"He left?" Beth yelled angrily into her phone, her other wrist deep in horse innards. "My dad running away doesn't exactly count as an emergency, Jerry," She squeezed down on the pulmonary artery of her patient, whose tail twitched unconsciously. "But for the record it's probably your fault!"
A machine went off, beeping loudly.
"It'd be nice to see him for more than ten goddamn minutes every once in a while... I know what the beep means!" she said into the phone before slamming the end call button and putting it down on the bloody table.
Jerry winced at the loudness in his wife's voice. He slipped his phone into his pocket and bounced Morty up and down again to avoid a potential crying fit.
"Maybe if you were nicer to grampa Rick he'd stick around every once in a while," Summer said with a grimace, stamping off to her room.
Jerry sighed. "Why do I get punished for this?" he says, looking to his son.
Morty responded with a quick "Grampa!"
"Yeah I know, you like him," Jerry grumbled. "Everyone likes him..." He carried Morty into the kitchen, placed him in his high chair and peeked into the freezer for something he could heat up. It was barren.
Jerry let out another sigh.
There was aloud whooshing and zapping noise and a blue light flooded the kitchen for a split second.
"Oh what now," Jerry complained.
The back door opened and Rick reappeared.
"Oh thank god," Jerry breathed. "Beth is really pissed, so if you could just wait til' she gets home before you disappear for another ten years..."
"Save it for the inevitable marriage counselor, Jerry," Rick said, waltzing in through the door. "Am I still here?" he added, looking around nervously.
"Uh..." Jerry said, mouth agape.
Rick lifted his wrist to his face and peered into one of his three watches. "I think I just missed him."
"I'm confused..." Jerry said with a chin rub.
"Yeah what else is new," Rick said, turning his attention to the baby.
"You know what?" Jerry began, angrily wagging his finger at Rick.
"Feh," Rick said, dismissing Jerry and walking to the back door. He reached out into the darkness. "I already told you, you don't need to hide..."
"Who are you talking to?" Jerry asked.
"Uh, no one," a frail voice responded from outside.
Rick yanked an arm through the door and its body followed.
"Jesus Rick," Jerry sighed indignantly. "Whose kid is that?!"
"Oh, uh, I'm Z-z... Zim Zam, Rick's uh new assistant! Zimma Zamma," he responded, poorly concealing the truth while inventing a terrible catchphrase.
"You don't have to lie, Morty," Rick said.
"Ah, Rick," Morty replied, stamping his foot on the ground. "Wh-what if I get erased, you know? I don't wanna disappear or nothin'!"
"I told you, time travel doesn't w-eugh-work that way" Rick said, reaching into his coat. "You're not gonna erase yourself. I could, throw this little guy into the g-GAR-bage and you'd be fine." He pulled out a flask and took a sip. "You gotta stop watching movies. I mean period, you watch terrible movies."
Jerry tilted his head. "Did... did you just call that kid Morty?"
"Yes Jerry, this is your son from the future," Rick said whimsically, screwing the cap back on his flask and stuffing it back in his coat pocket. "And he was just bitching at me because apparently I was 'never there' when he was growing up." He used finger quotes.
"Grampa," baby Morty beamed, once again reaching out to Rick.
"First word," Rick said. He crossed his arms and pointed a satisfied grin in Morty's direction.
"Yeah well," Morty said, looking around nervously. "I don't like this, you win, can we just go home now?"
"Oh come on, might as well hang out for a bit," Rick said. He picked up the infant. "I mean... don't you want to at least hold yourself? Who else gets to hold their own baby self?"
Morty made a weird squealing noise. "No no, I'm okay," he said, slowly backing away.
"Aw c'mon," Rick said with a grin, bringing the baby closer to Morty.
"Ah, I think I'm gonna go sit down, okay?" Morty replied, sneaking away into the living room.
"Hm," Rick said. "In retrospect that was probably not the smartest thing to ask, huh Jerry?"
Jerry made a similar noise and ran out into living room.
"Good god, you too?" Rick asked, calmly following.
Upon seeing Morty, Jerry screamed again and scrambled up the stairs.
Morty hyperventilated on the couch, clutching a pillow.
"Morty, relax," Rick said, bringing the baby in from the kitchen.
Morty gasped again as Rick sat down in an adjacent chair.
"Morty!" Rick barked. "It's just a baby."
"It's me as a baby, Rick!" Morty said in a panicked voice. "I, I, I know you don't care about anything that's decent in the world but to me this feels so weird," he said, clutching the sides of his head. "Plus when you said 'I'll prove it to you' I didn't think that meant we were going back in time! I'm not ready for time travel, Rick!"
"Morty, would you calm down? There are worse things in the world than meeting yourself as a baby," Rick said, rocking baby Morty. "Here," he said.
Morty started twitching a bit as Rick handed him his baby self.
"Trust me," he added, letting the baby slip into Morty's arms.
Morty's breathing slowly relaxed as he looked at his infant self smiling.
"Huh, I... guess this is actually kind of cool," Morty said, letting the side of his lip curl up a bit.
"See? Nothing to be afraid of," Rick said. His tone was relaxed but a little triumphant. "And you don't have to worry about him shitting his pants either, Morty," Rick added, folding his arms behind his head. "If I remember correctly, I just changed his diaper." He shut his eyes. "Yup. Changed his diaper, argued with Jerry and then walked out the front door." His eyes popped back open moments later. "Which means..." his eyes scanned the room and found his flask sitting on the coffee table.
Through the window, Rick saw a green aura and heard a wet zapping sound.
"Alright don't get your hopes up, Jerry," a voice said from outside. The door opened. "I just... forgot... something..."
A slightly younger Rick stood in the doorway.
The two Rick's peered at each other as Morty watched in stunned silence.
Rick's face contorted into a slight worry and he cautiously handed Morty a tissue from the side table. "You got a little…" he added, pointing to his nose.
Morty wiped his nose and looked at the tissue. "Blood?" he shrieked.
"It's just a side effect of p-Eugh-paradoxes on your mind," the younger Rick said, walking through the front door and scanning older Rick with an obvious suspicion. "It's purely mental… seeing as this idiot probably f-Ergh-ot to explain to you that nothing you do here can effect your present."
"Rick, uhh I, I don't like this," Morty moaned, mopping up more of the nose-blood with another clean tissue.
"Morty, there are nearly infinite parallel universes existing at the same time with very slight variations," older Rick chimed in, "...which is why we never travel backwards in our own. That way, our timeline stays linear and we can't possibly fuck up our present."
"And of course, you'd never want to fuck up your own present," younger Rick continued, reaching into his coat, "but you have no problem fucking with my future." He pointed his phaser at older Rick, tilted ninety degrees to the left. "You're here to kill me, aren't you?"
"What? No!" Older Rick said, standing up indignantly.
"Last time I saw you two, you tried to kill me," younger Rick barked, intensifying his grip on the gun. "Said you were trying to… eliminate all the other copies, or something."
"That was clearly a different Rick and Morty," older Rick said.
"Obviously! That Morty wasn't a sniveling coward like this one," younger Rick said.
"Hey, screw you, man," Morty shouted, his voice altered by the napkin blocking his nostrils. "This is my first time doing this."
"I'm just being… careful," younger Rick continued.
"God damnit, just scan us you moron," Older Rick said. "You know me."
Younger Rick slowly pressed a button on the side of his phaser. It made a chiming noise and the screen lit up with a seven digit number. "Oh. Oooooh," younger Rick said, widening his eyes.
Older Rick raised one eyebrow. "Yeah… That one."
"Oh don't be gross," young Rick said, giving some slack to the gun he held in his limp wrist.
"You didn't think it was gross before," older Rick barked, stretching his neck out and straightening his arms behind him.
"Our grandson is right there you perv," younger Rick said, motioning to Morty. "Plus, you're all… old and gross now…"
"You're one to talk," older Rick growled.
"What are you… guys talking about?" Morty asked shyly.
"Honestly you don't wanna know," young Rick said, putting his gun away and slouching.
Morty's face grew horrified.
There was a torrential silence.
"Well," older Rick said, "...let's see you meet yourself in an alternate reality and NOT end up having sex with him! You probably have se-IGHerious self esteem issues if you don't. It's no different than what you do with your hand every night, Morty."
"It's a little different," younger Rick said.
"You don't get to play devil's advocate, ME," older Rick said with an accusatory finger.
"I'm not the one who-who-who... traveled to a different reality to seduce his drunken self right after he got divorced!" younger Rick replied, even angrier than his future self.
There was another, even quieter stillness as Morty stared straight ahead with dilated pupils. He lightly placed the baby to his right. "That's the most disgusting, vile thing I've ever heard!" he shouted, looking up and clutching his temples. "I, I, I mean you just… traveled to some other dimension and had… with yourself? You're… you're despicable! You're… no good, you're rotten, I don't even want to look at you!"
"You don't have to be redundant, Morty," older Rick said. "We get it, you're totally shocked. As usual."
"Yeah, and honestly," younger Rick continued, "I think you're over reacting a little bit. I mean… I'm just upset because we got a little emotionally involved, you know? We had some good times, andandand they really meant something to me." He paused, and a bit of sorrow trickled into his face. "I was vulnerable... and you just disappeared."
"Yeah well... I guess that was kind of a crappy thing to do," older Rick said. His tone was soft. "I'm sorry I left so suddenly."
"To be fair, I probably would have done the same," younger Rick grumbled, sitting down. "And hell, I probably wouldn't have been so driven to invent inter-dimensional travel if I didn't want to find you and break your nose."
"Are you serious?" Morty yelled. "You seriously expect me to sit here and act like this isn't the stupidest, most messed up conversation of all time?"
"You're just being… judgmental," older Rick said.
"That's really insensitive of you, Mo-OR-ty," younger Rick continued. "I mean we're having this emotional moment over here, and all you can do is be a judgerson."
Morty threw up his arms and walked away. "I'm gonna wait in the damn time machine. You win the stupid bet." He shivered, burdened with yet another unsettling truth about the universe.
Jerry appeared in the stairwell, eyes closed and chest out. "Alright, I get it, you're a real prankster," he said. "Now, kindly take whosever kid that is home and…" he opened his eyes and saw the two Ricks before him. His nose began to bleed and he turned back around, eyes dead and forehead wrinkled.
"What's with you and this kid, anyways?" younger Rick said, looking at the baby. "I mean… I'd say in the five-or-so occasions that I've bumped into you, about half of them you're with him."
"Really?" older Morty said. "Five?"
"Yeah I mean, a few years ago you showed up and had a nearly identical conversation with me," younger Rick continued. "You both looked older… he looked happier."
"Ah well I mean, I dunno," older Rick said, looking down. "He's… resourceful. Good to have around."
"Oh yeah?" younger Rick asked.
"Yup. He's a trooper. He's... easily shaken, but I mean, you know, he usually pulls it together," older Rick said with a half-grin. "You should, uh, get to know him some."
"Hm," younger Rick grunted, looking at the baby.
"Uhhhh I should go…" older Rick said. "He gets kind of crazy." He pointed over his shoulder with his thumb.
"Alright, well… always good talking to you," younger Rick said.
"Same," older Rick said. He tapped his foot a few times and cleared his throat. "One more thing," he asked. "You said you invented inter-dimensional travel so you could break my nose..."
"Yeah?" younger Rick said.
"Why didn't you?"
"Oh," the younger Rick laughed. "I totally did." He crossed his arms. "And you'll never see it coming."
"Oh c'mon, that's just cruel," older Rick complained.
"Hey, you get what you get, creep," younger Rick chuckled.
They shared a laugh, and then a lingering tension, as though one of them was meant to do something. They stood there, staring with the same confused longing hidden deep within their eyes.
Older Rick cleared his throat again. "I'll see you around," he said. He shook his own hand, turned around and calmly disappeared out the back.
Rick was left alone in the living room, save for the baby. He lifted him into his lap and turned on the TV, kicking his feet up on the coffee table. He heard little footsteps coming down the stairs behind him.
Summer appeared by the armrest of the couch and took off her headphones.
"You came back," she said, hopping up onto the seat next to him.
Rick grunted, and the baby grabbed a tuft of his hair.
He sat there, wondering if, of the five or so times he'd been visited, this would be the last. In truth, he never did cross over into the other Rick's reality. He'd been petrified at the thought of erasing what they'd shared; that it would be snatched from the wrinkles of time by his own undoing.
Sup dawg
I hope you're enjoying this fic.
Here are some of the chunes that helped me write this
Sampha - Indecision
David Lynch and Lykke Li - I'm Waiting Here