Juliette: ANNNND, we are back! Yay~
Victoria: Another chapter done! (wipes imaginary sweat off)
Juliette: Reporting live (yes, we're still alive) with your favorite humor Maximum Ride fanfic authors bring you: The Bird's and The Bees, Installment 2!
Victoria: Warning: just because we lived through this doesn't mean you will too... (laughs evilly) :) Bashing all Maximum Ride characters. Yes, we like to bash, especially Max and Fang. They are to funny to mess around with... _
Juliette: Sorry guys, Victoria's high right now, and don't worry; the only way you'll die is dying of laughter. Or so we hope. You may die of our utter stupidity as well... Please review! Thanks! :)
Victoria: Yep! And remember, this is only a parody and it was only made for the LULZ.
Juliette: Okay, there's a time skip which skips 9 whole months. But it's a pretty long chapter to make up for that. Oh, and I have a warning too: There is a surprise in this chapter and for those who cannot handle extreme awkwardness, you shouldn't read. :)
O.o.O
Chapter Two: It's...not a baby
Max POV
"C'mon Max! PUSHHHH!" Iggy was helping me deliver that wretched child that was growing inside of me. How amazing is it to have something, a living, growing 2% bird thing growing inside of you. I now can fully understand why mothers love their unborn children so much. I know I do. Now my child was leaving his safe, warm confinements of Mommy's rather rounded belly, and good grief was it painful.
"OWWWWWWWWWWWW!" I sobbed; something had definitely come out.
The people around me gasped. I blankly slipped into oblivion.
O.o.O
"OMFG! It's a fucking EGG!" A voice screamed. The voice seemed familiar . . . Nudge?
"You've said that ten times already Nudge. You know, we all can tell what it is. No need to remind us." The voice seemed somewhat disgusted with Nudge.
"Eeeewy! Look how BLAH it still looks!" I heard the Gasman make "ick" noise. He couldn't have been at this "egg". I mean, everything that I give birth to must be beautiful, right? After all, I am the Maximum Ride.
"Uhhhhggggguuuuuuh...?" I moaned, slowly opening my left eye. Everyone's head turned and began to stare at me, as if they were in a trance. "Wwwhhhhaaaa diiiid I doooo?"
"MAXXX!" I watched as people climbed up the squeaky medical bed and tackle me with a huge family sized hug-which it was. Ahhh, you can't hate those... I was about to smile warmly to the multiple, and rather stinky huggers before I began to suffocate. I growled loudly and punched Nudge to move. She looked down with an eyebrow raised, an expression of 'And that was supposed to hurt?' etched across her face. She moved to put her hands on her hips and accidentally bumped Angel who fell back and landed on Gazzy who hit Iggy's face who instinctively uppercut-ed the first thing he could make contact with, which so happened to be Fang's chin. And Fang, well, he just stood there and took it like a man. A sexy man. A sexy macho man. A sexy macho 100% manly man. Oh yeah, 101% all man. Oh man. My man.
"Umm... Max?" I heard Iggy say. "Here's your uh...egg." Egg? What? What egg? But it couldn't have been an egg! The Maximum Ride doesn't poop eggs. I shifted my gaze to Iggy and he placed what seemed to be an oval shaped object into my hands. Sure enough, there lied the most beautiful thing in the world, right in my arms.
It was a giant dull mustard yellow egg. Pink and muddy brown polka dots dotted the mustard yellow background and black and poopie green plaid covered the dots. Bright blue and fiery red zigzags were drawn upon the plaid. An egg. I had laid an egg.
And it was it wonderful.
I could feel the love emanating from my broken body, all directed toward the supernaturally lovely soon-to-be-bird-child that lay in my arms. My baby . . . my bird-baby. I couldn't help but smile endearingly at the egg that lay in my pale fragile arms.
"Will she have to sit on it to keep it warm?" Angel asked Iggy, tugging on her bright blonde curls. A look of pure curiosity was shown on her face. She flashed me a worried glance.
"Why is it so damn big?" Nudge questioned, brushing her newly high-lighted hair out of her face. I guess for once, that's all she had to say. Of course she wouldn't want to interrupt the moment that the egg and I were sharing. Or, she too was shocked (almost) speechless by the mystical and fantastic thing that rested in her presence. How honored she must be feeling to be near my egg.
"Hello~o," I cooed at my egg, ignoring the freaky look Gazzy and Nudge gave me. "Ah, I do hope you are a boy, Egg. Actually, my mystical motherly instincts tell me that 'Of course your a boy'." Fang coughed and Iggy cleared his throat at the awkwardness. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Nudge roll her eyes and Gazzy make farting noises with his armpits. Geezum Pete's, teenagers nowadays...
"Max, do you even – "
"Shut up, Fang! I'm sharing a moment with Conner!" I yelled at Fang. Without even stopping to check Fang's reaction, I directed my attention back at Conner. "Sorry, baby," I crooned at the egg. I rubbed his fantastic and beautiful shell. I know my touch will soothe him. It was a mother thing. You wouldn't know unless you yourself were a mother who had just laid the most majestic egg the world has even seen. And I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who has ever done that. It was once again, another thing to put on Maximum Ride's List of Accomplishments.
"Conner?" Nudge said, her face was contorted into a look of repulsion.
"Yes, that's his name, Conner Eugene Ride," I replied sweetly, staring at the egg.
"What if it's a-"
"It's a BOY!" I yelled, suddenly infuriated. The egg was going to be named Conner and that was final! See, motherly instincts are very valuable. Not to mention most accurate out of all the instincts. At least to me.
"Just shut up Max and go back to sleep. No one cares," Nudge glared at my baby, Conner. Talk about Ice Bitch. I thought about leaving Conner alone... I would never! Not even for a second! I am the Maximum Ride, the mother of this fantastic egg, would never ever leave my baby's side.
"AHHHHHhhhh! Haiiiiiil NO!" I screamed. Do people just assume that I'm selfish and vain just because I'm the MAXIMUM RIDE! Pfft, as if. "I would rather die than have Conner taken from my sight!"
"Er, Max...could I at least look at my child too?" Fang asked politely. Oh, that's right! Fang must've been the daddy since he was the one who...uhhhh, never mind.
"Of course, you are Conner's daddy, Fangie. Say, could you watch over Conner for me? I need to take a nap!" I sang in a sing-songy tone. I batted my eyelashes in Fang's face. I'm sure I looked like a dark, beautiful seductress. He flushed a bright pink, and contorted his face in odd, but still sexy expressions, trying to drain his face of all color. You see, this is how I got Fang to make Conner with me. With that same sexy screwed up-looking face. He nodded as emotionlessly as he could. Nudge lifted her glare from Conner to my face. I opened my mouth slightly, wondering if there was something wrong with my face. I felt around my face, feeling a bit self conscious. What was Nudge staring at? "What? Do I have food on my face or something?"
"No... It just looks like some ugly mask...oh wait! That is just your face!" Nudge rolled her eyes. It must be her time of the month. She get's really pissy when her period is due. I hissed softly and held Conner closer to my warm, secure, motherly figure-type body.
"Max...?" Fang still wanted to hold Conner? I felt tears prick my brown eyes and shoved Conner in Fang's hands.
"TAKE HIM!" I cried in despair; squeezing my eyes close. Once I was sure that a long, silvery, iridescent tear rolled down my cheek, I opened one eye to peek at Fang's face. He looked worried and frightened. Do I really look thatscary? "Pweeeeeeease Fangieee~e!"
"Sure thing, Max."
"But WAIT! I have to kiss him goodbye!" I informed Fang. Every mother knew that Rule #1 in the 'How to Be an Awesome Mother like Maximum Ride' Book was: 'Always kiss your horrifically ugly egg goodnight.' But Of course, Conner wasn't ugly. Anything that comes from me CANNOT be ugly.
Fang shook some of his long dark locks out of his face and took Conner from my weakening arms. I tried my best to give everyone a smile, but I think it only came out as a grimace. I must look like a wimpy mother. But I'm not, I swear! But giving birth to an egg does tire a 2% bird-woman out ya know. I shut my eyes tightly and tried to think of a happy place.
Purple and pale blue bunnies were hopping down the huge grassy green meadow. There, at the edge of the meadow, was a creek. A bright orange and hot pink unicorn was daintily lapping up it's crystal clear water, while pooping out hundreds of lime green and neon yellow butterflies. A magical brightly colored rainbow shot across the sky, bringing joy to the world. At the end of the rainbow, a little green leprechaun was watching over the pot of gold. Pre-pooped butterflies were buzzing around the fuchsia wildflowers and bees zoomed about. There were sparkles everywhere and the sun was shining brightly.
That is what I wanted to think of. But of course, I had no such luck. I only saw darkness. A deep abyss of blackness. And it was chasing after me. I ran. I tried to open my wings to no avail. The consuming darkness grabbed my ankle. I tripped and fell. I felt my body go limp and I felt myself slipping from consciousness.
"MAAAX!"
o.O.o
"Do you think she can hear us now?"
"Probably not."
"Oh, well I hope she wakes up soon."
"I wonder what's bothering Max so much that she fainted. Twice."
"Hmmm, she did just give birth..."
"I'm so curious! I wonder what Conner will look like! Once it hatches of course."
I groggily opened my eyes, only to be greeted by a bright, shining, white light. I groaned and tried to shield my eyes from the almost blinding light with my arm.
"Oh! She's waking up now!" A soprano voice sang. Angel!
"That's swell," a voice muttered. My superpower semi-bird ears had detected a large amount of sarcasm. Nudge!
"My Maxie!" Only one person called me that; Fang!
"Finally! It's been what? Five days?" I heard someone say. An obnoxiously loud fart was heard not to long after. Gazzy!
"It's about time she wakes up." There was only one person left. So it had to be...wait, let me think for a minute...longer, I need space to think, I'm a blonde you know...ah ha!
Doctor Iggy!
I sat up, wiping away at the sleep that had accumulated by my eyes over the time I had been unconscious. The light was moved to the side, so I could see better than before. My mind was trying to catch up with everything that was going on. "S-So...did anything happen when I was unconscious?"
"We didn't do much. It was a bit hectic at first, since you normally bossed us around," began Angel. I felt a bit hurt that she called me bossy, but let her continue. "It was hard in the beginning, but I think we all kind of got used to it. Gazzy and I watched TV most of the time and got Nudge drunk off Red Bull. She didn't stop talking for three days. Straight. Not stopping at all. I thought Fang was going to go insane. 'Conner' was safely tucked away in the laundry room, under a warm pile of torn, wet dishrags and dirty, ripped towels. You know the ones we use when Total throws up everywhere, and when Gazzy has his accidents, and Fang coughs up his hairballs? Yeah, those towels. Well, we used them since we didn't have much else. Nudge and I gave the egg a warm mud treatment every hour. It was fun, you should be unconscious more often, Max."
"My, my, Angel, that sounded wonderful. Now let me see Conner. NOW!" I hissed angrily. "I. NEED. TO. SEE. MY. BABY." Angel looked shocked.
"Ah, okay Max. I'll go get 'Conner'," I heard her say faintly. She ran out of the basement and into the laundry room. I glanced around.
Fang was clasping my hand tightly to my right and looking down at my beautiful face lovingly, while Iggy was at my left, staring off into space. Nudge was eating a Caesar salad, she always stuffed herself with food when she was due for the month. My goodness, is she alwayson her period? I hope not that would suck, because she's go through like sooooooo many tampons. Gazzy had his nose stuck in his black Nintendo DSi. Loud booms and explosions were heard and I guess he must've been playing that bomb game we got him for his birthday. I quietly and ever so patiently waited from Angel to come back, practicing being a good, no FANTASTIC mother for my going-to-be-hatched mutant-child.
"Aiiiiiiieeeeeeee~~~!" Angel screamed, racing down the stairs and into the now going to be referred to as the Birthing Room. "It's moving! Moving I tell you! MOVING!"
I shot up and used my awesome speed to snatch Conner from Angel's pale hands. Conner was indeed moving. More like hatching though.
I held Conner up close to my body beckoning to come out into the world so that he can meet his wonderful mommy, while the rest of the Flock surrounded me, looking on with odd expressions. We watched intently as the beautiful shell began to crack.
The room radiated in awe of this amazing event taking place before their very fortunate eyes, the hatching of my child.
Slowly but surely, I saw a dark object-figure-blob-lump-like thing inside.
Conner . . .
o.O.o
Victoria: And we are done! Cliffy! Dun dun DUUUUN~! ^_^
Juliette: Yep another chapter finished. :)
Victoria: Ah, I'm so happy! We are finally done the second chapter. I mean, this chappie was too long, or too short. I think we did a pretty good job. Don't you agree Julie?
Juliette: Uh-huh. Now, can you guys please fuel us with reviews? It would be so nice!
Victoria: Yeah and we really do love our readers. AGAIN, NO FLAMING...or at least try to resist flaming. We would be sad if you flamed us. TT_TT
Juliette: So, please review! C'mon, hit that button. You know you want to! And again, review if you fave or anything! Thanks much!
Victoria: And we would like some ideas please! I mean, we have a thin plot line, but it needs some help. So if you want to, PM us or review. I don't really care as long as you tell us your ideas. It would help so much!
Juliette: It really would. Now, we both have to go... :'( Homework.
Victoria: Yes, *tear tear* :'( We'll try to update ASAP. Thanks for reading! BYE NOW!
Juliette: We mean it. Good bye.
Victoria: Ciao, lovely readers!
Juliette: All right, that's it; get your lovely reviewing asses off of our page.
Victoria: Sheesh, kids these days . . .