A/N: Warning for triggers still stands!
The first time that Jason told her she wasn't allowed to do something, Quinn told herself it was just his protective nature. She had been convinced that things could only go back uphill when the name calling started, and finding out she was wrong came as quite the shock.
She had been going to the gym to try to get into better shape since Jason continually nagged about her weight and appearance being sub-par, and it had been going well. She had met some fun people there, and she thought she was really starting to see some results. She had thought Jason would appreciate her efforts, but one day she came home to find him waiting.
Without preamble, he said shortly, "I don't want you going to the gym anymore."
Confused, Quinn opened her mouth to ask why, and he cut her off. "I don't like you going where all those other guys can look at you all they want. If you want to exercise, I'll get you a treadmill or something, but I don't want you going back to the gym."
She had thought it was a bit much, but tried to view it as a cute attempt at keeping her safe. If she tried hard, she could pretend that he was just looking out for her dignity. It wasn't until he started nagging about other activities that she got frustrated. She had gone out with a group of friends that she hardly ever got to see any more, and there were a couple guys in the group. She had gotten back around 2:00 in the morning to find Jason waiting for her. In much the same way he had told her about the gym, he told her he didn't want her to go out with that group of friends any more. He didn't trust them, he said, to keep her safe.
She tried to argue that these were her friends and she should be allowed to see them. She had even tried to tell him that he could come with her when she saw them, but he ignored her and just essentially accused her of cheating.
The fact that he didn't trust her stung, but in hindsight what hurt even more was that she caved instantly in order to make him happy and assuage his fears, however irrational. All of her pride in being an independent woman who could stand up for her rights was apparently sorely misplaced, as she found herself compromising more and more. Jason would demand something, even if it was sometimes in a very polite way, and she would cave for fear of losing him or hurting him.
It didn't matter that she was hurting herself by doing what he wanted, because he loved her and he was amazing, and she was never going to find another guy like him in the world. He was possessive of her because he loved her and appreciated her, and wanted to make sure she was safe and wasn't taken advantage of by anyone else. She knew she was losing her friends, but Jason made up for it.
She knew that they were just going through a short rough patch, and that if she just stuck with him then it would be over and they would be perfect again.
Rachel had gone through her show forcing herself not to search the audience for a certain blonde. She had told herself that she had done her best to kindle a friendship, and if anything else was going to happen it had to be initiated by Quinn. Sighing with relief when the curtain finally dropped and she could turn her back on the audience, she let her shoulders drop and headed for her dressing room. She had just finished changing out of her costume when there was a knock on the door. Opening it, she was met with one of the backstage security guards.
"Someone is outside wanting to see you," he said gruffly, turning to leave without giving any other details. Trying to decide if it was worth it to yell after him and try to find out who it was, Rachel decided it was too much trouble and went back into the dressing room. Sitting down, she ran a brush through her hair before grabbing her coat and heading out the door.
Not thinking much about who might be waiting for her, she was entirely unprepared to walk out and see Quinn standing there. She stopped abruptly, mouth hanging open slightly, just looking at the blonde and trying to convince herself she wasn't imagining her. When Quinn smiled and walked closer, she finally managed to snap her jaw shut, but she still couldn't quite form words.
"I'm sorry about the other night," Quinn said, glancing away from Rachel for a second before continuing, "I was hoping to make it up to you? Maybe go get a bite tonight?" After a brief pause without a response from Rachel, Quinn's face fell and she sighed before turning to leave.
As she moved, Rachel finally burst out with, "Wait!"
Turning around, Quinn looked at her, obviously waiting for her to say something else. Stumbling a bit over her words in her haste to get them out, Rachel said, "I would love to go with you, but I already told one of my cast mates that I would go to this party she's throwing tonight..." Seeing the slight frown of disappointment on Quinn's face, Rachel hurried to add, "But I would love it if we could do lunch instead- tomorrow, maybe?"
A tentative smile broke out on the blonde's face and she nodded. "Tomorrow would be wonderful. How does 2:30 at Grey Dog sound?"
Unable to help but smile back, Rachel nodded. "Perfect. I'll see you then!" With a wave and another smile that stole Rachel's breath away, Quinn was gone, leaving the brunette standing there to wonder what on earth had just happened-again.
The first time that Jason left her ended up being the one and only time.
Looking back, Jason leaving could have been the turning point in her life. It could have been the moment when things started to get back on track and she was able to actually start living again. It could have been a lot of wonderful things- and it probably would have been, except that she went after him and so it wasn't.
He had said that he just couldn't handle being around someone so grossly unattractive, someone so stupid and inadequate, and then he had walked out the door. Quinn had stood there for a few long moments before flying out the door after him, begging him to come back. Looking back, she regretted that moment more than almost anything.
She should have stayed inside, locked the doors, and never let him back in, no matter what he said. She should have been ecstatic to be free from the screaming, and the insults, and the controlling behavior. But she wasn't.
All she could think about was that she was going to be alone, and how that would be worse than just about anything. She didn't want to go back to being lonely all the time, even if it meant that she was hurting all the time instead.
And maybe it was because of everything Jason said about her, about how she was stupid and ugly and couldn't do anything right, but in that moment she was petrified that if she let him walk out of her life she would never find anyone else. So she begged.
She ran outside, and grabbed his arm, and begged him to stay. The begging hurt, because Quinn Fabray did not beg, for anything, but this was too important. He was too important. She promised that she would be better, that she would never so much as glance at anyone else, that she would try to be who he wanted her to be.
Eventually, he let her lead him back inside, where he made a big show of saying that he was giving her one more chance to make things better or he was gone for good. When he walked into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him, Quinn sat on the couch and nearly sobbed with relief.
In the back of her mind, she knew that she had just made a horrible, horrible mistake. But the relief at not being abandoned and alone was overpowering, and so she crossed her fingers and hoped that if she got better, so would he.
Rachel sat in the cafe, waiting for Quinn to arrive. It wasn't quite 2:33, but she couldn't stop a little pang of worry from settling in her stomach. It had been ages since she was stood up; she hadn't been since before she hit it big on Broadway, and the mere thought of it was incredibly disheartening. Even more disheartening was the fact that, if the blonde didn't come, she had no way of getting in contact with the other woman besides attempting to stalk her at shows.
Making a mental note to get her number, she sat back and watched the second hand on the clock tick slowly until it was 2:34. Almost exactly after the hand clicked into place, Quinn was sliding gracefully into the seat across from her, an apologetic smile on her face. "Sorry I'm a bit late," she half laughed, half gasped, "Traffic was mad."
Grinning and just happy that the blonde had shown, Rachel waved the waitress over before turning back to Quinn. Noticing her attire, she arched a brow. "Aren't you just dying of heat exhaustion in that," she asked curiously. It was unseasonably warm, but the blonde had on long sleeves and pants, and a scarf was looped around her neck.
There was a minuscule pause before Quinn laughed and replied, "No, I'm always cold." When Rachel gave her a disbelieving look, she rolled her eyes. "Come on. It's freezing out there! Plus they have the air conditioning on in here- don't even try to pretend that you aren't secretly shivering!" Unable to stop her laugh, Rachel just shook her head as the waiter approached to take their orders.
"So," Quinn flashed her a small smile, "How've you been since I saw you last?" To her surprise, Rachel found that talking to the other woman was just...easy. The other night, it had been all about her, but now? Quinn was, if not forthcoming, at least more willing to talk about how she had gotten to New York in the first place. Whenever Rachel prompted a question about the recent past, however, the blonde was quick to dodge it and redirect the topic of conversation. It was mildly frustrating, particularly as it grew more noticeable and more frequent. Trying to come up with a topic that might allow for a fusion of old and new, something that might open Quinn up for more questions, Rachel brought up relationships.
Quinn could feel herself starting to tense, and sighed internally. It had been a while since she had needed to lie to anyone, and she was out of practice at pretending things were fine. Reminding herself that Rachel had no idea what was going on, she steeled herself and said, "Well, I've managed to avoid any further pregnancies, but that might be because I dated girls for most of college." There.
Rachel's jaw nearly hit the floor in shock, and Quinn had to force herself not to sigh in relief. This was something she could talk about- it might not be amazing conversation fodder, but it would at least keep the brunette's focus off of her current romantic status long enough for her to come up with a distraction.
Fighting back a grin at the obvious difficulty Rachel was having processing the latest tidbit of information, Quinn saved her the trouble of trying to come up with a suitable question. Leaning across the table, she gently placed a forefinger under Rachel's chin and tipped it shut.
Rachel took a deep breath before letting it go slowly. "Sorry," she said after another moment, "It's just a lot to take in. I seem to recall you having a slightly...hostile view of same sex relations back in high school. Well, maybe that's not the right word, but...you get the idea?"
Nodding, Quinn said, "Yeah, I get it. I never had a problem with it, but my parents and the church did, and I didn't have such a great time when they kicked me out the first time...I wasn't exactly in a hurry to go through it again once they finally let me come back. When I made it out here for school with a full ride scholarship, though? Definitely loved the freedom that came along with it."
Quinn could practically see the wheels turning in Rachel's mind as she processed the information, filing it away as she apparently accepted it. Smiling when the brunette nodded and said, "All right, then," Quinn was quick to ask, "So, how's romance working out for you?"
The first time he hit her, she didn't cry. She didn't move, didn't make a sound. Since Jason had come back, she had tried everything she could think of, everything she could imagine that might make her more appealing. Since she didn't have any friends and wasn't out of the house much, she had plenty of time on her hands to think of ways to make herself better, to make him happy, but none of them worked.
When she knocked over his glass of wine one night, however, she finally realized that maybe things were never going to get better, never going to go back to the way they used to be. It was a simple mistake, she just barely tipped the glass when she went to pick up his plate, but it was enough to spill red wine all over the table cloth.
Before she was even aware of what was happening, before she could apologize or start to clean it up, his hand was connecting with her face. She stood there, shocked, unable to believe he had hit her, but then he was hitting her again, and again, and it hurt, so she let herself fall to the floor and curl into a ball. He was screaming at her to get up, but she couldn't make herself move, so he grabbed her roughly and lifted her bodily before pinning her against the wall.
His fingers dug into the pale skin of her upper arms as he hissed, "Clumsy bitch," before pushing her back into the wall a little harder and then letting her fall.
Quinn felt her knees hit the ground. But everything just hurt so much, and she barely registered the relatively minor pain. She was dimly aware as the last bit of sun faded from the windows, casting the room into darkness and shadows, but she couldn't make herself move. Her body had stopped hurting, and now everything was just...numb. Like she was in a cloud and everything around her was muffled and muted and unreal.
This couldn't have happened to her. She wasn't that woman, the one that ended up on the evening news or in a shelter somewhere. Jason wasn't that guy, either- the one that people always warned about, that ended up in jail for doing awful things to his wife, or his girlfriend, or whoever he had managed to get his hands on.
Somehow, somewhere along the way, things had just gotten confused. This was all just a big misunderstanding, or a bad dream, and Quinn was convinced that if she just stayed right where she was and didn't move, eventually she would have to wake up. This couldn't be real.
She stayed like that, her body rigid and tense, until the first rays of light touched the glass of the window and she couldn't ignore it any longer.
It was real, and just because she stayed in her spot, it didn't mean anything was going to get any better. It had taken multiple tries before she was able to ease herself into a standing position, but when she was finally upright, all she could do was lean on the wall. She was still standing, but as the sunlight began to stream more fully into the room, she realized she had no idea where to go from here.