Chapter Two
Disharmony
Hufflepuffs are known to be loyal, patient and hardworking; they are also snidely referred to as 'dull' or 'air-headed' among other Hogwarts students. We should just scrap everything and call them 'obstinate little buggers' (If I ever saw the sorting hat again, we'd have words) because no amount of muttering, dark looks, or pointed stares would get Ted Tonks to leave me be. Not only did he sit next to me in herbology all through the week, he cornered me in defense while I was searching for a partner and proceeded to start practicing hexes before I even agreed to partner with him. Thank Merlin my reflexes are half par or I'd have been stumbling around the room on jelly legs for the better part of the lesson. Just because I'd healed his finger did not mean we were suddenly best friends- if that were the case, I'd have more friends than I'd know what to do with. Did this boy have a death wish? Maybe he missed Bella's jinxes and was hoping he'd annoy me into violence?
If he wasn't so cordial (apart from the hexing me when I wasn't ready- and rumor has it he's chivalrous-ha). I'd had thought that was the cause. But every word he said to me was polite and he never approached me outside of defense or herbology (not a death wish then, even if I'd never raise my wand, any number of Slytherin's would jump at the chance). He had me so confused that Pomfrey commented on it one evening and I spilled the whole, jumbled mess to her.
If Cissy was my closest friend, then Pomfrey was my second, and also, the only one I could tell about the mystery that was Ted Tonks. Madam Poppy Pomfrey was a strict, middle aged woman, old enough to have been married once and to have achieved all of the requirements to become a certified healer. She had told me before that her estranged husband had been a cruel man and that she started her healer training upon her separation with him, but I didn't know if separation meant death or defection. Another one of her secrets and I was much too well-bred to pursue a subject that wished to be avoided. She was as much friend as mentor though, and a woman I had come to admire over my apprenticeship.
So after my story was told in as much detail as I could muster, it was slightly offensive when the first thing she did was laugh. Laugh, as if I'd just told the most brilliant joke that had ever crossed her ears.
"The minds of men are strange things, Andie, but really, who could blame the boy for taking a fancy to a young girl such as yourself?"
A fancy? Taken a bleeding fancy to? In complete shock, I stared at Pomfrey as if she'd spent a bit too much time stirring, and inhaling, the latest batch of pepper up potion. She was clearly mad with fumes; a muggle born would not dare take a fancy to a Black sister. Especially one he'd only said a handful of words to in an entire seven years. He was a nice enough bloke, but I was engaged-even if I hadn't seen my fiancé since the end of the year gathering over Christmas holidays, even if it wasn't yet mentioned in the Profit, even if I despised my fiancé, I was engaged- and if memory served, Ted had a girlfriend. Besides, I had heard the girls whispering about Ted before, they wanted him to ask them to Hogsmeade or hold their hands while they walked around the lake. Girls wanted to date him for his pretty eyes and his good manners.
Boys didn't want to date me, of course, girls like me weren't allowed to date. We could court, once our family gave permission, but we were never to be without a chaperone as it was unseemly. If a boy were interested in a girl like me, the correct (and only) protocol was to mention your attraction to your parents who would then contact the girl's parents to see if it was a desirable match. Technically, a boy didn't have to approach, or even talk to a girl, until the day of the announcement ceremony where he would present her an expensive gift as proof that he could maintain her. The girl would smile prettily and accept, all while the parents discussed a dowry price.
Thoughts of marriage protocol brought to mind my upcoming, but as of yet undated, announcement ceremony. It would probably take place during spring holiday, my first chance to be home since the decision was made. Cissy was jubilant, and I let her excitement carry me and cover my dread. Sleep had come rarely, and stayed even less frequently, since I received my mother's letter (and before that, if I was being honest with myself). Though loathe to admit it, I was scared. Terrified, even. I had known this would happen eventually, but I had pictured eventually to be well after Hogwarts. If I had not yet been asked for upon graduation, it was only just possible that I'd be allowed to pursue healer training until a husband could be found for me. What would my parents care that I did, as long as I attended all of the required events and smiled charmingly at all of the suitable boys? Moreover, what pure blood boy would look twice at me compared to bold Bellatrix or lovely Narcissa? Antonin Dolohov, apparently.
I couldn't even remember speaking to Antonin; certainly we never shared any special conversations, possibly 'pass the butter, please' and I may have danced with him at one formal event or the other, but I'd danced with most of the pureblood boys before and they didn't want to marry me. Pure Blood boys, I decided, were cowards until they could wield power over you.
I had left Pomfrey's absurd claim hang on dead air for too long to bother responding now, and anyway, Hogwarts was full of mischievous or accident prone teenagers, and there was never time for woolgathering in the infirmary.
"Andromeda, pst, Andromeda" a hand accompanied the annoying voice, a hand that wouldn't stop shaking my shoulder. Blurrily, the shelves before of me picked their way out of my sleepy haze, and with a glance down between my pillowed arms I spotted my potions essay and groaned. Sleep must have caught up with me in the library, and I had a suspicion that that was drool smearing my half-finished paragraph on the uses and preparation of toad eyes. Movement was further inhibited by a numb tingling of my legs and back, Merlin, how long had I been asleep? When the numbness of my extremities gave way to the pins and needles pain of returning circulation, I turned to face the person who had woken me. I should have been surprised to see Ted at my shoulder, and even though I stared hard at him for a couple of minutes to check if he was a specter of my dreams, I felt a calm sort of acceptance at the fact that he was the one to find me passed out over homework at who knows what time on a Friday evening. Acceptance followed quickly by mortification. I had at least been drooling in my sleep, what if I had snored? Or Merlin forbid, mumbled something? I felt my face grow warm at the thought, and knew I was blushing as a deep, rumbling chuckle met my ears.
"I heard you snoring when I went looking through the stacks. Don't worry though, I don't think anyone else's spotted you yet." I felt his gaze as I leaned backward over the chair back and let my arms and head just hang for a second, suspended over the red carpeted floor. At the sight of his wristwatch, a question tumbled from my mouth, "would you have the time, by chance?" He jumped at my words, and I got the impression that he hadn't really expected me to reply to him. With a glance down, he told me that it was a quarter to eight. I silently cursed Madam Pince's decision that the library should close at 8 pm every night, worried, no doubt, about her precious book's bed times.
"Well, I don't believe she has any children, so it's probably not far off the mark. Did you know muggle women replace their kids with dogs after they move out? It's quite common, actually." He said it with a crooked smile but so matter-of-factly that I couldn't tell what exactly he meant.
Unable to make sense of the statement, I had almost decided that I was still dreaming, until I realized that I must have spoken the last part out loud. I couldn't tell you, even to this day, why I did what I did next. My only excuse was that I hadn't been sleeping properly for the past however many weeks, and it should not be allowed to hold those sleep deprived to their subsequent actions- but I answered him.
"Dogs? Like crups? As a replacement for children?" The concept was absurd! My dad had a Crup, a mean spirited creature that he trained, if you'd care to believe, to hunt muggles. Zilious was no parents idea of a child, unless, maybe that child was Bella. Ted noticed my disbelieving look, and asked if I was really so against the thought keeping dogs as pets. Having no answer that I wanted to give, I let the conversation come to a halt as I started to gather my supplies and stuffed them into an already overflowing bag. I allow my eyes to dart upward and said in place of a reply, "We'd better head out, before Madam Pince tosses us out"
At that moment, my stomach let out a dreadful rumble, and I swear, I froze. I had skipped dinner, not having much of an appetite, I chose instead to get a head start on my weekend homework. I tried to ignore it, and I thought I had succeeded as we slipped from the library and into the corridor, but it seemed I wasn't going to be allowed a graceful exit. Any gentleman would have ignored it, but despite the rumors, I was quickly beginning to realize that Theodore Tonks was not quite the gentleman that many claimed him to be.
"If you're hungry, the kitchens are this way. I'll show you, if you'd like" I was mortified at his offer, but also rather relieved. I had a small store of candy in my trunk, but something substantial sounded brilliant. It didn't even occur to me to wonder how he knew where the kitchens were. I had always found myself questioning things less when I was with Ted; his confidence seemed to make it such that it was illogical to think that he wouldn't know where the kitchens to a magical castle where. Or any number of odd things that really, a boy capable of such an innocent smile, shouldn't know. I followed him through the corridor and down flights of stairs until we stopped a floor below ground level. After a right turn, I found myself staring up at a portrait of fruit and turned a questioning gaze to my companion. "Oh, you have to tickle the pear; I always forget that other houses don't know that"
Tickle the pear to get to the kitchens? Amusing for a school whose motto is "never tickle a sleeping dragon" but I complied, feeling slightly ridiculous as I did so, but of course the portrait swung open to allow us admittance. The kitchens were grand, the house elves friendly and before I knew it, I found myself sitting at a small table with a heaping plate of cottage pie. Ted had chosen baked beans and toast, claiming not to be that hungry. I had assumed he had accompanied me because he wanted food, but was now looking at him inquiringly, as if I could perform Legilimency and discover his intentions.
"You know, for a Black, you're not all that intimidating, at least not when you're still befuddled by sleep." He was comfortably draped over his chair, limbs falling every which way, with no sense of order at all. But his smile was back in place.
"For a Hufflepuff, you certainly are brave. Escorting a Black to the kitchens? Is that really a risk you'd like to take?" my tone was joking, but I was hoping to remind him just who I was, and by proxy, just who he was.
"A Black that heals mudbloods willingly? I'm terrified, my lady" If mine was joking, his tone was downright mocking and I found myself at a loss for words. I had never spoken so freely to a man before, honestly, I had never found myself alone with one that I might be permitted to. My mouth opened of its own accord, an apology balanced at the tip of my tongue, but I quickly closed my lips and swallowed it. I had done nothing that required apology and I had a feeling Ted wasn't the type of boy to demand one. In fact, he didn't seem the type of boy to demand much, certainly not the subordination of a woman. I was not oblivious to how the majority of girls acted, and I knew that by modern standards, the structures of wizarding society would be considered ancient. So even though it filled me with a sense of anxiety that had me tapping fingers absently on the table, I didn't apologize. I wanted to feel like any other girl with any other boy, just once. I'd probably never get the chance again, anyway. We talked that night about classes, and the weather, and with 10 minutes to curfew we separated and went our own way- me to the dungeons and Ted down a stairway by the portrait of fruit that I hadn't noticed earlier.
I was not avoiding Ted Tonks. I just slid into the loo (and one time, a first year charm class) whenever I saw him waling my way in the corridor. And I was much too busy studying during lessons to have a conversation- never mind that I always found my way to class at the last possible moment. And with the infirmary, choir meetings (I had always loved singing and auditioned my second year. It was one of the things I looked forward to most about the welcoming and Halloween feast), patrols and NEWT revision, it really was coincidental that I had barely spoken a word to anybody since Friday night. Really, I wasn't avoiding any one at all.
It was Thursday evening, and the infirmary was surprisingly empty. I found myself brewing a batch of headache potion and a calming drought to pass the time while Poppy sat at her desk sorting overflowing piles of paperwork. She had a sly look about her and had attempted conversation a couple times, but always let it trail off- never asking whatever it was that she was actually curious about. After a succession of four loud sighs, I turned to her with a tilted head and asked her if something was bothering her.
"You've just been awful quiet as of late, Andie; I noticed that you haven't been eating much at meals, and your glamour spells don't completely cover the bags under your eyes. I asked Ted Tonks if he'd keep an eye out for you, but even he says you're avoiding him now. I just wished you knew that you could always talk to me, about anything." The words took a second to process, but as I stirred the bubbling liquid twice counterclockwise and once clockwise, it all came together in my head.
"You asked Ted to look after me?" I kept my voice light, casual, I could have been asking her to pass the powdered lizard tail if it were a different day.
"He was in here, and while he didn't directly ask about you, I've seen the way that boy looks at you when he thinks nobody's watching. If there was a better candidate, then I couldn't find one. I could hardly go strolling up to your sister, now could I?" She matched me casualness for casualness, and I couldn't fault her logic. I did the best I could to make Cissy believe that I had the world at my fingertips and that no girl could be happier than I. And it explained Ted's puzzling randomness in searching me out. A rush of gratitude filled me toward both of them. Pomfrey for being concerned (and discreet) enough to worry about me and Ted for doing a favor for the school matron for a girl he didn't even know. I didn't often see kindness; as a rule, Slytherin's were only kind when you could do something for them (with some exceptions) and it left me feeling unbalanced and warm. Almost as if I'd eaten too much chocolate in one sitting, but without the sick feeling that followed such an indulgence. I flashed her a smile as I bottled and corked my concoction.
"Thank you for your concern, but I assure you I'm fine. My life is just changing rapidly and it has had me a bit overwhelmed. It feels as if I can barely keep up." I let a laugh soften the words while I levitated the completed potions to their correct shelves.
"Just make sure, Andromeda that you can live with the choices you make. Don't trap yourself now to please other people that don't have to live with the consequences." The use of my full name made me take her words as more than just idle jabber. She had called me Andie ever since my first week in the infirmary, and even though it used to make me cringe, I had become accustomed to it and anything else from her mouth felt foreign and wrong.
My brewing done, I left the infirmary with a light heart and heavy mind. It was still early, only seven, and I had half a mind to visit the library for a bit before curfew. As I was walking, however, a voice interrupted the peaceful solitude of my stroll. I recognized it as belonging to Della McCarthy, a pretty little Ravenclaw in my year. She had red-blonde hair, wide light green eyes and a smattering of freckles across her nose that made her look even more doll when combined with her petite figure.
"Teddy, I know I messed up. But it was just a kiss and it didn't even mean anything. I miss you. It's a Hogsmeade weekend soon and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me. Or we could even meet at Madam Puddifoots for a tea. I'd just like a chance to talk…" It all came out in a pleading tone, with the end running together in her rush to finish the sentence. I hadn't even noticed my pause, and released a breath I wasn't aware I was holding when Ted responded.
"Della, we've said all there is to say. It wasn't just a kiss; you admitted that it was going on for several months. I'm sorry, but there's nothing more to say" His words were clipped and it was the most unfriendly that I ever remembered hearing him. I hated owing anyone anything, most especially a favor, so I found myself rounding the corner and interrupting whatever argument Della was sure to have thought up.
"Ted! Imagine running into you here! I was just looking for you, we have that herbology project to do and I was hoping you'd be free" We didn't have a herbology project due at all, but Della had declined to continue studying plants and herbs and would have no reason to believe we didn't. After all, why else would I be looking for Ted? His look was pure gratitude, and I had to fight off an answering grin before I gave everything away.
"Good to see you, Andromeda. Excuse us, Della, we really do have a lot of work to do." For once, I was thankful that I was born a Black because years of practice were the only thing that kept my smile in place when confronted with her stare of pure malice.
We walked through a handful of turns before either of us dared to speak, but it was Ted that broke the silence. "Thank you for that, I was really sick of hearing her excuses."
"I was only repaying a favor; Pomfrey mentioned how she asked you to look out for me. It really was kind of you to go through the trouble. But, you're welcome just the same."
"You're not a bother, in fact you've always quite intrigued me and I was happy with the excuse to speak to you" I was too shy to ask him why or how I intrigued him and it seemed he sensed my discomfort, because he continued speaking, "I don't have any books with me though, and either do you. If you'd like to go to the library to make it look credible, we can, but I was thinking a cuppa would be a good way to end this night."
And that's how I found myself sitting in the kitchens once again; nursing a cup of black tea and sugar, and watching Ted pour more milk than tea into his cup. I shuddered, but didn't comment, ever since my milk curdled one time, I couldn't stand to take it in my tea. It was the second conversation either of us could claim having together; maybe third if you stretched it, but there weren't any uncomfortable lapses. Honestly, it felt like there was never a time where we didn't have tea to go with our conversation. He told me about discovering Della kissing Matthew Smith a couple of weeks ago, and how she had followed him around trying to apologize ever since. His parents, I discovered, were happily married and he had decided, at a young age, that he wanted a relationship just like theirs. He refused to settle for anything less. I was taken aback by his candor, but couldn't help reciprocating in turn- at least in the seclusion of the Hogwarts kitchens. I told him of my engagement to Dolohov, and when he just sat in silence watching me, I further explained the rituals and ceremony that surrounded traditional wizarding marriage. He didn't interrupt, only looked thoughtful as he turned over what I had said, his eyes such a deep blue that I had trouble meeting them.
"It's funny that muggles are seen as so prehistoric here, but we're so far advanced when it comes to some social structures. My mother is very for women's right, she attends all of the protests even, and it seems so strange to me that a girl would have no say in her husband. You're very courageous, I think, because you can be so accepting of such harsh circumstances, but you're also, I hope you'll excuse me, rather cowardly, too. I can't decide which one applies more to this situation" I must have looked offended, because his words sped up as he tried to remedy the situation, "I am sorry, Andrew always claims that my bluntness will be the death of me. I'd just rather everyone knew where I stand, rather than saying things I didn't mean. I wasn't trying to offend you; you really are a lovely person and that's the last thing I'd want to do."
We parted then, not on unfriendly terms, but because we realized it was just after curfew and neither of us were keen on detention. But I couldn't get his words out of my mind that night. The more I turned over the situation, and tried to look at it from different angles; I couldn't decide if I was courageous or cowardly, either. And while I didn't particularly value the brazen boldness that got so many Gryffindor's into trouble, the word coward wasn't one I wanted to associate with myself, either.