Felicity: An American Girl ROMANCE Part4, Ch2: Due North!
The Mercury Queen weighed anchor at the crack of dawn. Felicity awoke to the clanging of the watch bell and the yelling of men giving orders and confirming them. The movement of the ship didn't bother much at all; she was too preoccupied with starting home to care. And then there was Ben, sleeping soundly beside her, keeping her encased in his arms all the while. It made her smile. She was on her way home at last. She was going to see her family again! The notion of getting her life back was so exciting that it didn't occur to her to be sea-sick.
Arthur, however, was not that lucky. He had thought about being sea-sick even before boarding, as he was susceptible to that sort of thing. For the first few days out he was nothing but vomit, declaring himelf to be throwing up all manner of humors and objects he did not recall having eaten. But at least no one made fun of him or spoke ill of him, a fact that he appreciated very much. On the fourth day he seemed to have found his sea legs once more and appeared less green, much in thanks to Elizabeth's constant tending of him. Ben could not help but wonder if the blond Brit sometimes only pretended sea sickness just to have Elizabeth's continual care and attention. But then one look at Arthur would show that no, he was not deceiving anyone. The lad actually had turned green in the cheeks.
And on that fourth day, the sky was onvercast but no rain fell. A westerly breeze made the early spring temps seem a little cooler than what they actually were, but cloaks and shawls were sufficient for the passengers, who came on deck to watch ship activity or stand at the railings and watch the playful bottlenose dolphins keep pace with the ship, leaping into the air and splashing back down into the dark blue waters of the Channel, on into the Irish sea. The Mercury Queen was not alone on the waters most of the time so far; there were Irish and English fishing boats alike, small whalers and ferries. A good deal of the time there was friendly and curious waving back and forth among the passengers of all ships involved, an occasional ship of the king's navy pulling up alongside to see the 'Queen's letter of marquee, or board for pleasantries, and once a lieutenant who actually recognized the Duke of Belhastings and blushed, bowed and verbally stumbled all over himself in his haste to appologize for being so stiff.
'Twas times like those when having a duke along was a blessing.
Ben of course was always by Felicity's side, for he could not find comfort anywhere else. They walked from one end of the ship to another together, talking about everything that popped into their heads, be it food or how things were when they were children. They talked of serious matters, such as where they wanted to live when they got married, both agreeing that they were not ready to leave Williamsburg and nor would they unless Ben's business got bad. They talked of things that most couples did not care to approach until after marriage, but when Ben commented on how he would love to have a house full of children, Felicity became quiet and thoughtful, which told Ben immediately that she perhaps was not too keen on the idea.
Which he understood, of course, seeing as how it was the woman who gave birth, and there were tremendous risks in doing so. But what Ben Davidson couldn't see was that Felicity was frightened of the idea of having children, not just about the risk to her life it involved, but the entire notion of giving up what little precious freedom she had already in order to 'settle down.' Her spirit felt more restless than ever, eager to do everything that she had ever been told not to do, for after being a prisoner of Reginald Forsythe's for months that felt like years, and after being told her entire life that girls can't do' this' and girls can't do 'that' she felt herself becoming more resistant than ever. Yes, she loved Ben with all of her heart, but she feared she would certainly fail as a wife if she had to give up her spirit.
But now, Felicity felt, was not really the time to talk about that. She was putting it off, and she was doing so intentionally. The voyage had only started, and she did not want the burden of her own soul to be anyone else's burden so soon. Eventually, though, she was going to have to explain to Ben how she felt, and the dread she felt at the thought of it made her unusually quiet. Ben knew something was on her mind, but he told himself that he would not push, that he had just got her back, and that she would open up to him on her own time.
But he feared that she was trying to convince herself that marrying him was not the best thing for her to do. What he did not reveal was that the closer they got to home, the more frightened he was that he was going to lose her yet. Therefore, the very things they knew they would have to face before they could ever make their vows before God were the very things they chose to delay speaking of.
Lettie had, in the course of three days, made herself surprisingly resourceful aboard the ship-including further surprising everyone by appearing on deck in breeches and a man's homespun shirt, both of which she preferred to wear over dresses, for one could not very well climb up to the crow's nest or out upon the jib boom in a dress. She could climb faster than any of the topmen and learmed rope knots faster than any man Captain Crisp had ever seen. And no one, neither crew nor passenger, had any protest or complaint to her wearing men's clothing, except for Felicity, who openly applauded her and praised her for her audacity and use of her new freedom. To this Lettie merely replied:
"It has been declared that I am a free black. I will chose for myself what to do with my life. Perhaps I can wear men's clothing and climb the masts as the men do because I do not have the demands and expectations of a white woman's life put upon me as you do." When Felicity nodded in agreement at this, Lettie further stated before eveyone who was within ear shot up top, "But your life is your own, too, Felicity Merriman. If you wish to wear the breeches of a man, then you should not be punished for it. Your life is what you make of it."
Clearly, Felicity was taking the dark girl's advice into deep consideration, for Ben could almost see windmills churning in his beloved's mind. Elizabeth was in absolute awe of Lettie, sighing how she wished she was brave enough to toss her corset to the sea and climb the masts in men's breeches. But then, everyone had begun to admire Lettie. She still wore her turban, but her attitude had changed to one of ferocity if anyone challenged the decisions she was making for herself. Captain Crisp had no complaints about Lettie whatsoever. If the mysterious dark girl wanted to pull ropes, climb masts and swab decks, then she was certainly welcome to.
She was making a better crewman than the crewmen themselves.
Ben managed to work up enough nerve to approach Lettie one afternoon as they were sailing close to the coast of Scotland, and catch her alone weaving hemp rope. He wanted to talk to her about Felicity, and hopefully get some insight into what might be going on in Felicity's mind.
Obviously he was nervous, for he continually attempted to clear his throat, which did not need clearing, and shift his weight indecicively. Lettie could sense his approach and needn't raise her head from her work on deck to acknowldege him, which made all the more nervous since he had already convinced himself that he was the least of her favorite whites on the ship. He swallowed dryly and asked, "Um, Lettie, may I speak to you a moment?"
Lettie did not reply, but merely continued weaving where she sat upon a barrel of whale oil. Since she did not reply or look up to acknowledge his presence, he took that as a sign that he was free to say whatever he'd come to say. "I wish to talk to you about Felicity." This prompted a mere glance from her, nothing more.
"I know she trusts you more than anyone these days, and that she very likely confides everything to you. I think that is fine, and I would never ask that you betray her trust, not that you ever would, but I just wanted to know if you could tell me if she has mentioned anything about...well, anything about not wanting to marry me after all?"
Lettie stopped working with the rope, sighed, and looked at Ben with uncertain eyes. "Felicity does not get to speak with me for long. You are nearly always with her. If you do not know, who does?"
Ben reddened and looked modest. "I thought maybe she had said something to you."
"It bothers you that you do not know her mind?"
"Well, yes,actually. Felicity and I used to always be able to tell what the other was thinking. Then all of this happened, and I feel like she is still afraid to trust me fully. I feel like she is holding something back. I would give anything to know what that might be, so that I could help her. Do you know of anything I can do?"
Lettie cocked her turbaned head and gave him a curious look. "You are afraid she will not want to marry you by the time she returns to her home, yes?" She spoke with her equally mysterious exotic accent that everyone couldn't help but be fascinated by. "But that is her choice. I have nothing to say in the matter."
"But she turns to you for advice." Ben sounded like he was almost pleading with her. "What can I do to make her see that I am still the man she knew and loved? I thought we had made good progress after the duke's party that night, but something is still not quite right. So yes, I am worried. I lost her once, I cannot lose her again, Lettie."
"It is simple for you, really," Lettie told him plainly, her attention going back to her work with the hemp rope. "If you love her as you say you do, show it. Prove it. Be what she needs when she needs it. Do not treat her like a mare for breeding."
"Oh God, no, I would never do that!" Ben whispered shrilly, bending forward towards her at the waist. The crew working near them seemed not to notice or care that they were conversing, and Ben wanted to keep it that way.
"Then when she is ready to tell you what is on her mind and in her heart, you must listen and understand. Though you are a man, you do not know everything. Men never do. They like to assume they do, and behave like they do, but they do not. So if you love her, give her space."
"But I'm afraid she will not want to marry me!"
Lettie shrugged. "If it is meant to be, it will be." Again she looked at Ben with dark eyes full of some esoteric knowledge that he could not yet understand. "Let her open to you in her own way. You are being tested, Captain Davidson. And so is she."
"Felicity is being tested?" More than ever, Ben was confused and worried. "What do you mean?"
The way in which Lettie sighed suggested that she was not surprised by his obliviousness. "She has just had her personal freedom restored, Captain. Living in custody of the Forsythe-people is not something one recovers from quickly. I know this to be true because I, too, feel the anger and the hatred over what I have experienced. But Felicity is lucky in that she did not remain a prisoner as long as I. She has freedome again, and she is determined to make the most of it, as am I. She is in an aggressive hurry to decide what she wants to do with it for fear that it will be taken from her again."
"But I would never be the kind of husband that controls his wife!" Ben protested, no longer caring who overheard him now. "I love her, Lettie, I am not seeking any kind of domination over her!"
Lettie shrugged. "Then let her know that." Her cryptic eyes met his worried brown ones again, questioning. "You also desire children, do you not?"
Immediately Ben blushed, for he considered talk of having children something personal between him and Felicity alone. But for Felicity he would speak of anything. "Well, yes, but that is something that just goes along with marriage. She and I-"
"Do not ever assume that what you want is what she wants," Lettie interrupted smoothly. "She must figure out for herself what she wants, and you must let her."
"But I will do anything to keep from losing her again!"
"Then remember you said that." Lettie's dark almond-shaped eyes gave him a direct, knowing look. Then she went back to working on the hemp rope.
Ben was the one who sighed this time, out of frustration. Part of him understood everything that she was saying, but part of him wanted it spelled out clearly for him. But that would yet again be betraying Felicity's trust, and Lettie was not about to do that. So Ben nodded, not knowing what else to say, and shuffled away with his hands deep in his coat pockets. He instantly felt the need to seek out Felicity and get her into his arms, which had begun their customary aching for her already. He needn't look around for long, either, because she was up on the quarterdeck, sitting on a wooden bench out of the way of the ship activity, talking with none other than the overly-freckled , who stood too close to her for Ben's liking.
Ben scowled as he increased his pace to a stride, gaining the steps up to the quarterdeck with two swift strides with his long legs. 'Twas not Felicity he was scowling at, but he put on his best eager grin as he came to her quickly, plunked down beside her and promptly put an arm about her shoulders, giving her an affectionate squeeze. "Missed me?"
Felicity laughed pleasantly and said, "Why Ben! You were just down on the main deck, I could see you!"
"Good. I do not want to be anywhere that is out of your view, for I can get into trouble all too easily!" He kissed her cheek, hoping would get the hint and shove off.
She grinned, somewhat confused. "Well...I suppose there is a truth in that."
Licklighter didn't appear affected at all. He merely smiled his big toothy smile and gazed at Felicity like she was a marvel.
"Oh there you are, Ben! and I were just discussing horses," Felicity told Ben good-naturedly, sounding morelike her old self than she had yet. "His family used to race them at a place called...er, what was it called?"
"Epsom," reminded Licklighter, still grinning.
"Yes, Epsom! But his father said making wagers on horses was no right way to live, so he learned how to sail and joined this crew to make a living where he didn't have to serve the king's navy."
Licklighter shrugged with amused indifference. "I figure I'd better get to sea before the press gangs got me anyway. "
"But do you not miss your family?" Felicity inquired curiously.
"Sometimes. But I don' have much family left, Miss. Papa died and Mama isnt in her right mind anymore. my sisters are all married with youngsters of their own, so I make my life at sea."
"What about getting married?" Ben pressed, wanting to make it clear that Felicity was unattainable to anyone but him.
"I've known me some lovely young ladies here and there," Tad Licklighter mused thoughtfully with a cock of his head. "None of 'em would have me as a husband, though. Oh I suppose I'll settle down someday, but while I'm young the sea is my mistress."
Felicity seemed impressed, but Ben wasn't. He was just thinking of something smart to say when a voice called out "Licklighter! Cap'n wants ye!" and the freckly lad doffed his cap at Felicity and sprinted off. Felicity immediately turned to Ben and asked, "I get the feeling that you don't like him."
"That is because I do not."
She raised an eyebrow. "And why is that?"
"I dont like the way he looks at you. He is playing the flirt."
She smiled slyly and patted his hand. "Now don't tell me you never flirted with any pretty young lady before. I seem to recall a certain Clarissa Dupre..."
Ben stiffened defensively. "Forget about her, Felicity, please? We are making a new start together. I-I want you to be glad you are marrying me." He thought about what Lettie told him and remembered that even Lord Covington himself reminded Ben that he should give Felicity time. He felt the need to panic because his fear that Felicity could be swayed not to want to marry him. "You've got to believe me, Lissie, the only girl I have ever wanted is you. I shall say as many times as need be until you believe it!"
She eyed him with pretend suspicion, enjoying watching him squirm. But she smiled wryly. "Perhaps I do. Mind you, I would have never let what happened in the duke's maze that night happen with someone I did not love. When I said I trusted you that night, I meant it."
"B-But do you trust me now?" He was practically begging.
"I suppose." She gave a little lift of her chin and looked away, at the sky and its overcast mix of greys and whites.
"Oh please!"
She couldn't help but snicker mischeviously at him. "Ben, I know there are some things that we still need to talk about before we get home and are wedded, but this is not the time. I'm...just beginning to feel more like myself than I have since this whole nightmare began, and I don't want to rush everything just yet. There will be time for us to talk, all right?"
"But you still want to marry me, right?"
She studied him, noting how frightened he looked all of a sudden, worried that she had or was on the verge of changing her mind. Though she loved him more than life itself, she still felt the need to keep him worried, down to the last minute. It was passive revenge for that wretched day he'd turned his back on her. Holding on to hate was a horrible thing, and she was still in the process letting it go, yes, but part of her felt the need to keep him on his toes. She nodded smilingly. "Yes, Ben I still want to marry you."
He exhaled deeply, for he had been holding his breath. His forehead dropped on to her closest shoulder. "Praise the Lord..."
She chuckled softly.
After a minute, Ben raised his head and looked about them. "Where are Elizabeth and Arthur?"
"Well, Elizabeth is being very mysterious today. She says she has some important sewing to do, and she doesn't want to be disturbed for a while. I'm trying not to wonder what she is up to! And Arthur is either lying down until this morning's queasiness has passed, or is tailing one of the crew, asking questions about how the ship is manned."
"Has he an interest in sailing now, as Lettie does?"
"Oh goodness, no! He's trying to keep his mind busy."
Ben grinned. "Poor fellow. And are you doing anything in particular, my pretty girl?"
She cocked an eyebrow. "Why, I'm just sitting here with you."
"I like doing nothing with you."
"Oh really? I thought all you were interested in was doing something with me."
"Nay, not with you, to you. There's a difference, you see."
"Ah..." A feeling of humor and comedic inuendo settled over them, lightening both their moods for the time being. To keep Ben from feeling to worried, she leaned against him cozily, laying her head upon his shoulder as she stared out at the sky, feeling somewhat content actually. They were well on their way home, but there was bound to be predicaments between here and there. Felicity didn't want to think about what lay ahead. What good was there in worrying about things that could or might happen? The present was all that mattered. And she was presently feeling at ease with herself. Tomorrow might be a different day, but today she was going to be free from worry.
Within days the Mercury Queen was sailing free of the Irish Sea on her course northward into the North Channel between Ireland and Scotland, steering around Rathlin Island, but soon she would be turning west, so that she would eventually pick up on the as yet unamed Irminger Current, which would be of great help in pushing them westward toward Newfoundland. Unfortunately, that current would also take them close to the tip end of Greenland; the Eggar Islands, the southernmost one of which would come to be called Cape Farewell, and the greater their chances were of encountering icebergs.
The closest Felicity and her friends came to seeing Ireland and Scotland were the distant cliffs of each, respectively. Ben noticed clearly that she seemed to relish each new thing that she saw, be it the jagged rocks of some island or land they weren't able to go exploring on, grey seals and harbour seals resting on large rocks the passed near to in the Northern Channel. Wrapped in their cloaks, Felicity and Elizabeth both braved the chilly wind to stand at the railings and look out at everything they could see. Arthur and Ben stood with them, and often Lord Covington and young Thomas joined them as well, clapping his small hands at the bottlenosed dolphins playing near the ship, or the rounded backs of mighty baleen whales breaking the surface of the waters. The Captain would yell and tell them that the Great Whales (which were what baleens were called) were at least ninety feet long, as far as he could reckon, which caused Ben's mouth to drop open and Arthur to immediately step back form the railing even though there was absolutely no danger of the whales to them at all. They watched in utter fascination at the mighty 'V' shaped plumes of water that issued from the blowholes of the giant beasts at least ten feet up into the air.
"Good God," marvelled Arthur, gulping dryly.
"Whoosh!" cried Felicity triumphantly, to Ben's delight.
"Makes you feel as small as Jonah!" wondered Elizabeth exuberabtly.
Arthur pulled to his cravat nervoulsy. "Perhaps it is one of them that swallowed Jonah!"
The Captain haw-hawed mightily, for 'twas known by now that the landlubbing was quite the comic. It always made the captain feel happy to show passengers the sorts of things he and his crew saw on a regular basis.
But yet a Giant Whale was about to pale in comparison to the things they would see next!