When I finally came to it was late at night. I slowly got up and fought off a wave of dizziness. Hey wait a minute do I smell chicken.

I inhaled deeply it is chicken. I got up and looked down at my side. I don't feel any pain but I do feel something. I feel like i'm drunk.

I staggered out of my room and how I managed to get down the stairs is beyond me. I made it to the dinning room and everyone stoped eating and stared at me.

Until finally the old man said, "You shouldin't be out here Daryle you need your rest. How do you feel?" I just looked at him and said, "m'fine. starvin."

I couldin't form my words right and the words I was saying didin't sound right. I looked around the room to see if there was any chairs left.

There was one chair right beside Shane. Just my luck I feel weird and I have to sit by him. I took a deep breath and staggered to the chair and sat down.

I grabed a plate and helped myself. There was mash potatoes, corn on the cob, garlic bread, greenbeans, carrots, peas, fried chicken and macaroni and cheese.

With tea to drink. I piled my plate high with everything. Filled my cup to the brim and dug in. I barely used my fork. I looked around the table and seen everyone still starin' at me.

What's wrong with them? Why are they staring at me? I looked down at my chest and seen why. I was shirtless. They were all staring at all my scars.

I suddenly got very self-conscious and crossed my arms over my chest and said, "Do you mind not staring at me please. It's not what you think."

They all snapped out of it and started eating again. There was an awkward silence. After awhile I un-crossed my arms and reached out to get my drink.

My hands are shaking pretty bad. Before I could get a good hold of the cup my hand slipped and tea splashed everywhere.

Rick, Shane and Herschel jumped up and I screamed and fell out of my chair and put my hands over my face. I screamed, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry it was an accident! honest! Please don't hurt me please!"

After awhile they came over and said, "It's ok daryle it was an accident. We won't hurt you. Here lets help you up." I slowly put my hands down and looked at them and said,"ummm, ok?"

They reached down and put there hands under my arms and hoisted me up. The sudden movement made me groan.

When I was finally in my seat I looked around and said, "Sorry." and hung my head. Nobody talked until Shane finally said, "It's ok Daryle we moved to quickly is all. I'm sorry too."

I looked over at him and stared for a really long time. Wow he is so beautiful. I want to tell him so bad. I just want to kiss him and rub my hands everywhere.

I just want to be loved. Is that so bad? I never really been with someone that liked me for me. Hell the only sex I ever had was forced. Is always forced.

I just don't want to get raped again. He snapped me out of my thoughts when he cleared his throut and said, "Do I got something on my face?"

I looked at him still after that. I don't really think he will rape me like the others did. But then again I didin't think the others were capable of doing that to me either.

Hell everybody does it to me. Bikers, Truckers, Drunks, Bartenders, Thugs, Dad. Hell even my own brother did it to me a few times. I remember the frist time I was raped.

I shuddered at the thought. I was pulled back to the present by Shane screaming my name. I looked up at him and said, "What?"

He said, "Dude you've been starin' at me for a really long time. What are you thinking about?" I looked around the table.

I cleared my throut and rubbed my eyes while I said, "Trust me you wouldin't want to know. I honestly don't want to think about things but I can't stop."

Everyone was watching me now. Herschel said, "What do you mean like flashbacks?" I looked over at him and said, "Exactly what I mean flashbacks.

If I knew the fucking pills would give me them I wouldin't of takin the shit in the frist place. But I guess you knew all along about them didin't you?"

He just shook his head yes and said, "Yes I knew all about them. They will last a few days at the minimum. A week max i..."

I cut him off mid-sentence and said, "Your a fucking bastard you know that? How dare you! How fucking dare you. I didin't want to take the fucking pills in the frist place.

Now I listen to you and I have fucking flashbacks of shit that I don't want to go thourgh again. I...you..." Rick said, "Daryle take it easy. I'm sure it can't be all that bad."

I looked at him and said in a whisber, "Not that bad? Not that bad.." I picked up my drink that someone refilled for me and got up and threw all the tea out on him.

He made a surprised yelp and I said, "Now you listen to me you little shithead. Get off your high fucking horse and take a look around you.

You have no fucking idea who I am and what I've been thourgh. See it thourgh my eyes for once. I may be redneck trash to you but I have some feelings.

Its not my fault you think that. After all I am my brothers 'shadow'. But you can't look at me and say it wasin't all that bad. Look at all my scars on my chest Rick.

Yeah they may be just scars to you but to me they are like stories. All the bad things that I want to forget. All the scars that you see and can't see are from all the guys that raped me Rick.

I have 72 scars. I have never been with any person that didin't want me like that. I've been a victim all my life. My own dad did it to me when I was younger then your boy.

Even after this war started I was still a victim because when you all were sleeping merle came and raped me. Every fucking night Rick. My own brother.

Now that its over and there all gone I wake up some nights scared shitless that he might come back and do it all over again.

Now I have been having these feelings towards someone and I can't even see being with them because i'm afraid they might leave another scar.

So you get off your high fucking horse and see i've been protected this group ever since me and merle frist came here." and with that I picked up my plate and threw it against the wall and screamed, "I'm never going to be anything but redneck trash to any of you.

Merle and all the other guys are right I am a worthless pieace of shit. I'm just waiting to be stepped on again. So by all means you want a party I know how to throw one but I will go done punching and screaming.

I hate you people. I hate that you guys are the closest thing to a family I ever had. I hate it. I...just" I let out a sob. This is crazy dixon's never cry.

I said, "I just don't want to be hurt again. I just want to feel like i'm something. Like i'm someone in this camp. I'm just waiting for it to happen again. Just..."

I stood there rubbing my face and said, "I'm sorry I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sorry." and with that I left the house.

I went down the steps rather painfully and just kept on walking. I didin't make it that far when I heard shane say, "Guys wait up a bit, just let me talk to him."

I just kept on walking. I heard shane's footsteps then him say, "Daryle can you wait up a bit?" I just shook my head and kept on going. I'm still crying.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Must be them stupid pills. He stepped in my way and said, "Hold on man, just wait a sec." I tryed side-steppin him but he held up his hand.

I stoped and looked at the ground and he said, "Now I know your mad at Herschel and Rick and I did find it rather funny the way you threw your tea at Rick.

But I need to tell you some things. One I don't care what anybody else thinks but I do know for a fact you are not just redneck trash to me Daryle.

You are more then that. You don't have to be here with the group everyday but you are. You could be out there hunting for yourself.

But I know that some days you go hungry because there's not enough food for everybody. I'm sorry that you have feelings for someone and you think you're going to get another scar from it.

But I do know one thing. I would never ever hurt you like those men did to you. I would never take you like that unless you wanted me to.

I'm sorry you feel like your a worthless piece of crap but to me you are a whole lot more then that." I looked up at him and we locked eyes.

In that one look I seen everything he just said, he meant. I can't pretend anymore. I lunged for him and in that one instant he was takin off guard I grabed his face and smashed my lips to his and just was.

I didin't care that I got raped. I forgot that everyone was watching us kiss. I didin't care that if merle ever came back i'd be dead and I didin't care that he was going to probably punch me in a few minutes.

All I knew is it felt fucking good. He was still for a few minutes then to my surprize he relaxed and kissed me back. It lasted a few minutes then we pulled back anough to breath and he said, "That felt fucking awsome. How do you feel?"

I looked at him and smiled and said, "Me, I'm on fucking cloud 9 right now. I've been wanting to do that since I frist layed my eyes on you.

I'm sorry I thought you would do that to me. But I..." I was cut off by another breathtaking kiss. When he pulled away he said, "I know why you thought i'd do it Daryle.

You were scared. How do you know I wouldin't of done it like those guys did. When your own father did it. But you have my word that I will never do it to you."

We kissed one more time and then I said, "Since its night time and all the stars are out do you want to lay on the hood of a car and watch the stars?" I asked sheepishly.

He looked up at me and said, "Daryle I would love to go lay on a random car with you anyday. Just next time ask a little sooner."

We both laughed and walked to the truck and got on the hood. Shane went frist then helped me up and then Glen shouted, "Ahhhh true love. don't forget to use a condom!"

We screamed back at the same time, "Shut up Glen!" and I layed my head down on his shoulders and said,
"So this is what it feels like huh?" He looked down at me and said, "What?" and I snuggled in deeper and said, "This is what love feels like." I looked up at him and we kissed under the stars and I knew. I was finally home.