South Park: Legend of Zaron – A South Park: The Stick of Truth Novelization Fanfiction by Fireball Dragon

Chapter #2: Failure and Exile! Retrieve the Three Strongest Warriors!

South Park belongs to Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Comedy Central.

South Park: The Stick of Truth belongs to Obsidian Entertainment, South Park Digital Studios, and Ubisoft.

I only own the custom-made persona used for the New Kid.

As Gale followed Cartman into the war tent, Gale saw a small light shining over a small pedestal. On top of the pedestal was… a stick. He had absolutely no idea why something like a mere stick would be displayed in such a manner. But then, Cartman spoke.

"Well, here it is," He explained." The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die... The Stick of Truth."

Gale was quite surprised at first, but then he realized that this must be all part of the game and its story. From what little info he could gather, he pieced together that the main plot behind this LARP is that humans and elves are fighting each other over a stick.

"Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves," continued Cartman. "Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe."

"So that's the object of the game?" Inquired Gale. "Take the Stick and try to keep it?" "Well, if you wanna fucking break character, then yeah." Cartman retorted, annoyed at Gale's bluntness. However, Gale couldn't help but stare at the Stick quizzically.

"Don't gaze at it too long!" Cartman warned Gale. "For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!" Deciding to play along to appease Cartman, Gale turned his head and shielded his eyes with his arm.

"Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your dues." Explained Cartman. "Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety-five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductable-"

But just then, he was interrupted by the sound of an alarm going off. Or rather, Butters shouting "ALARM! ALARM ALARM!" at the top of his lungs.

"Someone has sounded the alarm!" Cartman blurted out. Butters ran into the war tent, shock and horror written across his face. "Alarm alarm alarm!"

"What is it!?" Cartman asked. "The elves are attacking!" Replied Butters. "Oh my GOD! Defensive positions!" Ordered Cartman. He and Butters ran outside to fight the invading elf forces. Gale unsheathed his sword, and went outside, readying himself for battle.

Outside, Gale and the people of Kupa Keep could see several elven soldiers marching towards the backyard gate. They appeared to be led by a boy with blonde curly hair. Cartman ordered his troops to mount a defense around the fortress.

"Man the gate! Don't let them through!" "Who the hell is that?" Gale asked, inquiring about the blonde elf. "Chris Donnely," Cartman answered. "He's one of the elven captains." Just then, Donnely gave out his demands. "Give us the Stick, humans!" But Cartman wouldn't have any of it. "Fuck you, Drow Elf! Come and get it!"

"You just said not to let them through!" Gale said in shock. "Why the fuck are you egging them on!?" "Shut up!" Cartman retorted before turning to Clyde. "Clyde, guard the Stick of Truth while we defend the fortress!"

"Aye aye!" Clyde replied, running off to the war tent, where the Stick lied. "Aye aye? We're not playing PIRATES, Clyde!" Cartman reprimanded. He then turned to Gale. "Gale, this is your chance to prove yourself. Hold off the asshole elves at all costs!"

Raising his Warrior's Blade, Gale readied himself for battle. "Right!" He then charged into the battlefield, preparing for his first proper fight against Drow Elves. "Do it, Gale!" Cartman cheered. "Kick these elves' asses!"

As Gale entered the fray, he was met with an onslaught of arrows fired from elven bows. "Agh! Son of a bitch!" He cried. But Cartman decided to step in. "You're wounded, Gale! Potions will heal you! Here!" He then tossed a bag of Cheesy Poofs to Gale. Catching it in his hands, Gale then immediately ate them.

"The rules say you can have one potion every turn." Cartman explained. "I asked for five but this was the compromise." Just then, Gale saw an Elven Defender preparing to strike him. Luckily, Cartman was quick with instructions. "This guy's fast, Gale. Try to block all his attacks." Gale did as he was told, and blocked the Defender's attacks with ease.

The Defender had put too much energy into his attacks. He had ended up tiring himself out far too early. Gale then took this opportunity to counterattack, his blade swinging into his enemy's weak and helpless body.

Cartman was elated at Gale's success. "Awesome! You kicked his helpless ass!" He cheered. "Now finish off these elves in the name of the Wizard King." Gale simply nodded, and charged into his enemies, sword swinging. An Elven Bowman tried to mark him, but Gale wasn't falling for that again, and knocked the elf's bow out of his hands.

The Bowman and the Defender had no choice but to retreat, and at that moment, Cartman saw the bow lying at Gale's feet.

"Gale! The elf's bow! Take it!" Gale was surprised. "What? You want me to take that guy's bow for myself?" Cartman was annoyed at his dumbfounded response. "No shit Sherlock, isn't that what I just said?" He chided. "Take the goddamn bow! Your king commands it!"

Feeling a little guilty about taking his enemy's weapon, Gale decided to just take the bow anyway, and prepared to finish off the remaining elven forces.

Try as the Drow Elves might, they could not stand up to Gale and the rest of Kupa Keep's soldiers, as they were ready for any and all of the elves' tricks. Riposting, Reflecting, Shields, or Armor, nothing the elves tried worked. They had no choice but to retreat.

"Drow Elves! Fall back! Fall back, I say!" Donnely cried. They obeyed, and ran away like a bunch of fucking pussies. Cartman was gloating with laughter as his kingdom's victory.

"YES! Awesome, dude! TAKE THAT YOU ASSHOLE ELVES! Better luck next time! NA NA NA NAAA NA! We still control the universe! HA HA HA HA HAAA HA!"

But just then, Clyde came back with horrible news. "It's gone." Cartman was shocked. "What?" He inquired, not hoping to hear what he thought he was gonna hear. Unfortunately, he did, as Clyde confirmed, "The Stick of Truth. The elves got it."

Flabbergasted, Cartman bellowed with extreme anger. "THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMNED JOB CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!" After a moment of contemplation, Cartman decided upon Clyde's punishment for his failure.

"Clyde… You are hereby banished from space and time!" Clyde was flabbergasted. "What!? No! You can't do that!" He protested, but Cartman was king, and he wouldn't have any of Clyde's defiance. "Yeah I can! You're banished, and lost in time and space!" "Yeah! Go home, Clyde!" Butters added.

Clyde left Cartman's backyard, staring daggers at Gale as he walked. Gale felt a chill down his space from Clyde's piercing, begrudging glare.

Cartman was terribly disappointed in Clyde, but he couldn't be prouder of Gale. "You fought bravely on the battlefield, Gale." "Yeah, this New Kid may be a douchebag, but he sure can fight!" Scott followed up with. "Shut up, Scott. Nobody cares what you think." Retorted Cartman. "Harsh, dude." Gale thought to himself.

"Anyways, we have a bigger problem now!" Cartman stated. "The Stick of Truth has been stolen, and we must assemble our ENTIRE army in order to get it back." However, Butters reminded Cartman of something important.

"But our three best warriors still haven't reported for duty, my King!" "Our newest member can take care of that." Cartman assured. "Gale, I want you to go out into the neighborhood and find my greatest warriors: Token, Tweek, and Craig."

He then whipped out his phone to help Gale with his mission. "I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now."

Gale looked at his own phone, and saw the faces of who Cartman wanted him to retrieve. "But beware." Cartman warned. "The lands outside are full of marauding Drow Elves, monsters, and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped. Now go! And send my warriors here!"

Understanding the mission, Gale simply replied with "You got it, Your Majesty!" Cartman smiled at Gale finally getting into character. He then gave out one last command. "Butters, go with him."

Gale was surprised. "Oh, I get someone to fight with me? Sweet! Let's do this, Butters!" "What, you- you want me to fight with you?" Butters inquired with surprise and eagerness. "Okay! This paladin is ready to kick some ass!" Gale then went to equip himself properly at the weapons shop.

As Clyde was banished, Scott was now the one in charge of Kupa Keep's weaponry. "Guess I'm minding the shop now. You need any weapons or armor?" After Gale equipped himself with the best he could acquire, he and Butters headed out of Cartman's backyard into the streets of South Park. Their quest had begun.

Meanwhile, at Larnion, Donnely's squadron was reporting about their success of stealing the Stick to Elf King Kyle Broflovski. "We… Got the Stick." One of the elves panted in exhaustion. "But we barely made it out. That New Kid is strong as hell."

Kyle was quick to reassure his men. "Well, as long as we have the Stick, that's all that matters."

But Donnely was just as quick to retort. "You don't understand because you didn't see it for yourself! That New Kid pretty much soloed our entire squadron! He's clearly established himself as a dangerous adversary, probably stronger than any other threat we've faced thus far!"

But Kyle's best Ranger, Stan Marsh, objected in defense of his king. "Is that any way to talk to your king, Donnely!?" "No Stan, I think he might have a point." Kyle replied. "If the New Kid was really capable of soloing Donnely's squad, we should try and take care of him ASAP."

But just then, a rough, gravelly voice spoke from beside Kyle. "Let me take him on. I'll rip him apart."

The voice belonged to a hooded elf wearing a black mask concealing the top of the elf's head. The hood was a dark pine green, and the rest of the elf's clothing was mostly standard Drow Elf wear, aside from two silver pauldrons on the shoulders. "Elliot?" Kyle inquired. "You want to fight the New Kid?"

"Isn't that what I just said, Your Majesty?" Elliot replied, in an apparently forcefully guttural voice. "I'll make that New Kid wish he'd never been born!" But Kyle was hesitant. "Actually, I think we should leave this one to Stan here-"

"God damn it, you're always leaving everything to Stan!" Elliot barked back. "Don't you remember!? First time I got here, I fucking decimated him in sparring!" Stan was, of course, offended at the call-back to his previous humiliation.

"Fuck you, that was a lucky shot!" But Elliot continued to elaborate. "I worked my way up to your third best warrior, and I never get the chance to go on any raids or shit like Donnely just did!"

"Even if you had joined me, you still wouldn't have won." Donnely replied. "What the fuck was that, dickface!?" Argued Elliot. "Don't you remember how I kicked the humans' asses last week!? I was even able to get the Stick from them until they stole it two days ago like a bunch of bitches!"

"That was before the New Kid arrived." Counterargued Donnely. "He's nothing like any of the other humans you've fought before. If you try to take him on one-on-one, he'll-"

"Cower at my knees bloodied and broken, that's what he'll do!" Elliot screamed, finally running out of patience. "I'll show you! I'm gonna turn that son of a bitch into mincemeat!" Elliot then ran out from Kyle's backyard.

"God damn it, why does Elliot always have to be like that?" Groaned Kyle. But Stan tried to reassure him. "Maybe we should leave this one to Elliot, dude. I mean, Elliot is our third best warrior."

But Kyle was still worried. "I know, dude. But… What if Elliot gets found out?" Knowing what Kyle was talking about, Stan replied with "Oh, you're still worried about the secret?" "I wouldn't be if it weren't for that damn Wizard Fat Ass!" Kyle confirmed.

But Stan continued to reassure Kyle. "Don't worry, we've still got soldiers stationed all across town. Elliot probably won't even make it to the New Kid before the New Kid gets his ass kicked."

Feeling a little better, Kyle replied with "I guess you're right. I just wish Cartman was more open-minded. God damn it." He then gave out a sigh of annoyance.

Gale and Butters made their way from Cartman's house all the way to near the inner streets of the town. It was there that Butters saw a snowman standing on the side of the road.

"Oh, wow, what's this snowman doing here?" He asked. "It wasn't there a few hours ago."

But just then, four enemy elves popped out from underneath the snowman. "Oh, hamburgers!" Butters cried.

Gale raised his sword to battle. The elves simply taunted him. "These lands hold many dangers, New Kid!"

"Yeah, you moved to the wrong realm!"

"Nice hair, douchebag." But Gale was getting increasingly annoyed with that term. "Why does everyone keep calling me a fucking douchebag!? You're douchebags!" One of the elves simply responded by smacking Gale with his elven sword. "Agh! Fuck!"

It was then that Butters stepped in to aid Gale.

"You're hurt! This looks like a job for Paladin Butters!" He then patted Gale on the back, which inexplicably healed the damage Gale had received.

"Holy shit, that's awesome, Butters!" "Thanks!" Butters replied. "I'm a paladin, it's what I do!" He then prepared to strike the elves with his hammer. They went down fairly easily.

Gale then stepped in the fray, his sword swinging in every direction, and the elves were simply overwhelmed.

They ended up passing out on the ground. Gale then took this opportunity to take any cash and/or items they had on them. He figured since he took one of their bows, to the victor go the spoils.

He then turned to Butters to ask "Butters, which of the three warriors is closest to here?" "I think Craig is. His house is only a little over that way." Butters answered, pointing behind Gale. They then made their way to Craig's house.

Upon arriving at Craig's front door, Gale knocked. An older man with red hair and blue clothes opened the door, whom Gale immediately realized was Craig's dad. "Um, can Craig come out to play?" Inquired Gale.

"Ya lookin' for Craig?" Craig's dad replied. "Well, he can't play. He's in detention. Something about flippin' off the principal." He then closed the door.

"Aw, damn it." Gale muttered. "We better get to the other guys first!" Said Butters. "Let's try Tweek. The coffee shop he works at is just around the northeast edge of town!"

"A kid working in a coffee shop? What the hell?" Gale pondered. But nevertheless, Gale and Butters made their way to Tweek Bros. Coffee, powering through any and all of the elves that were in their way.

After arriving at the coffee shop, a man at the front counter greeted the two. "Welcome to Tweek Coffee. Coffee made with ingredients supplied by local organic suppliers. It's local coffee. Brewed locally. Tweek? TWEEEEK!"

Gale then heard anxious stammering and yelping from behind a door in the back. "Have you picked up the fresh local ingredients?" Tweek's dad inquired.

"AAAHGHGH NOT YET DAD! I'M STILL TRYING TO DO ALL MY CHORES!" Gale then realized the man at the counter was Tweek's dad. "Well hurry up, son, the family business is relying on you!" Tweek's dad replied, which was only met with more anxious screaming.

"That's kind of a lot of pressure you're putting on him." Gale retorted. "I KNOW, RIGHT!?" Tweek cried in response. "YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT!" Gale then decided to go in the back room.

Tweek was a boy with frizzy blonde hair, an improperly-buttoned shirt, and twitchy eyes. He looked like he just got out of bed, if he ever even went to begin with. He was scurrying about the back room, trying to complete his chores.

"AHGHGHGH! How am I supposed to do all this?! There's no way, man! Starbucks has like eight employees! Here it's just me! GAHGHGH!" This certainly wasn't a good way to make a first impression. However, Gale decided to talk to Tweek anyway.

"Uh, hi. We kinda need your help playing Fighters of Zaron." "AH! NOW?! The guys need me now?!" Tweek cried. "Oh there's no way man! I have WAY too much to do! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS?! Wait - YOU!" Tweek said, pointing to Gale.

"Could you go get the four o'clock delivery for me?! If you do I can finish here and then - and then I'll still have time to play! PLEASE! Would you?!" Gale simply nodded.

"It's at Kenny's house - like always! Y-you give them THIS - They'll give you the delivery!" Tweek handed Gale a slip of paper. It was a delivery order. "Where's Kenny's house?" Gale asked. "Over on the southeast part of town!" Butters answered. "Then let's go!" Gale declared, and they were off.

"Sure is a lot of walking." Butters remarked, on their way to Kenny's house. "Butters, do you think you could shut up for a few minutes?" Gale said. Soon they were at Kenny's house, which was a total fucking mess. The building looked like it was ready to fall apart, and hell, some of it actually did.

"Pretty filthy living space for a princess." Gale snarked. He then knocked on Kenny's front door, which was answered by a redheaded woman, obviously Kenny's mom, opening the door, and asking a simple "What?" Gale then gave Kenny's mom the delivery order.

"Oh this isn't for me. This is for the nice people who are renting the guest house out in the back." Gale was surprised. "G-guest house?" But Butters set it straight. "She means the garage."

Looking inside the garage, Gale then saw several homeless people… Cooking crystal meth. "Oh, Jesus Christ." He whispered in shock. "Um... You wouldn't happen to have a package for Tweek Coffee, would you?" He muttered in anxiety.

"Yeah, yeah. We got the package for Tweek Coffee." One of the homeless man answered. "You got the envelope?" Gale handed over the order. Just then another homeless man realized something about Gale. "Hey... that's not the usual kid that picks up the package."

"Huh? Oh shit. It's a COP!" "What!?" Gale cried. "NO, we're not-" But before he could finish, the homeless people were swinging lead pipes and chucking glass beer bottles at him and Butters.

"Oh, fuck! Butters, we gotta fight!" "Um, okay!" Butters then raised his hammer to the sky.

"Butters?" Inquired Gale. "Shh, wait for it…" Butters replied. "Hammer… of… STORMS!" Butters then pointed his hammer in the direction of the homeless meth heads, lightning shooting out from the hammer, shocking the homeless severely. They were knocked out almost instantly.

"Holy fucking SHIT, that's badass!" Gale cried in amazement.

"That's paladins for ya," Butters replied, rubbing his upper lip in pride. "We protect the innocent, and fuck up the guilty!" They then headed back to Tweek.

Gale actually kind of felt proud of himself. For once, he was making lasting friendships. Helping them out and banding together for the sake of achieving a common goal. But he knew he couldn't get cocky. After all, the adventure had just begun.

Gale and Butters then made their way back into the back room of the coffee shop.

Tweek was, as always, nervous as fuck. "Did you get it? DID YOU GET IT!?" He cried, super-anxious. Gale handed the delivery over to Tweek.

"You did it! You got the pickup! Oh thanks, man! DAD!" Tweek's dad stepped inside the back room. "I finished my work can I go play?"

"Where's today's delivery?" Asked Tweek's dad. "Right here!" Replied Tweek, handing it over. Tweek's dad then sampled a taste of it.

"Hmm, yup, that's good shit. Alright, Tweek, you can play for a little bit." He confirmed. "But be home before dark or you'll be grounded. Grounded - like the fresh grinds of our all-organic Tweek blend, made with ingredients from local tweakers."

Tweek was actually a little elated. "Thanks kid. I gotta go get changed then I'll meet you at the kingdom!" He then ran outside.

"Alright, one down, two to go." Gale said. "Let's hurry over to Token next! He lives over in the gated mansion northwest of here!" Said Butters.

After leaving the coffee shop, they headed over to Token's house, unaware of the hooded figure that was stalking them. "Just you wait, New Kid. I'm gonna fuck you up something fierce."

To be continued…