Scott Pilgrim X Mass Effect
Chapter 1
I was nervous, as I sat in the shuttle, flying through space, with two Cerberus soldiers watching over me. I wonder how Ramona Flowers was doing, I thought. I hope she'd be okay. I also had to wonder who Commander Shepard and his squad were, and how they survived a suicide mission against those 'Collectors' or whatever they're called. If they can destroy those Collector-guys the same way I did the League of Ramona's Evil Exes, wouldn't that make us equally-matched to the point of killing each other, rather than just one of us killing the other?
The shuttle would arrive at the uncharted planet and into its atmosphere. As I looked through the window, I discovered that it was mostly barren, with literally nothing except grass, rocks, plains, and bizarre alien animals running around the fields. The shuttle would land on the ground, nearby a dark cave, as I was shoved out of the shuttle by the soldiers and onto the ground. The soldiers would then carry a large, mechanical distress beacon out of the shuttle and place it on the ground.
"So guys," I said to the Cerberus soldiers, "what am I supposed to do again?"
"The Illusive Man told you already," said one of the soldiers, "so there's no need for us to explain it to you."
"O-kay," I responded. After planting the beacon on the ground, the soldiers would go back to the shuttle, as it flew away with them into the sky. I was left all alone, in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but a distress beacon to lure Shepard and the others, and a cave to hide from them.
A day would pass, and already I was hungry. I never had a shower since the day I was abducted along with Ramona, and I didn't have a good-night sleep because of the rough, uncomfortable ground. I was worried that a couple of wild alien animals would appear out of nowhere to eat me, and I was giving up all hope that Commander Shepard and his squad would appear.
A long week later, and the only food I could find was from the various wild animals I'd kill with the fighting-skills I developed from fighting Ramona's evil exes. I didn't have any fire to cook them with, so the best I could do was eat them raw and pray that I didn't get sick from any of them. I also learned to get used to the rough ground, as I was more capable of sleeping on it. But despite eating wild animals to survive and getting used to the rough ground, I was a complete mess, not only because I haven't taken a shower in a week, but also because I became psychologically broken. I kept worrying about Ramona, I couldn't wait for Shepard and his squad any longer, and I had to wonder how Ramona and I can reach Cerberus's time-machine to go back to the 21st century.
As I slept during the night, I was awoken by the noise of a loud engine roaring in the sky. As I quickly got up, I saw a large ship from afar, dropping off another shuttle similar to the one that dropped me off. Was that thing the Normandy 2 the Illusive Man talked about, I asked myself. With no way of finding out, the best I could do was hide in that cave as much as possible. An hour later, the shuttle would appear in front of the distress beacon I was near, and as the hatch opened, three soldiers appeared out of it, each wielding guns. One of them was a grizzled space-marine wearing a black suit of mechanical armor with an N7 symbol on it. The other two was an African man and a white woman, both wearing uniforms with the Cerberus insignia emblazoned on them, like those Cerberus soldiers.
As I hid in the cave, unseen, the three soldiers looked at the distress beacon as the African male soldier said to the others, "If this is the distress beacon found on the galaxy map, then where are the survivors?"
"Who knows," said the female soldier. "Probably gave up on rescue and decided to survive the wilderness on their own."
"This doesn't explain everything," said their leader in the N7 armor. "EDI, do you have an explanation?"
"Scanning distress beacon," said a female computer voice speaking in the N7 soldier's right ear. "According to the data I've gathered, it appears that the distress signal had been active for a week. I also detect only a single lifeform on this planet."
"A single lifeform, you say," asked the leader.
"It is located right in front of you," replied the computer voice the soldier called EDI.
This isn't right, I thought. How can some computer-thingy be able to spot me?
"Impossible," said the African soldier. "I don't see anyone in front of us!"
"Unless they're in that cave," said the female soldier, as she took out her gun and aimed it at the cave I was hiding in.
"I see," said the leader, as he and the African soldier took out their guns as well, as the leader said, "Whoever you are, come out where I can see you!"
With no other choice, I came out of the cave with my arms up, walking toward the soldiers as I said, "Please, don't shoot me!"
"Calm down," said the leader. "I just want to know who you are and how you got here."
"Scott Pilgrim," said the female soldier. "Hails from the 21st century. Took down seven of his girlfriend's evil exes."
"How do you know about him," the leader asked the female soldier. "He's just some ordinary, young man."
"Cerberus studied his history," replied the female soldier, "understood the limitless potential within this young man when he battled his girlfriend's seven evil exes and defeated them all."
"But why would a young man from the 21st century be here," asked the African man.
"Unless we find out from him," replied the leader, "we won't get anything, let alone why there's a distress beacon here, and what that Scott Pilgrim person has to do with it." The three soldiers would lower their guns and slowly walk toward me. I was nervous as God-knows-what, as the leader said, "My name is Commander Shepard. The other two are my squad-mates, Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor, both of whom are ex-Cerberus. Why are you here along with the distress beacon?"
"He's right," said the African Shepard calls Jacob Taylor. "You shouldn't be here in this time period. You should be dead for the past one-hundred years right now."
"Right," I said awkwardly. I couldn't believe it, I thought. Commander Shepard, just as the Illusive Man said! He wasn't lying when he said the beacon would lure him and his squad to me. But what should I do? If I either tip them off or just plain attack them, they could try to kill me with their giant guns. But if I was capable of defeating seven evil exes, wouldn't that make me capable of dodging speeding bullets as well? What should I do, fight Shepard and his team, or let the Illusive Man kill Ramona?
"Um," I awkwardly said to Shepard and the others, "you're c-charged with t-t-treason against Cerberus, and I'm here to... uh... bring you to the Illusive Man dead or alive?"
Shepard would look at his teammates awkwardly, then say to me, "Look. I appreciate your stupid jokes, but I'm not laughing, and I need to know why you're..."
"You haven't listened to everything I said," Miranda said to Shepard, "didn't you?"
"She's right," Jacob said to Shepard. "Scott Pilgrim was capable of defeating all seven of his girlfriend's evil exes, as the Cerberus dossiers say."
"You don't mean..." replied Shepard.
"Yes, Shepard," Miranda said to him, "and if he said that Cerberus sent him, then that would mean..."
"The distress beacon's a trap," cried Shepard
Reacting quickly, I would deal a massive punch into Shepard's chest, causing him to fly backwards, crashing into the shuttle. Miranda and Jacob would aim and fire their guns at me, as I managed to quickly dodge them. I then charged at Miranda, grabbed her arm, then tossed her over my shoulder and into Jacob, slamming the two on the ground as I stole her gun in the process.
As Shepard got back on his feet and out of the shuttle, aiming his assault rifle at me, I aimed Miranda's pistol at him along with Jacob and Miranda. "Stay back," I said. "I may not have any experience with a gun, but I've played a lot of video games that involved guns!"
"Listen," said Shepard, as his two teammates got back on their feet, "it doesn't have to be this way. Put the weapon down and we'll talk civilly."
"I'm only doing this," I said to Shepard and his squad, "because Cerberus kidnapped Ramona and is using her against me! If I don't defeat you in battle right now, they'll kill my girlfriend!"
"Shepard," Jacob said to his leader, "I highly doubt diplomacy will help the both of you."
"He's right, you know," Miranda said to Shepard. "He fears that if he betrays Ceberus like the rest of us, and instead side with us, they might kill Ramona."
"I don't know," said Shepard. "However, on the other hand, they are an evil organization, and evil people tend to dispose one of their own anytime their usefulness ends, like the turian ex-Spectre Saren after gaining the Cipher through that giant plant-thing, the Thorian, back on Feros. Probably because they're afraid that their henchmen might surpass and even betray them."
"Mine and Jacob's former boss, the Illusive Man," said Miranda, "is the type to dispose people regardless of who they are and whose side they're on. Regardless of whether or not Scott Pilgrim succeeded, failed, or betrayed the Illusive Man, our former boss would kill Ramona in front of his eyes anyway."
Shepard would think silently to himself for a few moments, then later on say to his teammates, "Perhaps you're right. Unless we find a way to save that young man's girlfriend, there's no way we can truly help him."
"Then," said Jacob, "I guess the only way we can deal with him is to kick his sorry ass so hard he'll be flying all the way to the edge of the galaxy."
"You've made the right choice," I said to Shepard and his squad.
Because I was more experienced in melee combat than guns, I passed the pistol I was holding back to Miranda, as she caught it and then say to me, "I don't know why, but thanks."
I went into my fighting stance, as I said to them, "Wasn't experienced in wielding a gun anyway."
"Are you sure," Shepard asked me. "Miranda and Jacob may know about your combat potential against your girlfriend's seven evil exes, but you're fighting us unarmed. We might slaughter you like cattle. Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Of course, Shepard," I said. "I'm willing to die for Ramona's sake!"
"Then by all means," replied Shepard, "come at us!"
Shepard, Miranda, and Jacob would fire their guns at me, but with the quick reflexes I developed from my battles against each of Ramona's evil exes, I managed to dodge their bullets, if only slightly. A couple bullets would scratch me, but nothing serious, even though I reacted like a complete pussy over a few of those minor scratches. "Ow," I yelled, holding on to one of the scratches on my right shoulder, "what did you do that for? Couldn't you see I was trying to dodge your bullets?"
"How can you complain like a toddler," said Shepard, "if you received very few minor scratches from our guns' speeding bullets? Shouldn't you be as powerful and dangerous as your dossier say you'd be?"
"Look," I said, "I don't want to kill any of you! I just want to rescue Ramona and escort the both of us back to the 21st century in that time-machine Cerberus built to abduct us!"
"A time machine," asked Jacob.
"Guess that explains how he got here," said Miranda.
"Our guns wouldn't work on him," Shepard said to Miranda and Jacob, "since he was capable of dodging speeding bullets despite his bitching about all those minor scratches he received from them. Did any of you two practice unarmed self-defense?"
"Yes," said Jacob.
"How about you," Miranda asked Shepard.
"There's more to me than just experience with a gun, you know," said Shepard. "Us Alliance marines would also learn unarmed self-defense when enemies get too close."
"Then let's disarm ourselves," Miranda said to Shepard, "and fight him hand-to-hand."
"You've spoken my language," replied Shepard, as he and his squad-mates tossed their guns on the ground aside and went into their unarmed fighting stances.
"I understand you won't shoot me with your guns," I said to them, "because I can easily dodge their bullets with the reflexes I developed from my battles against each of Ramona's evil exes. But, even without your guns, that doesn't excuse the fact that there are three of you and only one of me! You have me outnumbered! Why can't you just pick which one of you should fight me one-on-one instead?"
"If we fought you one-on-one rather than three-on-one," Shepard said, "two of us wouldn't be able to assist the third whenever he or she is in danger. You were capable enough of fighting all seven of Ramona's evil exes and dodging our speeding bullets. Surely, our combined hand-to-hand skills would give us a slight edge."
"Then I guess I have no choice," I said, going back to my fighting stance.
Shepard, Miranda, and Jacob would have me surrounded, but I didn't care. I used to battle large groups back in high-school. Surely, I thought, fighting Shepard and his squad-mates wouldn't be so bad either.
Our three-on-one fist-fight would begin, and would last for around thirty minutes, perhaps even longer. As we were done fighting each other, the three of them and one of me were kneeling on the ground, covered in bruises, cuts, scrapes, and other wounds, recovering our breath.
"Hmph," said Shepard, "looks like your former organization's profile on that young man wasn't lying, guys."
"Of course we're not lying," replied Jacob to Shepard, "Captain Obvious!"
"Scott Pilgrim possesses power beyond imagining," said Miranda, "despite his appearance."
"Then how the Hell can we beat him," Jacob asked Shepard.
"Yeah," I said to Shepard and his squad, "and how can I do likewise to you guys? You're literally everything the Illusive Man said you'd be! He told me that you used to survive and succeed a suicide mission, making you three and the rest of your teammates - whoever and wherever they are - the most dangerous team in the galaxy!"
"That's true," replied Shepard, as the four of us would get off our knees and stand back up. "We did manage to survive the entire suicide mission with our entire team and crew intact, after all, despite the slim odds of survival. Just as you were capable of defeating those seven evil people that wanted your girlfriend back."
"Then," I said, "where are your other teammates?"
"On the Normandy 2," replied Shepard. "They've been with me since the day we destroyed the Collector base and betrayed the Illusive Man and his group, Cerberus. If you want, I can bring along with me all my teammates so that you can meet them in person."
"But," I said, "wouldn't that leave your ship defenseless? Your teammates have to defend the ship while you and your two friends are away."
"We're sorry," Shepard said, "but you are our most powerful opponent since the Collectors. If it were just Jacob, Miranda, and I, you would've handled us like we're yesterday's news. That's why I'd probably need my entire squad to assist me in taking you down, even if it means leaving our ship at the mercy of some raiders, pirates, mercenaries, or whatever bad guys come our way."
"You defeat us," said Miranda, "you get Ramona back from the Illusive Man, our former boss."
"Although we highly doubt it," said Jacob, "since he'll probably dispose the both of you."
"How can you tell," I asked.
"When you were a kid," said Shepard, "you probably watched a lot of children's cartoons where the bad guys would dispose one of their own when they succeed, right?"
"Yeah," I said.
"Cerberus is no different from those cartoon villains you'd see on television," said Miranda.
"They'll probably execute Ramona right in front of your eyes," said Jacob, "then take you with her."
"Then it's a risk I'm willing to take," I said. "I'll find a way to save Ramona, even if it means fulfilling my end of the bargain to the Illusive Man by defeating you and your team!"
"Then you're more misguided than we'd thought you'd be," said Shepard. He, Miranda, and Jacob would get back into their shuttle, as the hatch closed in front of them. The shuttle would fly far away from where I am, and I was left alone to wait for Shepard and his entire team to hunt me down like some wild animal.