1. I will not tell the first years, who are waiting to be sorted, that in order to be sorted, you must confess your deepest secrets aloud while wearing the hat.
Hermione Granger was nervous. She had every right to be, really. After all, it's not every day that she actively took part in rule breaking for no good reason. Truthfully, she had no idea why she was doing this; what could be gained? But doing it she was, and so she sat in the Great Hall with Ron, Fred, Ginny, and Harry - waiting...
Her leg was jiggling with nerves, and she couldn't resist the odd glance back at the double doors every now and then. Ron rolled his eyes. "Would you relax? Everything is going to be fine."
"He's not back yet," she muttered, her eyes wide with worry. "He should be back by now."
"He's fine, Hermione."
"What if he's been caught? What if we're in trouble? What if-"
"Hermione, if you keep acting like we should be in trouble, then they'll catch us," Fred said with a roll of his eyes. "Just calm down. Relax. Everything will be just fine."
"But-"
Hermione was interrupted, however, as George slipped into a seat beside his twin. "You get it?" Fred asked, raising a brow.
"Easy," George said, dropping a wink.
Hermione, though, was still concerned. "But-"
She was cut off, however, as the double doors opened and McGonagall entered, leading the first years waiting to be sorted into the room. They paraded down the center aisle and up to the head table. McGonagall set the stool and the sorting hat down, and before long, she began calling out names. "Anderson, Maria."
A timid little Spanish girl stepped to the hat, reached up, placed it on her head, and - "I sleep with a nightlight!" she shrieked, much to the surprise of the crowd.
The rest of the hall burst out laughing, surprised by Maria's unnecessary admission. The hat declared her a Hufflepuff, though, so with pursed lips, McGonagall ignored her outcry and called up the next student, "Atticus, Carl."
One by one, the students went up, confessing secrets like stealing from their parents, bullying their siblings, and cheating on their girlfriends. "Cheating?" Ron scoffed. "With what? A bloody kiss? They're eleven."
"That's it!" McGonagall snapped, glaring at the first years. Mandy Klein had just admitted to breaking her brother's bicycle, and that was apparently enough for the Transfiguration professor. "What are you doing?"
"Being sorted," Mandy muttered, her cheeks turning red.
"Why are you saying these... things?"
"Someone told us to," a brave boy from the lineup said, stepping forward. "He said that in order to be sorted into the correct house, we had to confess a deep secret while we were wearing the hat."
McGonagall's nostrils flared. "Who told you such stupidity?"
The boy shrugged. "He said his name was Draco Malfoy."
2. Staring a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making scheme.
Umbridge entered her classroom on the first day of classes to find her current students - the fifth years - all huddled around a desk, staring down at something. Well that certainly won't do, Umbridge thought to herself. She hurried forward, broke into their circle, and snatched the paper away from them. A redhead boy protested, but she cut him off. "Now, now. We don't keep any secrets in this classroom," she said in her too sweet voice.
Glancing down, she began to read the parchment, and then she froze, her eyes growing wide.
How will the curse take out Umbridge?
-Trampled by a Hippogriff: F & G Weasley
-Sacked: G Weasley, Patil, Patil, F & G Weasley, Granger
-Set on fire: Thomas, Finch-Fletchley, Longbottom
-Turns out to be one of Voldemort's Minions: R Weasley, Potter
-Poisoned: Lovegood, Jordan
-Death by Basilisk: Johnson, Bell, Abott
-Resignation: Granger, Brown, Spinnet
-Potions accident: Potter, Longbottom, Jordan
-Gruesome beheading: Jordan, F & G Weasley, G Weasley, Patil
-Murdered by Snape: R Weasley, Finnigan
-Other: Potter, R Weasley, Granger, Thomas, Lovegood, Bell, Spinnet, Jordan, Finnigan
Umbridge looked up at the smiling students staring back at her, terror flowing through her body.
3. Asking "When are we going to learn to saw a lady in half?" is not appropriate.
Ginny sat in the back of her first Transfiguration class of the year as McGonagall began her customary speech about turning in homework and studying for the exams. It was a terribly dull speech - sure, it had been rather intimidating the first time she'd heard it, but the fourth time? No, it was more annoying than anything.
"I expect nothing less than perfection from all of you," she said briskly, her voice coming out rough. "You're fourth years now. It's time to start paying attention and studying. It won't be long before your OWLs arrive, and then you must make a decision about your career paths. I suggest you start thinking about them now..." she trailed off as a hand shot into the air. McGonagall gave a sigh, but called on the girl anyway. It was Ginny Weasley, after all. How bad could it be? "Yes, Miss Weasley?"
"Professor, when are we going to learn how to saw a lady in half?"
McGonagall's eyebrows shot up. Apparently, it could be very bad.
4. I am not allowed to hand out red shirts to all of the DADA professors and say they are standard uniform.
Hermione took a deep breath, clutching the red collared shirt to her chest. She could do this. It was the beginning of the year - Umbridge wouldn't know her name yet. She wouldn't get in trouble. She could do this!
With new resolve, she pushed through the door and strode quickly into Umbridge's classroom. The old toad looked up as she entered, a sickeningly sweet smile on her face. "Yes, my dear?"
"Here you go, Professor," Hermione said, thrusting the shirt into the lady's arms.
Umbridge blinked, looking down at the shirt disdainfully. "Um... my dear, what is-"
"It's your uniform," Hermione said quickly, raising her chin. She hoped desperately that she looked confident. "All Defense teachers must wear them."
"I don't understand-"
"The red shirt means you're dispensable. As all of our Defense teachers are," Hermione said with a nod. Then she turned on her heel and hurried out of the room before a horror-stricken Umbridge could regain her composure.
5. I will not hum the Darth Vader theme whenever Snape enters the room.
The door to the potions classroom slammed open, and Snape swept into the room. His dark eyes were set straight ahead, a glare on his face. His robes billowed ominously behind him as he made his way to the front of the room, and a hush fell over his fifth year students as they prepared for their first potions class of the year-
"Dun dun dun dun da-dun dun da-dun."
Snape stopped, his eyes darting quickly to the sides. He searched for the culprit of the noise, but the moment he stopped walking, the humming stopped too. Cautiously, he began to move once more.
"Dun dun dun dun da-dun dun da-dun."
This time, however, Snape knew exactly where the noise was coming from. "Thirty points from Gryffindor each, Mr. Weasley and Mr. Potter. And if I hear your voices again today, I'll take thirty more."
6. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts, and I am not its founder.
"Step right up! One and all!"
"Come and join our new house: the Procro house!"
"It's for everyone! The tall!"
"The short!"
"The brave!"
"The cowardly!"
"The Gryffindors!"
"The... Well, it's not really for the Slytherins. It's for everyone but the Slytherins."
"So if you're not a Slytherin, come on down!"
"You cannot create your own house," McGonagall said, snatching the flyers from Fred and George's hands. "That is not allowed."
"But Professor," George protested. "We're trying to unite the school-"
"-under one house that has one unified goal!"
"Really? And what might that goal be?"
Fred and George exchanged glances and smiled. "Procrastination," they said together.
"No!"
7. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "get a room" whenever they start to fight.
"You can't just order them about, Ron!" Hermione said with a glare as the trio climbed a staircase on their way to Charms.
"They're first years, Hermione! It doesn't matter-"
"They're still people! Just because they're younger than us, that doesn't mean their feelings don't matter!"
"Would you two stop bickering please?" Harry muttered. "It's right annoying."
But his friends just ignored them. "I'm a prefect, Hermione. I have every right to tell the first years to go to bed-"
"If they're out past curfew. But if they're just sitting in the common room playing exploding snap, then no you don't!"
"They were being loud!"
"It doesn't matter!"
"But-"
"No!"
"Hermione!"
"No!"
"I-"
"No!"
"Oh will you two just get a room already!" Harry shouted, before storming off in the direction of the classroom and leaving his two bewildered best friends behind.
8. I will not teach first years how to play chicken with the Whomping Willow.
Ginny walked out to the front lawn one Saturday to find Fred and George sitting in the grass, staring off into the distance, and laughing hysterically. She raised an eyebrow. This can't be good, she thought to herself as she made her way down to them. "What are you two doing?" she asked, putting her hands on her hips.
Fred and George, however, did not cease their laughter. Instead, they pointed off to the right, where the Whomping Willow stood...
Ginny let out a groan, for there stood three idiot first year Gryffindors. They were all trying to get as close as possible to the Whomping Willow without getting hurt. "What did you do?"
"We taught them how to play chicken," Fred said with a life.
"It's quite amusing," George added.
As one first year got smacked from behind, however, all Ginny could do was shake her head. "Idiots."
Fred's brow furrowed. "Them or us?"
"Both."
9. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
"Professor, I have a question I need to ask you," Hermione said, swallowing slightly. It was one thing to pull one of Fred and George's joke on Umbridge, it was another thing entirely to do so to Snape.
He raised an eyebrow, clearly dreading her question. "What, Miss Granger?"
Hermione took a deep breath, suddenly grateful that she had waited until after class ended. "Are we going to learn how to make Potion Number Nine this year?"
Snape blinked, surprised. "What?"
"It's a love potion," she continued, a faint blush raising to her cheeks. Great, she thought. Now he's going to think I'm too pathetic to get a date on my own. "Love Potion Number Nine."
To her surprise, however, Snape rolled his eyes. "I never would have pegged you as one to make jokes, Miss Granger."
She was taken aback by his lack of hostility. "What?"
"Love Potion Number Nine? The muggle song, yes? By the Clovers?"
"How did you-"
"I did grow up in a muggle town, Miss Granger," Snape said with a shake of his head. "And you'd do well to remember that before you try any such prank again."
"Yes Professor," Hermione said, her voice raising an octave.
"Five points from Gryffindor," Snape said. Then he shook his head. "I should take off more than that, but it's not often muggle music is so poorly quoted to me. I find it amusing." Then his eyes narrowed. "However I won't find it amusing a second time. Is that clear?" She gave a quick nod. "Good. Now leave my sight."
10. I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
"What is it?"
"What's that squiggly line? We've never used that squiggly line!"
"Sin? What does sinning have to do with arithmancy?"
"I don't like this... Too many letters... There aren't supposed to be letters in this course, Granger!"
"It's not that bad," Hermione said with a roll of her eyes. However her classmates continued to converse as though she hadn't spoken about the evils of her Calculus book.
"It has to go! We have to get rid of it."
"I say we burn it!"
"Whoa, now. Wait a minute-" Hermione protested. But it was too late. The angry arithmancy students were already tearing the book apart, throwing the pages in the air, and setting them ablaze. All Hermione could do was watch in horror. Her jaw tweaked as she glared at her classmates. "Fred and George owe me a new book," she muttered.
So here we go; the first official chapter of the rewrite is here! I hope you guys enjoy it! For all of the old fans out there, there's a new one this chapter - see if you can spot it!
Now which one was your favorite? I have to say, I really enjoyed writing numbers 6, 7, 9, and 10. What about you?
Thank you all for the reviews! They really do keep me writing, and I appreciate each and every one of them! Thank you!
I'll have the next update out in a few days, so look out for it!
-Selene