RANTING (4X22)

"Hey," Kelly says as he walks into the apartment, curious to find Matt alone, in the living room, open beer cans around him.

"Hi," Matt answers, his low tone portraying his mood.

"No Dawes?"

"No. No Dawes. No. Dawes."

"Okay…" Kelly treads lightly, trying to assess Matt's mood and sobriety, "Anything happen? You wanna talk about it?"

"No. I want to drink my weight in alcohol and fucking forget about it." Matt answers darkly.

"Sounds great." Kelly smiles as he pulls a six-pack from his backpack, his eyebrows shooting up in a suggestive question.

"Welcome!" Matt huffs laughingly, as he makes room for Kelly on the couch.

"Anything on? Anyone playing?" Kelly asks, trying to distract Matt from the thoughts rattling in his head.

"No, too late. But I recorded yesterday's Hawks game for Gabby… so there's that."

"That it is then," Kelly says as he fiddles with the remote control.

"She's just, so…. aaaghh!"

2 minutes, 40 seconds, Kelly thinks to himself, could have been worse.

"What, Matt? She's what? What happened?"

"She decided to adopt that kid."

"She what?"

"Yeah. She decided, on her own, that she's adopting that boy from the fire, on her own."

"What do you mean on her own? What about you?"

"Exactly! I was hesitant for like 5 minutes, trying to look at it in a rational way, think things through, and suddenly, she's all, 'you're not ready and that's fine but this is the right time for me and I'm doing it.'"

"So, you don't want to adopt the boy?"

"That's not the point!"

"Oh, sorry. What's the point then?"

"The point is, that it's so fucking easy for her to just push me aside and make her own decisions and just leave, for a boy she doesn't know yet if she can adopt. It's like I come last after everything! She wants to be a firefighter - we put out relationship on hold, she wants to be an adoptive mother - we put our relationship on hold. I just, I don't understand anymore. What's the point, if it's so one-sided? It's like our relationship is a filler between other things for her."

"I'm sorry, man." Kelly offers, knowing it's not going to help or make a difference.

"Yeah, well…"

"But, what does it mean? You're off? You're not together?"

"I'm not even sure. She's so determined to do this on her own, she didn't exactly make me feel like I'm welcome to be a part of it. And she left things between us so open, I have no idea where we stand."

"What do you want?"

"Her! I love her, I want to make her happy, but I don't want to be in a relationship feeling like this, feeling second best to everything, feeling like I love her more than she does me."

Kelly inhales sharply at that, "That's a shit feeling. I'm sorry man."

"Thanks. Sorry. I said I wasn't gonna talk about it and then I just dumped it on you."

"It's fine, don't worry about it. happy to listen."

They sit in silence for a while, absentmindedly watching the game.

"What would you do?" Matt asks suddenly, his voice small and bashful.

"In your shoes? I don't know. My relationships always end faster than that, it's always clear there's no real question, we each remain free to go, no strings attached. But that's the other side of it - no strings attached."

"You ever regret it?"

"You know I do." Kelly says earnestly, referring to their private conversation on the roof a few weeks earlier, in which he'd hinted to his loneliness.

"So, you think I should fight for her?"

"I don't know. You don't deserve to feel like that. You deserve someone who makes you feel good and worthy and cared for. Someone who will try their best to put you first."

"You think she doesn't try?"

"It's not about what I think Matt, it's about what you're experiencing. I just hope you realize you deserve good, Matt."

"Yeah well,"

"You do, Matt." Kelly says, letting his fingers rest on Matt's wrist, "you're good and you des-"

"Kelly," Matt pulls back his hand suddenly, his eyes huge as they fly between Kelly's eyes and fingers and his own wrist.

"What?" Kelly asks, confused, his eyes follow Matt's worriedly.

"Your fingers are freezing,"

"From the beer bottle, sorr-"

"No. I mean. That was, that was, that really turned me on,"

"What? How drunk are you right now?"

"Some. But I mean, I don't know, that was, like a flash through my body. That was,"

When Matt raises his eyes again to Kelly, his wrist still lying in his other hand, like he's protecting it, he can see the worry and the wonder in Kelly's eyes.
Something about the moment and that feeling in his body and the look in Kelly's eyes just pulls him in, encouraging to look further for that feeling, that flash of heat or cold through his body.

Kelly can see the question in his eyes, everything else momentarily forgotten. It's a physical force that pushes Matt toward him and in the split second he must react, must make a decision between accepting and declining, between letting Matt's curiosity lead and reason to take over.

"Matt," he whispers, and Matt's eye fly open into his, huge and lost and blue. "You don't want to do this,"

"You sure?" Matt whispers back, their back and forth becoming hurried.
Kelly can see the inner struggle between hurt, reason, and alcohol developing inside Matt.

"Yes, pretty sure,"

"Why?"

"Because you're drunk and you're in pain and I don't think it's what you really want to do in this condition. Because I don't want you to do this in this condition. Because you're too important to me to ruin over a drunk mistake."

"Hmmm," Matt says as his eyes become heavy, "that's a lot of reasons…" his direction changes from leaning forward towards Kelly to leaning sideways onto the backrest of the couch.

"Yeah," Kelly says relentingly, smiling as he watches Matt succumb to his fatigue.

"What if I weren't drunk?" Matt succeeds to mumble quietly, his eyes already closed, "Would you let me kiss you then?"

And then he doses off, his chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm.

Kelly stays seated by him for a few moments, looking at him sleeping calmly. He then gets up and covers him with the throw-over, before clearing the beer bottles to the kitchen.

But on his way back through the living room to his bed room, he leans quickly over matt, laying a gentle kiss on his hair, whispering softly in his ear, "Yes."