CHAPTER 2 - Egbert, the nooksniffing expletive expletive.
Kanaya was sitting in the living room of the hive-or 'house' as John consistently called it- that she shared with the human and three other trolls. On the short table in front of her was a stack of folders, all pertaining to her place of business for the past sweep or so. She was currently addressing the figures and taxes for the upcoming inventory-it never hurt to be prepared!
Kanaya was proud of her entrepreneurial endeavor; A unisex fashion store for both trolls and humans. While trolls did not particularly indulge in the world of fashion, humans seemed to be borderline obsessed with the concept. They had 'seasonal colors', trends, and even shows and events that revolved around fashion. Kanaya found it fascinating to say the least, and when she had opened her business, she had not expected the troll population to take much interest, but still they came. She smiled as she punched some more numbers into the calculator Rose had given her. A rather primitive mathematical device, but a helpful one to be sure.
She sat in the quiet room, listening to the sound of Feferi humming as she cleaned the kitchen counter. The main floor's living room-a strange name, as Kanaya failed to see any living objects in it besides herself-was set on an open-floor-plan adjoining the nutrition….area. Blocks were a thing of the past, as were most hives. These human 'houses' were similar in concept, but instead of having each area of the space divided into individual blocks, they seamlessly integrated each area into each other, using hallways and a series of doors to section off each space. Kanaya smiled again, still fussing with the calculator in her hands and taking notes. She preferred to live in one of these 'houses'. Her store had come with an apartment above it-a rather small version of the place in which she now sat. However she had deemed it too small for her taste, and opted instead to rent the apartment to Rose and Jade, who gladly accepted the offer, as they both worked for the store itself and it made life just a tad bit easier to live above one's place of income.
Kanaya put down the calculator and picked up a folder, leafing through it. She could hear John upstairs, using that rather loud dust-eating contraption-a 'vaccum', he called it. Another primitive, yet helpful device from what she had gathered.
"Kan, it may be in your betht interetht to move your work to your room."
Kanaya looked up at Sollux, who had entered the nutrition area that had no wall between it and the room she was in, only a waist-high long 'bar' type table and stools separating the two. He went to the refrigeration unit and pulled out a soda, cracking it open with a single hand.
"Oh hello, Sollux." Kanaya studied his smile curiously. "I am actually almost done here…are others coming to visit?" It was the only logical reason that Sollux would need the large area, she thought.
"Well, the human health thenter may have to be summoned, and paramedicth may be thwarming the plathe, tho if that'th what you mean, then yeah." Sollux chuckled as he turned back towards the stairs he had come down from, disappearing upstairs. Feferi had ceased her humming, and she looked at Kanaya with a quizzical look on her face.
"What in the world was that about?" She wondered aloud, going back to her previous chore.
"Sollux!" Kanaya called after him, utterly confused. "What would the human health care units need to come here fo-"
As she spoke, she failed to hear the sound of feet thundering up the front walk, until the sharp sound of the door being swung open and shuddering as it rebounded off of the wall cut her off.
Karkat booked it the rest of the few blocks to Ninth street, took a left onto it, and tore down the sidewalk.
Karkat finally reached his house, 6 Ninth Street, face twisted into a scowl as he stormed up the walk and all but kicked the door in. He stood in the doorway, holding out a hand to calm the door that was still shuddering back towards him after its brief acquaintance with the wall. His eyes darted between Feferi and Kanaya, who were both looking at him like he had sprouted extra appendages. Neither of them reacted beyond this, so Karkat took the initiative.
"Where is he."
Kanaya clearly saw that whatever situation this was, it needed tact if Karkat was angry enough to drop his usual harsh manner of speaking. She stood, brushing off her skirt and giving Karkat a small, but genuine smile.
"Hello, Karkat. How was work today?" she queried.
Karkat glared daggers at her. "FUCKING PEACHY. NOW WHERE IS HE."
Well that had not worked. Not at all.
"I am sorry, Karkat, but I don't know who-"
"EGBERT. THE NOOKSNIFFING FUCKING HUMAN. WHERE IS HE"
Kanaya raised both her eyebrows at him. "I believe he is upstairs with the vaccu-"
She had barely finished her sentence before Karkat was halfway up the stairs. He took the stairs three at a time, nearly tripping over himself in the effort to move faster. He reached the second floor landing, and charged down the hallway towards his open door. He rushed in, eyes wild, staring at the human who had apparently had enough of the cleaning and was now sitting on Karkat's floor, flipping through some books and making faces at the text he was reading in them.
Karkat felt like he was going to have a stroke. He lunged forward at the boy, ripping the book out of his hands. John looked up at him, wide eyed and mouth agape.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, EGBERT? I SPECIFICALLY SAID TO STAY OUT OF MY GOGDAMNED ROOM, AND YET HERE YOUR ASS SITS."
John blinked, then grinned at him, seemingly unfazed by the angry troll hovering over him.
"Hi Karkat! Well, um. I got to cleaning and figured you wouldn't mind if I vacuumed your floor a little?" John gave a wincing smile, unsure if that was the correct answer.
It never was.
"DO NOT ENTER MY FUCKING ROOM," Karkat barked, inches from John's face, "MEANS-GET THIS, IT'S A GOGDAMNED DOOZY-STAY. OUT. OF. MY. FUCKING. ROOM."
He punctuated each word with a jab to the human's forehead with his finger. "AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY ROMANCE NOVELS."
The 18-year old human blushed visibly. "Oh…Karkat, I'm sorry but…I didn't know you liked this stuff, its kinda…its REALLY gross." He was fighting to keep the laughter inside as he looked at the confusion on Karkat's face. "Like…only girls read these things. They're really um. Graphic."
No reaction.
"It's basically porn in a book, Karkat."
Karkat glowered down at John as the boy picked up one of the books and tapped the cover, which had a painting of an obviously dominant male human-what with all those muscles-and a scantily clad human woman clutching his leg as he stared off into the distance. John was on the verge of a complete and total fit of hysterics as he watched Karkat's expressions morph around, his face laced with confusion and irritation.
"John," he said, no longer shouting but still visibly ticked off, "I don't know what the fuck 'porn' is, nor do I care to know." He snatched up the books and deposited them next to his desk.
"And for your fucking information," the troll grabbed the book John was still holding and gestured to it as if it were the Holy Grail, closing his eyes and turning his nose up in an outrageous display of seriousness, "these are wonderfully written tales of true fucking love, desperation, and drama. Females of your species must be of higher gogdamned intellect if they choose to read these fucking things as you say they do."
Karkat placed the book lovingly on his desk, then turned back to John. The boy was still sitting on his floor, but now his face was red, and a soft "fff" noise was escaping from his mouth as he tried in vain to suppress the inevitable.
Karkat narrowed his eyes at him.
"What."
And that was all it took. John was absolutely beside himself, flailing around on Karkat's floor like he was having a seizure.
"HAHAHAAAAAAA HAAAAAA, KARKAT ARE YOU SERIOUS? HEEE HEE HEEE," John clutched his sides out of pain from the force of his laughter. Karkat growled.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, Egbert? And yes, I'm fucking serious, you probably don't grasp the deep conflict in these gogdamned books. I may not understand most of the more…intimate parts but the fact fucking remains that these books are highly intellectually stimulating."
John nearly gasped for air at the words 'deep conflict' being associated with the smutty novels. Not to mention the word 'stimulating'. He did his best to stand up, wheezing as he tried to compose himself, and grabbed the handle of the door as he made his way out.
"HAHA HAAAAAAAAAAAA OH GOD KARKAT YOU'RE KILLING ME."
John exited, dragging his vaccum behind him.
"I WISH I FUCKING WAS, BELIEVE ME," Karkat yelled after him, frowning as the sounds of John's hysterics faded as he made his way back downstairs.
Karkat slumped into his desk chair and rubbed his forehead with his palm, trying to fend off the headache he felt coming on. Fucking Egbert. The human got more aggravating with every passing day, it seemed. The troll sighed and looked at his wall calendar. Another gift bestowed upon him by the Lord of the Daft that had just previously left his room. He studied the little boxes until his eyes rested on the date of that particular day. Friday. Thank fuck for that. Karkat loved weekends. He could do whatever the hell he pleased. Usually this meant he would stay in, read, and just generally relax, but he found himself getting fed up with such a boring routine. Why not shake things up and get out of his house this weekend? Yeah, sounded like a fucking plan.
His thoughts were interrupted by a knock by his (still open) door.
"Hey KK, Fef wanth to know what you want for breakfatht." Sollux leaned on the doorframe. "Or..dinner or whatever you want to conthider it thinth you get up tho damn early."
Karkat rubbed his eyes and slumped into his chair a bit, lolling his head to the side to look over at his friend. "Well…I don't fucking know. I wouldn't mind some of those fucking amazing egg-bread things Egbert's always shoveling down his damn protein chute."
Sollux furrowed his brow, obviously trying to locate the proper name for the food the Cancer was describing. "French toatht?"
Karkat's eyes lit up. Sollux almost expected the small troll to smile for a second, there. Almost.
"Yeah! Those things! They're fucking good, Sol."
Sollux nodded and started down the hallway to relay Karkat's order to Feferi. Karkat sighed and stretched, glad to finally be home. He set himself about changing into some more comfortable clothes and starting up his husktop, playing with a pencil absentmindedly as he waited for the system to boot up. He could smell the 'french toast' being cooked downstairs, and his stomach groaned and gurgled in response. God he was fucking starving. As he started to log into Pesterchum, he heard his cell phone go off again, this time a short chirp alerting him of a text message. He scooted his chair across the room to his jacket and pulled out the device, flipping it open and opening the message.
- hEy bEsT mOtHeRfUcKiNg fRiEnD. :o) I hOpE yOu hAvEn'T aLl uP aNd fOrgOtTeN iT's tAvBrO's mOtHeRfUcKiNg wRiGgLiNg dAy -
Karkat rolled his eyes as his thumbs flew across the miniature keyboard.
- NO, GAMZEE, I HAVEN'T FUCKING FORGOTTEN. NOT THAT YOU WOULD LET ME, YOU'VE BEEN REMINDING ME EVERY GOGDAMN DAY THIS WEEK. -
Not a few short seconds later, the phone chirped again. Karkat raised an eyebrow at the phone as he opened the next message. It never ceased to utterly astound him how Gamzee could possibly respond to anything within a time frame short of 5 minutes with his arduous and highly annoying typing quirk.
- tHaT's tHe mOtHeRfUcKiNg tRuTh, bRo. cAn'T hAvE mY bEsT fRiEnD mIsSiNg oUt oN sOmE mIrAcUlOuS fEsTiViTiEs. hOnK. -
- WAIT YOU'RE HAVING A PARTY? FOR TAVROS? YOU DIDN'T FUCKING TELL ME THAT PART OF IT, YOU DENSE FUCK. -
- aWw SoRrY kArBrO. diDn'T aLl mEaN tO uP aNd lEaVe tHe mIrAcLeS oUt oF tHe mOtHeRfUcKiNg cOnVeRsAtIoN, mAn. :o( -
- ITS FINE, ITS FINE. WHEN IS THIS THING SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN SO I CAN SUFFICIENTLY PREPARE MYSELF FOR THESE SO-CALLED MIRACLES. -
- nOw yOu'Re uP aNd tAlKiNg, bRo! pArTy sTaRtS aT 6, oUr hIvE. GOtTa wOrK, tHo. ThInK a bEsT fUcKiNg fRiEnD cOuLd aLl cOmE aNd kEeP a mOtHeRfUcKeR sOmE cOmPaNy oN tHe wAlK bAcK? I gEt oUt aT 4. -
- I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MANAGED TO KEEP THE JOB. FUCKING CONGRATULATIONS GAMZEE, YOU'RE NOT AS ROYALLY FUCKED AS I THOUGHT YOU WERE. AND YEAH, I'LL COME BY THE SHOP AROUND 4. SEE YOU THEN, ASSHOLE. DON'T PULL ANOTHER DUMBASS FUCKING STUNT LIKE LAST WEEK. -
Karkat paused after sending the message. He opened a new message, addressed it to Gamzee, and as he walked down the stairs to shouts of "KK! YOUR FOOD'TH READY ATHHOLE", he hammered out another text, pressed send, and pocketed the phone.
Eleven blocks down, a phone buzzed, and slid open.
- AND YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP CALLING ME YOUR BEST FRIEND. I KNOW I AM. WE'VE BEEN MOIRAILS FOR FUCKING SWEEPS NOW, GAMZEE. JUST GIVE IT A DAMN REST, OKAY?-
A painted smile grew slightly wider at the use of the pale quadrant symbol the sender had added to the end of the text. A common gesture among moirails, but coming from a troll as emotionally reserved as Karkat, it was something extra special.
A motherfucking miracle, if you will.