Sheldon Swifties LXXII: "The Dark Secret of Sheldon Cooper…"
Summary: Mrs. Dr. Fowler-Cooper forces Sheldon to fess up the truth to Leonard and Penny about his role in their relationship…
Disclaimer: All is Chuck's
Part II…
"Before I continue unburdening myself of my darkest secret…It is customary during a lengthy tale…"
"Sheldon, I made you tea already." Leonard frowned.
"Just what was that crack about 'servility'?" Penny asked Amy.
Ummn…Well…
"Wait. I should be asking Sheldon. Sheldon? What was that crack about 'servility'?"
"Nice try, but Leonard was the object of focus." Sheldon noted.
"Me?" Leonard, a bit…Just a bit… Penny catching his sideways glance with frown…
"When you find me getting 'servile' your way, run. Cause I just found out you cheated on me and I'm lulling you into a false sense of security." Penny noted. "Ok, not servile. Sheldon?"
"It is customary…" he began.
"Not in the Hofstadter home." She replied grimly.
Wait…
"I mean not in Penny Hofstadter's home. See no servility at all. So?" she grimly eyed Sheldon…
"Well, I made the best of a failed effort. If I couldn't find Leonard the perfect mate guaranteed to keep him in Pasadena…"
"Believe me, we are not living with him and Amy, I promise." Penny noted to Leonard.
"…I could secure the closest alternate until I could locate said mate."
"Alternate? As in, sub? Me, a substitute?" Penny fumed, rising from her seat.
"Actually I was thinking more of a temp at the time." Sheldon noted.
"it's really sweet, if you think about it a certain way, him going to all this trouble, right, Leonard?" Amy, anxious smile, nervously seeking support. "Please don't let her kill him."
"Right…Maybe he could order me not to, me being so servile." Penny glared.
"Honey…He breaks really easy." Leonard, worried.
"Fine…" Penny, curtly.
Jesus…She blinked as Amy exchanged glance with Sheldon giving her the slightest of nods.
"I'm just tryin' to restain myself…" to a stunned Leonard. "I could brain him if I didn't want to avoid killing my bestie's new husband before she gets a crack at it."
She eyed his nervous look… "Leonard? You believe me, right?"
"Uh…Sure…Of course…" nod. "Yeah…This is just nonsense. Come on, Sheldon…" attempt to be jocular… "Stop kidding around."
Penny, stunned…Sitting. Clenching fists.
Ok…O…K…
Uh-oh…Leonard gulped.
"Sheldon…You finish your story." Penny, calmly now, but fists still clenched. "Then if there's anything to this…I will prove I'm free by whaling the tar out of you…And I won't need orders from Leonard, I promise you."
"Mayhaps this is one genie I shouldn't have made you let out of its bottle…" Amy noted to Sheldon.
…
"I realized given my results, I would have to cast my net fairly wide. The most efficient way was clearly to find a place where these female actors herded. I checked the local casting agencies and found the nearest, Kalifornia Kasting…"
Penny, slight gasp…As Leonard relaxed…
"Sheldon…Penny's been with Talent Unlimted since I knew her…Wha…t?" he eyed Penny's stricken look.
"I was signed with Kalifornia till just after I rented here…" she gulped.
"Ok…Ok…So he left an ad for the place there and you found it or a friend told you. No big deal…Nothing…"
"Sheldon, what did you do to me?!" Penny stood up.
"Honey, please…" Leonard, rising.
"Ok….Let him finish." She sighed, calmly. "Maybe you're right…Just an ad he left. Leonard…?" pleading look. "You'd tell me if I have an off switch?"
"Penny…You're letting your imagination run away with you. Honey. You have a father, a crazy wild family… Sheldon, this is enough. You're scaring Penny." He frowned Sheldonward.
"Well…She's not an android…I would never doodad an android for you." Sheldon frowned. "I might have had Howard do it but I didn't know him that well then and I hadn't worked out a theory of positronic brain modeling."
Phew…Penny sighed, taking seat. "Ok, I wasn't put together by Howard, thank God."
"Sheldon, maybe we'd best forget about this. Ha, ha…Newlyweds' joke. Sorry if we scared you, bestie." Amy had risen, nervously gesturing to Sheldon. "Come on, husband. We still have the weekend to home honeymoon."
"No, wait. I want to hear all of this." Penny, firmly.
Just so long as Howard doesn't have a remote control for me, I can bear up.
"Honey…" Leonard tried.
"I wanna hear this, Leonard. Ok…" pleased look. "No servility there. Lets get on with this, Sheldon." She insisted. "Maybe all it is is the apartment, honey." She turned to Leonard. "If so, it's just mildly creepy and kinda sweet."
"Sheldon, could I talk to you a moment?" Leonard asked.
"Hey. No editing." Penny glared. "Hey…" she beamed. "That sounds like the me I know. Leonard, sit down and let him finish. I think it's ok. Sheldon's not one to ask Howard to program spunkiness into an android."
"Unless of course I knew it would win Leonard over…" Sheldon noted.
"Not helping here, buddy." Leonard frowned.
"I already said she's not an android. Besides, as you pointed out, Leonard, she has a family. Though of course if Wolowitz could churn out one based on my designs…"
"Sheldon!" Leonard fumed.
"I promise you you're not an android, bestie." Any assured Penny who put up a hand. "Robotic technology just wasn't that advanced at the time, even if it would explain Bernadette." Reassuring smile, pat.
"Though such god-like perfection as you is hard to conceive as coming from mere random chance mating…If you were artificial, I'd have to go with cloning."
"Leonard?!"
"Honey, it would have taken at least twenty four years to grow a clone you." He noted.
You…She grinned. Twenty four years when we met, come on…
"That's debatable, in certain sci-fi accounts…" Sheldon shrugged. "But Penny isn't a clone or an android. I'd've long since adjusted her to a more suitable intelligence level and downloaded all of Leonard's interests into her."
"Thanks…" Leonard beamed.
"You wanna geek Penny 2.0?" Penny eyed him. "If you do, say the word and Howard can whip you one up to replace me."
"No, honey…" he tried.
"Now that I'm thinking about it…" Sheldon whispered to Amy. "I probably could have cobbled together some kind of positronic matrix design. Geek Penny 2.0 probably would have been a welcome addition to our group, so long as I could program 'Soft Kitty' into her."
"Thanks, Sheldon." Penny glared. "Nice to know how much you care."
"It's because I care I did all this…" Sheldon, quiet reply. "And I never said I'd prefer Penny 2.0 to you. She just would have been a welcome addition. If she could sing 'Soft Kitty'."
"No, she wouldn't." Amy, frowning. "And I will kill Howard if either of you gentlemen ever try to have him 'whip one up'. No offense, bestie. That would be too much encroaching on my game preserve."
Hmmn…Two Pennys, Leonard thought…
"You're thinking how nice it would have been to have the two of us, aren't you?" Penny eyed him.
"Wha…t?" he blinked. "No."
"On the other hand, you did get Sheldon a romantic train ride for Valentine's Day…" Penny eyed Amy. "And you were pretty Sheldonian when we met you. Robots can learn things, right?" she turned to Leonard.
"Amy's not an android…"Sheldon, indignant.
"Kinda odd how Howard and Raj just cooked you a perfect mate up out of that Internet dating site…" Penny, archly.
"Hey?" Amy, staring.
"And there has been some servileness in the way you ran after Sheldon…" Leonard, chiming in.
"Leonard?" Sheldon, annoyed…As Penny beamed at Leonard.
Thanks, husbro…Smile.
"Sorry, Amy. But you and Sheldonstein've been scaring Penny with all this crap about controlling her meeting me." Leonard noted.
"It's ridiculous. If Amy were an android, I'd've demanded far more enthusiasm for trains and less nonsense about romance." Sheldon noted. "Which would have been a terrible thing, in the long run." Smile to Amy.
Aw…If I weren't considering pounding him into the dirt at the end of this if he doesn't somehow make this sweet, I'd tear up a bit at that…Penny hissed to Leonard as Amy beamed fondly.
"And stopping blubbering…Our motivation is annoyance bordering on anger." Penny whispered.
"Well, at least suggest I could be a female Sheldon clone."Amy noted. "I'd've had no problem with that."
"And we're right back into the creepy zone…Very creepy." Leonard nodded.
….
"So you went to my agency…You…Actually went to my agency? Without Leonard driving you, then?"
"Actually…" Leonard, nervously clearing throat. "But I'd no idea it was a talent agency or what he was up to. There was a hobby store across the street and he said…"
Penny narrowly eyeing Sheldon…
"I can sometimes engage in subterfuge to help people I care about who don't know what they want." Sheldon noted.
"That better not be a subtle hint that you've been trying to get me to love trains…" Amy hissed.
"Amy 2.0 would…" Sheldon noted.