Reala's thoughts
He sleeps in my arms, and cries into my chest, I wish I could do more.
I hear him cry at night praying through his tears, asking god to take his breath away, it kills me to hear it. He tries to fake it, hide his pain, his agony, but you can see it in his eyes. I know he wants to scream, I know he wants to die, I'm so scared that he might fall asleep and never wake up, that he'll lapse and stay that way, and I'm most definitely afraid that he'll take his own life just to make the pain go away, but what can I do?
When he lapses he's so scared to be alone, be without me, I'm his security, his comfort, and I can't help but stay with him, let him sleep against my chest, there's nothing else I can do, I don't wish to be the cause of his tears.
He doesn't know that, when I can't sleep, I sit by his bedside and watch him wriggle and moan in pain, and I pray to whoever is listening up there to make his pain go away, I even ask that it would be given to my; I can't watch my young brother suffer anymore.
I do think that maybe he is going mad, but I shake those thoughts away, 'he will get better' I tell myself, 'look at how he has progressed,' I tell myself, 'he barely lashes out at anyone anymore,' I tell myself, but it's a lie, all of it. Sometimes he tells me he wants to just give up; I tell him that he can't, he tells me that if it gets to the point when he cannot even move his fingers without burning pain he wants me to…to…but I can't, I won't, what ever he says I won't do it, it's not going to get to that point…is it?
Adia cries too, I think she's heard Nights' thoughts about suicide as well, but I can't do anything to sooth her broken heart either…I cant…we're all scared for Nights, we don't know what to do to help him, we're at a lose, all we can do is keep him safe when he lapses, and keep him alive when he's not, and that means we need to watch over him, and because of that I don't get very much sleep any more, but I don't care; if it keeps Nights alive for another day I would stay awake, and by his side forever, but of course Adia cares about my health more then I do, and sends me to sleep while she takes care of Nights.
I still can't stop blaming myself for this; I wish I would have seen it coming, I would take my own life if it meant that Nights could live like he used to; happy and ridiculous, I would have begged the Wizemin to let me take his place; I just want him to be happy again, is that to much to ask?
I don't want to see him writhe in pain anymore; I don't want to see him go somewhere private to cry, I don't want to see him lash out at his friends for the small things, I don't want to see him pray for death anymore, and most of all I don't want to watch him slowly go mad.
There he is now, he doesn't look too good, he must be lapsing. All I can do is hold him in my arms until he falls asleep, I hate watching him lapse, but he doesn't want to be with anyone else when he does. so it shall start, again…