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Until wanting to be alone with Beth these past few weeks I've always been the opposite of selfish. Especially since the end of the world I've made it my mission to keep everyone safe, to put their needs first. And that's no different with Beth. All day everyday my thoughts are all about her, her safety, her health and more recently her happiness too. And trust me I didn't only dwell on my own confusing as fuck feelings because I'm selfish or because I didn't take her into consideration. It's also not because I'm a cocky asshole who just assumed she would feel the same. I'm just an idiot who doesn't know what he's doing.
For the better part of our time together I've been dodging my feelings and the intimate moments we would fall into. I'm not blind or that dumb. Sometimes when I would try to sneak glances at her I would find her eyes on me already. And no matter how long we've been in each other's lives I always expect a look of disgust, awkwardness or irritation on her face in those moments. Why look at me any other way? Thankfully I was proved wrong each and every time as her beautiful face only ever held a smile and a look of inquisitiveness. Not surprising given all the questions she always has for me.
The looks, the subtle touches, our conversations were all part of the foundation I needed to grow a pair of damn balls and first think about how the hell I was feeling and then act on it. I didn't just decide I was probably in love with the damn girl and kiss her, fuck no. If I hadn't felt our chemistry, seen how she looked at me or how much I made her smile I never in any lifetime would've made a move.
My problem is that I'm so out of my depth here. I was just stuck on my own heart and mind and scared shitless about how strongly I feel for her that I didn't analyze the cues she was giving me past the fact that I was so damn lucky to be receiving any cues at all. Anyone could simply want to act on the primal feelings we all have, and I wouldn't judge her or anyone else for wanting to find pleasure and release in this god forsaken world we're stuck in.
And even though I never would've healed or come back from Beth only wanting one thing from me, when I on the other hand want to give her everything, I still would've thanked my lucky stars she even noticed me as more than just a good apocalypse companion.
All of this plays a part in the bone crushing hug I pull her into as soon as that smile lit up her face. My relief poured out of me in a gush of air and I can feel my eyes try to water. Damn, how do people have multiple relationships and shit, this is hard and confusing as fuck.
I pull back and my hands are on her face again bringing her mouth to mine for a soft yet deep kiss. Made my damn toes curl.
Beth breaks the kiss first and let's out a little chuckle before speaking, our foreheads resting against each other.
"I thought I was losing my mind. Thought maybe I had made up the times I swore I saw you looking at me or exaggerated how often you would make a point to touch me in some sort of way. Fought with my thoughts at night, kicking myself for even dreaming you might look at me as more than a little girl or a burden." She tells me.
I kiss her forehead before doing something that is tough as hell for me, I look right into her eyes as I speak.
"You have never been a burden, not for one damn second please never think that Beth. And you're no little girl, a young one yeah but if that didn't stop me from noticing you that first day on your farm years ago then you can only imagine how I look at you now." I tell her sincerely.
And she has the nerve to blush, after those kisses and that practical lap dance from a few minutes ago? But damn the pink looks good on her cheeks, makes me wonder how low that blush reaches...
I force my eyes up from her chest and back to her face before I rip her shirt off.
"The only reason I'm not a burden is because of you, you're the reason I'm still alive, helping me all this time, training me." She says.
"I trained you but you had to put in the work and you chose to not give up. Take credit." I tell her seriously.
Beth just nods and smiles at my demand.
She looks as though she's about to speak again but instead sighs and drops her head. It so unlike her I have to force myself to not panic.
I reach for her chin and force her to meet my gaze.
"Hey, what's wrong?" I ask as gently as I can manage, while my other hand rubs circles into her side.
"I don't want to push you, I mean I never thought we'd make it here and I don't want to ruin anything." Beth says.
"You couldn't ruin anything with me. You're the talker in this relationship, don't let me down now." I try to lighten the mood.
It semi works as she keeps eye contact and the side of her mouth lifts in a smile.
"Well, um I know we have a lot to talk about, you know, about us. Which is most important. And I know you said you had to stop but Idontwantto yet." She rushes out the last part. We need to work on her confidence with me, no more embarrassment.
I go to speak but she continues.
"I'm not talking about sex, I've never even had sex before so I'm not rushing that tonight but I want us both to at least be...satisfied." She shyly tells me.
Well, I'm about to find satisfaction in my pants if she keeps talking like that. And holy shit a virgin? Will she notice if I pinch myself because I have to be dreaming. I decide to tell her just that hoping to boost her confidence.
"Damn Beth, hearing you talk like that, it's like all my fantasies come true. Doesn't even feel real cause trust me I never thought you'd want me. And all I want right now is to make you feel good. Think you can cum like this?" I ask while moving my hips a little, not knowing her experience level or how much she knows her body. I'm pretty sure we can both act like teenagers and get off from continuing our dry humping.
"Y-yes." She moans out as I grip her hips and push myself up into her warmth again.
I know I should be doing the opposite of this, I should put distance between us and talk shit out first. But damn if she doesn't feel like heaven and life is too short to not do the first impulsive thing in my life.
"Fuck Beth." I grit out as she starts moving over me again and I put one hand on her waist and the other into her hair before kissing her soft mouth again.
While her hands are split between pulling my hair, in the hottest way possible, and gripping my shoulder with a strength I didn't know she possessed, my hand on her waist starts skimming the bare skin of her stomach. I slowly start raising my touches towards her breasts and when she catches on she pushes her chest towards me and utters a low "Please."
I don't need any further coaxing than that.
With one hand holding her neck my other one finally reaches her surprisingly ample breasts over the very thin material of her bra. I just graze her hardened nipples with my fingertips and I'm rewarded with an arch of her back and a deep moan mingling in our kiss. Beth's reaction gives me the confidence to massage one breast before pulling down the material hiding her from me and then rolling her bud between my fingers.
Somehow while all this is going on we're still able to keep a steady rhythm of our hips. Whenever she grinds down I push up, hard. The sensations this is causing, holy fucking shit I feel like I'm about to explode. And I am. And I think she is too.
Beth pulled away from my mouth once I started toying with her naked chest, scaring me for a second before she latched onto my neck, returning the attention I had given her previously. I'd never been kissed anywhere except my mouth (and one half assed, unfinished blowjob) and I'm again shocked at how goddamn amazing it feels. Not just because of where she's kissing me but how she's kissing me, like I'm special, as if shes treasuring me. Just as I do to her.
Beth's movements start to become frantic so I use slightly rougher hands on her breasts, meanwhile, she might be a virgin but I swear this girl's kiss alone could make me cum. The kiss is also making me realize how not only soft her lips are but talented too and I'm already getting excited for the other things we can try.
I know even thinking the word "luck" during a zombie apocalypse sounds stupid but honestly this is the happiest and luckiest I've been in my life. I have family, yes they're missing but I do know they're okay. And I have Beth, my own person to be myself with, my companion and friend and hopefully soon to be *more. I also believe in luck at the moment because I barely have more sexual experience than a schoolboy and she's loved every move I've made. If that isn't pure fucking luck, then what is?
Beth has seemed to respond to my "talking" during this fantasy come to life so I attempt to help her reach her high before I embarrass myself and finish first. Plus, this is one of the few scenarios in which I want to talk and express myself.
"Fuck yes Beth, you're so damn beautiful. Ugh feels so fucking good." I grunt out before attacking her neck again.
"Oh Daryl." She whines. And just like that the dirty talk turned on me because those two words in that tone have me right at the edge of the strongest orgasm of my life.
I was scared at first that if I touched any part of her that wasn't in a safe zone (neck, waist, hips, face, you get my drift) that I wouldn't be able to control myself. But seeing as I have had my hands on her naked tits for the last I don't even know how fucking long I feel strongly that I can do what I'm about to without losing my shit.
I press my thumb onto the crease of her jeans right over her clit and I apply pressure as she and I continue our dance.
And now I don't know who is making what noises or where my mouth ends and hers begins because we're both racing on that last stretch.
"Ohh Daryl, I'm cu-" And she gets there before she can even finish her sentence.
This is the only thing that can slow my own release for the moment, the sight of her orgasming, because of me. Head thrown back, mouth open moaning, back arched and her hips continuing their movements. One more rough jerk of her center over my aching dick and with a growl of her name I'm exploding in my pants harder than I ever have.
I grip her waist to stop her movements, before I have a heart attack, and then kiss her mouth. This kiss is different from the few others we've had so far. I can literally feel her closer, not physically, to me than before. I know I'm going to have to use my words more than I ever have before but when I lack vocally I can show her like this how much she fucking means to me.
When we finally pull our mouths away I can't help but smile.
"Wow." Beth breathes out.
"I know." I reply.
And then without another word or a warning I stand up with her in my arms and her legs instinctively go around my waist. I walk us upstairs to one of the two bedrooms we searched, cleared and organized to our liking. The others, and there were several, we simply took what we needed and closed them up. Even though we had all the rooms sorted by the end of our first full day here, we haven't slept in either of them yet. We've been taking turns on watch in the parlor or living room. However, after what we just did I think sharing a bed is the right move.
I'm still trying to piece together the dynamic of the previous inhabitants. As soon as I realized it was a funeral home, my mind thought of an old man or maybe an old couple running this place. I hate to ever say these words but, I was wrong. Even though, yes a couple did run it, they were seemingly pretty young. But almost every bedroom, of the 6 in total, were occupied and none by children, thankfully. I guess they were for the workers or perhaps some family members. The husband and wife were oddly almost the same sizes and builds as Beth and I. Definitely morbid to think about but in times like these those thoughts have to be pushed aside and instead survival must come first.
We made out like bandits with new clothes, jackets and boots. Beth has washed and dried everything of theirs and ours, including some blankets and towels we can squeeze in. It felt good this afternoon to be so prepared and stocked up. I don't know if anyone is up there but I've been thanking anyone who could exist for our new supplies and for the fact there's a manual water pump from a well because that meant Beth and, even I, were also able to clean up properly, a true luxury these days. We even went overboard and boiled some of the water over the small cast iron stove that was tucked away in the corner of the kitchen so our baths were warm. It was like a fuckin spa.
I gently set Beth on her feet in the would've been master bedroom, but I keep my arms around her waist, refusing to let her go. Mostly because I'm not ready, I'm scared shitless that as soon we leave our bubble of this evening that everything that happened will disappear, turn into a dream. I also keep her in my embrace because she wobbled when I placed her down and I can't let her fall.
I move one hand to hold her face and bring her close before speaking.
"Wish we could stay like this all night." I tell her.
"Me too." She sighs.
"But we need to get cleaned up." I murmur, we're so close now that my lips brush hers as I speak.
"Yeah you're right." She replies, sounding disappointed.
"We can sleep in here tonight if you want?" I ask her.
"Really? Yea, course I do." Beth answers, shocked.
Hell, I'm shocked too and I was the one who offered. Probably because we attempted to take turns sleeping up here last night, but in our separate rooms. Well, ten minutes in I walked over to her room, knocked on the door before letting myself in and told her I didn't think it was safe enough yet, some mumbled excuse about needing to do another few overnight watches before letting our guard down. Then I marched down to the parlor, hopped in my casket and finally breathed a sigh of relief when I saw her pad into the adjacent living room settling herself on the squeaky yet comfortable couch. The truth was, she has been in my line of sight all day and all damn night non-stop for well over a month now and I couldn't be away from her, couldn't not see her face, knowing she was alright, before trying to get some rest.
"Good. I'm going to get us some water and put it to warm up while I do a last check of the perimeter for the night. Can you get us some clean clothes and the bathroom ready?" I ask her.
Beth simply nods in agreement and then gives me a soft kiss on the mouth. I push a little harder before pulling away and heading downstairs. I needed a quick exit or we would've been repeating our kitchen fun right then and there.
Ugh, I didn't think this through, moving around as much as I need to with a sticky crotch is gonna suck. Oh well, fucking worth it.
I work as fast as I can getting the water into pots on the stove so I can take my time with my nightly checks. Everything is as it has been the past several nights we've been here. I can hear a walker somewhere in the distance but I can tell it's only one and leave it for now. I don't need much sleep so when I inevitably wake-up in a few hours I'll come back out and listen for it again.
The only ways in or out at night are through the back door past the kitchen or out the master bedroom window onto the lower roof then climbing down the side of the house. Might sound dodgy until you think about why you would need to leave that way.
Once I lock the main door and triple check the windows I take the last of the water, my bow and myself back upstairs. I can hear Beth humming to herself and it's the sweetest sound, well next to her moaning my name.
When I enter the bedroom I see clean clothes laid out for us both on that seat thing at the end of the bed, Beth calls is something but I can never remember. I also notice that Beth's shoes, socks and sweater are off and her hair is out, ready for her bath. How I wish I could join her in the large, clawfoot tub, but a man can only have so much strength in one night.
We just smile at each other as I make trips to fill the bathtub.
"Alright I think you're good to go. Gonna start loading up my own water, so take your time." I tell her.
I can tell she's almost as disappointed as I am that she'll be cleaning up alone but I also know she's very aware of the reason why.
"Thank you Daryl." Beth says, with a sweet smile on her face. Then she turns and heads into the bathroom and my heart stops.
I couldn't tell you if it was an accident or premeditated but the door didn't close all the way. It's barely cracked but it's open enough for me to see Beth, illuminated by the light from the lanterns inside.
She's resumed the soft humming of her song while mixing in her bath salts, soaps, oils and god knows what else she tried tell me about once. But then, oh then, she's up undoing her jeans and pulling them off, her panties didn't go with them and I'm not sure if I should be thankful or devastated. Next, she reaches for her shirt and that joins her jeans somewhere on the ground before she reaches for the clasp of her bra, that tease of fabric that was in my way less than a hour ago. When all I can see is her perfect bare back and panties I finally force my legs to take me back downstairs before I barge in there and make love to Beth on the damn floor.
I have demanded my mind to only focus on the mundane tasks of gathering as much water ahead of time as I can and then, when there's an aquarium full in the master bedroom, moving onto removing my socks and shoes in preparation for my own bath. I was so immersed in not thinking about a wet, soapy naked Beth, fuuuck, in the next room that I have no fucking idea how much time has passed so I'm unprepared for the opening of the bathroom door and the sight of heaven on earth that greets me next.
Beth is standing just inside the bedroom in only a white towel, her wet hair sticking to her and she looks like she's glowing again from the light behind her.
We're both just staring at each other, not moving a muscle. The need to stalk across the room, take that towel from her and show her how much I care for her is practically blinding me.
Thank fuck she speaks first, always the calm voice between us.
"Um, you can just leave your dirty clothes in the bathroom with mine. I'll wash and dry them all tomorrow." She tells me, finally breaking eye contact to look back at the bathroom.
"Thanks. I'll be back soon." I say, my voice extra gravelly with lust. I attempt a probably awkward smile because I can't touch her right now or my resolve will fully crumble.
I only breathe out a sigh of relief, that I held my composure, as I close the bathroom door for the last time after bringing in the damned water, bathing sure would be easier using air or some shit.
Beth has rinsed the tub out and placed some soaps on the table next to it, along with a clean towel. I don't deserve that girl.
I strip off my remaining clothes and place them with hers in the corner. I make sure to empty the pockets of my jeans and bring my Swiss Army knife over to the tub so I can make use of my straight razor. And not just for her, I've always kept myself, minimal down there. It's easier and how I like it and so what that it'll be nicer for Beth if and when we...damnit no, not going there right now. No time to jack off. I've been trying to get clean, not just Dixon clean, but really clean since being at the funeral home and shit if it doesn't take forever.
I soak, scrub, shave, rinse and repeat until I'm sparkling like in those cheesy commercials. I brought my clothes in here with me since I don't think either of us could handle another towel moment like before. Once I'm dry, I put on my clean clothes, minus my vest since Beth cleaned it as if it were a delicate artifact this morning, leaving it outside just long enough to dry and dispel any odors without ruining the leather. See, again, I don't deserve that damn girl.
When I step back into the bedroom I see Beth sitting up in the big bed, half under the covers while she brushes her long hair, well she's trying to at least. And I instantly relax once she's in my sight again, can you miss someone when they're in the next room?
I pad over to the bed and get in next to her and as I do she lets out the cutest frustrated huff.
"What's wrong?" I ask, even though I think I know the answer.
"Ugh, this damn hair is so long and knotted and fighting me and my arms hurt from trying to get through it." Beth huffs out.
I have to force myself to not laugh, I hate that she's upset in any way but she's like an angry kitten, so fucking cute.
"Here, let me try. Might be easier from a different angle." I tell her as I hold my hand out for the brush.
Beth stills for a moment, totally silent, before she hands it over. And only when I'm beginning to untangle her beautiful hair do I understand her previous pause, this is very intimate. This is the kinda shit couples do after being together, being in love, for a while. These thoughts stir up those new, scary and amazing feelings I've been having lately and I try even harder to be gentle yet helpful with my task at hand. Cause I'm one lucky bastard to be sitting here in this moment with her.
We don't say a word while I work through every knot and tangle of her golden locks. She was right, it did fight back and took me over 15 minutes to have it as smooth as silk. Beth uttered a thank you to me before braiding her hair down her back.
Once said braid had been secured, we both turn a bit so we're facing each other, knowing there's no more distractions to keep us from what we need to do, talk.
"Beth-"
"Daryl-"
And we both laugh at our jinx moment.
"C'mere." I say to her as I extend my open arms.
Beth scoots right over and places her head on my chest as her arms go around my waist. Propped up on all these pillows, holding each other seems the best way to have this conversation. Also, the fact we can't see each other's faces may give us both a little added courage.
Beth breaks the silence first.
"I noticed you too. Right away, that first day you all set up camp on my farm." She says.
I barely breathe, I would punch myself if I scared her off course of wherever this is going because so far it's my favorite story I've ever heard.
Thankfully she continues.
"I mean I was happy all of you were there, wish it had been under better circumstances but nonetheless I do believe everything happens for a reason. Always knew we could trust your group, for the most part, needed a little more time to make up my mind on each one of you. Started with you, seeing as I couldn't stop looking at you. No matter what you did or said I believed you were a good person, one of the best. Sure, you're an ass sometimes and even mean at other times, but you're not a mean person and you're definitely not a bad person."
I can't believe my fucking ears. This angel has been looking at and thinking of me for years? I musta died and somehow ended up in heaven.
"I had been with Jimmy for well over a year when the world fell apart and not once had he made me feel the way I did when I looked at you. Same thing with Zack. I tried to make both relationships work because in my mind it was laughable that you even knew my name so I just knew that you would never be interested in me. And when we hugged outside my cell that day, I knew what I felt for you was more than physical. I feel so safe, and content in that moment. Also felt terrible since it was the worst time to feel anything other than sadness."
Poor Zack. But you can't help how you feel. Like right now, I feel extreme jealousy over two dead teenagers because they got to be Beth's boyfriends.
"I was always so excited to get outside to the fence or to whatever training you had planned, partly because I wanted to help and learn but mostly because I got to spend time with you. And even though I miss Maggie so damn much I felt nothing except better when I saw you at the prison that day it fell."
Me too, me fucking too I want to tell her but I just stay still and quiet letting her finish.
"I know how you see yourself and I hate that. I want you to see yourself how I do. Because being out here just the two of us has been simultaneously the best and hardest weeks. Being alone, just us is amazin. Having you start to open up to me, learning so much from you, not having to share you either. But then there was the fact I felt it would never be more. Like at the moonshine shack, I hated that we fought but you needed to crack that shell and just be honest and emotional. I also really wished I had the nerve to kiss you that day or hoped you would kiss me in that heated moment outside."
She takes a breath before going on.
"The disappointment each day that I was never brave enough to make a move and when you didn't do so either started to become so difficult. But I never wanted to push you or make you uncomfortable. And I still don't, more than anything I just want you to be happy, well as happy as possible. And I know that's not easy for you. So I'm going to tell you how I feel and we can just do whatever you're okay with."
My heart is racing waiting for her words.
"The truth is I want all of you. The good, the bad, the hard times and the beautiful times. I can't even be completely devastated at the world we're now in because it all brought me to you. And I can't imagine life without you now. You're truly one of the best friends I've ever had and I've also never felt chemistry with another human the way I do with you. I know it won't be easy but I'm here for it. Just tell me, and it doesn't have to be now, what you want and we'll work through it, together." Beth finishes and pulls away slightly so we can look into each other's eyes again.
I'm stunned silent and frozen for a moment, this woman, who has it all even at the end of the world, wants me? And in a deep way. The thought is hard to wrap my head around.
I'm still trying to make my brain and mouth work together when a single, uncontrollable tear rolls down my cheek. Beth's wipes it away and then I kiss her as I attempt to organize my thoughts, as I try to figure out how to tell her, that I'm head over heels in fuckin love with her.