"You did what?" Owen demanded hotly. Jack put a hand to his temple and tried to reason with him. "I had to! He threatened to nuke the planet."
"Well he's gonna need a helluva bigger microwave, mate."
"No, Owen, with nuclear warheads."
"No shit, Captain Obvious. I still don't think you should've let the bastard take 'im!"
"Owen, he didn't have a choice. I hate John Hart as much as the next guy, but this once, we have to do what he wants. It's either Ianto or the world."
"How about both? Is that fucking okay?"
Tosh tried to put a comforting hand on Owen's shoulder, but he threw it off, pissed at Jack and Gwen. "What the hell were you thinking?" he shouted angrily. Jack stood, putting his hands up. "Listen, right now is not the right time to be fighting amongst each other. We need to get the readings from the exact place Hart activated the Vortex Manipulator and see if we can reverse it and surprise him." he commanded. Owen seemed to calm down as he thought out Jack's sensible procedure. "Yeah, yeah, okay. Fine. Who's first in the queue to shoot the bastard?" he asked in an innocent tone. Jack raised his hand and Owen laughed. "Oh I knew it was gonna be you. I'll bet you for it. Saturday's football match with the blokes."
"Sorry, Owen. 'Old boyfriend' rules trump 'pissed off Welshman'. I'm first in line. If he somehow survives... well, I'll get a shotgun. Long story short, I'm the one that gets to kill him if he does anything wrong." Jack insisted. The rest of the team looked down at their shoes with disappointment and then Jack nodded. Suddenly he also looked very disappointed. "What? What's wrong?" Tosh asked with genuine concern. Jack sighed. "I was gonna ask Ianto to go down to the vaults with me..." he mumbled. Gwen made gagging noises and Owen winced. "Oh, did you really need to tell us that? We put people in those cells! Not to mention, I feel bad for the poor bastard that has to clean them!" he yelled. Tosh giggled quietly before replying. "That would be Ianto." she informed him. Owen's face went completely blank and the rest of the team burst out in laughter, but sobered quickly. "You - you think he'll be okay?" Tosh asked worriedly. Jack pulled her in and hugged her quickly before forcing the rest of the team to join them. "He'll be fine. Ianto's a big boy."
"Oh, you would know." Gwen snickered, and they all lost it again.
Finally, they arrived at a tall, stone building buzzing with military-looking personell. "What the hell are we doing here?" Ianto demanded. John looked at the people with complete hatred. "They're the bastards that forced the Time Agency to close down. This was main HQ. My room was on the top floor, right next to Jack's. Only separated by a wall and a door. Oh, you should've seen him. Had a few tricks up his sleeve, that one. Oh, I remember this one time when he - "
"That'll be enough chat."
"What? You're afraid I'm gonna steal your precious Harkness away? Oh, he's far gotten over little old me. He's into humans now, can you imagine it?"
"Erm, yes, I can actually."
"Oh. Right. Well I'm impressed, you've certainly caught his eye. I don't think he's ever been in a relationship where he didn't go shagging other people - or things."
"Its... it's not a relationship."
"Oh? Then I have a chance!"
"No. What the hell do you want here?"
"Well, they've still got my shit locked up there, and I need some things."
"What d'you need?"
"None of your fucking business." John spat. Ianto sighed and looked up to the top floor of the building, where a dilapidated sign hung off of the balcony, fluttering in the breeze. "That yours?" Ianto wondered. John smiled softly. "Yeah. Five-year anniversary. That was the day he left me, and the Time Agency to become a good-looking con-man on Earth." he said sadly. Ianto looked up at the banner and then at the Time Agent he was supposed to hate and felt not anger - but pity for the man. It was obvious he still had feelings for Jack, and Ianto felt bad for him that he'd been rejected by the man he claimed to love so many times. How could Jack be so angry with him? At worst, he was a pitiful sight. Ianto hated to think what John looked after a drunk shag. "So, who exactly are they and how do we get to the top floor?" he wondered. John smirked. "They're the military. Sort of like the human equivalent of Judoon."
"What?"
"Big fucking space rhinos. They're the mercenaries of the Universe."
"Oh."
"We have to get past them. I thought you'd blend in well, they all look like you. Dashing, girly, and Welsh. They know who I am, I've tried to get in too many times; but they don't know you. I'll give you the contact lenses - yes, I stole them from Torchwood quite a while ago, I'm surprised you didn't notice - and tell you what I need out of it. Even better, if you make it out of there alive I'll give you a little reward ceremony." John winked. Ianto grimaced and took the contact lenses from his outstretched hands, slipping them onto his eyes. He looked John over and realized the man didn't have the laptop required. "How're you gonna contact me?" he demanded with impatience. Hart looked smug and flipped open his Vortex Manipulator. "Multi-purpose. Sort of like - "
Sensing something graphic and sexual was going to pop out of his mouth, Ianto cleared his throat then faced the building. "What do I tell them?"
"You're investigating a dead Time Agent. Captain John Hart. He died of mysterious circumstances and you need to collect circumstantial evidence."
"Got it."
"I'll see you later, Eye Candy. Well, I hope so."
"Jack'll kill you if I get hurt, you know that?"
"If he can find me." John retorted, tapping his Vortex Manipulator cunningly and disappeared in a flash of bright blue light. Ianto puffed out a breath and bravely pushed past the gate. A burly man sauntered up to him, looking over him with something that looked like repressed lust. "What's your business here?" the man demanded. Ianto cleared his throat and tried to look official. "Investigating the murder of a Captain John Hart."
"Oh, that bloke? Frankly I'm glad he's gone, he was a fucking nuisance."
"Well he's dead now, sir."
"You a cop or summat?"
"Yes, I am. I need to access his room, on the top floor. Can you get me there?"
"Well, strictly off the record, yes. But it'll cost a price."
"Sir, this is official business. I can charge you with obstruction if you don't cooperate."
"Well, seein' as I've not gotten to see an I.D., I'll say I'm most gracious."
Ianto started to sweat and blue words appeared in the bottom of his vision. If you don't do what he says he'll report you and then you'll never get out. Just go with it. John advised. Ianto groaned inwardly and rolled his eyes. Don't roll your eyes at me, Eye Candy. I'm the one keeping you alive, got that? John demanded. "Fuck you, Hart." Ianto mumbled under his breath, just loud enough for Hart to hear but just soft enough for the large man to not. "What was that?" he demanded. Ianto smiled politely and straightened his tie. "Nothing, sir. Will I be able to access the victim's room?"
"Well, it really depends, ain't it?"
"On what?"
"I haven't seen a pretty thing like you in a while. Gotten tired of these cunts bitchin' about. None of 'em are the least attractive anymore. But you, you're fresh. Fresh meat, eh? So, how's about we take a trip into the storage facilities? I know a bunker we could do it in."
Ianto blushed and gaped like a fish out of water. Oh, you'll be fine, Eye Candy.
"I'm not afraid of having sex with him, I'm afraid of you watching." Ianto mumbled. The burly man pretended to not hear and gingerly took his hand, leading him through a throng of smirking, snickering, cat-calling soldiers. "The name's Mitch." the manipulative guard said. "Ianto. Ianto Jones."
"Well Ianto Jones. This your first time with a man?"
"I - erm..."
Lying's a sin, Eye Candy.
"And you would know."
"What's that?"
"Nothing."
"Don't worry. I'll be gentle." Mitch smirked. Ianto could almost hear Hart's smug chuckles as they entered the bunker. "You better not watch this, you bastard." Ianto threatened. Oh but how could I resist? It's about time I see what quality of merchandise Jack is swooning over. Hart replied. Ianto growled as Mitch pushed him onto the bed and began undoing the buttons on his trousers, licking his lips hungrily.