A/N: I am so sorry for not updating!! I blame a lack of inspiration, a busy lifestyle, two other fics that I'm working on, and... umm... Oh, yes. The fact that the first chapter of this was an extremely spur-of-the-moment kind of thing.

Okay, I 'm not sure how happy I am with this chapter, but I hope you like it anyway.

I was terrified. Kami-sama… What else could go wrong? I had been kicked out of my house, Riza was going to kill me, I was living in a dump, and now I was about to be killed by a shrimp! (Or so I thought.) I said the only thing I could think of.

"What, did you like it?"

How stupid could I get?

Ed's face must have turned every shade of red ever invented, and then some. "Bastard!" he screamed, transmuting his automail into a sword.

Then, my mouth moving of its own accord, I somehow landed in even deeper shit. "I notice that you didn't answer the question, Fullmetal."

If I had thought he was mad before, I was wrong. Practically frothing at the mouth, he tried to kill me with that horrendous blade on his automail. I ran around the room, trying to escape. On my flight to freedom, I broke a lamp, tripped on eight different piles of dirty laundry, and knocked over nearly twenty piles of books. Finally, I had the sense to run out the door and hold it shut.

"Talk about near misses," I said to nobody in particular. Then I noticed a distinct breeze. I looked down at myself and saw that all my clothes had fallen off, slashed to pieces.

At that point I tried to open the door, only to realize that Ed had locked me out.

"Edward Elric, open this door! I am your commanding officer, and I order you to open this door!"

"Make me," said a smug voice from inside.

I was desperate. There were voices around a corner in the hallway. So I resorted to pleading, the same way I usually do with Riza. "Please, Ed! Spare me! I'll do anything!"

A blonde head appeared in the doorway. "Anything?"

The voices were getting closer. "Yes, anything! Just let me in!"

"After your humiliation, perhaps." The door closed.

A group of little old women rounded the corner. Two of them ran away screaming, while the other nine or so stood and stared. I could almost feel their eyes roaming up and down my body. One stepped forward.

"Hey, honey."

This was not happening. I was not being hit on by and old woman. Okay, fine, I was.

"Look, I'm just trying to get my boyfriend to let me back into the apartment. Unless you can help with that, could you spare my dignity and move along?"

Ed opened the door. "I am not your boyfriend! Bastard!"

The little old lady stared. "I know you! You're the Fullmetal Alchemist!" She turned to me. "That must mean that you're the Flame Alchemist! I've heard about you two! I'm sorry about your relationship troubles… On the other hand, those troubles make every eligible woman happy again, so carry on!"

She walked away with her friends.

"Bastard, tell me that she didn't say relationship troubles."

"I wish I could." Riza was punishing me more, I was sure of it. Who else would spread such awful rumors? At the time, I didn't think of Havoc or anybody else… I knew it was Riza. I was right, of course, but that doesn't mean that none of my other subordinates would be capable of this- they've done almost as bad on occasion.

We stood there for a minute. "Umm… Ed? Are you going to let me in sometime today? I think I've been humiliated enough."

He snapped his head up; it seemed that he had been lost in thought. Honestly, though, when isn't he?

"Sure, bastard, come on in."

I stepped over the pile of my ruined pajamas, which had been hanging around my ankles, and entered. "You know what, Fullmetal?"

"No." And he sounded so interested. Not.

"Hughes gave me those pajamas."

His face went somber, then brightened. "Figures. Hey, want something to forget the rumors?"

I have to admit, I was curious. He pulled out a bottle of brandy from under a counter somewhere. I was rather surprised.

"You drink? But you're just a kid!"

Oops. That came out wrong.

He scowled at me. "I'm seventeen, bastard! Besides, I'm in the military, and they have some great military-only bars around here."

Finally something I understood! "Yeah, they do. They also have some great gay bars."

I didn't mean to say that, I really didn't. But Ed had been drinking rather heavily from the bottle for a minute, so I don't think he really knew what he said next.

"Are you kidding! The gay bars here are the best in all of Amestris!"

Talk about a shocker. I never would have thought that my subordinate was gay. "You, too?"

"Yeah. Winry smacking me over the head with a wrench every time I went to see her put me off girls a bit."

That was certainly understandable. I had seen the bruises every time he came back from having his automail repaired.

"Hey, can I have some of that brandy, or are you going to drink all of it?"

Thankfully, he chose to give me some. Burned paperwork, a bit of brandy… Both necessary for our relationship to have begun. Kind of pitiful, isn't it?

A few hours (and bottles) later, we were both hopelessly drunk. We both sat on the bed, giggling like schoolgirls and playing strip poker. Of course, I had to get dressed before we could play, so I had tried on some of Ed's clothes. I could barely squeeze into them, but it was manageable. Though I would never go out in public dressed like that.

Anyway, Ed lost the game. Somehow we both fell off the bed, on the same side, and I landed on top of him. His body felt good under mine… Until some half-buried shred of modesty rose from beneath the haze of alcohol, and we both scurried away.

Pity… He sure was cute.

We went to bed early that night, still drunk.

The next morning, I woke with my arm curled around Ed again. This time, when he woke (Finally! He could sleep through a hurricane!), he didn't protest. He simply pulled my arm off and started on breakfast.

I had thought that Ed wouldn't be able to cook. Everything we had eaten that far had been takeout. I was wrong.

He cooked a wonderful omelet, I decided.

We were called in to work that day. (Havoc, on the phone, had said something about mountains of paperwork and a very annoyed gun-toting Lieutenant.)

When we arrived, we were stared at like we were rabid. Even little Fuery decided that we needed to be stared at.

Until I roasted a few people, that is.

"Do you hear the whispers?" asked Ed.

I listened for a moment. "Yeah, but I can't figure out what they're saying."

"They're saying that our 'relationship problems' seem to have been resolved, bastard. They're saying that we're a couple."

Joy. Wasn't that just what I needed?

Later, Ed and I were in my office, signing paperwork. Havoc walked in and leaned his head down to where Ed was working.

"So," he said. "How was he?"

Ed looked up, shocked, his head hitting Havoc in the chin. Havoc fell over, which spared him from death by fire. Barely. I only missed by an inch or so.

"What do you mean, how was he?" screamed Ed.

Of course, the entire office had to stop working and watch this.

"I mean, how was he in bed? Of course," said Havoc, sitting up.

And Ed thought I was annoying?

The next thing I knew, Havoc was on the ground again, unconscious, with Ed's automail footprint on his head.

"So, Fullmetal," I said in a flat voice. "I think he has a concussion. Perhaps we need to take him to the infirmary."

"I can take care of it myself, bastard. Don't you have some paperwork to finish?" He propped his hands on his hips.

"What, and you don't?" Now that I think about it, Ed seems to bring out the five-year-old in me.

"Just finished." He waved at me, then dragged Havoc off by his feet.

I looked at his paperwork. Every single piece had been finished. Apparently, he had been working rather quickly. I still had half of my pile left! Maybe that was because I had been staring at Ed instead of working… No, that couldn't be it! (Although I was staring…)

Finally, we got off work, ignoring the continued whispers behind us. When we got back to the apartment, though, the phone started ringing.

I answered it.

"Is this Mr. Mustang?" asked a crying girl.

"Yes, Miss…?"

"Aubrey Fritz, sir. Is it true that you have gotten back together with that Fullmetal kid? Please, forget him! Come to me-" I slammed down the phone.

It immediately started ringing again. Fool that I was, I answered it.

"Mustang?"

"Yes, Miss…?"

"You asshole! How could you take my Eddie-kun away from me? Die-"

I slammed down the phone again. And, of course, it started ringing again.

If it's another call like that, this phone is dead!

I answered it.

"Hello, Mr. Mustang. This is the Common People Should Know that Being Gay is a Sin group, or CPSKBGS for short, and-"

I screamed.

A moment later, the phone was nothing more than a melted lump of goo.

A/N: A little random, I know, but I hope you still liked it. Please review and let me know how it was. Feel free to give constructive criticism.