Chapter 2 - Together in a non conventional way

A few days after Justin left, Michael paid me a little visit. It was near midnight, and I was working. No bars, no tricks, just work to keep my mind busy. He told me he wanted to go to Babylon. Since the bombing, he hadn't seen it. He felt that Babylon should be open forever. That was the moment when he said, "It's who we are, it's what made us. Some things aren't meant to change."

He was wrong. I've changed and he hasn't seen it. He doesn't want to see it. He asked me to dance. I didn't want to. I made my way to the door but he held me back with his 'oh so good monologue.' "You'll always be young, you'll always be beautiful, you're Brian Kinney for fuck's sake." I knew I couldn't argue with him, so I danced with him, and eventually Babylon reopened. Without Justin.

Everybody was there. Ted and Blake, Emmett and his new beau, and Ben and Michael. I hadn't felt so lonely since Justin was in the hospital or when he was with the fiddler. But those times, it was not just loneliness --I was also suffering...and feeling guilty.

The day after Michael's visit, I got an email from Justin. "I moved in, everything is fine, I miss you." In a real Brian Kinney way, I didn't answer. Two days later, I received another one, "If you want to see me, click the link at the bottom of the email." In a non Brian Kinney way, I clicked on the link. Several minutes passed, connection time. And then, I saw him. He was painting. I grabbed my phone and dialed his number.

"Hi. It's me."

"I know, I have caller ID, remember?"

"Right. How's your painting going?"

"Not bad. I'm taking a break."

"Liar." Too late Kinney, you just told him that you're on his website. "Fuck."

He moved towards the webcam, and suddenly I feel warm inside, because he's smiling his Sunshine smile. "You missed me?"

"Not for a moment." But his smile was even bigger.

"Liar."

We spent 2 hours on the phone. Not even for phone sex. We just talked about his apartment and the fact that the gallery asked him for 35 paintings for their future show in 3 months. Thirty five paintings! They put so much faith in him, I'm really proud !

He wanted me to make a direct line between our loft and his new place, to communicate. I wasn't really ready for that, but I said I'd try. So, after two days of installation, I had my personal webcam and direct link to Justin. I also bought a new computer, especially for that. Nothing is too good for my prince.

I leave the computer on-line every day, so even though we're far away, we're still together. Nobody understands but I've really changed. And nothing in the world, could keep me away from the loft. I know every evening I have the best company I ever wanted, even if it's through computers. Those moments are really special.

They belong to us and nobody can steal them from us this time. When I come home, I always see him. There's someone here and the loft isn't empty.

We made plans for me to go to New York after a month. He can't come to the Pitts because of the art show, but he really needed a break, so we planned a visit. And then, everything went wacky. A good client of Kinnetik's wanted to go to another ad agency. The architect of Babylon fucked up a whole new readjustment. And I had to stay in Pittsburgh.

He wanted to come home, but he had some delays with his work. So, we decided to move the visit to two weeks later. But it seems everything was working against us. Two weeks later, I got sick. I caught the flu. To keep him healthy, I didn't go to New York. His show was planned for a month and a half. He couldn't have any more delays . So I stayed at the home

We spent the whole week online. Every minute we were together and away from each other. The problem was not that we weren't together, the problem was not being able to touch him, or hold him, or kiss him.

I realized during that time, that Brian Kinney had become someone else, someone who would get married, who would spend his time with only one person and that person was Justin.

Two weeks later, I decided it was time to go to see him, but Mel and Lindz came through Pittsburgh , so we agreed that I should stay and spend my time with Gus. I was really afraid to see him, but Lindsay had kept her promise, he hadn't forgotten me. But without Justin, the family wasn't complete. I wasn't complete.

Finally after all this shit, Babylon reopened last week, Saturday, the same day as Justin's show. It was a coincidence, his show was planned a week before, but some celebrity couldn't come, and they moved the show to the same day as the Babylon reopening.

Michael tried to convince me that nothing had changed, that I hadn't changed, and that I'm still young and beautiful. But in reality, everything has changed.

Everything is different, because I'm different, I asked someone to marry me, and Michael thinks I didn't change. I'm proud that I could change.

I remember the night of the stag party. I remember I would have stayed home and spent time with Justin, but he dragged me to Woody's for the party. I also remember the stripper dancing right in front of me. I remember he was really hot, but at that moment, it hit me, I didn't want him--I wanted Justin, and only Justin. I asked myself, why I had always gone for someone else, when I have the world's most beautiful man with me.

A few days later, I remember lying in bed. Justin was reading. He put down his book, and came closer to me. That night, I really wanted to prove to him that I cared, that I loved him, that I could spend a night holding him in my arms.

"I had a dream last night that we were in our new house."

I teased him, "Cooking? Gardening? Sitting in front of the fire?"

"Not exactly. You were riding me in the stables, diving into me in the pool, slamming me on the tennis court…"

"Well that gives a new meaning to US Open."

"I better start practicing my serve."

I remember his hands on me, trying to initiate sex, but this time I just wanted to hold him and dropped the wrong line, "Wouldn't you rather just cuddle?"

Justin was under the sheet, kissing my back, making his way to another part of my body, which, I must say, was a really enjoyable process. He suddenly jumped from under the covers, "What?"

"I said, wouldn't you rather just lie here and-"

"No, no, I heard what you said. You said 'cuddle'. "

"So?"

"So? I have never, ever, once heard you even use that word, much less actually want to do it!"

I had no arguments against his anger and chose what I thought was the easy way. "Okay, so, can we just turn the lights out?" But I forgot that when Justin is on a roll no one could stop him.

"No! No! Brian Kinney fucks, sucks, rims, rams… but never cuddles!"

Okay, big mistake on my part, Justin doesn't understand that I just wanted to have a nice evening. "Okay, so I used a word that offends your sensibilities. Forgive me, I apologize. I'll never do it again!"

"No, it's more than just that. Everyday that we get closer to being married, the person I know gets further away!"

He was so right but I could only offer him the truth, "I'm right here."

"But it's not you! Looks like you, feels like you… but you…you would never go to your own stag party and not fuck every hot guy in sight. You would never be more interested in gardening than getting laid."

"I'm just trying to make you happy." That was so right, I wanted to be his only one. But he didn't understand that.

"I want you to do what makes you happy…not me." I took my chance, and asked him about going to New York.

His anger grew even more. "Fuck New York!"

"Conquering the art world…"

"Fuck the art world!" Justin climbed back on to the bed.

And then, I tried honesty, asking..."Why? Because you're afraid?" As usual, he was in total denial..."I'm not afraid." I pressed him a little more, to find the real reason. Finally, he answered me by saying that he didn't want it. I knew it was bullshit.

He finally gave me, "I don't. It means nothing."

Then I knew what he was doing, "Would it still mean nothing if I wasn't here?"

As usual, Justin's answer was elusive, "How do you expect me to give you a rational response when the circumstances you presented are completely suppositional and as such have no basis in reality?"

God he can be such a brat sometimes, I finally managed to keep calm. "Just answer the goddamn question!"

"I don't know!"

So I gave him the answer, the only one I could manage, and which was real for me. "Well I do…I don't want to live with someone who sacrificed their life and called it love…to be with me."

He finally surrendered, and accepted my answer, "Neither do I."

And that night was truly a night of decisions-at that moment we knew that the wedding was off, and that he should go to New York. I also knew that I would not only lose my son, and one of my best friends, but I would also lose my lover. That night I would have given everything to keep my life and my lover with me. But love is sometimes not enough to keep people together.