should have changed for you by now but they haven't. I still have feelings for you," she wrote and deleted the last sentence again. "I resent you for what you did in the past. I hate you for going home with that other girl that night. I hate you for ruining what we had and turning all of our good memories together into painful ones that I sometimes wish I could just forget," -at this moment, bitter tears began to stream slowly down her face and instead of wiping them away, she continued to write, swept up completely by the feelings of hurt and bitterness flowing through her again.
"But I can't. Most of all, I hate myself for letting you in. For falling in love with you," she typed the last sentence out slowly then angrily pressed the backspace button to delete the words that she could never to say to him even in person because she could not let herself feel that way about that man anymore."For thinking that I was different from all the other girls you were with before. I hate myself for thinking that I was special and that, things would be different from you and I. That you would not fall back to your old past habits because I was enough for you. But I wasn't. I was stupid to think that I was ever was or that I ever could be. Maybe it was too much to ask for. Maybe I pushed you too hard. I just wanted to be that girl for you. That girl who you went to whenever you were upset because you know I could make you feel better. That girl you couldn't wait to see at night after a long, hard day at work. That girl you would rather be with more than any other girl out there because you never wanted to loose her to anyone else. In the end, I guess I just wasn't her." She paused at the last sentence as the painful truth struck her and made her heart squeeze tighter. Zoey leaned back in her chair as she tried to wipe away some of her tears but they were quickly replaced with new ones. She knew she was not completely over him and it hurt like hell just to think about him. Deep down, she had always known she felt this way but had been hiding from her emotions ever since she got to New York; obsessed with the idea of moving on with her life. and doing everything that she could to forget him, which made the next part much more simple.
"I know we said we could talk when I came back but I don't think I'm ready for that talk. I don't know if I ever will be. One thing is for certain though, is that I'm not going back to Bluebell. I'm staying in New York, I'm sorry. Goodbye, Wade. Take care," she wrote before typing her name at the bottom of the e-mail.
She took a long shaky breath to try to gather her emotions together and clear her thoughts as she hoovered her cursor over the 'send' button. She wiped the remaining tears off her face and felt as if a large weight was lifted off her chest. She felt much better writing all of her emotions out. Zoey stared at the words that were written on the brightly lit laptop screen for a long time before deleting it and closing it, deciding that some things were better left unsaid.