A/N: Guess I couldn't wait for the finale :) I apologize if the hearing stuff is totally wrong, I know nothing about law! Angst warning, I couldn't help myself. Thank you for the kind comments on my first chapter! xx
Harvey wasn't sure how long they had been sitting there when he finally felt Donna still against him and drift off to sleep. He felt like picking her up in his arms and carrying her to bed, carefully folding a blanket around her and kissing her forehead. But then he wouldn't be holding her anymore, and he couldn't let it end just yet, not when he could feel her heart beating against his chest and smell her hair on his shoulder. And he definitely couldn't let her wake up alone, thinking that he had abandoned her yet again.
So he stays right there, and drifts off to sleep with her lying against his chest, thinking that even though they were fully clothed, and hadn't made it to bed, it was just as good as one of his dreams – maybe even better.
She wakes to the distant sound of her phone ringing. It takes her a few moments to grasp her surroundings – she realizes with a start that she had fallen asleep on Harvey. He was still wearing his shirt and trousers, with his arms folded across her body, stirring but still asleep. She couldn't help but feel surprised that he hadn't snuck out in the middle of the night and left her to sort out whether everything that had happened last night had been a figment of her imagination. She carefully extricates herself from his embrace and goes to her bedroom to find her phone.
She glances at the screen – Thomas – and closes her eyes, absorbing the reality of her situation. She can't do this now, not when she's just woken up in Harvey's arms. She ignores the call and walks back into the living room. He's awake and sitting up now – his normally perfect hair is slightly disheveled, and he'd unbuttoned his wrinkled shirt. He didn't look like the Harvey Specter the world knew, but she thinks this look suits him ever better. He smiles when he sees her coming toward him, and she thinks cautiously that he doesn't seem to be regretting the fact that he just slept on her couch fully clothed.
"Hey," he says warmly. "You feeling better?"
"Yes," she whispers. "Harvey…thank you, for staying. I didn't think…" she trails off, uncertainly.
"Donna, I want you to know that I meant every word I said last night," he says, his voice breaking with emotion. And there's nothing I want more than to kiss you, and hold you, and be with you right now. But you're with Thomas, so I need to go and let you think, and I'll see you at the hearing later, OK?"
She nods at him wordlessly, feeling the panic rise in her chest at the mention of the hearing. She can't understand how he seems so calm. He kisses her on the forehead and squeezes her hand and goes to the door, glancing back at her one last time, and then he's gone.
She sits down on the sofa and takes out her phone. She knows she can't keep avoiding Thomas when she's going to be seeing him in a few hours.
He answers on the first ring and says with concern, "Donna? How are you? I was worried about you when you didn't call last night."
"Thomas, I'm – I'm doing OK. Just worried about the hearing."
"Donna, I wanted you to know that I've thought a lot about what you said, and I need to tell you that I won't be able to live with myself if I don't tell the truth. But the truth is that Harvey didn't tell me, and you never told me how you knew, so I won't be giving them any proof that he had anything to do with that. And you're not an attorney, so there's nothing at stake for you here, right?"
She sighs. If only he knew how much was at stake for her. His plan all sounds good in theory, but she's been here before, and she knows that things come out on the stand that you're not expecting. "I understand, Thomas. I know you're an honest man and it's one of the things I really admire about you." She realizes with a sinking feeling that she can't end things with him before the hearing, not when he's about to testify about her, and Harvey, and knowing Hardman, maybe even her and Harvey. "I'll see you later, OK?"
She hangs up and takes a deep breath and goes to find something to wear. She scans her closet and picks out the most serious outfit she can find, a long-sleeved black suit dress, and idly wonders whether Harvey is choosing his battle armor at the very same moment.
When she exits her building and sees the black car there, her heart skips a beat. Then she sees Thomas step out of the back seat and smile at her. "Hey, beautiful. You sounded nervous on the phone earlier, so I thought I'd come by and we could head over together."
"Of course," she says with a smile. He leans in to kiss her. Thirteen years of concealing her feelings around Harvey had given her plenty of practice, so she knows she can get through the next few hours without him suspecting anything. She takes a deep breath and gets in the car.
They arrive at the courthouse and Thomas reaches for her hand with an encouraging smile. As they head toward the door, she sees the Lexus pull up behind them, and Harvey steps out. He's wearing her favorite gray suit and a blue-gray tie that she had given him, a dozen Christmases ago.
Harvey nods at the two of them, his eyes travelling to their interlocked hands, and says curtly, "Donna. Thomas." His face is inscrutable and she can't tell if he's upset by the sight of them together, but she holds his gaze and tries to show him all she feels with her eyes, that he was the one whose hand she wanted to be holding.
"I call Harvey Specter."
Harvey feels numb as he walks up and takes his seat at the front of the court room. He faces Hardman head on and puts on his best poker face for the occasion – he's not going to let that bastard see him squirm.
"Mr. Specter, did you tell Thomas Kessler that Simon Lowe did not intend to go ahead with their tenancy deal?"
"No."
"Did you tell Donna Paulsen?"
"Yes." He's never been one to lie under oath and he's not going to start now.
"Why?"
"Because she's the COO of our firm, and she was handling some of the paperwork for the deal and needed to be aware of any relevant developments." This was a little white lie, but he didn't think it was too much of a stretch; she certainly seemed to spend most of her time doing paperwork these days.
"A COO personally helping with case filings! But of course, Ms. Paulsen has always been so very dedicated to her...job. Mr Specter, at the time were you aware that Mr. Kessler and Ms. Paulsen were in a relationship?"
"Yes."
"Thus, did you not think it likely that Ms. Paulsen would share this privileged information with her boyfriend, whose business was so intimately affected by the outcome of this deal?"
"No, I was absolutely sure she would not do that."
"Interesting. So, I assume that you would then consider it to be a fireable offence, if Ms. Paulsen had, in fact, broken the firm's confidentiality policy and told Mr. Kessler?"
He hesitates. He can see where Hardman is going. He is pushing until it hurts, and he knows exactly where it hurts from the years he had spent working with both of them. "Yes, in most circumstances, but–"
"In that case, why is Ms. Paulsen still employed by the firm of Zane Specter Litt Wheeler Williams?" Hardman spat out each name with contempt, and Harvey knows he is circling in for the kill.
Harvey says nothing. He can't bear to think what Donna is feeling right now, and as much as he wants to find her face in the crowd, he knows that would only make things worse. When he hasn't said anything for a few moments, Hardman presses again, "As I see it, either Ms. Paulsen did this, and deserves to be fired and never work as a COO again, or – and here's the fun part – you can take the blame, since you were the one you told her in the first place." Harvey wants to knock the shit-eating grin off Hardman's face, but he clenches his fists together under the table and says nothing.
"So, which is it? Would you like to release a statement saying that your COO Donna Paulsen is terminated from her position for breaching the company ethics policy, effective immediately, or would you like to have your license to practice law revoked and issue a public apology to my client taking responsibility?"
Harvey hears Hardman's voice but it all feels rather far away, as though coming to him through a tunnel. He doesn't see a way out, and he's so very tired of fighting. Fragments of memories flash before his eyes, and he hears Donna's voice in his head.
"You know I've put you over me for years."
"I'm in my position because I fucking earned it."
"I, Donna Paulsen, hereby resign from the firm."
"I hope I proved myself worthy of the title."
He realizes now that Hardman didn't even care about proving that he was the one who had broken privilege. He had built up to this exact moment for the express purpose of putting Harvey through the pain he knew he would feel by having to make the worst choice imaginable. And yet, in the end, it felt like there was no choice at all, only her, just as it had always been.
"You can disbar me."
She hears the words come out of his mouth and wants to jump up and shout and stop him, but she feels frozen to her seat, paralyzed at the thought that this is really happening. It's not a bad dream, and it can't be taken back.
Harvey leaves so fast that he's gone before she's even managed to collect herself enough to stand up. She sees Thomas' lips moving and feels him put his arm around her but she's in a daze and can't block out the ringing in her ears.
"Donna!" She's jolted out of her reverie by Thomas' voice; they've left the courtroom and are standing in the hallway, with the incessant rush of people around her making her feel even more unsteady.
"Are you OK? You've been off in your own world, I know this is a big shock–"
"Thomas, I need – I need to go to him," she gasps, her voice shaking. "I'm so sorry."
Thomas sighs. "You know, I've suspected for some time that you two might have feelings for each other, but I guess I just didn't want to admit it to myself. You're an incredible woman Donna, but I think there's someone else who's had your heart for a long time."
She can't hold back the tears as she looks up at him and thinks about everything they could have had, in another life. "Thomas, I want you to know – I meant everything I said to you. You could be the perfect man for me, and I wanted this to work more than you know. I'm so sorry I can't give you what you need."
"I understand." He kisses her hand and hugs her and then he's gone. She runs through the lobby, cursing her 4-inch heels, and rushes through the doors, looking frantically for a cab. Then she sees Ray leaning on his car and doesn't understand. "Ray! Harvey already left, what–"
"He took a cab. He told me to stay and watch out for you. Asked me to take you home."
She can't fathom the fact that he he'd had the presence of mind to be concerned for her, minutes after being disbarred. Tears welling in her eyes again, she says, "I don't want to go to my place. I want to be with him."
With a faint smile, Ray opens the door for her, and says, "Funnily enough, Donna, I got the feeling that's exactly what he meant by home."
There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust
This is a place where I don't feel alone
This is a place where I feel at home
And I built a home
For you
For me
Until it disappeared
From me
From you
And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust
–The Cinematic Orchestra