The first time was after the last AP test. You know how that is, another few weeks of classes, but everyone's been accepted to college and with the exams done, nothing really matters. Hell, the teachers barely took roll. The Vortex Club…

Yes, that's what it was called and no, I don't know why. And yes, I was the Queen Bee. I've told you what a Mean Girl I was in high school.

Fuck you, I am not. Well, mostly not. Shit, if you think I'm that way now, you should've seen me in my prime.

Anyway, we started having lots of parties, like two or three a week, as long in between as it took us to get over hangovers and clean up. Nate… yes, that Nate… well, you know between his parents and mine, money was not really an issue.

Yes, I know we were all underage, but you'd be surprised how much shit the Vortex Club got away with here.

Yup, a fucking open bar, at a high school party. Well, for the VIPs only.

I know, I know, Bitch in High School, I've already covered that…

I guess I told myself it was because I was drunk. Maybe it was, the first time. Truthfully, I probably was a bit buzzed. Just enough to say 'fuck it.' I was so tired of it… You don't get it, like from Day One, she was all I could think of. I was like obsessed.

I don't know, it was everything I guess, the whole package. Super hot, fucking awesome photographer, shy, insecure, she hit every fucking button I have.

Yes, I did notice that you and she look a bit alike. I have a type, Ok?

No, that is not why I hit on you. You may both rock that hipster waif thing, but you are nothing alike otherwise. She wouldn't even say Boo to me, which just pissed me off all the more. I kept pushing and pushing, waiting for her to push back, stand up for herself, do anything.

Ha! Yeah, hard to believe after tonight, right? That was… new. I guess she finally found some self-confidence at college or something.

U of W

It was not "too quick" … I have a good memory and like I said, I was a bit obsessed back then, so of course I knew where she'd gotten in. I knew where she applied, who accepted her, who rejected her.

Stalker is a bit… [sigh] on the nose actually.

Yes.. 'fuck it' I told myself. I left the VIP Section (I know) and found her out on the dance floor with Kate, Warren, some other randos.

Kate's the one you met tonight. Warren is her ex. … No, Max's ex, not Kate's.

Bi, duh. Though I didn't know that then.

Fine, yes, when she stuck her tongue down my throat on the dance floor, I should have figured that out, but like I said, I was buzzed and stupid.

No, I actually kissed her first. I started out just dancing with the group of them. I could tell it freaked them out but I didn't let myself care. I was so sick of just… just wanting her. The Mean Girl shit had only made things worse. We were a couple weeks from never seeing each other again, so what the hell, right? We danced, then the other randos all took off.

I guess I never really thought about it that way, but yeah, I guess it is kind of odd. Who abandons their friend in that situation?

Yeah right.

Seriously, I doubt that they were "wingmaning" because that would mean that they thought that she…

Fuck.

I fucking hate myself sometimes.

'I can't believe this is happening,' Max thought. The lights flashed around them, strobing in time with the EDM beat. She noticed Kate tugging at Warren's sleeve, then a minute later, she was alone. Alone with Victoria Chase. She should have picked Dare. If she had, she'd never have had to admit to her friends how badly she had it for her bitchy, beautiful neighbor. The one who had spent the first half of first semester mocking her at every opportunity. The one she'd maybe said ten words to since.

Victoria swayed gently to the music, her eyes locked on Max's, letting the rhythm draw her closer with each downbeat until she was all but grinding up against her. Max felt Victoria's breath on her neck, watched stunned as two pale arms snaked their way around her waist and drew her close. She smelled the faint echo of alcohol but couldn't tell if it was from her breath or Victoria's. She'd drunk enough to not care, especially not now as the star of her most intimate and private dreams pressed her tight body flush against her own.

"Maxine," Victoria whispered, breath hot in Max's ear. "I've wanted you for so long…"

I don't know. Our faces were close, cheeks brushing, maybe I kissed her first, maybe she kissed me. Does it matter? We were stupid, half drunk horny teenagers alone on a dancefloor, surrounded by lights, music, hormones. We kissed and it was everything I'd ever dreamed.

Yeah, my first with a girl.

It felt fucking incredible, like everything suddenly made sense and was right. I don't even remember how long we stayed there or the trip back, but we made it back to her room and fuck, it was hot.

No, not the first night. We just made out, maybe felt each other up a little bit, tits only. Just holding her, lying on her bed, it was enough.

Well, I guess we both fell asleep, maybe passed out. I woke up first and got the hell out of there.

I don't know what I was thinking. No, that's a lie, I know exactly what I was thinking. I was scared as shit. I think part of me had hoped it was just a phase, or like this stupid itch that I could just scratch once and be done with it, that the feelings would go away and I could be normal again.

I know that now, but back then I didn't. Like I said, I was a mess in high school.

No. That's the whole point. If it had just been that once, maybe… I don't know what would have happened but no, not just once.

The first time, Max could chalk it up to the alcohol. Victoria acted no differently, deliberately dodging Max's feeble attempt to initiate a conversation the next day. Her damn anxiety made it hard enough to talk just normally, let alone start this kind of talk. So much easier to just go back to normal, enjoy the memory as if it had been a vivid dream.

The next party went by without anything out of the ordinary and Max had resigned herself to the situation. Until the knock at her door afterwards… until the sudden embrace and passionate kisses, the falling backwards onto the bed, hands roaming. A little voice told her that this wasn't right, but Victoria's lips felt soft on her own, the bodies melded together like matching puzzle pieces, her skin warm and soft, quivering at Max's touch.

They went further the second time. Tops fell to the floor; new and sensitive parts of their bodies explored fully. When Max reached down to undo the button of Victoria's skirt, the blonde girl started and pulled away, stammering about having an early class.

Max cursed herself for pushing too far too soon.

The next day she managed to sputter out an apology in the hallway, but Victoria waved it off and darted away, clearly uncomfortable.

If that had been the last time, Max would have blamed herself for the rest of her life.

You know that expression "third time is the charm?" Yeah, that's bullshit. I deliberately did everything I could not to think of her, not to consider what it all meant. How much I'd wanted it, how much I wanted her. I threw myself into anything to distract, like planning the graduation party, buying shit for college, even my fucking classes. The teachers didn't even want to bother. Who the hell cares what seniors in their last week of school do in class. Mostly we watched movies, but I was doing fucking worksheets.

I guess, yeah… the way I left, when she'd made a move down south. I guess she did blame herself.

I don't know! I wasn't thinking clearly. Max Fucking Caulfield was saying words… to me! The fact that she was apologizing was like…

Again, Bitch to End All Bitches. I get it. I know.

I know you didn't mean it like that, but you should have. I was. She probably did think it was all her fault. Maybe it's good that it didn't end like that. At least this way, the blame ended up where it belonged.

After midnight, the DJ started playing almost exclusively slow songs, correctly reading the room. The party hounds had long since worn out or departed. The mood of those remaining trended toward romance. Her friends had left, but Max had insisted on staying behind. They knew why, but they didn't press her. Their concerned expressions kinda pissed Max off anyway. As if she didn't know how pathetic she was being.

Dim lights, slow jams, couples clinging to each other as they swayed gently back and forth… and then she was there.

Victoria said nothing, simply extending a hand. Max took it and let the girl of her dreams draw her forward into the dance. She let the world slip away, refusing to think about anything other than the feel of cashmere on her cheek as she lay her head on Victoria's shoulder, draping her arms around her waist.

For eons they danced together, neither speaking a word, just lingering in the feel, the scent, of the other.

"Come with me to my room," Victoria finally whispered.

"Okay."

It was both our first times. Neither of us really knew what were doing, but we did it anyway. It was… it was incredible.

No, I don't think so. I've had sex just for sex and it was nothing like that.

That's not fair. You were my girlfriend, official and all. You know what I mean. Max and I were… I don't know what we were. The point is, yes, it was wonderful, but different from what we have. You know I love you, babe!

Happy ending, no, not quite. Quite the opposite.

We fell asleep together. The other times we'd been in her room, so I could just slip out in the morning. I know, I know! Anyway, this time we were in my room, so not an option. I remember waking up and rolling over and just staring at her while she slept. She looked so adorable, so content and part of me just wanted to cuddle her and never let her go.

But, then the rest of my fucking brain kicked in.

It wasn't like it is now. I know it's only been five years, but the world has changed a lot with this stuff. You remember how hard it was to come out to my parents, and that was after they'd gotten all "pride" with their gallery. Back then, I had no idea what they'd say. It wasn't even that, really. I just didn't think that I could be that way.

Fine, gay I didn't think I could be gay.

"Tori?" The sudden chill woke Max fully, the removal of the warmth at her side. Sleepily, she opened her eyes to see Victoria standing and hastily donning a bathrobe.

"Don't call me that."

"But, I don't understand. You told me you liked it that I gave you a pet name."

"Well, I don't." Victoria turned and faced the window, unwilling to watch the effect of her words on Max. "That's not what this is. I'm not like that."

"What this is?" Max asked, confused. "Like what?"

"I'm not some dyke!" Victoria snapped, unable to stop herself. "I was just drunk. Way to take advantage!"

Max sat up, pulling the sheets up over her naked torso. "I didn't… you weren't… you didn't seem…"

"It's fine, I'm not going to press charges or anything. I just… you should go. I need to finish packing."

"Tori… Victoria, what the hell?" Max began groping at the edge of the bed for her clothes, cycling through confusion, anger, and sorrow and back. "I really like you. I wasn't just using you or something. I thought maybe… I hoped…"

"I have no idea what sick ideas you had, but it doesn't matter. I'm leaving today and you need to just go." She turned and dared eye contact. "Please, Max."

Max quickly dressed, not bothering to hide the tears that feel freely down her cheeks. Her eyes never left the floor and without another word she left.

What do you think I did? I packed my shit, called the movers, and hit the road. That's what I did. What I wanted to do was collapse on my bed and cry my fucking eyes out, to fucking run across the hall and drop to my knees and beg forgiveness. Or to just burn the fucking gay out of myself so I could be normal.

But what I did was bury all of that, pack it away tighter than my fucking figurine collection, and get on with my life.

Don't tell me that any of it was understandable. It doesn't fucking matter why I acted like that. I've read the damn pamphlets and watched the YouTube videos. I know it gets better. Hell, it has gotten better. Doesn't change the fact that I treated someone like fucking shit just for having the fucking nerve to like me.

I don't know what I thought I would happen. Like we'd just fucking laugh it off as childhood memory.

Yeah, I guess it is still pretty raw… for both of us.

I know, and I'm so glad you're here with me.

I never told you because I was afraid you'd…

I know that, now. I love you, too.