I feel like I could take off and fly away any moment now. I saw my therapist last night, doctor Heldens, and she even managed to tell me that I looked better than usual. I don't know why, but I'm extremely happy to be off work today, so I can spend some time with my baby girl and, maybe, if I'm lucky, with my wife. Maybe I should actually start to call her my ex-wife. It doesn't really matter right now, I'm so happy ! There's a faint knock on my door and I immediately open it, finding Callie, Sofia and a stroller with a small child on it on the doorway.
"Hi !" I say, cheerfully. Callie places a kiss on my cheeks and smiles at me, while Sofia rushes inside to start jumping on my bed.
"Good day, huh ?" Callie says, with a huge smile on her face. "I'm glad."
"Yeah, I woke up pretty happy… You know, not having to work is always great when you risk losing babies to make a living." I joke and she smiles.
She sits on my bed and tells Sofia to stop jumping "You might break mama's bed" she says, softly. Sofia sits quietly on the floor and I sit down next to her and start playing fire trucks with her. It's her new favourite game, she seems to be in love with fire trucks and it's so damn cute. I look at Callie for a second, she's standing up now and walking towards the stroller.
"So…" I begin. She leans on the stroller and picks up the small child. "Who's the little boy ?"
She looks at me for a second and the baby starts crying. I don't think he can be older than six or seven months and I think I'd know if Callie had had another baby with someone. "Oh, this is Logan."
I nod and look at her, as to tell her that I need a little longer explanation. ""He's my sister's son." It must be hard for Callie to have a happily married sister with a new born while she's going through a divorce.
"Oh, I didn't know she'd had a son. He's lovely." I say, softly. She looks at me for a second and I feel stupid for saying the word lovely. Babies are not lovely, they're cute, they're adorable. Not lovely. "He's really cute."
She smiles at me, "Do you mind holding him for a second while I go to the bathroom ?"
Of course I don't mind, why would I ? I'm holding a baby on my day off and it's not even my own. I look at him, he is actually really cute and I can't help but smile at him. And then it hits me. He has dark brown hair and light blue eyes.. Something about him reminds me of her. He looks like her. This might even be Callie's son, with another person. A man, maybe. Or another woman. Or whatever. I can't. He looks so much like her, how could I have not noticed that she was pregnant ? How could I ? I see her almost everyday and I didn't notice that she was pregnant, how stupid am I ? I feel sick and I want to cry and this stupid baby is on my lap giggling.
"Stop it !" I find myself screaming. "Just fucking stop it !"
The baby –what's his name again ?- starts crying, Sofia's crying and I'm crying as well. Everyone's crying and I can't live like this anymore, I want to scream and I want to crush my head against the wall. Callie enters the room running like she's seen a ghost behind her back and rushes to get the baby –who is now on the bed next to me- and then Sofia. My sweet little girl looks so scared, she's used to seeing me always happy and cheerful... I don't want her to see me the way I was post plane crash. I was awful to Callie and, apparently, I still am.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" I start whispering. I look at Callie and I don't know if what I see in her eyes is pain or anger. Probably both. I should be used to it by now… But I'm not. I'm obviously not. "I'm sorry." I say again, loudly. Both children seem to have calmed down and I feel slightly better.
"It's okay, don't worry. You're just stressed out." Callie says, softly. She places the small boy in his stroller and tells Sofia to go back to her fire trucks, then sits next to me. "You hang on in there." I realize just now that she knows how much I'm suffering for our divorce and I believe she's suffering as well. She' probably just handling it better than I am, it's not even that difficult. I think being the one to decide when to end a marriage is never easy, but it's surely easier than being the one who doesn't get to decide. I just have to accept that this is her decision and there's no going back from here. I feel trapped, once again. I wish I could be as strong as she is, I wish I could be Sofia's rock for once. I hate for her to see me like this... And it's not even the first time. After the plane crash, I thought I didn't care if she saw how miserable I was. How angry I was. But, deep down, it crashed me to know that Sofia was old enough to understand what was going on. She was only two, but she was there whenever I started crying for no reason. She was there when I screamed for hours in my bedroom, alone. She was there when I yelled at her mother for nothing. She was always there and she knew. I felt stronger when I was younger, maybe my attachment to Callie made me weaker, way weaker than I'm supposed to be and it sucks.
"What if it makes you sad at me ? What if it makes you laugh now but you cry as you fall asleep ? What if it takes your breath and you can hardly breathe ? What is it makes the last sound be the very best sound ? What if what I want makes you sad at me ? And is it all my fault, how can I fix this, please ?