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I do not own Twilight

Down in a Hole

Bury me softly in this womb
I give this part of me for you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb...in bloom

from Down in a Hole, by Alice in Chains

After everyone said their teary goodbyes and hugged and promised to call, I helped Renee clear the dishes and wrap up the leftovers.

"Take them with you, mom," I said, pushing the containers across the table. "Take them back to the hotel. Give them to Phil."

"Honey," she protested.

I held up my hand. "Why would I want more reminders of today every time I open the fridge? Please. Take them."

She consented and packed the containers wrapped in foil into a paper shopping bag. She left reluctantly, asking over and over if I wanted her to stay, if I wanted to stay with them at their hotel, if I wanted to stay at the Clearwater's with my father. I insisted I was fine. I wanted to stay in my own home.

I stood on the porch and silently waved to her and Phil as they pulled out of the driveway. Once the dust cloud settled, I went back into the house and closed the door behind me.

And there was no sound.

My black shoes dangled from my fingers as my bare feet shuffled down the front hall. The walls and rooms had suddenly grown foreign to me. My stomach clenched and panicked as I tried to find something familiar, something I recognized.

Maybe I didn't belong here anymore after all.

I found myself in the living room with no recollection of how I got there. Plopping down on the couch I stared at the wall in front of me. It was covered in photos hanging haphazardly in frames of all shapes and sizes. Endless family get-togethers, Christmas in front of the tree. Renee and Phil at the Grand Canyon. Me and Charlie in front of the Ceasar's Palace in Las Vegas.

And then there were the wedding photos. Jake holding me in his arms as I gripped onto him for support with my tiny bouquet of daisies. He wore jeans and a button down. I wore a flowy skirt and tank top.

We looked happy and I tried to remember back to that day - it wasn't all that long ago, a little over a year - in the hopes that I could get back the carefree feeling it looked like I had. I tried to put myself back in the picture, to relive the moment. I contorted my face into the face I was making in the picture but I couldn't recreate the smile. Anyone looking through the window at that exact moment would think I had officially gone insane. Why is Bella sitting alone on the couch making weird faces? She's lost it.

I had lost it. Whatever it was.

Curling into a tight ball, I cried silent tears into the cushions. Tomorrow was Monday. I'd been granted as much bereavement leave from my job as I felt necessary. Per the company's corporate policy, the loss of a grandparent, cousin, aunt, or uncle allowed you two paid bereavement days; the loss of a parent, sibling, or spouse allowed you three. The loss of your husband and father-in-law to a head on collision with a tractor trailer allowed you as much time as you needed.

Afternoon turned to night and on the couch I remained. I cried myself to sleep and awake a dozen times but nothing changed when I rubbed open my eyes. The tears hadn't brought him back and I couldn't recreate in my dreams the feeling I supposedly had in any of the photos that looked down at me.

I reached for the remote on the coffee table and turned on the television. 'An Affair to Remember' was on cable and I turned up the volume.

Terry McKay: I'm getting married and I want you to be the first to congratulate me.

NYC cab driver: Marriage is something to rush to?

Jake hated old movies. He'd be yawning before the opening credits were over and then begin whining endlessly about missing the Cardinal's game. But I loved them. Jimmy Stewart was my favorite actor of all time. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington? Swoon-worthy indeed. And don't even get me started on It's a Wonderful Life.

It was after 10pm by the time the movie ended and I was stiff from lying in the same position for more than eight hours straight. I dragged ass off the couch, turned off the TV, shut the lights, and locked the front door.

There it was. That damn quiet again.

I headed upstairs and walked quickly past the master bedroom without looking in. I didn't have the strength to face that room just yet.

Something led me into the bathroom.

Maybe a long, hot bath.

I ran the water and filled the clawfoot bathtub with suds and salts. I stripped down to nothing, avoiding looking at my reflection in the mirror, and dipped my toe in to test the temperature. It was warm and soothing. I sank down until the suds reached my chin, then I stretched out my legs and closed my eyes.

The silence was pressing on my forehead with the weight of a thousand elephants. It was relentless, like it was trying to force a reaction out of me, and finally it did. I blurted out a whimper that bubbled into the water and faded but provided no relief. There had to be release somewhere. The tension was leaving my muscles but my brain wouldn't shut off. Memories buzzed inside and spun behind my tightly shut lids. Leave me alone, I pleaded with them. Jacob's footsteps sounded down the hallway. Bella! I'm home! I slid further in the tub until the water covered my upper lip and poured into my ears. Go away. You're not real. The footsteps stopped, but the memories continued their merciless assault on my senses. The smell of beer and burnt popcorn filled my nostrils. Want some, Bellyache? Could you grab me a beer? The game is on. The guys are coming over. You don't mind, do you?

Turn it off turn it off turn it off, I cried silently into the soapy darkness.

What would it take to turn it off forever?

It could all be over soon if I wanted it to be. I could do it on my own.

I took a deep breath through my nose and and gripped the sides of the tub. Holding my breath I pulled myself under the water until I was fully submerged. The weight of my hair floated to the surface and fanned out over my head. My arms floated lifelessly at my sides.

I started counting. I had no idea how long it would take for me to pass out, but I knew I eventually would. And that's when my lungs would attempt to take in oxygen against my will. And that's when they would fill with water. And that's when I would drown.

It was almost too easy.

I kept counting. My heart pounded in my chest, warning me that too much carbon dioxide was accumulating and I would soon be poisoned. I clenched my jaw, grinded my teeth together and pursed my lips into a straight line to avoid gasping for air.

Blood pounded in my temples.

My ears started ringing a warning bell.

I'd lost count of how many seconds had passed. My feet began to kick involuntarily.

No.

This was wrong.

I wanted to breathe.

I wanted to feel the whoosh of air in my lungs.

I wanted to watch It's a Wonderful Life for the millionth time.

No.

I can't do this.

I'm sorry, Jake. I can't come with you.

I want to live.

I placed my palms on the bottom of the tub and pushed upwards towards the surface.

The moment I broke through my mouth opened wide and began gulping in the delicious air. Water poured down my face and I coughed and panted and cursed and screamed at the top of my lungs. Stars pounded in my eyes and I bellowed NO! into the empty room until my voice went hoarse.

The shrill sound of the doorbell sent my stomach into a nauseous roll. I pulled the comforter over my head and buried my face in the pillow. It was still slightly damp from having my wet hair matted to it all night.

The doorbell rang again.

I looked at the digital clock on the bedside table.

10:17am

Had I really slept that late?

My stomach rolled again and acidic liquid surged up my esophagus. I swallowed the bile down and pulled my knees to my chin.

If I stay quiet and still maybe they'll go away.

I opened my eyes and looked at the clock again.

10:32am

By the time my stomach had calmed, I desperately needed to pee. I slid out of bed into my oversize terry-cloth bathrobe and padded down the hall.

I wasn't in the mood to talk or in the frame of mind for visitors. Their smiling sad faces made me want to puke my guts up. I'd been letting all calls go to voicemail since the brunch three days ago. There wasn't anything left to say. How many more times could I say thank you for your kind words?

I pulled back the curtain on the front door but no on was there. I twisted the knob and opened it. There at my feet was an enormous arrangement of exotic flowers and baby's breath in a gorgeous mosaic vase. The fragrant scent assaulted my already fragile senses.

Such beauty and detail screamed Miss Mary Alice Brandon.

The small card simple and sweet and written in her delicate script confirmed it.

Dear Bella,

I love you. You're prettier than these flowers.

Alice

Alice had a knack for saying just the right thing.

I lugged the five hundred pound arrangement through the house miraculously without dropping it and set it on the kitchen table. After a steaming mug of tea and a piece of toast, I trudged upstairs and crawled back into bed.

The sound of voices filtering from the first floor leaked into my sleep and mingled with my dreams until I had to force myself awake. I descended the stairs silently and tip-toed to the kitchen doorway where the hushed female voices were deep in conversation.

"...handling it all very well considering..."

"...too well..."

"...so young...denial...breakdown.."

Then a man's voice, clearer.

"I wouldn't underestimate her. She's strong. This has been devastating for everyone, but there is a resilience in the young that us older folks do not enjoy."

To that end I entered the kitchen with my head held high. I felt stupid standing in the hallway eavesdropping like a child.

"Bella, there you are," my mother beamed. I forgot she still had keys to the house. Leah Clearwater was also there, standing at the sink. Sitting at the table was a man dressed in a simple black suit and tie. he looked vaguely familiar.

"Hi, Bella," Leah smiled sadly.

"You remember Pastor Templeton? From Memory Lawn?" my mother asked.

"Hello," I smiled and extended my hand. "I never thanked you for the wonderful service. You were very kind. It was lovely."

He seemed genuinely flattered by my compliment. "Thank you, Mrs. Black. It means the world to me to be able to provide comfort during difficult times."

"Which is also why the pastor is here," my mother interjected. "He's offering to counsel you through this tough time."

"Oh." I gulped. I felt my face flush and my eyes hit the floor. Had they found out about my actions in the bath tub?

"We can take it as slow as you'd like," the pastor began. "You can talk about as much or as little as you feel comfortable. Sharing your feelings, any and all thoughts you are having, can be a very cathartic experience. There is no such thing as wrong."

Talk about what? Jake? What about him? What would talking with a stranger do for me? I wanted to say 'no thank you' as politely as possible but with Leah and my mom and Pastor Templeton staring at me like I was about to collapse under the weight of all the feelings I hadn't talked about, I simply nodded and gave a weak smile of avoidance.

"Baby. You look green. Are you ok?"

"It's just my head. Really bad headache," I lied. Renee was standing on the porch with her oversized handbag at her feet and a waiting cab idling in the driveway. Her thick, wiry hair was pulled back in a hair clip and her face with flushed pink from the heat.

"Come on in." I turned and walked inside. I was still in my pajamas at 3pm. I poured two glasses of water and gulped down the contents of mine. "So?" I sighed. "What's up?"

"Honey, Phil has to get back for training. We're taking an earlier flight to Jacksonville. We leave tonight. I know it's sooner than we planned baby but, well...I suppose I could stay awhile longer if-"

"No it's ok," I smiled weakly and touched her arm. "Go. I'm alright. Really. You don't have to hover over me."

She looked relieved. "Ok. I'll call you as soon as we land. You're father should have stayed longer." She rolled her eyes. "Always on duty."

"I said I'm fine, mom. Don't worry. I'll be more upset if I know you're worrying about me."

She ran her fingers through my ponytail and tucked a stray wisp of hair behind my ear. "Have you talked to your job?"

"No, not yet. I was going to call them tomorrow."

"Have the girls been by to visit with you?"

I shook my head no. Emily had called once or twice, but there was nothing much to say after she asked how I was and after I said I was fine. Leah stopped by yesterday and stared at me for thirty seconds before her phone rang and she made a quick excuse to leave.

They meant well. I wish I could be who they wanted.

"Did you set up a meeting with Pastor Templeton?"

"Oh..." I fidgeted and chewed on my bottom lip. "Mom, I don't think I'm ready for psychoanalysis."

She pondered this for a beat and sighed. "Sweetie, Maybe you should stay with your father for awhile."

"Have I done something wrong?"

"Of course not." Her eyes grew remorseful and she wrapped her arms around me. "Of course you didn't. I was just thinking that, you know, Alice is there, and," she rubbed her hand on my back in a circular motion. "You have friends there."

"I have friends here."

She pulled her head back and looked at me questioningly.

"Jared and Embry and Paul," I blurted out. She sighed deeply and tucked her bottom lip into her teeth.

"They're nice boys. ...But, Bella, those are his friends."

"They're mine too," I muttered. Sure, they hadn't been to see me since the funeral but they were guys. Guys didn't know how to handle stuff like this, right?

"Bella, I know you love them and they hold an important place in your heart but, maybe it's a good idea to see your old friends for a little while. To not be in this house alone. To not be forced to live in the memories every day. There's nothing wrong with that, is there? It doesn't mean you aren't strong. It means you're human."

She was right. They were Jake's friends. They were also a great bunch of people who were always nice to me, always happy to see me. They saved me seats at the bar and sat next to me at the movies. Emily was sweet and welcoming. She and Sam had been married for five years, but we didn't have much else in common other than being married and talking about what the guys were up to and most visits were filled with long stretches of silence and forced smiles. As far as real girlfriends, I hadn't had much luck making them in Phoenix. There was Irina and Lauren, the girls from the office, but they were always going to the mall and borrowing each others clothes and, I dunno, that just wasn't me. When I wasn't working, I spent most of my time with Jake and his friends. They'd come to our house or we'd go to Billy's and hang out in the garage drinking beers while they worked on their motorcycles.

At the time I thought it was fun.

At night, after Jake went to bed or had passed out on the couch, I'd retreat to the porch with a glass of wine and call Alice. We'd talk for hours – mostly about her life cuz it was way more interesting than mine. Other nights I'd sit at the computer in the spare room and IM with Angela and Jessica, my friends from Forks. We'd all made a pact to keep in touch no matter where life took us. Jessica got a new job recently and would be moving to Seattle in a few weeks and Angela was about to get married to her longtime boyfriend Ben Cheney.

I had to admit, it would be great to see them again before their lives completely changed...like mine had. I missed them more than I thought fair to admit.

Over the years, Alice had been down to visit a few times and I spent a week each summer in Forks with my dad until I was eighteen. But it had been nearly two years since I'd been back to Forks and over a year since Alice came down for my wedding.

I smiled as I remembered the night, about six months ago, when Alice frantically called me after meeting her current boyfriend, Jasper.

"Oh my god, Bella, you'll never guess what's happened! Do you remember Edward Cullen? From school?"

"Um," I chewed on my fingernail. "Should I?" High school felt like light years ago.

"Yes because he was guh-ORgeous, but not really because he's two years older than us and you moved away during freshman year. He was in all accelerated classes anyway and I only saw him during fifth period lunch which sucked cuz he's super yummy to look at. I totally lusted after him from afar until he graduated," she giggled. Alice had a great giggle. "Anyway, I didn't know this but he has two older siblings who were seniors when we were freshman."

"How'd you find this out? ...Alice? Did you go digging through their trash?" I teased.

"Hmm I didn't think of that, but no. His older sister, Rosalie, owns the boutique where I work. Turns out she's been in Paris for two years starting her own clothing line and she just got back last week to start marketing it. Isn't that crazy? She's doing what I dream about! And you'd die she is so beautiful. But here's the clincher."

I held my breath in tingling anticipation while finishing Jake's grilled cheese and macaroni dinner.

"She's a twin, Bella. A twin. And not an identical twin, cuz I think the world would implode. A boy twin. His name is Jasper. Isn't that a great name? He's an Executive Chef at one of those posh resorts on the waterfront. She invited me over for drinks the other night - she's staying with her parents which is totally understandable because their house is SICK - and Bella, he was there."

"Edward?"

"No, he's away at college somewhere. I mean Jasper. Oh my god Bella he is so cute! HOT cute. And nice, too. The whole package. We talked for hours and got giggly drunk. I gave him my number and the next day he called, can you believe it? Guys never call the next day, right? Unless they really like you?"

"That's great, Alice," I chuckled. Her lust for life was infectious and I envied her ability to find magic and awe in a spiderweb. "I'm glad things are going well for you. You deserve it."

"So do you, Bella. How's Jake?"

"Oh he's, y'know."

The radio alarm clock on the bedside table was blasting the crap morning show on KUPD-FM. I smacked the snooze button, which I didn't remember setting, and rolled over. What did I have to do today anyway? There was a sickening coating of sick on my tongue that ran down the back of my throat. Kicking the covers aside I ran into the bathroom and spit up yellow phlegm into the toilet – the sight of which made me even more sick to my stomach and caused me to hurl up the remnants of the frozen breakfast burrito I had for dinner last night.

This was getting ridiculous.

Wiping my mouth with a face towel, I returned to the spare room and rummaged around in the desk drawer until I found it. The plastic bag from my trip to the drugstore last week. Inside amongst the gum and candy wrappers and travel packs of tissues was the box I was looking for. I ripped the cardboard open and discarded it, taking the small package with me into the bathroom.

Five minutes later I had an answer. But what did the answer mean? I raced back into the bedroom and retrieved the box from the wastebasket. I scanned the directions on the side flap.

One line = negative

Two lines = positive

Holding the box in one hand I squinted down at the yellowed stick balancing on the bathroom counter.

Shit.

The dizziness, the nausea...there was no denying it. I wasn't on the pill and my cycle had been erratic to non-existent since it started when I was thirteen. I tried different brands of birth control over the years but they all had side effects ranging from getting my period twice a month, to spotting all month, to missing it completely for months at a time with no warning. Jake didn't mind wearing condoms and to be honest, I was glad. I relied on the lubrication they provided. Most of the time I wasn't in the mood for sex anyway and Jake rarely lasted longer than the commercial break.

Shit.

What did two lines mean again? I looked to the box as though the answer would be different than the first time.

Two lines indicate a positive test result.

Two lines.

Positive.

I had my answer. As far as First Response was concerned...

I was pregnant.