Secret Shame

Chapter 2 Big Brother

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, I'm just borrowing them but the plot is my own.

Summary: Sam has a secret he desperately wants to keep hidden but Dean finds out.

WARNING: Deals with Self Harm.

Two drips on his forehead forced Sam to flinch, awaking him from his slumber he opened his eyes, staring at the ceiling. Gasping, he saw Jessica in an awkward angle staring down at him with emotionless eyes.

'NO!'

Flames burst out, enclosing her in a burning blanket. Sam unable to do anything stared, his heart clenching at the sight of his girlfriend dying.

Dean looked on as Sam jerked awake from another nightmare. Furiously blinking he became aware of his surroundings.

'Sam…you alright?'

'Yeah, I'm fine', he said coughing.

There was a tension between the two boys which perplexed Dean. He was worried about his brother and it seemed Sam was feeling anxious as they kept exchanging small glances. The sun was beginning to go down and the sound of their rumbling stomachs was not unheard in the quiet back roads they were travelling.

'There is a Diner not far from here, I seen it on the map, we will stop to get something to eat then we can try find a place to sleep ok?' Dean said with one hand on the wheel and the other rubbing tiredly at his bloodshot eyes evidence of his lack of sleep!

'Ok whatever…'

Dean glanced over, taking in Sam's appearance. He was slumped back in the seat with his head leaning against the window looking at the world go by. He looked very tired but there was also an element of sadness in him. Dean understood that Jessica's death must be very hard on his brother but this was something else, he just knew it.

He didn't quite understand what it was that made Sam behave differently. Could it be himself? His fault for dragging him everywhere, forcing him to hunt when he made it clear that it wasn't the life he wanted. Maybe he missed school and his friends and just wanted to get rid of his big brother. It hurt Dean thinking like this but maybe it was true. The only way to find out would be to ask him, find out what is wrong.

They pulled into the Diner car park, the sun had already hidden behind a vast stretch of trees making the atmosphere cold. Sam followed behind him, the ringing of the door filled the air as they entered.

'There's a good seat over there Sam…'

In the back of the diner they sat down, the place seemed friendly enough although a few of the customers looked a bit strange Dean noticed lifting his eyebrows.

'What can I get you two boys?'

The waitress stood there waiting for them to order but all Dean could do was smile as he took in her slim figure and her small uniform.

'Uhhh…'

She rolled her eyes and looked to the other brother prompting a response. Sam ordered and just shook his head at Dean's stupid behaviour laughing slightly.

'You looked like a real goofball smiling like that you know?'

'Whatever' he said, throwing a napkin at him …'so did you find out anything else about this family then?'

'No, I didn't have time to look.' said Sam staring at a couple with their arms round each other heading for their car.

'Are you friggen kidding me here?

Sam looked at him with a weird look on his face that stopped his brother in his tracks.

'Sam what the hell have you been doing? I am in charge of weapons and you are the study geek. It's your job to do the research!'

'Hey man I'm sorry I just…forgot to but I will when we find a motel so don't worry.'

At that moment the waitress walked over, 'Here are your fries that you ordered and 2 Root beers enjoy.'

Dean didn't say anything else after that; he kept looking at his brother as if trying to figure out something in his head. The meal was uneventful and before they knew it they had found a motel and were walking in the door.

Throwing the keys on the table Dean went and relaxed on the bed close to the bathroom.

'Man, I'm so tired…I'm taking a break from driving tomorrow, you can do it for a change!'

Sam had settled on the bed beside his brother with the laptop setup, carelessly searching for anything that would be helpful in their hunt. He ignored Dean's mumbling while concentrating fully on his last minute research.

When he was done he closed the laptop looking over at Dean who smiled back in a patronising way Sam thought. His brother never went to sleep before him; he always waited till Sam fell asleep first which annoyed him.

'Dude go to sleep…' he sighed.

'You first', smiling he bounced up leaning his back against the headboard. He watched as Sam got clothes out of his bag and locked the bathroom door behind him. Beginning to frown Dean was struck with an idea and suddenly smiled. If he was caught his brother would try and kill him but it was worth the risk he thought, just to see if there was anything wrong. Dean crept over to his brother's bed, listening intently to the movement in the bathroom. He reached over and grabbed Sam's backpack, quickly rummaging through it, looking for anything out of the ordinary.

The bathroom door unlocked and Sam walked out to see Dean lying face down in bed already asleep.

That's weird, he thought, he never goes to sleep before me. He must be really tired, it was now Sam's turn to become confused, although he just crawled into bed with his long sleeved top on and lay down to sleep.

Soon enough Sam had fallen asleep, Dean could tell by his heavy breathing. Turning around he let out a breath he didn't realise he had held in. Making sure his brother was asleep he pried the bag from under him. When he had heard the bathroom door opening he flung himself on the bed, with the bag resting under his stomach while feigning sleep.

Quietly, he looked in the bag, giving quick glances to the bed beside him. He moved things aside, mainly clothes. He didn't know what he was looking for but knew that he had to find out what was up with Sammy. He wanted to make sure he wasn't imagining things. There was definitely something wrong and it was very unlikely Sam would tell Dean. When confronted Sammy usually went into a shell and put up every barrier preventing you from knowing the truth.

It must be something serious, Dean thought, if it is affecting him like this. His behaviour is different also his eyes that were once deep brown filled with wonder are now dull and dead. Nearly giving up on his search he withdrew his hand when his eyes caught something, there was a secret compartment in the bag, a small zipper that you could only see on the inside of the bag if you looked very closely. Unzipping it he put his hand in, his face screwed up as he felt about. Finally feeling something Dean pulled it out and laid it in front of him.

This is strange, he thought, picking it up he held it against the little light coming through the window from neon lighting outside. It was a blood soaked bandage, maybe he hurt himself during the last hunt, but why would he keep it, he thought to himself. Putting it down he looked in the compartment again, this time he pulled his hand out in a flash with a hiss of pain. Something had pricked his finger, something sharp. Reaching in again he pulled out a razorblade which had stain dried blood on the edge if it.

'What the hell…' he mumbled.

He looked sharply around at his brother who was still sleeping. Dean just stared at what he had found in his Sam's bag. What does this mean? He thought.

Sammy wouldn't…he couldn't hurt himself. He is too smart for that and if it's true thenwhy would he do that. All he kept thinking was…why?

With his mouth slightly open in shock he began to think over everything that had happened in the last couple of months. It makes sense, the strange behaviour, the long sleeved tops to bed, the constant bathroom trips.

I have been so blind, he chastised himself, and I should have figured it out at the beginning!

Dean felt his eyes fill up for a second before he shook himself, there was no need to get emotional. He had to be strong for Sammy's sake, he threw everything back in the bag and lay down frantically thinking of what his next move would be. How would he approach it with Sam, he had to be gentle and understanding yet firm.

He couldn't let him continue to hurt himself, it was out of the question, and he had to find a way to stop him.

Dean didn't understand why he would actually cut himself; it was horrible to think that his little brother was doing that. Dean was supposed to protect him against anything but how is he supposed to protect him from himself?

For the first time in a while Dean was scared, he didn't understand what was going on and he felt lost, he didn't know how to help his brother. Although nothing would stop him from trying. He began to plan his early wake tomorrow and everything he would do that day. They were supposed to go question a family that seemed to have an angry spirit attached to their house but none of that mattered to Dean anymore.

His family was more important, Sammy needed his help and nothing could get in his way from fulfilling his role as the big brother.