Hey people! Sorry for the wait! I printed this out and a couple ppl didn't think it was funny! Oh well. Anyway this will have some things that have nothing to do with the games but will otherwise. Bare with me! If this is too short, sorry but I am slighly tired. Some of these jokes are from TV shows but not all of them. It might be obvious what some of the jokes are from though. Anyway here goes!

1998. In an unknown Umbrella lab...

Albert Wesker awakes from what seemed like a long time. "Wow feels like I've been sleeping for months! I gotta stop drinking..."

A doctor was in the room. "You have been asleep for months. Sinde July. Its September now."

Wesker stands up. "Jesus joseph and doggystyle mary! Why didn't you wake me? I've been missing Dawsons Creek!"

"You've been dead."

"Oh..."

Wesker looks to discover he has no clothes. "Where are my clothes? And why is there a smiley face painted on my genitals?"

"Oh that was probably one of the new guys. Anyway here's your clothes. The man at the front desk wants to see you."

Wesker gets dressed and walks to the front desk. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yes. We have brought you back with the virus. But we need to give you another shot so you'll be strong again."

Wesker frowns. "I don't think I understand what you're saying. Could you speak English?"

The doctor pulls out a syringe. The virus...

Wesker grabs the man by the collar. "How dare you! What do I look like? Some maniac who will just put anything in his body? And then take pictures of it coming out? And put them on my website that gets over a thousand hits a day, most of them in Germany, Do I? Do I?"

The man whispers. "It makes you grow big and strong."

Wesker lowers his voice. "Ooooh. I like whispering too. The problem is, I sometimes forget what to whisper so I just pretend. Like this pssss psss pss"

The man leaves the room creeped out.

Wesker thinks and remembers his first assasination mission.

1988

Wesker is preparing to get ready to kill Marcus. Yet he can't decide what to wear. He comes out of the changing room. Wearing a cheerleader outfit.

Spencer shakes his head. "Not appropriate."

Wesker goes back in and comes back out, dressed like Dee Snyder and wearing a kiss mask. "Fuck you old man! I rock!"

Wesker starts drawing the anarchy sign all over the walls. Spencer shakes his head.

Wesker goes back in. Then he comes out with a t shirt that says BLACK POWER and had the Panthers logo. He also had his blonde hair made into an afro. "Later Spencer. I'ma stick it to these whiteys!"

Spencer sips his coffee. "That's higly offensive."

Wesker, "Really? Do you think it matters? I mean we are the villians..."

"Yes! How can we achieve world domination if everybody hates us?"

Wesker sighs. "What would you have me wear?"

"Something black. All black. And from now on in your life, I want you to talk with a british accent. But at the mansion, speak like an American but then go back to being british."

Wesker goes back into the changing room and comes out in an all black outfit.

"That's better. And I won't tell anybody about the whole cheerleader thing..."

Wesker, "Oh I know you won't Spencer. I know you won't."

Wesker pulls out a bottle and pours something into a napkin, then puts the napkin over Spencer's mouth. Spencer passes out.

Wesker grinned, "And now to erase your memory of this entire conversation."

Wesker takes all of his clothes off with a grin on his face, staring at the unconscious old man.

(Okay now CV.)

(Cut to Claire running from chopper.)

Claire runs as bullets are flying at her and destroying the windows behind her.

Guard 1. "Who the hell is shooting up there? Helen Keller? Hit her!"

Chopper "She's too fast sir! It must be those pants she's wearing!"

Claire jumps dwn some stairs and finds guards aiming weapons at her. "Put the gun down."

Claire thinks hard, "Uh... I wasn't really going to blow up the Paris facility. Did you know we got the statue of Liberty from the French?"

Guard, "I don't care. Drop the gun. Or the bitch gets it!" Grabs a random girl.

Claire drops her gun but then drops to the floor and catches it. Then fires and blows up the gas tank behind them.

Claire looks up to see a gun pointed at her by a Hispanic male. Her gun was empty. She knew she had been beaten. More guards arrived and grabbed her. "What do you want us to do with her Rodrigo?"

Rodrigo. "Put her on the chopper. I have some unfinished business." He points his gun at the bitch the guard was threatening. He shoots her with a grin.

Claire has a bag over her head. Suddnly its removed. "Your ID number is WKD4496. Welcome to your new home. Oh and you're the only female so don't drop the soap!"

Boom. She gets hit in the head with the butt of the gun. She is still awake so the guards begin kicking and punching her until she passes out.

Guard 1. "God that made me feel like a man!"

Guard 2 "I know! I'm gonna prctice on my wife when I get home!"

Claire wakes up in the cell. She has no gun. She only has a lighter. Sweet!

She checks her pockets. "No! I had an ounce in here! Give it back you bastards!"

She flicks the lighter open to see Rodrigo. "Oh my God! A Mexican!"

Rodrido opens the cell and says, "Go on. Get out of there."

She exits the cell. Rodrigo sits down and grabs a bottle of jack daniels and discovers its empty. "Perfect." he says throwing it.

"This prison is finished. Probably some angry liberals..."

"What about you? What are you gonna do?" She asks.

"I'm gonna sit here and smoke this shit. Then I'm going to listen to my walkman."

He reveals a bag of weed. "Hey that's mine! Do you know what I had to do to get that? Let's just say all the mouthwash in the world can't fix it!"

Rodrigo points his gun at her. "Its mine now."

Claire leaves the room. She goes up the stairs, through the grave yard. She sees a bunch of zombies coming toward her. She forgot to grab the knife downstairs. Suddenly the zombies start dancing. One of the zombies looks like Micheal Jackson. Thriller begins to play.

"Micheal Jackson? You're not a zombie!"

Dancing stops. "Jesus Christ lady have you seen a fucking People's magazine lately? I'm pale as casper!" The zombies begin to advance. Claire moon walks away from them. She makes it to the door. "Damn! How did she do the moonwalk better? That's your thing Mike!"

Micheal Jackson, "Must be those tight pants."

Meanwhile Claire walks into the court yard and somebody fires at her. She takes cover and fires three shots, taking out the spotlight.

Redhead jumps down and Claire has a gun pointed at him. "Sorry about that little misunderstanding. But I thought you were a member of the Arayan Bro..."

"Shut up. Make one wrong move and I'll shoot."

"Relax sugar tits. My name's Steve. And I'm guessing you're not from Umbrella."

"No I'm Claire. Claire Redfield."

Steve looks at her. "Claire...hmmm. Nice."

"Wait what were you about to say before I told you to shut up? You thought I was a skinhead?"

Steve frowns. "Yeah. I just don't want to get sodomized again!" Breaks down crying.

"Seriously My ass was sore for two weeks!"

Claire: "Uhhh.. Okay."

Steve heads for the door. "Where are you going?" Claire asks.

"I don't want you following me lady. You'd only slow me down."

Claire explodes. "What kind of sexist shit is that? I took the spotlight out and had you begging for mercy with three shots! You couldn't hit me with an SMG!"

Steve, "How is that sexist? Everybody knows women are weaker than men and they shouldn't be able to leave the house without first asking their husband."

Steve runs from the room.

(Next Steve/Claire scene.)

Steve is on a computer and Claire says, "What are you doing here?"

He clicks off the site he was on but Claire saw it before he did. Sherry Birkin and Barry Burton uncensored action.

"Chris Redfield...Is he a relative of yours or something? He's really well endowed."

Claire, "I know. And yes."

Steve, "Well it seems your brother is under surveilance by Umbrella!"

On the camera, Chris is pushing Rebecca's head toward his lap.

"What? I should tell Leon to get that information to him."

( don't remember all th lines.)

Steve, "Why don't you send your brother the coordinates so he'll help?"

Claire, "Thanks I'll do that!"

Steve, "Hey I was kidding. There's now way he could get here! Even if he is your brother."

Claire. "Yes he can. I'm sure of it!"

Steve grabs Claire by the throat. "I will not tolerate a woman back talking me!" Steve slaps her and says, "Get to earning bitch!"

Then runs from the room.

Claire waits twenty minutes and there is still no response from Leon. "Damn it! What could be taking him so long to respond?"

Mreanwhile Leon does not see Claire's email. He is too busy listening to Eddie Rabbitt's 'I love a rainy night'.

(My own Alfred Ashford scene.)

Alfred is crying and holding Alexia's dress which is stained in blood. He has makeup stains from crying as well.

An Umbrella employee walks in.

"Can't you knock?" Ashford says.

"Still grieiving over Alexia? How did she die sir?"

Alfred, "She died of a heart attack. We are trying to bring her back."

Employee, "Uh...If she died ofa heart attack, why is her dress covered in blood?"

Alfred, "It was that time of the month."

Employee. "What?"

Alfred, "What are you? A child? Once a month a woman has a cycle. A flow of blood comes from her butt hole! And now Alexia will never bleed from her butt hole again!"

Alfred cries again and the employee leaves disgusted.

(Cut to Wesker/Claire scene.)

Wesker, "Greeting. You must be the lovely Claire Redfield."

Claire, "Wesker?"

Wesker, "Damn you! You weren't supposed to know that yet! Uhhh yes."

Claire, "Chris told me you used to be on his side. Why are you evil now?"

Wesker, "Well I tried to be on the justice league but I make one joke about batman and I get banned for life!"

(Flashback.)

Wesker and all of the justice league heroes are getting drunk.

Wesker, "I am good at impressions."

J.L. "Do one!"

Wesker, in a deep voice. "Hey gimme your wallet."

Wesker in a high voice. "Don't shoot! We're batman's mommy and daddy!"

Wesker pulls out a gun and shots himself leaving a blood stain on the wall in the symbol of the batman.

Everybody is speechless.

(End of flashback.)

Claire, "But what did Chris do to you?"

Wesker grabs her by the throat. "I despise Chris! Seriously why does he always have to put gel in his hair?"

Claire, "What are you going to do to him?"

Wesker hits her and says, "This is a prison. So we're going to do what any guys would do in a shower."

Wesker stands on her shoulder. "How your brother will weep to see you die!"

Wesker gets a call on his radio. "What? Really? Italian Sausage pizza? And the super bowl? I'm game."

"I've decided to let you live a little longer."

Wesker speeds away.

(Chris/Wesker scene.)

"Long time no see Chris."

Chris, "Wait a minute...I know you...Weren't you in the Terminator movies?"

Wesker. "Its Wesker you idiot!"

Chris. "Oh. You're still alive?"

"Yes."

"You attacked the island. And my sister!"

Chris tries to shoot him but Wesker grabs him by the throat. "You have no idea how much I hate you. I've sold my ass...er...I mean my soul to a new organization."

Wesker chokes Chris until Alexia appears on the screen laughing.

Wesker, "Alexia?" He throws Chris and the screen goes blank.

Chris, "Who's that?"

Wesker, "Some girl I'm trying to nail. Losing my virginity wasn't so great."

(Wesker flashback)

Wesker is drunk at a frat party and is wearing a half shirt that exposes his stomach and a pair of juicy sweatpants. He also has lots of makeup on.

Suddenly the frat boys throw him against a pinball machine and take their turns.

Wesker, "No! Leave me alone! I'm saving myself for marriage!"

(End Flashback.)

Chris, "You're going to nail a dead chick?"

Wesker. "Hell yeah. I don't discriminate. You know what I don't like about vaginas?"

Chris, "What?"

Wesker, "Nothing. That's what."

Chris weakly stands up.

"Well anyway, my lips are sealed about your first time. I won't tell anybody."

Wesker "Oh I know you won't Chris. I know you won't."

Wesker puts a napkin around Chris's mouth until he passes out and then he takes off his black outfit. "And now to erase your memory of this entire conversation."

Wesker grins as he appraoches the unconscious Chris.

That's all for now people! I don't know if this is funny so be honest! And sorry if the humor was a big wrong, like the pinball thing. It should be ok cause I had it happen to a guy though! But I have a twisted sense of humor!

Anyway I crave feedback! I will try to finish this in the next chapter! And also I will start on RE 4!

Later!