I left any life that I once had behind because I couldn't deal with myself.
And what I did to her.
Sure, I could infiltrate a heavily armed facility with nothing but my cigarettes - completely OSP - destroy an autonomous nuclear launch platform that happens to be all terrain walking battle tank, capable of mass destruction, which could be responsible for the end of the world. Of course I could do that.
But dealing with a woman was a completely different story - especially when it had to do with the "L" word.
Everything had started off well enough. After Shadow Moses, Meryl had joined me at my home in Alaska, and it was great in the beginning. We did a lot of things together, and it was honestly a new experience for me. I have had a fair share of women in my life, all of which had turned out to be romantic disasters. But somehow, everything seemed different when it came to Meryl.
But then my nightmares had started. It was always dark and desolate. The air felt thick and heavy, as if an invisible weight was bearing down on me, and no matter how far I ran, no matter how hard I'd push, I couldn't escape.
And then I'd see his face in front of me, with that smug grin, those piercing eyes...
I knew he was dead, but even in death, he still managed to torture me. He'd lunge at me, grab my throat and strangle the life out of me. I tried to fight back, tried to release his grip, but all I could feel was my body growing limp. And he'd stare into my eyes, his gaze enough to make my hair stand up on end. And he's always say...
"I hate you..."
Those words would penetrate me, run through me like a thousand needles. I gasped for breath, trying my damndest to break free, repeating to myself, "WAKE UP, WAKE UP!" The dream would fade, and as I slowly drifted back to consciousness, his face would still be there. I'd open my eyes, and I could still see it. I could feel myself shaking, my entire body soaked in a cold sweat. And then I'd see Meryl, sleeping next to me. So peaceful...
I envied her.
I had a reoccurring dream, where I was in nothing but black. I couldn't see anything. But I'd hear his voice. Almost taunting...
"Snake..."
Turn left. Nothing.
"Snake..."
Right. Nothing.
"SNAKE!"
All around me, nothing. I'd reach into my holster, grab my gun...
And wake up. With the gun pointed at Meryl.
Yet, all I could see was Liquid.
I heard her voice, but could not see her. I slowly regained myself... My eyes trailed down my arm, my gun in hand, looking down the barrel... to see it pointed directly between Meryl's eyes. And I would come to. I threw the gun and grabbed her, holding her. I felt so horrible to have let something like that happen...
But that wasn't the only time. It had happened several times... I'd see her sleeping, beautiful face... and the ugliness of my actions. She didn't know about those other times.
I tried my best to make it up to her. But somewhere, it never seemed like enough.
I started to feel empty. I felt as if I was on auto-pilot, numb to everything around me. I never got any thrill or mild satisfaction out of doing anything. I couldn't bring myself to work out, or play with the dogs... or please Meryl. I wasn't myself. And Meryl was introduced to this empty shell. Alcohol seemed to be the only solution.
I had taken my grief out on myself. Going out and binge drinking, coming home late at night, sometimes early in the morning. I was destroying myself. I knew it. And Meryl knew it. But I could never admit that out loud.
I'd come home, stumbling and tripping over myself... Not very becoming of a so-called "legendary soldier."
I went into the bathroom, feeling sick to my stomach. And it wasn't entirely the alcohol to blame. I leaned over the bathroom sink, trying to catch my breath; trying to regain any composure I may have had left. I felt like breaking down.
And in my moment of weakness, I caught myself staring into the mirror. Sometimes, I felt like slamming my fist into that mirror... But even I couldn't bring myself to destroy something whose only crime was reflecting too much honesty of what was before it.
And that honesty is what sickened me the most.
I felt as if I was losing myself. All I wanted was to know who I am. But apparently that was too much to ask.
I came to a realization - I had no clue who I was....
That being the case... how in the hell could I ever expect her to know?
How could I expect her to understand?
And how could I expect her to care?
I know she cared about me. I did. There was never any doubt it my mind. But maybe I just couldn't accept it. How she could she ever to love such a beast?
I had had a confrontation with Meryl after a long night of drinking. She interrogated me, and I kept my answers to a minimum. She pleaded with me, telling me she wanted to understand, and to let her in. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. I know what I would show her would scare her. So I went upstairs, slamming the bedroom door and falling onto the bed, clutching my head. I had a terrible headache.
I must have fell asleep, because I remember getting up out of the bed... but the next thing I remember is burning pain. I clutched my face. I was standing in front of the kitchen counter, seeing Meryl standing there, mug in hand. Tea. She threw hot tea at me. I knew by her terrified expression that I had done something awful.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" she screamed at me.
"What? Meryl, I-"
"Get away from me! I don't know who you are anymore!" she yelled as she stormed out of the kitchen. And I felt sick to my stomach. Her words crushed me.
What had I done?
I slept on the couch that night, too ashamed to show my face around her.
The next few days were spent away from eachother. I tried to do things to keep my mind occupied, but I kept thinking about how much I must have hurt her without even realizing it. I spent a lot of time with the dogs because I felt that they didn't judge me. They provided the company I needed.
But I knew what I had to do.
I went to town the next morning, and purchased a promise ring for Meryl. She needed to know how I felt. That I was sorry for all of the horrible things I had done, and for dragging her down with me. I knew that maybe the ring was a crappy representation of what I really needed to communicate to her, but I felt that this gift was a material, legitimate symbol that would show that what I felt was real. It provided for me some sort of gratification. I bought her flowers also, and went back to the house. I opened the door and thought to myself, exactly what to say. And then I saw her standing on the steps, looking more radiant to me than ever. She walked to me.
"Meryl..." I whispered.
She silenced me with a finger to my lips. She looked deeply into my eyes and I had to embrace her, to hold her once again. And it felt good. We spent the whole night together, and that felt even better.
But even when I seemed to be peaceful awake, it all came back when I went to sleep. I still heard him, I still saw him... taunting me. He told me I'd never be happy. That it was all my fault. To leave. To run. And never come back. My eyes shot open, hearing the echo of his voice.
"Run..."
And I did. I slipped out of bed as silently as I could. I watched her sleep for a few moments. She looked so beautiful. I knew what I was leaving behind, but nothing could stop me. I needed to leave. I gathered clothes in a duffel bag and left. I opened the door to see the sun rising. I went to the dogs and released them. I knew they'd be fine on their own. I could feel that they felt confused, but I knew they understood. I reached into my pocket and grabbed the ring. I stared at it, sitting in the palm of my hand. This little thing represented my future, my future with Meryl. And I threw it, as hard as I could. Now it would be lost forever, taken by the snow. I took one last long look at the house, and went on my way. I left the house, left the state. And left any chance that I had of a happy future with Meryl.
I had left her a note before my departure. And the only thing that I could write was, "I'm sorry."
I knew that it wasn't enough. Those two words could never make up for everything I ever did to her, everything I put her through. I never expected her to forgive me. And frankly, I didn't want it. I didn't deserve it.
On the plane, I slept. I couldn't even bring myself to enjoy the view. When I got off the plane, Otacon was there. He asked no questions, but I think he knew. At his place, all I seemed to be able to do was sleep. And he left me alone for the most part. I stayed away from alcohol, partially because the one time I had it, Otacon tore it out of my hands. I felt like pummeling him, but I restrained myself.
After a while, Otacon had had enough, and brought his concerns to me. He stated that with what we knew, we needed to do something about it. And thus, the beginning of the Philanthropy. Philanthropy gave me purpose; it gave me a need to protect people. And when we were presented with a mission involving the development of a new Metal Gear on a tanker in Manhattan, I had to act and bring myself up, out of this hell that I had been living. I had spent too much time holed up in Alaska, drinking too much. I refused to let the world feel the pain that I had felt for so long, because no one, no matter how much they probably deserved it, should have to feel it. My thoughts always drifted to Meryl, and in my dreams, I'd see her sometimes. It came as a relief to me, seeing someone other than Liquid, who tormented me in my sleep. Thoughts of her were what kept me going most of the time. It almost felt as if she was my guardian angel, because she was the only one who was able to vanquish Liquid in my dreams.
I always felt regret nagging at me for leaving her. But I knew that we'd meet again someday... maybe when things were different, when the world was a better place.
There was a war coming... I could feel it. I didn't know when or how it would happen, but I knew that it was going to be a long and difficult struggle.
And I would keep going until the end, or die trying.
Maybe she could find it in her heart to forgive me...