Title: Grandma Doesn't Always Know Best.

Author: Linstock

Code: Spock/Uhura/Gaila

Rating: G

Type: Humour

Betas: (in alphabetical order) atana71 and SpockLikesCats

Warning: Nudity.

Summary: Grandma had given Nyota a lot of good advice, but it seems she doesn't always know best…or sometimes we are our own worst enemies.

Disclaimer: do not own the Star trek the characters or profit in from this writing.

Chapter 2

Nyota's voice now sounded flat and defeated. "I've used this technique before and it works. I used it with my high school gym teacher and it worked fine. He was obnoxious. He intimidated everyone and forced us do things that were just beyond our capabilities. One girl had already broken her arm on the high jump he bullied her into earlier in the year. He said we had to challenge ourselves, but there is a difference between being challenged and bullying. We were all terrified of him. One day he started in on me. I pictured him with no clothes on; and poof," she made a little exploding action with her fingertips, "his clothes sort of exploded off him and there he was. Well thankfully my mind protected me and he had on some droopy, old, yellowed Y fronts," Nyota wrinkled her nose at the memory, "but it worked, and I was able to stand up to him.

"Y fronts?"Gaila enquired.

"Tighty whiteys, 'though these ones were not white." Nyota shuddered.

Gaila still looked blank.

"Male's undergarments, wayyy uglier than Starfleet issue," said Nyota, "Not important."

"I see," said Gaila making a mental note for further study on the net later.

"I used the technique at my Star fleet interview. Talk about intimidating… I had Captain Bond, Commodore Stibbons, Captain Pike and Commander A'tulla on the panel. I swear Commodore Stibbons could freeze water with his eyes alone. I would hate to be on the other side of a negotiating table from him! Commander A'tulla - had her antennae pointed right at me the whole time and that's just plain aggressive. She was in full Andorian uniform too, complete with his ceremonial Shrar hanging at her side. And El Captitane Bondino," said Nyota, snapping off a smart salute, "Was the brisk efficient man of action we all know and avoid. How such a senior officer gets away with being a bottom pincher I can not imagine."

"At least he is equal opportunity," said Gaila.

"Huh?"

"He'll pinch any bottom, male, or female or other. If it's species with no bottom I'm sure he'd improvise."

"It's still not much of a recommendation."

"True."

"Anyway, compared with them Captain Pike seemed quite friendly and you know how Pike can be when he wants."

"You had a tough line-up there," said Gaila.

"Damn straight," replied Nyota.

"So what happened?"

"I was quaking in my boots, so I thought of Nyanya's little trick," and Nyota raised her hand in front of her face and with all her fingertips pressed closely together. "Poof," she said, and slowly opened her hand wide. "Clothes scattered messily all over the room and there sat four butt-naked panel members," Nyota grinned. "Thankfully they were all sitting behind a desk or it would have been wayyyy too much information."

"Uh...that's your mind, Nyota, remember that."

"I don't know," mused Nyota. "Maybe I channel a sort of psychic power. I think they were spot on correct. Once you see, Stubborn Stibbins with man boobs, thick grey chest hair and tufts of wiry underarm hair sticking out," said Nyota illustrating by waving her finger in the vicinity of her armpit, "He's a whole lot easier to talk to. Commander A'tulla was sort of sweet, all sky blue, scrawny and vulnerable looking. And Pincher Bond…Eehew," Nyota shuddered dramatically.

"What about Captain Pike?" asked Gaila eagerly.

Nyota raised a considering eyebrow. "Not bad actually, not bad at all. He's getting on a bit but still very nicely toned and lean."

"I'd do him in minute," said Gaila with a sigh.

Nyota looked down her nose at Gaila -it was the only way she could look at her seeing the Orion was sitting at the end of her bed and still gently rubbing her feet.

"Gaila, that's not news."

Gaila shrugged.

"Anyway the interview board complimented me after the interview on how relaxed and natural I was. I suppose after you interview twenty or so aspiring cadets who are barely able to form a sentence due to nerves, it stands out if someone is relaxed."

"Okay, so I get it –you're a maestro at mentally stripping people and have used this advanced skill as a force for good, to right wrongs and further your career."

Who would have thought, gloated Gaila, still waters do run deep.

Nyota nodded.

"So what happened today?"

Nyota's face scrunched up, "Today my own brain betrayed me."

She propped herself up on her elbows and looked at Gaila with sad, tortured eyes. "If you can't trust your own brain Gaila who can you trust?" Nyota flopped back on the bed with a deep sigh.

"So…?"

"So, like I said, the Commander was being a prissy, picky, pedantic, puerile, pompous, persistent, precious, ponderous, perspicacious, presumptuous, punctilious, pain!"

Gaila couldn't help herself - she let go of Nyota's feet and applauded.

Nyota nodded in brief acknowledgement

"And I took a deep breath…"

Gaila took a deep breath.

"Briefly shut my eyes, and opened them and..."

"Poof"' said Gaila, using the hand gesture Nyota had used earlier.

"No," said Nyota, "no poof. He just stood there fully clothed."

##

Gaila's shoulders slumped. "Well what's the problem then, the failure of your mental clothes- removing ability?"

Nyota was pursing her lips…hard, and glaring at Gaila.

"Okay, I'll be quiet," said Gaila, and pretended to zip her lips together.

Nyota made a strange strangled noise something like, "Nuggh." "He stood looking at me, still talking and without the slightest change in his facial expression, slid his hand down the front of that licorice jacket."

"That jacket that moulds so lovingly to his lean but muscular chest and back?" sighed Gaila.

"Yes, that one," snapped Nyota, most unreasonably, Gaila thought. She was only trying to help create the right atmosphere.

"Then he shrugged out of it, and hung it on the back of the chair. Hung it!" Nyota wailed. "He is even neat in MY imagination."

"Next he grabbed the bottom of the black undershirt. The tight black undershirt…" Nyota's voice wobbled a bit, "and pulled it over his head in one fluid move." Nyota whimpered, "I swear I never knew my imagination was that good. I saw every muscle, every blasted muscle in his chest and arms and shoulders rippled with the movement. Why did we have to study basic anatomy?" she demanded.

"Because it is a compulsory unit in Field First Aid so we can efficiently give care during emergencies," stated Gaila.

"I know," said Nyota and she sounded close to tears, "but it's not helpful."

Gaila could tell that this was the time for some serious foot massage and quickly found the points connected to Nyota's speech centres, massaging them in earnest.

"He had such gorgeous chest hair. Do Vulcans even have chest hair? Evidently my brain decided they do. Sort of heart shaped," Nyota's hands lingered more than was necessary as she outlined the shape on her own chest, she took a ragged breath, " springy, yet silky soft and all arrowing down in a trail that disappeared into the waistband of those fitted black trousers. Nuggh."

"Ah yes," said Gaila dreamily, "the happy trail, I know it well"

"GAILA!"

"What? I didn't mean the Commander's happy.. oh never mind, I'm sorry, you were saying?"

"Well, about then Commander Spock looked at me and asked if the heat was too high in his room. He could tell I was flushed; I was probably sweating. I don't remember," Nyota was starting to babble.

"He lifted one leg and rested it over his knees yoga style you know pose of the..something bird..and...and unzipped his boot and removed it and the sock. He folded the sock, folded it, and put it in his boot top and placed them next to the chair. And did the boot and sock. What is wrong with me? All I wanted was an even playing field. All I wanted was, 'Poof'," said Nyota plaintively.

"Poof," she repeated in a pathetic small voice.

"Poof," concurred Gaila in a sympatheticly. "And then what Ny?"

He said, " 'Cadet Uhura', and he seemed a little concerned. He wasn't actually frowning, but he seemed concerned, 'would you like me to outline the duties of the lab assistant position?' and I must have said 'yes', because off he went again."

"I have no idea what he said." Nyota almost wailed, "I could be expected to shinny up the central flag pole and hang by my ankles and I wouldn't know."

##

Gaila was frowning, "It seems unlikely."

"Unlikely! Any more unlikely than the Commander reaching down and undoing the button on his waist band, then the fly on his trousers?"

"No, not more unlikely than that. I mean he must do that, sometimes, but not in the office with you there - or any cadet, for that matter," replied Gaila.

"Exactly. But with one fluid move he slid his trousers off with his regulation undershorts and folded them on top of the jacket. Thank goodness he was standing partly behind his chair. I could see his full back view reflected in the window behind him…. Nuggh." Nyota, overcome by extreme emotion, ripped the pillow from under her head and slammed it over her face and started hitting it.

Gaila felt she had to intervene. She moved forward and gently restrained the flailing arm and the pillow.

"Friends do not let friends self harm," she said soothingly.

Of course Orion friends could help friends self gratify. Gallia wistfully cast an eye towards her "goodie drawer". But that was not to be. Gaila sighed and decided this evening she would find Jim Kirk and see if she could make his clothes go, "Poof".

"Pity friends can't stop friends imagining a Commanding Officer performing slow strip tease." Nyota snarled interrupting Gaila's train of thoughts.

"Be fair, Nyota, he wasn't teasing."

"No, he wasn't, and that made it worse." Nyota was hitting the bed now with both hands. "He was so matter-of-fact and so goddamn gorgeously erotic and he just kept talking calmly telling me my duties! My own brain did that to me. I did that to myself. I am a menace. I will never be able to look at him again with out …. Ohh God…without…" her fingers made pitiful little wanting to touch movements, like an infant who's favourite toy was just out of reach, "Nuggh!"

Nytoa grabbed the pillow and stuck it back over her face. Gaila waited, there was no repeat of the hitting so she let it be.

A muffled voice emerged from under the pillow and said, "Do you know what I did?"

Gaila perked up. This sounded interesting. "No, what did you do?"

"I ran."

"Oh." Don't sound disappointed. Do not sound disappointed.

"Yep, I just garbled some nonsense about being late for another appointment and I bolted out of his office like there was a le'matya after me. I ran down the hall, across the quad and I didn't stop until I got to my room."

"I see," said Gaila.

Nyota was oblivious of her friend's disappointment.

"What is wrong with me?" Wailed Nyota, throwing the pillow across the room. "My brain should be removed and cleaned or rebooted or something. He must think I am crazy - or at least unbalanced."

She sat up and looked pleadingly at Gaila. "What is wrong with me?"

Gaila knew this was a delicate moment. Her repressed bookish little roomie had been totally unprepared for this.

"Sweetie, you can only ignore something of so long and it will make itself heard. You know you have been avoiding relationships and …sex… for a long time and that is not good for you. Don't forget; a grown woman does not live by books alone."

"You mean this could keep happening?"

"'Fraid so."

"...so what you're saying is..'

"Since it's not in your schedule to get laid anytime soon, yes. That's what I'm sayin'

"Oh God," said Nyota lowering her head into her hands, "I wont be able to go anywhere. "

"Well, in your case I rather think it effect will be isolated to just the commander."

"The commander?"

"The commander." Gaila paused and let that sink in. "Have you ever wondered why he riles you up sooo much? Why you, a normally calm and cool professional turn into a crazed virago around him?"

Nyota frowned, "I thought it was because he was an irritating, self opinionated, hyper- logical Vulcan."

"True," said Gaila, "But why would that worry you? If it were anyone else you'd just mentally shrug and let it be."

Nyota's face was a mask of horror.

Gaila made a show of flipping an imaginary coin and caught it and slapped it on her wrist. She said, "One side of the coin is hate, the other -" she pretended to turn it over, "is …love."

"But, but.. I.." Nyota was spluttering.

"It's all heightened arousal states. I am Orion and I know about heightened arousal states in all their variety and glory. I can tell you, at no charge, that when you were describing the Commanders slow disrobing I had a hard time controlling myself, the backwash of arousal coming off you was so intense. Pheromone city. You," Gaila jabbed Nyota in the ribs, "Are so turned on that you would probably climax if he so much as breathed on you."

"Nuggh"

"Face it."

Nyota looked around desperately.

"You can't run all the time; it was bound to catch up with you."

"I don't believe you! Its just not me, I'm not like that! I've got goals, I've got…"

"Hormones and needs and desires," said Gaila, "everyone does. Let's do an experiment. Close your eyes, go on close them. Okay, picture that full length reflection of the Commander's back view in his office window. Can you see him? Okay," Gaila's voice became soothing and lilting as she purred, "notice his… broad shoulders… mus-cu-lar back with the deep smooth indent along his spine just right to run your fingers down … down to narrow hips, with that oh-so-touchable hollow in each check of that ..smoothly rounded ..tight ..ass, ..his ..long ..lean ..legs…"

As Gaila watched and Nyota's nostrils flared, she took a deep, unsteady breaths, and sweat broke out on her forehead.

Gaila pursed her lips and said in a matter of fact voice, "In my informed opinion, as an Orion and a woman, if you do not jump that man it could be injurious to your health."

"Nuggh!"

Nyota closed her eyes and held up her hand. "Okay, lets accept - and I don't, mind you - but for argument's sake, let's just accept that you are right and I have some sort of weird suppressed wish-fulfilment thing going on. Fine - I'll avoid him. That's easy to do. I'll turn down the job, sit at the back of lectures, transfer my tutorial group and stay away from him. I can do that."

"Sweetie, it won't be that easy. You know the truth now. Your mind just supplied you with an information dump detailing exactly what it wants. No way can you un-know that."

"Sure I can. I hated him before. I can go back to that H-A-T-E and avoid, perfectly logical."

Just then Nyota's comm pinged. She had a message. She stood and walked over to the comm, leaving a trail of roiling pheromones in her wake. As she sat and read, her eyes grew wider.

She finally turned to Gaila her face a mask of horror, "It's from Commander Spock. It's my schedule for the lab assistant job. It seems I accepted the position somewhere between him removing his socks and his jocks." She looked panicked, " I might have, Gaila, I might have proposed and I wouldn't remember. "

Gaila pulled sympathetic face.

"He apologises for keeping me so long." She looked Gaila, "He apologises. If he knew what I was thinking he would probably have nerve-pinched me to put me out of my misery." Nyota read some more, "He saw me running across the quad and says he didn't realise that I had an appointment of such urgency and he regrets any inconvenience he caused but detaining me. Then he says when we are working together I must make my needs clear and he will endeavour to accommodate them. " Nyota's voice trailed away and there was a long pause.

Nyota sat and stared at the comm looking all soft and dewy, "He apologises," she whispered. "He wants to accommodate my needs." Her eyes filled with tears, "That's so sweet."

Gaila sighed deeply. She could tell it was going to be a long semester, a very long semester indeed.

The End.

AN: Dear reader, if you smiled or rolled you eyes, even once, as you read you are honour bound to leave a comment and say when..its the rules…

I can not thank atana71 and SpockLikesCats adequately for their contribution. Time is a precious, scarce thing, that they choose to spend their time assisting me, a stranger in all but the love of Star Trek, is both amazing and gratifying. I can not express how much I value their contribution.