Author's Note: Same warning as always... I am not a writer. But I'm trying for the same reason as always - I'm fascinated by Regina. I have to get some of these thoughts out of my head. Filed under SwannQueen because I don't think I could write a male character to save my life. No sexytimes.
The story is complete but I'm not posting the whole thing at once... I'm a tweaker (no, not that kind) and I'm not quite ready to let the next bits into the wild. I'm posting this bit to force myself to STOP making nit-picky changes.
Warning: At some point, there is talk of non-consensual sex and abuse. It's not graphic but it's there because Regina's life has basically sucked balls. Please give this a pass if that bothers you.
Emma's day had certainly taken a turn. What had started as a little B&E into the mayoral mansion to grab some forgotten files, and maybe an illicit sandwich, had turned into something much more complicated. But not, if she was honest with herself, unexpected.
She had noticed off and on lately that something wasn't quite right with Regina. She was pleasant, which was still new but no longer startling. She was generous with her time and resources and had helped almost everyone with something - magical and not - in the months since they had returned to Storybrooke. This too was new, but also no longer unexpected. Her humor was still biting but there hadn't been a single murderous range in forever. In fact, it was completely the opposite. The only time you ever saw her truly worked up like the Regina of old was when she was defending someone. To hear Snow tell it, the Regina that had protected her from the spectral Cora was an absolute force of nature. And Emma believed it because Regina had taken almost all of the hits that Zelena had dished out, whether she was the intended target or not, without a single complaint. Seeing this person, this protector, that had been beaten down inside of Regina all this time was indeed humbling, but it wasn't what made her spidey sense tingle when she was in the Mayor's presence.
It was a new hesitance that showed up at the most unexpected times. Not when she was holding off a vengeful spirit or even saving the town from a wicked witch. It showed up during the little moments that make up a Mayor's day like having to tell someone they couldn't have their street re-paved or their parking spot moved. Any hint of impending conflict and Regina tensed, as if waiting for a blow. The Regina from before had never shied from any sort of conflict and to see her do so now was startling in the extreme.
Also startling was to walk out into the foyer of Regina's house in the middle of the afternoon to find her propped up against the door on the floor with her head resting on her knees. That had certainly kicked her heartrate up a notch and the fact that there were no injuries apparent on the Mayor somehow made it worse. The hesitancy that she had almost convinced herself she'd been imagining was the only part of Regina showing and her attempts at false bravado, normally her speciality, had drown under it. Regina was left as exposed as Emma had ever seen her.
Clearly Regina needed help but first she needed a meal. Emma wasn't sure how long it had been since Regina had gotten in her three squares but she would hazard quite some time; that's why they were pulling into the lot in front of Granny's right now. Emma only needed a quick glance at Regina to see that she was dreading this entire plan. Honestly, Emma considered it a miracle that she had agreed to it at all.
As they walked towards the diner door she watched Regina transform before her eyes and even knowing what she knew now, Emma could hardly pick up any signs that something was amiss. It was truly a masterful trick and Emma realized suddenly that if she hadn't stumbled upon Regina with her guard so completely down, she wouldn't have learned of her struggles until it was too late to help.
The thought was sobering and she wished, not for the first time, that being the Savior came with a handbook or something.
By the time they entered the diner, the transformation was complete. If pressed, Emma would admit that Regina was a little more tense than usual but her constant regal bearing made that a hard sell. Emma had even more opportunity to observe as she was forced to trail closely behind her companion in the unusually crowded diner. She watched Regina greet Granny warmly and smile politely to the townsfolks that braved a glance her way. Just like the new normal.
But when they made it to their booth and took their seats Regina sighed heavily, perhaps unknowingly, and it was the sound of utter exhaustion. Emma felt tired just hearing it. Clearly the act of putting on a brave face was a trying process. The fact that she was still doing it, even though it was really just the two of them now sequestered in their corner booth, struck Emma as completely unacceptable.
So she picked up a stream of meaningless banter that broke only when they placed their order and then when their food arrive sometime later. She kept an eagle eye on Regina the entire time and watched her shoulders drop slowly. Her hands had started the conversation grasped tightly in front of her but they too relaxed. Finally the tension in her face started to lessen as well. And she actually made a dent in the sandwich Emma had forced her to order. By the time they were finishing up Emma was starting to feel almost pleased with her progress.
Then the ruckus began and Emma could have screamed in her frustration. What started as a slightly raised voice towards Emma's right quickly escalated to angry shouting. To say that Regina flinched would be an understatement. Emma had seen the reaction a thousand times in a thousand fosters homes and she swallowed thickly against the bile that rose in her throat. It's meaning was clear, knowing Cora as she did.
As sheriff, she was going to have to deal with the growing conflict, but she couldn't stand the thought of leaving Regina alone; she had promised they would do this together. She reached out her hand and met Regina's eye apologetically, thinking she had just enough time to offer a hasty apology before all hell broke lose. But instead her hand was quickly covered by the older woman as she rose from the booth. She was now wearing steely resolve like an armor.
"It's ok. I know why they're fighting. I can take care of it." It was clear from her tone that Regina was resigned to her task.
Before Emma could even think about formulating a reply, Regina was walking towards Leroy and his sparring partner. Emma could do little other than scamper after her and look authoritative as Regina placed a hand calmly on Leroy's shoulder. He was fully committed to his anger and spun towards the interruption violently. Regina didn't seem to bat an eye and Leroy went from angry to sheepish in a split second. None the less, Emma took another step closer and ghosted a hand across her back so that she would know she didn't stand alone. If she found a budget meeting hard, surely she would require some moral support to get through this confrontational encounter.
"Madam Mayor." Leroy began to ring his hands nervously in front of him, an odd mannerism for the usually self-assured miner. The town and Regina were at an odd point in their relationship where people were starting to expect the best from her but still worried about the worst. And Leroy was a suspicious fellow at heart. He was clearly expecting repercussions.
Regina smiled at him, almost indulgently, then tipped her head towards the other party. It was a small gesture, but from a strong woman it carried a great weight. Emma couldn't even recall his name but it was clear that Regina knew who he was, and he her. "Didn't we settle this earlier gentlemen?"
They each mumbled a response that seemed nothing short of contrite. Leroy had more to say though, and Emma watched on as Regina let him vent. "He just makes me so mad, I want to hit something." He pounded his fist into his open palm for emphasis and Emma thought she saw a ripple of reaction run through the Mayor, but nothing more. "I can't even have a conversation with the guy. We'll never get this thing settled."
"Of course we will." Regina's voice was calm, but firm. It was clear she would entertain no disagreement on the matter. What's more, she seemed completely calm and totally at ease. She was also clearly totally in charge. "I told you today that we would figure it out and we will. I have some thoughts on the matter already that we can discuss next week. Until then, I need you two not to demolish Granny's. Henry would be devastated."
The fact that Emma had zero clue about what they were discussing was immaterial. She could tell that the danger of escalation had passed. The two men were starting to look embarrassed and it was quite possible that they were only just realizing the scene they just made.
Silly miners.
"Now, can we all return to our meals?" Two more head shakes and it was officially over. Emma wasn't immune to the authority in Regina's voice and she started to return to her seat as well, wondering if she was losing her mind. Had she imagined this afternoon entirely? She craftily let her companion get in front of her so she could study her without threat of being caught and hopefully determine if she was truly as calm as she appeared.
Without the need to hide her scrutiny she was able to pick up the subtle signs of distress that Regina couldn't hide, no matter how good an actor she was. She could see her heartbeat fluttering wildly at the pulsepoint on Regina's neck and her breathing was concerningly shallow. Not good.
As they squeezed back into the booth, Emma managed to catch Regina's eye. "You ok?"
Emma watched as Regina gave the matter quite a bit of thought. Her gazed drifted away from Emma's as she analyzed the situation but it returned after her contemplation. "That was not as difficult as it usually is. Thank you for coming with me."
It wasn't really an answer but it seemed to Emma like it should be a good thing. However, she could tell from Regina's expression that the Mayor did not. Shit. Did she look worse than when they left her house? Emma thought about covering her hands with her own but decided against it. Regina was looking particularly skittish at the moment.
Instead, Emma went for nonchalant and leaned her elbows casually against the table. "It's no biggie. I just want to help."
She actually got a smile out of Regina with that, but it was more wistful than anything else. "I know that dear, but you are not my Savior nor should I encourage you to become so."
Emma blew out a breath in frustration. This conversation made no sense to her no matter how hard she tried to follow along. Why wouldn't this stubborn woman let her help? Every time she thought they were making progress it was the exact opposite. "Regina, I don't understand. I'm trying, I swear I am, but I can't keep up."
For most of the meal Regina had been shy about making eye contact; her gaze would skitter past Emma's but never really land there. Suddenly, though, she fixed her gaze on Emma and it was so intense that it was almost tangible. Emma had to fight the instinct to look away.
The hesitant Regina had disappeared for a moment and her next words were delivered with a conviction that Emma thought was lost to the Mayor. "I know I'm not making much sense but it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you remember this moment… someday... when you're looking back and wondering if you could have done something differently. If that ever happens I need you to think of this day, right now, and know how very much it means to me that you stood with me just now. For no other reason than you knew I needed you to. And that it was one of the kindest acts I've ever experienced."
Regina's monologue finished abruptly and the two women were left staring at each other; neither woman could break the connection. In fact, if Granny hadn't come by with offers of desert they may never have left. But she did and the interruption broke Regina free from Emma's gaze. She pulled back sharply and sucked in a quick breath and Emma knew right away that Regina regretted her outburst. With a quick apology and something about needing fresh air, she quickly exited the diner.
Emma watched her go and knew, with one hundred percent certainty that despite her objections, Regina Mills absolutely needed the Savior.
Regina dropped heavily onto the bench outside Granny's and lowered her head into her hands. She groaned out loud at her own stupidity. How had she fucked this up so completely? The answer was simple but admitting it to herself was hard. Even though it was a ridiculous notion she had hoped that somehow she and Emma could end up being friends and that maybe she wouldn't be so damn lonely all the time.
Regina shook her cradled head back and forth a few times, amazed that she could be so foolish - so selfish. Of course there was no way that the Savior could be friends with the former Evil Queen; Regina had done nothing to deserve such a kindness.
Unfortunately, after her little monologue in there Emma was even less likely to give up on her and no matter how much her actions continued to contradict her, Regina did not want Emma feeling responsible for her. She never wanted that for Emma. Keeping the Evil Queen buried was her price to pay.
Regina wasn't even certain why she had said those things in Granny's. But at that moment, seeing Emma so confused, Regina saw the girl's future - what it would be like for her if Regina failed and ultimately succumbed to the protection the the Evil Queen offered her. She saw how confusion and guilt would war within her while she wondered what she could have done differently to save Regina from herself. And she had just wanted to give Emma something to hold onto later, so that she wouldn't blame herself. So that she could be strong for all of the people in Storybrooke that Regina had ultimately failed. Like their son.
Instead she had fucked it all up.
Behind her she heard the bells of Granny's door chime and figured that Emma had finally made her way outside. The footsteps stopped behind her and after a second she heard Emma clear her throat, confirming her guess. "You know you left me with the bill in there, right?"
Regina barked out a laugh, so unexpected was Emma's comment, and she removed her head from her hands to leaned back against the bench. Emma was standing to her far right and Regina could just make her out in her peripheral vision. Her arms were full and Regina twisted to get a better look, absently smoothing her disheveled hair behind her ear. The extra effort was unnecessary because Emma was already swinging around the end of the bench to sit down next to her.
As always, the blond exuded a comforting warmth and Regina felt a shiver run through her unexpectedly. As the afternoon had moved on the temperature had dropped; with the sun behind the clouds it was downright cold. Emma noticed, of course, and produced the coat that Regina had abandoned in her haste to retreat. "Here," she said quietly. "You need this."
There wasn't much call for pretense between them anymore and now that Regina was aware of the cold weather, she realized that she was quite freezing. She took her coat gratefully and swung it around her shoulders. She wasn't ready to get up yet.
Regina nodded towards Emma's other item, a rather full plastic bag. Emma followed her gaze and shrugged in that uniquely Emma manner. "I picked us up some dinner."
Regina began to protest but Emma didn't even let her get started. "We need to talk. Tonight. And you need to eat. So that's what we're going to do. We just need to swing by my room so I can grab some things." The implication that Emma was planning to stay with her was clear.
"Emma," the blond continued to look at her and she realized she had no idea what she wanted to say. She settled for the point she'd desperately been trying to make since Emma found her in the foyer. "That's not necessary. I'm not your responsibility. That's what I was trying to tell you earlier, even though I mishandled it spectacularly."
Regina's hands were laying casually in her lap and Emma reached for one now and held it tightly in her own. The sincerity in her gaze was gripping. "Regina, I can't leave you alone tonight. I have no idea what's going on with you but I'm worried. Henry always makes me promise that I'll watch out for you and I always say I will but I've never known what the hell he was talking about. You defeat witches and break curses set by wicked little magical boys and get thrown through clock towers and you're always just fine. But I still keep promising him, even though I feel like a giant fucking ass. But today… well, today I understood."
Like each conversation before it, this one was spinning out of Regina's control. She tried to right the ship but even as she spoke, she knew it was a waste of time. "I know you're worried dear, but I assure you that nothing is going to befall me tonight."
Emma didn't even blink. It was clear her mind was made up. "I won't leave you alone. Please don't ask me to."
Regina looked at Emma and saw clearly that this was causing her pain and that was not what she wanted. But every time she tried to distance herself from Emma everything just went to hell. Maybe tonight, once and for all, she could come up with the words to fix this. So, she agreed.
Notes:
Same as always - Feel free to share your thoughts if you're so inclined but please recall that I am the furthest thing from a writer there is. This is probably the best I can do.