Readers! This is it! An update and the end! This was supposed to be submitted yesterday but..oh..you'll know in my notes later. So this will be a lengthy one, I hope you won't get bored and will keep on reading. I did my best to present a chapter worthy of your time and attention. Love yah! Please review, fave..alert..and yeah…be happy!
I wish he also knew that it was hard for me to come to that volition..to put into words the confusion and the affliction I was swimming through. But even if I reasoned out, it wouldn't be significant enough to conceal my intentions. Whatever words should come out would never have the power to affect him in a more gentle way than the aforementioned words did.
And that was one of the times that silence could be your friend and savior.
He just looked at me searching for any reason of my outburst. I could feel that he was feeling frustrated, hurt, and betrayed. Of course who wouldn't be?
Having me as his girl, I knew that he was expecting a lot of understanding from me. He was expecting me to stay at his sides even when he had to reach out for his dreams and leave me behind in the process. He was expecting me never to lose my trust for him that even when he had dreams, he'd never hurt me. He was expecting me to be the one to harness the bond between us, to mend the growing gap, to fulfill the insufficiencies, in his absence. Most of all, he was expecting me to love him all the way and never be the first one to give up on our flimsy relationship.
And I also expected myself to be contented of what I have, of what we have, of our status and measured progress.
But I wish he also expected that I could never do it alone – being the only one giving out sheer efforts to make our relationship work.
I decided to speak again. I had to mean what I said. I had to appear complete without any part of me hanging on a thin thread.
" If you win your tournament, it means you value it more than you ever valued our relationship..more than you ever valued me. But if you lose it, it means…you love me," I just couldn't count how many times I breathed out exasperated sighs. I could have ended breathless.
" What's happening, Ryuzaki? I thought you understand," his voice was becoming intense. And I knew if it wasn't Ryoma, the guy standing in front of me would have been yelling already.
He just called me Ryuzaki. It has been four years since the last time I heard him call me that. And in those times, before we even had what we have right now - which is sad to say, we could lose in any moment – that word clearly suggested that I was nothing to him. Maybe I was a friend but never meant something more than that. Whenever he addressed me like that, I couldn't help bleeding inside. Of all persons, Ryoma was the one I wouldn't like to hear that from.
The pain I underwent years ago was all coming back to me, and I wondered why it was harder to accept when it was supposed to be easy. The flow of the pain was too rapid for myself to overcome. I could have been thrown overboard, had my will to stay standing and unscathed faded.
" I hope you also understand that I'm just a girl. You can't expect me to understand all of this..all of your excuses for a long time. I know you have your dreams, but is it that hard for you to accept that I also have my dreams? And you're one of them! I don't even know what I really am to you. I don't know what you need me for when you only have most of your attention for tennis. I don't know if you want me here because you need me, or you just need a friend to be there during your dark days. Are you ready to tell me now, Ryoma?" the tears that had been welling up finally subsided and without them, I'm hoping I can make myself clear to him.
I also hope he will do just the same.
" I can't answer that, Ryuzaki..not now. All I'm asking for is for you to be here and to give me more time to finish what I started. I didn't know that you were expecting for more. I….-" and he never finished his sentence because his phone rang and whether we liked it or not, he had to answer it because for sure, it was about his tennis practice..his life. And I had just to live outside that circle of him.
" I really need to go..hope we can settle this soon,"
" Yeah..I hope,"
Ryoma pulled his cap down and started towards the door. I knew even when he didn't say something about it, he was mad at me. The door closing with a tight shut proved it.
I couldn't cry because I didn't deserve it. If there was someone who was worthy of tears, it would never be me. It should be Ryoma. But even in the farthest sight of his room, I knew he'd never have the guts to shed even a single drop.
So, what was I to do? Stay here and watch the minute hand complete its revolution for 3600 times? Cross my fingers and pray that he would choose me? Go outside and wish upon the first shining star that Ryoma would never leave me even after that confrontation?
Or just sleep and hope that I would never get to see the next sunrise and face the consequences of my actions?
Pity me. For all I know, I should be enjoying every minute because I had just released the anxieties devouring me from the inside, and I had just, as what I could discern, given Ryoma a challenge bigger than tennis.
Also, I hope I had just given him something he should be afraid of: losing me.
But it couldn't be. Even a billion of ifs would never provide me the reassurance that Ryoma would choose me over tennis, that I mean not only something but also everything to him, that if a heart analysis would be done, it would show that I occupy 90% of his affection, and that letting me go would never be any of his choices…and decisions.
So, 24 hours had passed already and still, no texts, no phone calls, no visiting, no Ryoma for me. I guessed he took my words seriously and was having a difficulty forgiving me for what I did. Or I could doubt that notion. He could be too preoccupied by his practice that he might have just considered what happened as one of his worst nightmares and should be in the bin.
Well, perhaps it was a training for me, to get used to what was ahead. In a few days, I could be living my life without him and those silent treatments from him would be the best trainings for me to take.
Still, I had one more thing to accomplish. I needed to decide if I were to still practice the traditional or just break the habit.
Should I go to his tournament tomorrow and cheer for him?
In his previous tournaments, I was usually not part of the crowd cheering for him. I was a bit nearer to him..sitting on one of the VIP seats at the front. VIP – very important persons to him ( his parents and senpais and friends), and I was lucky indeed I was regarded as that even for some time. I could remember those times when he had been stressed out, he would just glance at his side and would spot me. I would mouth the words " Go, Ryoma, Ganbatte!" and he would smirk while giving his undefeated spin on the ball that would beat whoever his opponent was.
Whenever he looked at me, even when I felt so obliged to do that, it really was satisfying for me because I knew he needed support and of all the people around him, I, would be the subject of his eyes and that support he longed for was necessary for me to give.
After receiving his trophy, he would come to me and thank me for my cheer. He never hugged me nor kissed my cheek in front of the crowd but it didn't matter to me then as long as he appreciated my efforts. Then a celebration would follow. Sometimes, he didn't want to be teased by his senpais so he was trying hard not to talk to me. But Grandma would insist that Ryoma and I should sit side by side. Thank goodness, he never got irritated of their pleas.
When everyone was busy singing, having a good time together, he would give me those secret smiles and I would blush, and he would chuckle, and I would pout for being slightly embarrassed. He would stop chuckling and would whisper " Nah, you don't have to..you're cute".
And with just those plain gestures, not mushy-gushy, I felt the attention and affection I needed from him. My yearning for him was satisfied.
I didn't understand why I had to yearn for more, why I had to oppose my views before, why I had to make things harder for us.
If I wouldn't come tomorrow, for sure the media would smell that something was incredibly off and they have to put their fingers on it for an intriguing headline in the next issue. For certainty, we would be rumored split and that would devastate Ryoma's career and image. He would lose the concentration he needed and that would be very bad for him.
That was why I wouldn't want that to happen.
So, perhaps, I would just come but no longer would sit on the VIP seat because right now, it seemed like that place was in no way where I belonged. It was enough for me to be there, witnessing his game, and his decision, even from afar. Anyway, it would give me pleasure to see him doing the best he can to win the tournament even if it means, he's setting me free.
This is it!
No more hesitations, I needed to go there now. What time is his game by the way? Oh yeah, he mentioned before that it's eight o'clock in the morning. And it's already eight, I'm still here!
I rushed things up. I didn't even have the time to look at the mirror if I looked untidy or what, but one thing I was sure of was that I had my sunglasses and hood on. I had to catch the bus. Luckily I did but it was too crowded inside and I couldn't get a seat, I could just stand and hold on to those rings. What worse was, we were caught in a heavy traffic. Of all times, why now?
I looked at my watch and it read 8:30. Just when I planned I should be early. I've thought of wishing him Good luck and God Bless through Grandma. I'm sure she would understand even when I hadn't spilled a single thing about it yet. But was it my fault for not being able to sleep last night until 3 am? How could I even have the nerve to sleep when I was all fidgety and well..terrified of what was bound to happen this day?
Finally, we arrived after five minutes. And I could already hear the cheers from his fan clubs. I was sure he was winning the game. I ran for myself to see it and there the score was 5-2, Ryoma leading. Knowing Ryoma, he could really finish such a game in a matter of 35 minutes.
Nervously, I walked down the stairs from above and found an empty seat among the crowd. My seat was near the net separating the audience from the playing court. I heard people around me say.
" Hey, isn't that Ryoma's girlfriend?"
" Yeah why is she here?"
" Shouldn't she be there at the VIP area?"
' I wonder if there's something wrong."
" Well..i hope..haha,next time I'll be there at the VIP,"
" SSH…you're too loud…she's not too pretty, isn't she?"
" Yeah.. I wonder what's up with those braids,"
" But well..she has the shape,,the curves,"
" You think Ryoma fell for that?"
I searched for the owner of the voices..for sure they were girls but I had no intention of attacking them or have a fight with them, just want to see their expressions if they really were so pissed of me. When we met eyes, they just rolled theirs and I could just look down.
Oh..just what I expected. They would talk a lot of negative things about me but would it still matter when in just a couple of minutes the game would end with Ryoma's victory? When that happens, I would be the genie of every girl dreaming to have Ryoma.
So, he has made up his mind. He was indeed going for tennis. I looked at him for one last time, watching his every move, his eyes, his hair, and I couldn't help shedding a single tear. And it continued to flow. I just wished no one would see me. It was a good timing for everybody was cheering for him.
I bowed down trying hard to mute my sniffles and not to attract attention. I clenched my skirt and blamed myself for all of this. I shouldn't have just brought up that issue. I shouldn't have made him choose. I shouldn't have trusted my instincts telling me that he would choose me..that he could.
I shouldn't have held on to the one thing I believed the most: he loves me .
I started wiping away my tears and tried to paint a smile for him. I lifted my head and looked at him again but I was shocked to see that he was already looking at me. For a minute, we were in a deadly silence, he stopped in his tracks of hitting the ball and cast me his worried look. And I didn't know if I was imagining things but I suddenly felt that he was dejected as I was.
It was a good thing he dodged a flying ball coming to him. He resumed to playing but he seemed to be lost. He could no longer hit the balls back even when they were too easy, without any special spins. He wasn't also doing his techniques. He once tried but it wasn't successfully executed that his opponent easily returned it.
Now, the score was 5-4. I suddenly wanted to walk out. He was losing because he saw me. He could be disappointed of seeing me or maybe..just maybe, he was unhappy to see me crying because he knew why.
So, if ever he would win this match, that wouldn't be because he chose me over tennis or he loves me, but that was because I distracted him.
Coming here was a really a mistake.
The people around me were starting to feel frustrated of Ryoma's play. I could hear them saying,
" Oh..c'mon, what happened to Echizen?"
" Is that what they call Prince?"
" Oi, I came here to watch a good game and he's ruining it,"
" C'mon, Echizen…fight, I can't lose my money,"
Even his fan cubs were starting to be suspicious.
" Ryoma..what happened?"
" It can't be because of your girlfriend, right?"
" You know what, I'm really starting to think that they fought or something,"
" That's a good news but Ryoma can't lose this match, or else his reputation would be messed up,"
Reputation? Yeah, his reputation. His reputation was of such importance to him and I just got him distracted! I had to make things right before it was too late. It didn't matter if he loves me or not.
I love him, that was all that mattered.
I stood up and inhaled deeply. 1..2..3
" GO, RYOMA-KUN! GANBATTE!" I screamed hoping he'll hear me. He then looked at me wide-eyed, probably wondering if I meant it or not, if I was just giving him a test or the truth.
I gave him a reassuring nod and smiled genuinely. I then mouthed, " I'm fine" so that he would no longer be bothered and would regain his focus to the game.
His fan clubs then cheered after I screamed. I let out a sigh, relaxed that it would all be okay now for him even if it would come to an end for me.
As expected, he won the game with a series of twisted serves. I clapped my hands as he looked back at me, smiling. I knew what was next so I found my way out. I thought of just walking away without having much to say. There was no need for more emotions to be spilled. I'm already happy knowing he's also happy.
Few meters from this arena is Seishun Gakuen. I decided to go there for a while to reminisce the old times before letting go. I headed to the tennis court and then to Ryoma's favorite place, where he practiced alone with just the wall and the balls and the racket. What a coincidence! There was a racket and a tray of balls. It might be a good idea for me to see how well I improved if I really had.
I got the racket and a ball, putting 2 extra balls in the pockets of my skirts. I started hitting the ball in my hand, and when I was just positioning myself to return it, it didn't bounce back to me; it deflected at a different angle. So, yeah..improvement was never meant for me.
" Hips, legs, and your braids..well they're not making the right posture for tennis, shall I teach you again?" that voice..how on earth did he find me?
" Ryoma!" I was indeed startled, " Why are you here? Shouldn't you be in a press conference?" Yes, he should be. I was used to it. Whenever he won, there woud be the awarding ceremony and then he would have to face the media for interviews that were just repeating every time.
" Yeah, but that can wait. This can't," and by the word this, I knew what he meant. He started approaching me and I backed away.
" Congratulations, Ryoma-kun!" I stuttered.
" Shall I thank you?" his voice was dead serious.
" About the deal, I –" he added but I cut him off.
" Yeah..about that, you don't have to worry anymore. Deal closed..it's okay," even if I tried to prove him that it really was okay, I couldn't look straight at his eyes because I was easy to analyze.
" What do you mean? Actually – "
" NO. I saw that you were winning and that was clear. It's…enough for me. You've decided and I just got you distracted so it's perfectly fine to me that you won the match. And..that…ends it," I started meeting his eyes and for seconds we just stayed like that waiting for each other's turn to speak.
But no words came out from his mouth, so I continued.
" With what I put you through, I just proved to the people who hate me that I'm really not good enough for you, Ryoma. I know you trusted me and I broke it. I know I should have understood you but I failed. I just considered what I was feeling..I just thought of myself..not knowing that you might also be hurting. You deserve someone better," I was the one who started this conflict so I should also be the one to end it. And ending it..ending us was the hardest decision I've ever made. But truly, I didn't deserve him.
" Ryuzaki, you know you don't have to do this. I understand you and – " he was reaching for my hand but I refused. His touch would only make me regret what I have just said. And if that happened, the same thing would just happen over and over again.
" But…my insecurities will just bring you down. I can't promise you that this will be the last time i'm gonna tell you to quit tennis. And it could be worse if I wouldn't be able to control it. So, Ryoma, fulfill your dreams first, and when the right time comes, if I really am the right one for you, then I'll come back and stay for good. But for now…this is goodbye," I was so absorbed in giving my farewell speech that I didn't notice myself crying. I wiped my tears away as I started heading to the opposite direction.
A tiny spark of hope inside of me was making me believe that he would catch up with me and would ask me to stay…but he didn't.
As if I did expect him to.
Before going home, I stopped at the playground and sat on a swing. With the circumstance I was in, of course I would be in no mood to play like the kids there. But that was it….seeing them happy…made me feel relieved and perhaps happy as well. In times that you need to be happy and you don't know where you can find the source of that happiness, I think the best resort is to observe the happy people around you and try to reach out..at least to have even a little share of the happiness they are feeling.
And that was exactly what I did.
When all the kids were gone, it was time for me to leave as well – leave permanently. As soon as I reached home, I packed my things – not all but most importantly, my clothes and other stuffs. I hesitated if I should also bring our pictures with me. Memories would be harder to let go of, if I would, so I just piled them inside a box and put it on my table. When I move on, I'll come back to retrieve those.
When I finished packing, I called Grandma and told her that I'm in a dire need of vacation. So I told her that perhaps I would go somewhere far from Tokyo..like in Osaka.
Grandma asked me if I were to be with Ryoma but I didn't respond. With that, she knew the answer. She also asked me if there was anything she could do for me and the best thing I could say was, " Don't tell him where I am going." She assured me and the call ended.
The last trip of the bus would be at 7 pm, and luckily I was able to catch it. When I entered the bus, I didn't know what the problem was with the driver. He was eyeing me. And then it hit me. He knew me!
" You must be Ryuzaki Sakuno..girlfriend of Echizen Ryoma, right?"
Hell..I forgot to wear my hood and glasses. How would I be able to lie?
" Yeah," and then I proceeded inside and found a vacant seat at the back. Actually, there were only a few passengers so the seats near the driver were also vacant but I just preferred to be at the corner..to hide my emotions if I was still not a master in keeping it in check.
It just occurred to me that I did tell a big lie. I was not his girlfriend anymore. An ex, more precisely.
I was musing when the television in the bus turned on. And I saw him.
He was in the press conference.
" Echizen-san, what can you say about your match earlier?"
" Same question as before, huh? Easy..no sweat,"
" Are you looking forward to your next tournament? Who's next in the list?"
I saw a faint smirk.
" Actually, I already gave my best shot in the tournament earlier. Care to know why?"
The media men started to become a bit quiet and seemed to give more focus. Perhaps eager to hear Ryoma's next words.
" That was my last tournament. I'm quitting tennis for good,"
Suddenly, I felt like I was sucked out of breath.
And the media men almost said in unison, "WHAT?"
" Echizen-san, please elaborate. Does it have something to do with your health? Your parents? Loss of interest? Or because of Ryuzaki-san?"
It couldn't be because of me. Would he say to the media that I made him decide? Would he reveal how bad I was and how inconsiderate of me to act like that? Was his anger towards me to that extent?
" If you shut your mouths for a while, then I may have the option of elaborating things,"
And the media men did.
" Tennis has been my habit and my favorite pastime since I was little. And it is my passion. And I'm always wondering why my father gave up his dream of being a tennis pro, so I planned of being one. But, now I understand my father. There are things in this life that you need to sacrifice to achieve something better. Likewise, I'm willing to give up my career to achieve my dream.. as a man, not as a tennis player anymore,"
One reporter asked, " So, Echizen-san, your point is?"
" My point is I'm quitting tennis to be with someone very special to me ,"
" Special? You mean your girlfriend or there's another girl?"
" Idiot. There's no one other than her. And I would like to take this opportunity to tell my fans to please stop threatening her. It was kind of her to let it pass like that, but if ever she gets hurt, then forget the Ryoma you admire, for I will be your worst enemy. Thank you," he then bowed and arose from his seat.
Even if he didn't mention my name, I knew he was referring to me. Why did he do that? Did he think I'll be happy because he said that, because he did it? What happened to him? Did I pressure him too much that he already lost his sanity?
Of all the things he could give up, why his dream? Just because of me? But I already told him that I'm fine, that it's okay.
How would I be able to sleep now, knowing that I am the main reason why the whole world will no longer see the Prince set foot on the tennis court?
Everyone would blame me. And I also blame myself. If I hadn't instigated it, this wouldn't have happened. He wouldn't have to stop reaching his dream just because of me.
He wouldn't experience regret.
Suddenly the bus jerked forward, and then it moved then jerked again. I could hear the tires screeched. One of the passengers yelled at the driver.
" Hey, you gonna kill us or what? You 're not supposed to be talking on the phone while driving. Stop that and focus on the road!"
Wew..I thought we would be caught in an accident..thought it was the end.
While I kept on pondering, resisting to cry, the driver stopped the bus and called out.
" For those who will be heading to Line 3, kindly get off the bus now,"
I would be heading to Line 3 to go to Osaka. I was pretty sure this bus was supposed to take me there since it was in line of its route. But I had no choice, I was not in the mood of picking up a fight – especially in our case, I'm 22 and the driver was I think around 50. Just imagine where that fight would lead to.
When I got off the bus, I realized that I was still about half kilometer away from my destination. And since the bus just turned the other way, it meant that the other buses would also do the same. There was no choice for me but to take a taxi instead. Just when I thought I could spend less by taking a bus than a taxi. Now I had to pay twice.
Never mind, as long as I would reach Line 3.
I waited for minutes but I didn't know where the taxis could be that I couldn't see them. Good thing, there was one without any passenger. I boarded it and told the driver, who was wearing a police cap and dark glasses, "Line 3".
The mysterious driver just nodded. He kinda creeped me out.
I still couldn't help myself from thinking what Ryoma had just done, and it really was making me pale. I could barely breathe. I wish I could talk to him but what for? Would he change his decision?
But the most thing I was afraid of, was telling him " Thank you".
I snapped out of my thoughts when I sensed that the buildings were not quite the same as they were before. It took me just seconds to notice that we were not in the right direction to Line 3.
I suddenly got nervous.
" Uhm..excuse me, but this is not the direction to Line 3…where are we?" I kept my voice from shaking.
No reply.
" Tell me…is this holdup or kidnap?" I was in the verge of crying. Please..not rape.
Still no reply.
I just waited. I could have opened the door and threw myself out but I would be dead.
And an irrational part of me was telling me to trust him.
Minutes later, the taxi stopped in front of the KBN Studio. And if I were not mistaken, this was where Ryoma had his press conference.
The driver took off his glasses and cap.
" Are you ready, Sakuno?"
It – was – Ryoma.
" What are you doing here? And why are we here? How did you know?"
" Easy - coach, bus driver..and a few taxi drivers," he turned around and looked at me. He flashed me a smile.
No way, Grandma told him? And then the bus driver was in connivance with him? Don't tell me, he also contacted other taxi drivers not to pick me up.
He then opened his door, walked towards mine and opened it for me.
" Come, we have to get there now," and then he motioned up.
He reached for my hand but I flung it away.
" No, Ryoma….why did you….I can't understand you!" I ran hard and went at the back of the building. I saw a park and at the center was a maze. Even though I was scared to be lost, I entered it and just ran in every direction possible.
When I was sure that I was already out of sight, I stopped. I sat down on the cold ground and covered my eyes with my arms. I cried.
I could take it no longer, it was hard for me to take it all. Everything was like a joke. And he just seemed to be enjoying all of this.
I didn't even know how he really felt for me, to begin with.
All of a sudden, a hand pulled me up and kept me in a tight embrace.
Ryoma.
" Sakuno, don't run away again. Why are you avoiding me? I did what you want, right? I gave up tennis for you. So, please..just stay," and I could feel that he was also tired of this game.
I faced him and distanced myself from him.
" But I told you that it's okay., that you can fulfill your dreams first! Don't come here and boast what you just did. Don't make me think that I was the one who pushed you to do it and so I needed to compensate for that. You're making it harder for me, Ryoma. I didn't even have the slightest idea of what you're feeling, of what you want me to feel," and my tears just poured down..and down..and down.
" Hear me out, Sakuno,"
" Why did you do it? How come you've decided to quit tennis?" tiredness evident in my voice.
" I just did what you also did. You were willing to leave just for me to fulfill my dreams,"
" But those are two different things! I set you free because I love you!" after realizing what I had just said, I inched backward and planned to run but Ryoma caught me by the waist and pulled me into him.
" Well, Sakuno..I also did that because I love you. Call it quits," he chuckled and reached for my hand again.
" We really have to go there, now," he said as we ran back to the building with hands intertwined.
" Oh there they are!" the media men were there and they surrounded us.
Ryoma halted and pulled something out of his back pocket.
He knelt in front of me and opened the box.
A ring.
" Now, Ryuzaki Sakuno, will you be not just my girl but also my wife?"
I bit my lips to stop myself from shedding tears. I didn't expect him to do this. Why so fast? I think I've just had all the happiness in the world. And..well, i think i should thank Grandma, and all the drivers in the world.
" Well, Sakuno..I'm waiting," he added. I was not sure if he was already losing his temper or what.
" Yes, Ryoma-kun!"
I then held out my hand and he fit the ring on my finger.
I threw myself around him and he lifted my feet off the ground and spun me around.
When I landed, our eyes locked.
" I love you, Sakuno" he said as he smiled.
" Thank you, Ryoma…I love you, too," I answered.
He kissed the tip of my nose and then the crown of my head as flashes of light from the cameras shone.
" It's okay that I am hurting as long as you're not"
So, how was it? That was quite a long one. This was supposed to end there in the scene when Sakuno chose to leave but then I thought it wouldn't be worthy of your time, readers. So thank you for the first 6 reviews. Hope I can get at least 10 for this one. And I was not able to proofread it because to tell you honestly, I've been keeping this whole thing from my parents and sisters. They really don't know that I write stories. So I'm really running out of excuses to make just to be able to stay up late and write stories. So, I need your support! And I hope I can update my other stories as well..especially Shadows of Before, a RyoSaku fic also..right now..it has my interest.
BTW, Line 3 was a product of my imagination. :)
* partially edited- Apr. 3, 2011..thanks for all the reviews..i thank you ryosaku for that review.. :)
April 4, 2011- finally edited, okay..since i'm just 15 ,i can't assure that there would be no mistakes anymore. I'm sorry for reading it with such mistakes. I've just fixed the grammars and the punctuations. haha, i noticed some plot holes and i did want to insert some lines to clear them all but then it would be unfair for those who have read this already, so i didn't. But there were like 2 lines i added for necessity. Again, thanks for all the reviews! You know who you are. Love yah, guys!