A/N: Pretty self-explanatory, ne?

The Uchiha were a proud clan of shinobi warriors, but that did not mean that they didn't have any civilians in the family. On the contrary—the Uchiha were well versed in the art of business, and being Clan Head, Uchiha Fugaku made it his business to deal with such proceedings.

And since he was travelling to the Land of Hot Water this week to meet with a prospective client, he decided to take his entire family—bar Itachi, who was busy with ANBU duties—on a three-day vacation to Yugakure.

"But why couldn't aniki come?" Sasuke asked for the third time upon entering the village.

"Because he's busy," was usually the answer they gave him. But this time, Mikoto suggested, "Why not get him a souvenir? I hear Yugakure has excellent quality dango."

After they settled in their hotel, Fugaku had to part from Sasuke and Mikoto to meet their client. Mikoto took Sasuke to the market, where old ladies fussed over his cute appearance.

If there was one thing he hated, Sasuke swore that it was fussing females. Like he didn't get enough unwanted attention from the females in his own age group. He didn't need a bunch of eighty-year-old ladies fawning over him, too!

"Look at his widdle cheeks."

"His frown is adorable!"

"He looks like a smart boy—does he know his twelve times tables, yet?"

"I wish my grandson looked that good—"

"Oi!"

"Shut up and wash the dishes, Ryuu."

Sensing that he was on the verge of imploding, Mikoto quickly guided him through the streets and to a less crowded area.

Sasuke loved his mother very much, though he had little patience for her... past time.

Shopping. The dreaded activity that any man with an adequate amount of testosterone pumping through their system hated.

"These beads are lovely," Mikoto said, showing Sasuke a beaded necklace. "What do you think, Sasuke?" Her eyes were gentle, her smile warm.

Sasuke harrumphed. "It's... okay."

Mikoto turned back to the store owner. "Do you have this available in cornflower or midnight blue? I don't think sunset is quite the right shade for me."

"Okaa-san," Sasuke said impatiently an hour later. "Can we go get the dango for aniki, now?"

Mikoto looked torn between pleasing her son and those ruby red shoes on display, but in the end, she took Sasuke to the dango shop.

"My, it's popular," Mikoto commented, placing one finger over her lips. "I can't even see the counter from here."

Apparently, they were having a sampling session this afternoon, hence the large crowd. They had nearly shouldered their way to the front of the shop when something caught Sasuke's eye.

"Hey!" he shouted, tugging at his mother's sleeve. "That's aniki's favorite flavor! I'm going to get it." He went toward the shelves with said flavor, ignoring his mother's protests of "don't go off on your own".

He had to get to the shelves. There were only a few boxes left. There! Now I've got you—

Then it all went dark. But before that, he had the very uncomfortable feeling of needing to go to the bathroom.

Sasuke awoke slowly, groggily. "Where... am I?" Where's okaa-san?! Otou-sama?!

He tried to move, but it seemed that he was tied to a chair. The room was completely dark, and his breathing quickened in panic. What the hell was happening?

Suddenly, a light above his head flickered, making him wince.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Sasuke-tan."

Sasuke quickly tried to school his face into a glare, but, inwardly, he was quickly losing his shit. "Who are you?!"

The light was bright, but it didn't completely encompass the room. All Sasuke could see of the speaker were the toes of her boots. Who wore boots, anyway? Ninja sandals were way better. And his kidnapper had to be some kind of shinobi, right?

Her voice was... young, surprisingly. She couldn't have been much older than him.

She ignored his question and flicked something, making the room around him whir to life. Terrified, Sasuke began to squirm in his chair, ignoring the ninja wire digging into his flesh. He needed to get out of here, fast.

"Welcome... to my—!"

"Oi, Ina-no-danna, the toilet's blocked again, un." Someone opened the door behind her, letting in more light, and allowing Sasuke to see her silhouette. She was surprisingly small.

Then the lights turned on in the room, and Sasuke had to blink.

"Oh my fucking god, you did not just ruin the opening paragraph of my mad scientist monologue."

"Oh, he's awake?" The newcomer was a blond teenager around the age of twelve. The girl—yes, the person Sasuke had been scared of was a little girl—scowled at the boy, who wore his blond hair in a peculiar fashion: a canary's wing over the left side of his face.

"Damn right, he's awake! You know what, fuck you, Deidara."

"Fuck you!" Deidara shouted back, grimacing. "That's the third time this week that the toilet's gotten clogged, un! Some inventor you are, you piece of shit." He gave Sasuke a look that made him freeze up. "Why did you kidnap the kid again?"

"So I can become an idol! Why do you think I went through the stupid ninja academy and held myself back just to wait for you? I need money to fund my inventions and Project Freakshow! Sasuke-tan is just another stepping stone to achieve my dream!" Ina hissed—actually hissed—at him angrily. She pointed a finger at her prisoner. "Do you think I get some sort of sick pleasure from kidnapping small children?"

There was a pause.

"I wouldn't put it past you—"

"Shut up, Deidara. I'm two years older than you, so show some respect."

Deidara rolled his eyes, crossing his arms. "Make yourself respectable first, then we'll see, un."

"Um," Sasuke said intelligently, instantly regretting it when both Deidara and Ina turned to him.

"Right," Ina said, addressing the elephant in the room. She dug something out of the pocket of her lilac yukata, a shade that went nicely with her blonde hair. On top of her traditional wear was a white lab coat. Deidara was dressed similarly, only difference being that his undergarment was green. "Want some candy?"

Deidara face-palmed. "You sound like a pedophile."

"Hey, I didn't molest you when I invited you into my shed with the promise of candy, did I?"

The boy grimaced. "I was four, un."

"And I brilliantly took advantage of it like the genius I am," Ina said proudly, preening as she patted herself on the back.

"You're not a genius, yeah, you're just a nutcase."

"I—shit!" Ina began to sweat. "I can feel shinobi coming this way. I guess that's what you get when you kidnap a high profile child." Her face contorted into something terrifying, and Sasuke shivered.

"Your face is scary," he blurted out.

Ina glared at him. "Well, your family is going to die horribly one day—probably, like, by the end of the month judging by your age—and there's nothing you can do about it."

Sasuke's face fell, and, against his will, he felt tears beginning to well up in his eyes.

"Shit, you made him cry, un. Like we aren't already in deep shit," Deidara sneered. "Why did you have to say that?"

"He said my face was scary. I wanted him to know true fear." Ina clapped her hands together. "But no more chitchat! Time to get the fuck outta here. Did you see my bag?"

"It's on the counter. Did you get want you wanted?"

"Yeah, I have his face committed to memory mask. He's going to make an excellent puppet design."

Before Sasuke knew it, Deidara had exploded the wall and a clay bird big enough to fit the two of them on its back had popped into existence.

"Shame," Ina said, "I was hoping to use my latest invention to get out of this mess. No matter. Forward, Deidara, my minion! For science!"

"We're technically missing-nin, un," he pointed out as the bird took to the air. "Not exactly scientist material."

Sasuke gaped after them, not even reacting when the cavalry (made up of his parents and a few shinobi) arrived. What the hell... just happened?