ughhhhh i very much dislike this chapter but i can't bring myself to delete it

skip it

just skip it*

my bones are worn, my hip won't hold

i used to be so young, how did i get so old?

won't you take my cane and hold my hand, you're holding on to all i have

just a basket full of memories, and i am losing more each day it seems

-basket, dan mangan

[in which Lara does want to remember]

Lara's memory isn't what it used to be.

The other day, she forgot to bring home a carton of milk from the grocery. That's not what bothers her, though. She's spent decades being chastised by Sam, for doing that exact thing.

What gets to her is when she can't remember the big things. Nothing is ever forgotten completely, but events do get hazy. Too hazy to remember important details, or details that were important to her, at least.

Some of the hazy times that make her feel the worst are the moments before she met Sam. Tagging along with her parents on expeditions. Camping trips with Roth. Spending holidays with Winston, who could carve a perfect turkey. It's not even that those are her favourite memories, although some of them have the potential to bring a smile to her face. In truth, they're the worst because if something escapes her, when she looks to Sam, all that she gets in return is a sad smile. She can't be upset with Sam about it, though, because how is she meant to know? It isn't her responsibility to catalogue each and every of Lara's memories. Still, Lara can survive with only vague recollections of being a child. How many people actually do remember that far back anyway?

The fantastic thing about Sam though, is that she actually has catalogued a fair share of memories. Her compulsion to constantly carry a camera everywhere led to a lot of shared experiences being recorded. They're on record. Official. Even if Lara forgets something from those recordings, there's still proof that it happened. That it hasn't fallen into the limbo of lost memories, never to be thought of again. That she isn't making something up just to fill a blank in her brain. She doesn't always trust herself with that, and she certainly doesn't trust others to correct her. Let old Lara live in her fantasy world, they say. Don't shatter it.

It doesn't help that there are so very few people that do actually know of these 'fantasy' stories. The people who know that these stories aren't fantasy, not at all. She never wanted fame, that was never a goal. But it found her, somehow. It was difficult to manage, but Sam was always there to help. At the time, they felt it would be best to keep certain parts of her expeditions hidden. Those fantasy parts.

Lara isn't so sure that was the right choice, not anymore.

Those stories, the secret ones? They live on only in her head, for the most part. Sam wasn't always able join her, and Lara never bothered with cameras, not the way that Sam did. So now? If bits go missing? They're gone, like that final piece of the puzzle that fell under the table. The one that got stuck to a sock before you noticed it was gone, and was consequently never seen again. They're also like that puzzle piece, in that there's no replacing them. You just can't replace experiences like she's had. But she can survive with butchered versions of those memories, too.

The important ones, the ones that almost physically hurt when she can't completely grasp them, they all involve Sam. Those are the ones that she feels privileged to own. But they're also the ones that Sam can fill in for her. Sure, Sam doesn't have a photographic memory either (only a photographic memory card), but that's when Lara gets to step in and fill things in for Sam. The pair of them are their own little puzzle, a small one. Just two pieces. Maybe the corner of one piece is bent, while the other has a spot that's worn down, but it's the best damn puzzle in the world, as far as they're concerned.

The funny thing is, neither of them remember getting old. If it weren't for the fact that they don't quite recall the specifics of being young, they might as well still be twenty years old. It's hard to keep an eye on the time while you're busy exploring the mysteries of the world.

But time doesn't care if you're watching it, it'll keep passing, and it'll take it's toll on you whether you pay attention or not. The truth behind that cruel fact is what caused Lara and Sam to find themselves slowing down, feeling the exertion of every trip hit them harder each time they set out. That was when they started taking longer breaks before setting out again. It turned into a cycle of becoming weary, taking just the slightest amount longer to plan out a new trip, returning just the slightest amount wearier, and so on. Slowing down, steadily, until they couldn't slow any more without ending up at a complete halt. And that inevitably halt was where the grand adventures ended. That's when the retelling of their stories began, and when the threat of forgetting became a reality.

The truth is, not all of the best memories were born from fantastic exploits. Neither Lara nor Sam could ever find it in themselves to refer to themselves as the domestic type, not with all the globetrotting. But the downtime between it all gave them opportunities for plenty of savoured moments. Little things, like decorating a Charlie Brown style Christmas tree that Sam decided to bring home on the twenty third. They dressed that suffering tree up just the same as they would have a ten foot pine fir. Little things like Lara trying her damnedest to create a cake that could pass as red velvet (Sam's favourite) as a birthday surprise. It wasn't much of a surprise when Sam came home to a blaring smoke alarm. Little things like Sam hiding in a corner, doing nothing to help Lara shoo out a stray pigeon that somehow made its way into their flat. That's how Lara tells the story, anyway. Sam still insists that she was only in that corner because Lara was trying to corral the bird towards her, so she could capture it. Some of those simple things are the best. Simple as laying outside, on the grass, watching the stars and chatting of explorations to come. Maybe even just a simple kiss, after a not so simple trek through uncharted land.

However, it is actually a kiss that Lara's considers to be her favourite memory. Sam as well. They don't consider it as simple, though. It was the farthest from simple, and the polar opposite of little. That meaningful memory? The most meaningful of them all? It's the moment that one of them (they can't remember which) threw caution to the wind, and leant in for that first unexpected kiss. They had built up to it for years, danced around it for longer, all for the fear of the potential loss. It seems silly now, to waste that much time before giving each other a chance. Although, maybe they only see it that way due to the passing of the time that followed. Most likely, it's been so long since- they've been so long since, that they've forgotten just how intense the fear of losing the other was. But in the end, all that matters is that that was the moment where they started. Not only the beginning of LaraandSam (as opposed to separate and plain Lara and Sam), but also the onset of all the important memories as well. So, that kiss is the memory that Lara is hellbent on taking to the grave. It's the memory. It's the one.

New memories are still created, of course. It's impossible for the passing of their lives to eventually become anything other than a memory. But these new ones, they just don't live up to anything from the past. And maybe that's partly because of the pieces that Lara and Sam lose each day. Partly because they grasp to those pieces so desperately, to the extent where it's possible that what's been lost wasn't actually as amazing as remembered. But maybe, just maybe, it's because they've stopped taking chances. Meaningful chances, the kind that can change everything or lead to anything. Chances just like that impulsive kiss that put everything to a start.

The two of them, they're old. Lara's the first to admit it. Their bodies are well worn from countless adventures, and a lot of things are ever so slightly more tiring than they used to be. But you don't need to be at the peak of physical fitness to make memories. You don't need to be young to make them, either. There is no requirement. You don't even have to take those huge chances; all you really need is to chance a step towards something. Anything.

You can make memories however you please, whenever you please.

It's that realization that causes Lara to toss her novel onto the table, not even taking the care to put in a bookmark. Sam looks up, when she hears the thud, and finds Lara grinning at her.

"Hey, Sam. Let's go pack a bag or two."

Sam isn't in on the plan, not yet. "What?"

"Let's go."

Lara's sudden enthusiasm is infectious, but Sam still doesn't know what she's becoming enthusiastic about. "Go? Where are we going?"

"Don't know yet. I haven't gotten that far. But we're setting out and we'll keep going until we get there. Wherever there ends up being." Lara's grin is growing, and Sam's is quickly catching up as she starts to get an idea of what Lara is up to. "I don't know about you, but I'm done with this. Staying here and saying 'remember when?' like it's the only phrase we know. Everything we've done, it's been great. But we're dwelling on those memories, and agonizing over losing the details. Let's go make new ones."

Sam's standing up before she even agrees to the plan. Her smile turns into laughter when she asks, "What exactly are gonna do?" She gestures between the two of them before adding, "I mean, look at us. We aren't exactly set to be chasing real life fairy tales anymore." She frowns. "I think I might have actually yelled at a kid who was on our lawn, a few days ago. Old people do that. I'm old people, Lara."

"I told you. I don't know what we're doing yet." Lara's hand reaches out for Sam's, and their fingers automatically entwine. "But we'll be doing whatever it ends up being together, and you know what? I think that that's the only thing I care about now. We don't need to do anything grand. We did so much of that, I think I forgot that there are other ways of living. Just staying here, living in a past that we can't always remember quite right- that almost feels like we're getting too close to having nothing left to lose." Lara pauses to take a glance out the window, and that smile is still on her face when she turns back to Sam. "So let's go. Let's go find ourselves some new memories."

anybody else picturing like, idk, an octogenarian lara inadvertently causing a shitstorm at a denny's or something

if you listen to one song from everything that i write in this lil' series, this is probably the one you should choose bc lol this will probs be my favourite song but least favourite chapter

*if you didn't skip it, that's cool, thanks, don't use it as a baseline for the rest of this or w/e