The Doctor tried to twist around in his seat to look back at his friends, trying to make sure they were alright. The soldier next to him put an arm across his chest forcing him back into the seat. "Sir, if you will just settle down it will be better for all of us."
"It would be better for all of you if you turned around and took me back," declared the Doctor, frustrated at having his plans interrupted by these idiots.
"Sorry sir, we can't do that. You will have to take it up with Major Hansen. We will be there shortly," the soldier said apologetically. All the while keeping his arm across the Doctor's chest.
"Alright, alright, you can relax. I'm not about to jump out of a vehicle going at this speed." The soldier released the Doctor. "What about Colonel Mace? Any chance you could contact him?"
"He's not in our chain of command, sir. You will have to wait and address that with Major Hansen."
The Doctor rubbed his forehead as he cleared his thoughts. It was no use arguing. These were soldiers who had been given their orders and they weren't going to deviate from them no matter how hard he tried to argue his case. Hopefully this Major Hansen would be someone he could reason with. He leaned back and tried to relax.
Relaxing however proved to be a bit difficult. The engine of the jeep was badly out of tune, probably from having its Atmos system unceremoniously ripped out of it. The resultant lack of synchronization of the engine noises grated on the Doctor's nerves. But that was the least of the problems with the transportation. The initial jerk that the Doctor had assumed was because of the urgency of their departure, he now knew was because of apparent inexperience of the driver with the workings of a manual transmission.
He had intended to not use a seat belt so he could attempt a quick escape when the vehicle came to halt. The third time he was jerked either forward or back by a poorly timed release of the clutch convinced him that would not be a wise strategy. He fumbled for his seatbelt as the jeep careened around a corner slamming him into the soldier seated next to him.
"Sorry," said the Doctor as he pushed himself back over to his side of the jeep and quickly fastened his seat belt. "Can I ask why we have the driver we do? Is this some sort of training run for him?"
"No, he was the only one who knew how to drive a manual transmission," came the unexpected response. "Or at least he said he did. Stupid operations, they take all the good equipment for themselves and we are stuck with their castoffs."
The Doctor winced as a new sound emerged from under the vehicle. He was sure several parts of the second gear must have just found their way to the pavement. He looked out the window and saw they were entering the Atmos factory compound. That at least was one piece of good luck.
To his dismay though the vehicle went around to the back of the factory away from Colonel Mace's field headquarters. He had hoped he would be able to attract the attention of one of the Mace's people and get back to ending this crisis. Now it looked like he was going to have to deal with this mysterious Major Hansen whether he wanted to or not.
The jeep came to a jolting halt in front of a small windowless trailer that was on skids. Its entrance was more or less level with the ground. After he undid his seat belt the Doctor tried his door, still locked. A soldier came around to get it for him. As soon as it opened a crack he tried to push his way out and get free of them. The soldier sitting next to him grabbed him by the elbow, squeezing a pressure point and pulling him back into the vehicle.
"Ouch!" he cried. "You don't have to be so rough!"
"Just take it easy sir. You will be able to explain yourself to Major Hansen shortly."
"Explain myself?!" the Doctor cried indignantly. "I think it is he who will be explaining himself! He has no idea who or what he is dealing with!"
The soldier smirked. "Well, you are welcome to tell him. All right out you go now."
The Doctor exited the vehicle and promptly had a soldier attached to each elbow. The driver of the vehicle was carrying the converter into the trailer ahead of him. He sincerely hoped the man's carrying skills were better than his driving skills.
Once inside he was sat down rather roughly in a chair across from a beat up metal desk. He tried to get up, only to be pushed back down into it with firm hands on his shoulders. The chair itself was too short for his frame. Leaving him a choice of either, having his knees almost in his face or stretching his legs out in front of him. He choose the latter option.
The office had dull off white walls and a nondescript gray tile floor. It had gray metal bookshelves, overstuffed with regulatory manuals, instructions and directives. Despite the age of everything it was all immaculately clean. The Doctor looked across the desk to see the atmospheric converter was being studied intently by the man sitting behind it.
"Careful with that, I need it and I don't have the time or parts to make a new one," the Doctor warned.
The man put the converter down on the floor with a definite clank, ignoring the wince the sound produced in the Doctor. He was in a UNIT uniform, but other than that, he did not meet the Doctor's expectation of what a soldier should look like. He was a short bookish man. Balding with some gray/blond hair, like a faint fringe around his ears and the back of his skull. His eyes were brown, almost black behind the thick wire rim glasses that he wore. Lips so thin, his mouth appeared to be almost a slash.
"Well that is precisely what I need to talk to you about," said the man behind the desk. "My name's Major Hansen by the way. Who gave you permission to do an operational pilot?"
"Pardon?" the Doctor was perplexed. He knew what Jack would have meant if he said he had 'done' a pilot. But the Doctor hadn't 'done' anyone, pilot or otherwise. Though why the occupation of the person being 'done' should matter was beyond him. And if he had 'done' a pilot, he failed to see where it was any business of this Major. He also wasn't aware that one needed permission to 'do' someone other than from the person they were 'doing' of course.
"Don't try to deny it. The whole world saw it."
Now the Doctor was truly confused and a bit offended. CCTV was really getting invasive if it was being used to watch people 'doing' each other. He was also dismayed to think there was someone out there who looked like him who was 'doing' people. "I really don't know what you are talking about. I believe you have a case of mistaken identity here. I certainly didn't do any pilot, operational or otherwise."
"Are you trying to deny you didn't use this?" the major pointed to the converter. "And then the entire sky caught fire."
A wave of relief washed over the Doctor. "No, no, I'm not denying that. I most definitely did do that. Sorry I was a bit confused there. It worked a treat don't you think?"
"How can I know that until I see what the thresholds and objectives were for your kpp's. I've been looking everywhere and I can't even find your AoA much less your ICD or CCD."
Confusion again descended on the Doctor. Nothing this man was saying was making any sense and the TARDIS translation circuits were at a loss to help him. He realized he was getting drawn into this man's game and decided to get onto firmer ground. "Look, I don't have time for this. If you don't give that back to me," the Doctor pointed at the converter, "and let me go. Everyone on this planet could die."
"That's what you all say. You don't have time, it has to be fielded now or the world will end," the major's voice whined as he imitated the protests he had apparently heard. "Well, I am here to tell you, nothing is so essential that you don't have time to document it properly before you field it."
The Doctor was getting frustrated. "Look, if you just contact Colonel Mace. He'll tell you…"
"Colonel Mace?!" shouted the major. "He is the worst of the lot of you. He went out and bought unauthorized munitions using his own funds and now the general tells me I have to reimburse him for it. When I tried to explain there was no way to do that legally, the general chewed my ass off and told me to find a way. Now I am stuck having to back date all the paperwork to make it seem like a legal procurement."
"Well, he really did need the munitions and it worked brilliantly," the Doctor explained feeling that maybe Mace deserved a little more credit than he was being given.
"Again, how can we know that? He never submitted what his objectives were in the first place."
"Oh that's easy, it was so he could neutralize the effect of the Cordolaine signal. The ammunition he had before wouldn't work because of the copper."
"Well finally, someone who's actually being helpful and willing to tell me something." The major started entering data into his computer as he continued. "They think just because we don't carry guns we don't have to know what they are doing, but how can I support it and keep it supplied if they don't tell me about it?
"Take this thing of yours." The major picked up the converter and deposited it none to gently down on his desk. The rattling sound it made sickened the Doctor. "How am I supposed to support this? I don't recognize any of the components. How did you even put this together?"
"Look, it doesn't need to be supported. I am the only one who is ever going to use it. But if it helps, I put it together out of some pieces I found lying around." He tried to get out of the chair so he could examine the converter and see if it was beyond repair or not. Again hands on his shoulders let him know that wasn't going to be allowed.
"So it's all made out of COTS components then?" the Major asked hopefully. "It might not be that bad then."
"Well…" the Doctor was thinking trying to figure out how this man could possibly think the converter was made out of small temporary beds. "Ah… I'm not sure."
"Come on, is this made of things you can find commercially off the shelf or not?"
"Oh," the Doctor brightened. "They're not off the shelf to tell the truth. Off a table actually, a lab table to be more specific."
"A Lab? You got the parts out of a lab? There is no way you are more than a technology readiness level of five. You need to be at least a six to do operational testing. Do you even have a temp?"
Temp, the Doctor seized on that word like a drowning man, thanking the day Donna decided to travel with him. "Yes, I have a temp, a super temp in fact, an absolutely brilliant temp."
"Finally, it looks like you did something right at least. So where is this temp? Can you produce it?"
The Doctor gestured over his shoulder as he replied. "Well, they left her back at the school. I think she may be missing a shoe right now."
"Not temp! You moron! TEMP! T, E, M, P, Test and Evaluation Master Plan, surely you had to have one for your operational pilot. How else could you have gotten through your OTRR."
The Doctor put his hands to his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Yet again the TARDIS translation circuits failed him. He had no idea what an OTRR was or why this person assumed he had been through one. But he had no more time to waste here. The Sontarans would be launching their offensive any moment now.
He turned his attention back to the perplexing major. "Look, what will it take for me to get the converter back and be on my way? I really can't spend any more time here. I promise after I'm done I'll come back and do whatever the bureaucracy requires."
It turned out that was exactly the wrong tact for the Doctor to take. The major's face became red with anger as his eyes narrowed. "You must think I am a complete fool! I wasn't born yesterday you know! I am not going to fall for that one! That is all you people ever say. You're too busy now and you'll do what I need later.
"Then later you are still too busy and I am stuck with some piece of equipment and no support plan, no training plan, no means of disposing of it and of course no budget for developing any of those things, all while you are off taking bows for what a great job you did!
"I am sick of having to clean up the messes you people leave me with!"
The Doctor took a deep breath and once again he tried reasoning with the man. "You won't have to do any of that. I am going to be the only one to ever use it. It's just this one time and that's it. You'll never see it again. No problems for you at all."
"It already is my problem. I am getting flooded with inquiries about what the overall effects are of you igniting the atmosphere. The country you did it in is a signatory to the Kyoto Protocol. I'm the one that's supposed answer all those questions. It's not your phone that's been ringing off the hook is it?"
The Doctor was beginning to think he might actually see steam come out of the man's ears. "Uh, no, but can't you just tell them it's not a problem? Everything is fine."
"Without documentation to back that statement up?!! How's that ever going to work? Do you even have an impact statement ready or hemp?"
Hemp, now the guy wanted to know about hemp. Did he mean cannabis? The Doctor had to admit the man could stand to relax a little but he didn't think drugs were the answer. "I really don't carry that kind of thing on me and I definitely don't recommend it. Perhaps a nice pot of tea would help you settle your nerves instead."
The Doctor honestly didn't think the man's face could get any redder at this point, but it did. "HEMP. H, E, M, P Hazardous Emissions Management Plan. You know the thing you should have filled out before you released lord knows what into the atmosphere with this thing here!!"
With a sweep of his hand the Major knocked the converter off his desk. It landed with a stomach-turning crash on the floor in front of the Doctor. The Doctor could hear several of the internal components shatter with the impact. The outer housing itself had a crack that ran its entire length. He looked down at the abused device, his spirits sinking. It was useless now. And there were no spare parts for it. He guessed that was one of the points this major had been trying to make.
The major was ranting on, spouting off about how it was the people who ran the supply lines who were the real heroes. Without them there would be no operational readiness or mission effectiveness. Military operations were a success despite people like the Doctor and Colonel Mace not because of them.
As he heard those words, a new plan formed in the Doctor's head. He just needed the right lead in.
"Look, it's obviously not your fault," said the major as he started winding down. "You never received the training you should have had before you were turned loose in systems development. I need to speak to your CO. He's the one I should be straightening out."
"Well, I can see you do have a point there. In fact, if you have the time I would like to take you to see my CO. I am pretty sure he has never heard of any of this, but if you can show it will improve his mission effectiveness, I know he will be interested." The Doctor held his breath hoping the major would take the bait.