Medic Goes to See the Medic: A Tale of How Medic Did Some Stuff
Afuluthers knot:
Hi every 1. I'm back. After having so much fun with the last chapter that I did the writing of I decided I was going to write… drum roll… Ta Sequel (O'rly?). So… I here you asking… What's this one about? Well I'm glad you asked friend, this story is a very serious one and… Hahaha no… I can't type 'serious' with a straight face (but I can type a straight face :| see). Any way grab a tampon and stick it up there (you'll see) and in the words of Gabe "Have fun" :D
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Rated F for fill that Twinkie with cream, mmmmmmmmmmm, *licks lips*
WARNING: No warning this time, am feeling like a lazy bastard, derp.
HO, HO, HO. HEAR WE GO…
It was a dark and rainy morning in Tuefort, New Mexico. The birds were dying and plummeting from the sky, the Mann Co. store was NOT selling useless fucking hats, and RED Sniper COULDN'T take a man piss in a filthy scrubber jar like the gypsy, homeless, fuck that he is.
"Arrrrr… piss," growled the Sniper. "Why can't Oi take a leak?!"
"Hi ya Sniper," said RED Soldier scratching his ass with a fork and walking into the rec room, which is where they was.
"Solider Oi have a BBBBBBBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG problem," Sniper shouts calmly and Soldier gets shocked. "Oi can't take a piss and if Oi can't take a piss Oi can't make jarate!"
"Hmmmm," sad Solider. He was thinking the hard about problem that Sniper was having. "Mayby you forgot how to take a piss." Solider suggested. Here let me show you. So solider Took out his painis. "Alright Sniper pay attention." Solider grunted a lot and started to take a piss, spraying urine in 2 directions because he has a two headed painis. "Excellent job men," he said to his patriotic, American made pain is which had a little, American flag hung on it like a flag pole.
Sniper was embarrassed at the fact that he couldn't be urinating in a jar, especially since he was the best pisser on the team, so he did the hard trying to urinate. Suddenly something warm started coming out of him. "Oi'm doin' it," said Sniper all happy, bee 4 realising that his didgeridoo was stinging the bad. "Oh wanker….." He looked down to see that the jar was been filled with a bright red bloodly liquid that was probably blood.
"OMG," Shouted Solider with his fists. "Something isn't right here." He grabbed Snipers thingy and did some looking at it, getting his eye very close to Sniper's kangaroo wife pleasing instrument. "Perhaps you have a really bad STD (Sexily Transmitted Disease).
Snapper gapped. "OH NOOOOOOOO, What do a do question mark" He asked.
"I don't know said Solider" "Let me ask someone… Merasmus!" he shouted to summon Merasmus from the place where Merasmus was.
Merasmus walked into the room slowly like an old person does when they are old (This is in character Be cause Merasmus does not levitate around when he is walking and he is old). "This better be important Solider?" Merasmus said, "Im getting a perm." (LOL each of the lines in this paragraph started with Merasmus XD LOL (NOTE: if you are reading did on fanfiction web sit it may not be like this because of formatting and other such things (if so then don't read wats in these brakets cause it makes no sense :)))) - level three chin.
Soldier asked Merasmus "Merasmus, S nipper can't take a piss, what does this meeeeeeeeeean?" Solider asked. Merasmus gasped.
"Oh cunt, said marasmus," He was very worried. He went a;; green and big and glowey and grabed Sniper buy his wanking rod and shook it around in anger. "HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN HAPPENING?" he shouted enraged.
"Oi only just couldn't pee now" said Sniper. "why?"
"Thank Fuck, We might still have some time then. Wait here and don't move I will try to find the others" then Merasmus vanish off into the air because he is magic."
"What the Gabe was that about," said Snipes
"Beats me," said Soldier, who had started to beat himself off because Merasmus was a sex god when he was angry.
Sniper sat on a chair, he was sad because his member was still dripping blood and it hurt :(
Outside of the rec room window there was someone spying in. He was getting all horny from watching Solider jacking it. "Good heavens just look at the time," said the spying Spy looking at his watch (on which every number was replaced with the word rape). And RED spy climbed through the window.
"Bonjour Gentlemen," he said to Sniper and Soldier "It's time to get raped ;D"
Sniper sighed sadly, "Sorry Spook but Oi ain't in the mood."
"Not in the mood? D:" Spy was confuzled by this (especially since this is a bad fanfiction where everyone is always horny). "What's the matter?" Spy asked.
"Oi can't take a piss and my penis is dripping blood" he sobbed.
"Don't worry," said spy, "I don't need your cock, all I need is that ass hole Australian god gave you," and Spy began to take of his clothes all sexily and Soldier wolf whistled. Butt all of a sudden… Soldier and Sniper looked very horrified. "What?" asked spy "I know that its big butt you don't have to be scared," He lolled. Seconds later there was a lot of hissing noises. "What the fuck?" Spy looked down to see that the slit of his dick was filled with teeth and was now sentient, snapping and growling.
"Ahhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrr, Kill it, Kill it," Shouted solider pining down Spy on the floor. Sniper grabbed a lamp from the side table beginning to beat the shit out of Spy's dick.
"Die hell spawn!" he shouted, bludgeoning it until it was flat and lifeless.
Merasmus walked back into the room with RED Demoman and RED Scout carrying a large book with the word Condom-Nomicon on it.
"HA, GGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY," said scout to the three naked men.
"Shut up Scout," said Demoman "This is totally cereal."
"Indeed it is," said Merasmus, looking at Spy's limp, flattened, bloody, toothy cock. "Oh no, it's spreading quicker than I thought."
"What is asked everyone," Merasemus opened the book and did some magic, pulling a bottle of oil out of the magic. "Quickly rub your body's down with this magic oil." He hurried. "It will help to stop the evil from getting into your body via osmosis. (Osmosis /ɒzˈməʊsɪs/ 1. Biology, Chemistry, Bullshit: The movement of evil from high to low concentration through a semipermeable membrane.)
Everyone got naked and rubbed themselves with the oil so it would take longer for the evil to do its thing.
"Why is this happening discount Jafar?" asked scout.
Merasmus did a teleport to the outside and teleported the other with him. "Look," he said.
Everyone looked around at the outside world. Something wasn't right…. The sky was dark and the clouds were shaped like swastikas, birds were plummeting out of the air and everything was bathed in a Nazi red light.
Then RED Engineer came along (Engineer changed his name back to Engineer for when he isent making P0rnos because everyone startend to call him vagina which he didn't like.) Anyway… Engineer came along and said "Howdy y'all."
Hi Engie, "Demopan said," "Rum yourself with this oil"
Engineer did so and said "Have any of you noticed anything weird going on lately, I mean I woke up this morning and mah sentry was humping me in the face."
"Yeah," said demo "Sniper can't piss, Spy's dick grew teeth, there's dead burds on the floor and WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?"
Everyone turned around….
"SIEGE HEIL," said Hitler, parting the clouds in the sky.
" D: OH HELL NO," said Solider "NOT IN MY AMERICA!" and he walked up to Hitler an American flag appearing randomly behind him "HITLER, YOU SON OF A BITCH! DO YOU SEE THIS GREAT LAND? THIS IS AMERICA! LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE, NO NAZIS ALOWED GTFO. GOD BLESS AMERICA!" And solider did a saluted to the flag and got an erection for America because he was that much of a patriot.
Everyone cheered Soldier on for his retarded speech (-Totally didn't steal this line from someone else ;3 .)
Hitler winked at solider and laughed. "Nein, Nein, Nein!" he said and continued to pollute the world with essence of evil.
"Well I tried," said solider "We better all go buy some lederhosens and learn German D:::="
"No Soldier," Merasmus said "We still have a chance to fix this, but we has to act quick"
"Everyone nodded and knew that this had to be done to fix the Hitler problem they were having."
"Quick merasmus" saod "to the infirmary."
**** One loading screen later ****
They were all at the infirmary and Scout banged on the big metal door wit his baseball back. "OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR FAGS" He YELLED." Suddenly the door opened and everyone went "ewwwwwww," RED Heavy had answered the door…. without a shirt on….
"What do you want?" asked Heavy all rushenly cause he is rushen. "Am busy feeding babies," he said, the two twin twins suckling on his chubby, hairy, lactating man nipples. "This better be important."
"HEAVY," ENGINEER EXPLAINED COS HE IS GOOD EXPLANER "HITLER HAS RETURNED FROM THE DEAD AND HE IS SPREDING EVIL IN PLACES AND THE EVIL CAUSED SPYS DICK TO GROW TEETH AND SNIPER COULDN'T TAKE PISS BUT THEN HE PISSED BLOOD AND MY SENTRY HUMPED ME IN TA FACE AND EVERYTHING!
Heavy was confused. "Wow that sucks but what does this have to do with heavy he asked"
"Nothing," sayid Merasmus "We're here to talk with Medic."
"Oh," said Heavy who was sad cause he though story might be about him. "Medic is asleep now… come back later."
But Soldier was like "Fuck that," and barged past him, into the infirmary. (Heavy would have bitch slapped him out again but he is good dad and does not want kids to see violence between anyone but loving parents.)
So everyone walked into the operation room where RED Medic was sleeping covered in chains, hippies and whip marks.
"Get up GET UP!" said Merasmus.
Medic rolled around on the ground in a puddle of navy (a lot of sea men). "Go avay, fess…"
Merasmus majiced up a boot and used it to kick the lazy fuck in the side.
"Ouch, vhy vould you kick me?"
"Engineer," Merasmus said, "if you would be so kind."
Engineer took a deep breath "MEDIC," ENGINEER EXPLAINED COS HE IS GOOD EXPLANER "HITLER HAS RETURNED FROM THE DEAD AND HE IS SPREDING EVIL IN PLACES AND THE EVIL CAUSED SPYS DICK TO GROW TEETH AND SNIPER COULDN'T TAKE PISS BUT THEN HE PISSED BLOOD AND MY SENTRY HUMPED ME IN TA FACE AND EVERYTHING!
Medic was confused. "Wow that sucks but what does this have to do with… wait did you say Hitler?"
Merasmus nodded "the evil is spreading throughout the land and pulled back ta blinds of the infirmary window.
"See red," said Soldier, "Oh… no that's blood." Outside it had started to rain blood and Hitler was saying things in German whilst raping the land of life.
Medic got those big OMG SO KAWAII anime eyes and the BIGGEST erection anyone had ever seen. It was so big that it made his pants rip and he quickly passed out from a lack of blood flow to the brain.
When he came back around he found himself in a wired room surrounded by women in white clothes with their hands rubbing all over him, Vell zhis sucks he thought (because they didn't have a penis so they pretty much sucked anyway) "Are you all vith ze KKK?"
"They're nuns. Virgin, whorish, horny nuns," said Demo "showing them away and helping Medic get to his feet. "This is my, Solly's and Merasmus's nunnery, you see continuity is very important to the author of this fanfish."
"Ah, very vell but vhy are ve here?"
"This is the only place that Hitler's evil has not touched yet, the walls here provide a safe haven as they are protected by the power of Gabe." He explaned.
"Demopan, Moodic, in here said scout going into a big room."
They followed him into a big room where everyone was (except RED Pie row cause he aint back yet) Merasmus had put the condom-nomicon on a table and had highlighted bits.
"Ah, good, are you ready for the exorcism fritz?" said soldier.
"Exorcism!? Vait backup Vhat Ze Fuck is going on"
"Fine…" said Merasmus starting to exposition (100% Historically Accurate) "You see Hitler is a pretty bad guy and all and he killed a few people once for the LOLZ."
Medic giggled and rubbed the bulge in his pants "Mmmm, ze LOLocaust, good times,"
Merasumus continued "but anyway he wanted to make a pure race but zen he died. But here in the Condom-nomicon (the book of everything fuck) it is written that the day a member of his masterz race shits on the face of what he died for by having der first secksy time with a dirty lesser race, Hitler will rise from the carpark and kill everyone so that he can start alllllll over again and make another master race. My guess is that Hitler got pissed when you let Heavy shove his meat fist in your anal glove"
Medic became all sad "Hitler wants to kill us all :( ?" he said in tears finding out that his idol was a bit of a dick hole, "But why would he want to kill me… I have all of his merchant dice and I rub my cock in-between the pages of Mein Kampf every night until it makes me cum."
"Dosen't matter he's still a cheesy cunt leaker who wants us all dead, we need to put a stop to this NOW."
Medic nodded "I understand and I'm prepared to do vhatever it takes".
Everyone Gathered Into A Circle To Discuss The Plan.
It was later now and they were ready to fix the little problem they were having.
"Alright doctor do you remember your mission?" Merasy asked.
Medic tied a scarf thing around his head. "YOU BET YOUR TIGHT SCOTISH ASS THAT I DO, I NEED SOME CIRIAL CIGARETTS FOR THIS SHIT." And he grabbed hold of Spy's disguise kit and smoked all the cigarettes he had in one go before snogging Hover in the mouth. "PROMIS ME SOMETHING HEAVY IF I DON'T COME BACK… I WANT YOU TO KILL YOURSELF AND OUR CHILDREN SO THAT RACIST FUCK CAN'T.
"I will doctor, I promised," and they hugged goodbye all gayley. Before Medic went into the time travel portal that merasmus had made with his madgic.
Once on the other side of the time portal medic found himself outside of the base. It was a bright sunny morning and the birds were still alive and singing. It was the day when the supply train had dropped off some crates and the day that he had lost his anal V-card. He thought about going to the shop and buying a lottery ticket (cause it is the past and he knew the right ticket to get) but diddnt cause then hitler might still kill everyone and he needed to stay focused on the mission. He looked at his watch.
"Scheiße, I only have 26.66 minuets to do this. I have to hurry," So he ran fast like SONIC to the infermery where he was sleeping in the past and went inside.
When he got there he took out his vainey German sausage and placed it in his past self's mouth. "Wakey, wakey swinehund," He said.
His past self half opened his eyes. Go avay spy, Im trying to sleep he said.
"I'm not a Spy" said Medic "I'm you, but from 9der der0 the future, I vas sent here on a very important mission by a scotish Vizard to take my own virginity and stop Hitler from getting pissed at me for having sexual congress vith a Russian."
"Passed Medic looked sceptical" "How stupid do you zhink I am Spy, fuck off, I'm tired and I vant to sleep before zhe supply train arrives."
"Hmmmm," said medic thinking of how he could convince his past self that he wasen't a spy. Then he snapped his fingers "I have it!" And he began to gouge out his right eye using the thumb and index finger of his left hand leaving a bloody cavernous hole where his eye should have been.
"GOTT IM HIMMEL!" said past Medic "THAT'S SO… SO…"
"SEXY? I know" said Medic who's eye was healing back in place (THIS WORKS CAUSE MEDICS REGENERATE HEALTH AT 3-6 HEALTH PER SECONDZ AND DEY ARE DE ONLY CLASS THAT DO THIS NATURALY SO IT PROVES HE IS NOT A SPAH, NO HATE PLZ).
"So your not a spy then? Past medic asterisked."
"Nein, I am not I am you and I am here for a reason. We are gonna have sex… We're gonna lose are virginitys togetehr and it's gonna be fabulous." And with that Medic grabbed Medics legs and spread them apart so that he could delve into that dirty puckered virgin hole.
"No bitte, I don't vant zis I am saving myself for Herr Heavy =::("
"Vell I vant zhis and I am you so ummmmm" and he stook out his tongue at him. (((((NOTE! PEOPLE THIS IS NOT RAPE BECAUSE HE IS HIM SO TECHNECLY HE IS HAVING SEX WITH HIMSELF WHICH MEANS THAT HE IS MASTRUBATING WHICH IS NOT ILLIGAL TODO WITHOUT YOUROWN PERMISSION!111111))))))
So Medic slipped his schnitzel into the past Medics Strudel and they started to do that crazy thing (called Homosexueller Geschlechtsverkehr (Why so many letters Germany? It makes my job so much harder :( )).
"OHHHHHH" Medic cried "I never knew I vas zis tight."
The other Medic was sad cause he was having himself inside of him which felt very weird and he was not a narcissist (like a certain person we know hey Beckster, wink, wink, nudge, nudge) so he was not turned on.
Then Future Medic was like "Now is the time Herr doktor!" and he slammed inside one last time filling his own ass with his warm medical healing ointment."
Past Medic started to cry. Now I know how my whore of a vife feels vhen I pimp her out to demoman, fucking bitch. (Medic hates his wife because she married him for his money while he was drunk at Oktoberfest and she does not have a penis so he refuses to fuck her cause he is not a whore.)
Future Medic pulled out causing past medic to evict his bowls on the infirmary floor. Then Archimedes (Medics fav pet dove) delved into the pile of warm dung coating his clean white feather with the doctors excrement. "ARCHIMEDES NO!," Medic scolded "IT'S FILTHY IN ZERE!"
"You might vant to vear a tampon up zere from now on" Future Medic ROFLED. BUT then Future Medic noticed something very bad. "You haven't come yet!? And sex isn'nt over till we've both done."
Then future Medic got on his knees and let his tongue flick in and out of the slit of past Medics member wetting the entrance of the urethra, ready for the penetration.
Genteelly future Medic pushed his middle finger inside of past Medic erect member, making past Medic cry out in short sharp gasps and arch his back.
"Übervoll, übervoll, bitte STOP!." Past Medic squirmed trying to pull away from the man violating him.
"Come over here," the dominant of the two doctors smirked "I promise I vill heal you." Then future Medic eased out his finger, and placed the head of his cock in line with the head of the other doctor's hardon. Past Medic whimpered as he felt his erect penis having another erect penis been forced inside of it. After a minuet or so of thrusting the two Medics began to finger each other's arseholes quickly finding one another's prostate (which was easy because they fingered themselves regularly). Future Medic suddenly felt an immense amount of pressure against the head of his dick.
"I'm coming |O - orgasm face fail." Said past Medic.
And future Medic pulled out allowing the viscose liquid to flow out of his past counterpart. "Oh, so Kawaii."
Future Medic looked at his watch "I still have a few minuets," he said "vant to make out?"
"Ok." said the past Medic.
A few minutes later Medic left the infirmary with his clothes on backwards. "Vow," he said "I sure know how to make me feel like a voman." But all of a sudden… His pants started to vibrate. "Oh mein handy? (Cheers Bekster I finaly got a chance to use this) and Medic pulled his mobile phone out of his crotch. "Hallo, Who is it?"
"It's Merasmus," said Merasmus "is it done."
"Ja, mission accomplished," said Medic happily.
"Good, now I'll tell you how to get back. First close your eyes."
Medic closed his eyes.
"Then tap the heels of your jackboots together three times and say to yourself 'I love to get boned."
Medic clicked his heels together and started to say "I love to get boned." Over and over again. Meanwhile all the other mercenaries gathered around Merasmuses mobile (which was on loud speaker) and laughed at Medic confirming he was a little bitch who took it up the shitler.
"You pranking cunts," said Medic.
"LOL we're only fucking with ya fritz, don't go Nazi on us." And Merasmus clicked his fingers to teleport Medic back.
"DOCTOR," Heavy Creamed (a combination of screaming and creaming your pants), "AM SO HAPPY YOU ARE BACK! 3 3 3 3" (I ships them soooooooooooooooooo bad :3)
But before they could make out….…
"OH YEAH!" said Hitler smashing through the wall of the nunnery. "I'M BACK BITCHES."
"OMFG" said everyone.
"How can you be back?1!? said Me dick. "I had sex with myself in the past so the first person I had sex with was a German so that you wouldn't come back from the dead."
"Hitler LoLED You had sex with yourself DUMMKOPF, I count that as masturbating so it dosent count."
Merasmus looked at the condom-nomicon again and relised he'd missed that sentence. Then he facepalmed (Should have gone to Specsavers.)
"Now," Hitler began I'm going to kill you all."
Solider ripped off his shirt "WE WILL FIGHT YOU TO THE DEATH NAZI… just give us a minuet for setup time plz X3"
Hitler rolled his eyes "Fine."
So setup time bagan. Medic charged his Über and Engie set up a sentry, everyone else fucked around because there was nothing else to do in set up time.
Announcer said "Mission begins in… 5… 4… 3… 2…" and then the siren went off signalling the start of the fight.
"NAZI POWER!" said Hitler throwing swastikas at everyone doing massive splash damage (Except on Medic because he had immunity to Nazi). So everyone ran back to medic for da healz.
"The German… it's too strong," said Sniper.
"Yeah, he gonna rape us all," said Scout.
Medic struck a heroic pose using his 'Meet The Medic Taunt' that he bought from the Mann Co. store for £1.99 ($ Can't be bother to work out). "I am immune to the German I VILL SLAVE YOU," and he walked up to Hit ler all confident.
"Am Gonnna FUCK U UP" Medic said.
Hitler Laughted "Nope . Avi " and they started to bitch slap each other. After a minute or so of girly bitch slaps. The two Germans began to run their hands thought each other's hair and make out.
"OHHH," Medic moned "I always vanted to kiss a man vith a mustash, esecialy one as thick and full as yours… tell me… is your cock also this well endowed?…
Hitler raised his eyebrows and smiled a mile, begaining to unbutton his pants to show Medic his crotch saluting.
With Hitler distracted merasmus majiced up a Hanukkah menorah (you know those crazy Jewish candles) and passed them to Spy.
"Go on ya backstabbing bastard," said Sniper nodding to Spy who nodded back before cloaking himself.
Then Spy materialised behind distracted Hitler and used the candles as a butterfly knife forcing them into Hitler back. *CRITICAL HIT*
"NOOOOOOOOOO!1111111111111111111111111111111111" cried Hitler the Jewishness sapping his German causing him to collapse on to the floor in the early stage of been dead "I vas killed by a Frenchman because I vas distracted by some hot German bootay… Curse my raging homosexuality."
Medic did a troll face "I would never have sex with a man with one testical" he laugthed.
"Medic" Hitler said with his dyeing breath.
"Ja, mein Führer,"
"Do you know how copper vireing vas invented?" Medic shook his head.
"Two Jews fighting over a penny."
And Medic and Hitler Laughed until Hitler was Dead.
"Well now I've seen everything," Engineer said, kicking Hitler lifeless corpse. It had been a long day and everyone was tired now.
After the story…
Sniper used Hitler's body as target practice for his sniping.
Spy flogged the Jewish candles that killed Hitler on EBay for a ton of money and bought stocks in Mann Co. He also got Medic to heal his flattened cock.
Engineer went back to Hollywood to film a new Prono.
Solider, Demo and Marasmus had to become builders for a while so they could fix the hole that Hitler had made in the building when he Kool-Aid manned his way in.
Scout went to visit his whore of a ma… yep that's it.
Heavy and Medic found that there twin baby's had become horrid deformed piles of flesh. "How could this happen?" Heavy asked and Medic gasped.
"I must have gotten myself pregnant vhen I had sex vith myself," He worked out. They both oh said "NO!" it was the worst kind of incest, incest with yourself. So Medic had to put the deformed offspring out of their misery by having a really late term abortion. Then Medic was very sad and decided that He was going to go away for a while so kissed Heavy goodbye.
And, finaly, Merasmus looked off into the distance and squinted his eyes. There was a figure approaching them over the horizon. It was… Pyro?
"Where the fuck have you been this whole story mumbles?" asked scout.
"Mmmph… Mmmmmmmph mmph mmph huudah mmmmmph mmph mph mmmmph mmph mmmmmmph. Mmph mmph huuh mmmmmph mmph mph mmmmph ANAL mmph mmph mmph hudah mmmmmph mmph mph. Mmmmmmmph mmmmph mmph huddah huh mmph mmph mmmmmph mmph mph. Mmph mmmmph mmph mmph mmph mmmmmph mmph mmmmmph mmph mph mmmmph." Pyro explained, saying he had to walk back from Mexico. At first it mayed no sense why it took so long to walk back but then they relised that Pyro would have to walk very slow through Mexico because walking too fast would have disturbed the Mexicans natural laziness.
THE END… Or is it? … Yes.
Auathers Nose:
Tanks 4 reading m8s, don't forget to leave a review, I wuz reviews. (Also thx to ma m8 Beckster for tellin me what Handy means in German XD) Untill next time :D Have a Fine Existence.