*click, then subdued static for a few seconds*
*a slight huff, a tentative patter of fingers near the device*
"I think... I think I got it..."
*audible swallow, followed by a heavy sigh*
"I can't believe I'm doing this... It isn't any different than before though.. Right? It was just like him to preserve his thoughts just as I am n-now, so there's something we, we share in common, I guess.. Oof, well, hello.. Makin' another one of these recordings again, just to, just to...
I guess...
Just to disgorge my thoughts and try to get my head straight again. There's been so many ch-changes that I can't handle very well; change that wasn't brought about by the likes of me was always difficult to deal with.. It always ended in someone... Suffering. It all ends in suffering.. And while I used to be one who enjoyed the suffering of others, now it's all so, so horrible.. Everything feels wrong, and I guess I don't like it because the one suffering this time is me..
But I'm just rambling, I'm not making any sense and my head's goin' in loops like always and it's so hard to think.. I guess lately there's been this fog around me, like the air is just so heavy that I feel it weighing down on my shoulders, gravity is so strong that it's hard to get up when I fall down.."
*forceful yet shaky breath*
"A-Anyways. That's a wonderful way to start off, eh? With some sappy shit that doesn't make one inch of sense.. Haven't even said what day it is or nothin'.. Well, it's January now, been like a week since my last recording, uhm.. New Years was spent alone, like always... Didn't even have my dog this time around, I, I had to give up Barkley cuz he was sick from a year of neglect and I don't have the cash or heart to suffer through his recovery with 'im.. But it doesn't matter, even when people lived in this house I was alone, secluded and put away from everyone else.. My parents didn't want me around, so, so I spent a lot of time away from other humans up in my room, and I guess.. I guess I never gave up the habit, even when I had children to take care of, er, he had children to take care of...
So yeah, always alone.. At least this way there's no one to see when, when.. When I c-cry myself to sleep at night or when I have horrible nightmares and the air is filled with my sc-screams...
Oh... Oh g-gosh, I shouldn't have said anything, why did I just admit that, this is so horrible, I'm so horrible.. I shouldn't have said a word, now you're gonna think I'm some depressive punk or some sorta attention seeker, like I'm just making this up just to get pity, just to hear the shit come outta my mouth like... O-Oh gosh.."
*a suppressed whine, strained breathing*
*silence, only a slight hum and faint wheezing in the background*
"I-I'm okay! Just tryin' not to turn into a fucking sobbing mess like always, it's fine, I've done it a million times, I'm a pro at this.. Oh... I guess I'm in one of those kinds of moods today, like, sometimes it just feels like I'm in a dream, or a, a nightmare but, I'm awake.. I'm..
I'm awake right? This is all real right? Right?"
*sudden laughing which quickly turns into wheezing*
*sound of something slapping wood, three times in succession*
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry.."
*sharp inhale*
*a moment of silence*
"Hokay, I think... I think it's over, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to scream, I'm not going to, to have a mental breakdown or anythin', just pull yourself together Willia-a-ah I mean Dave, fuck, can't even remember my own name, can't even think for myself without messing everythin' up...!
... Everyday.. Everyday I just get worse, I think.. My health just drops like a jagged incline and I can't do nothing about it, and I hate it hate it hate it hate it, I hate everything so much!
But they say, they say 'it's bad to bottle up your emotions Davie, it's bad to hold everything in, have you been doin' that Davie? Have you been ignoring people who can help you, been crying when you're all alone even after everything we've done to help you, you ungrateful bitch?! Be happy that you're still alive, be happy the fuckin' springlocks didn't end you when you should have ended and happy that someone was there to save you and drop a huge hospital bill you can't pay in a thousand years on your back! Aren't you happy, huh? Well you better fucking fake it then, no one will care about you if you're weak, no one will, no one will love you, you're stuck with your failing health until you die alone, you MURDERER!'"
*a sudden loud wail, one filled with so much raw emotion, like someone just sliced a deep wound into his heart*
*something slamming on wood followed by wretched sobbing*
"I can't do this!"
*his voice is interspersed with hitches of breath and whimpering*
"I can't do this w-when everyone stares at me like that and everyone calls me a freak and everyone knows, why do they look at me like they know?! It wasn't me, their eyes all say I'm guilty guilty guilty but it wasn't me! Please, it wasn't me, I-I'm someone else now, it wasn't me it was him, please please please, stop, stop staring at me! Stop looking at me! STOP IT!"
*a scream, followed by a burst of static and a small click*
The only reason you didn't get this yesterday is because I forgot lol. Also, I think Davie is starting to like hear voices in his head and stuff, that's no bueno!